its amazing how certain songs can jolt certain memories that you thought you have forgotten a long long time ago, and everytime the memories appear, they bring together with them the rush of emotions you experienced in that situation. sometimes it feels like you're opening up a healed wound all over again.
i think i am going crazy. i just don't want to study, find myself surfing useless blogs, reading useless news on yahoo. doing crazy stupid things that i know i will regret, things that do not add value to my life, perhaps except to take away some of the stress of frustration i am feeling, only to have these feelings rebound and hit me in a crazy way twice as hard. and yet i persist in doing them. such is the nature of a useless escapist bug like me.
last year and this year have been the worst years of my life. ever. and i never want to relive it ever again. please stop my misery soon. i can't take it any longer.
if given a choice, i don't think i want to do this all over again. its killing me! ughs.
sudden urge to start blogging..
had many things to say, but somehow i forgot everything..
been spending a lot of money amending flights, booking flights, booking shuttles and stuff.. i guess its a learning experience.. to finally plan my own trip for once.. haha previously, my darling friends have always been the ones planning everything, buying tickets, settling accomodation etc, but now i have to do everything on my own.. steep learning curve! and the monetary price for my ignorance is rather significant.. and i guess i realised i have been assuming many many things! kept thinking that US is like singapore, u can reach anywhere with cabs within 1 hour.. and cabs are not that easily available.. imagine my shock when i realised that the time taken to travel from the airport to the bus terminal is 2 hours...
and committed other booboos like booking a flight leaving at 6am, such an unearthly hour.. on retrospect, it was totally brainless of me.. it takes 4 hours to travel from the university (i totally did not expect that.. i thought it wld only take 1 hour) and i gotta check in 1 hour before the plane departs.. so... i gotta leave the hostel in the blistering cold and eerie darkness at 1am? its really amusing. and so to change the flight, i have to pay a sum that is only slightly lower than the airfare itself. blame it on my own stupidity. wells. i can only console myself that at least i learnt something..
i'm scared to travel alone. foreign land, foreign accent, foreign faces, foreign weather (snow! -14 deg cel!!! UGHHH), foreign food, foreign routine, foreign time, foreign bed, friendLESS, foreign everything. makes me super scared to think of it. but at the same time, i know God is giving me a rare opportunity to learn to be independent, and i hope that with God's grace, i will be inspired, whatever aspect it might be..
sigh. the world is kinda sad.
finally! year 3 is over. ended with quite a bad paeds end of posting test. but still, its over. hooray!!! the 1.9kg blueberry cake from secret recipe. with 18 candles...! :)
i felt this tremendous sense of relief and a sort of bliss as i cleared my cluttered table of all things paeds.. its such a great feeling!!!! it makes me shudder to think of how long i had been slogging at the table studying till the wee hours of the morning during the last week.. i guess i kind of deserve it, cos i had been too slack during the rest of the posting, hence i had to make a desperate attempt to get some things into the squishy thing in my skull that kind of resembles a brain haha. but i guess i might as well have slept cos the studying didn't really help much except to make me a little spaced out on the day of the test, as well as feel cheated because it didn't help. you might say 'its for the long run', but seriously, how much of these info can i retain after the ravages of time?
and... i felt so great going out with yan that night.. finally seeing him after almost 1 week.. and it was especially exhilarating when it suddenly dawned on me that i didn't have to study when i get home! i have not had this kind of feeling for SO LONG!! its a tremendous relief, as well as release.. and i'm loving every minute and every second of this much-needed (tho might not be well-deserved in my case) break.
it feels kinda surreal that i am going to bali, for 10 days.. i cant believe its finally here! but packing is such a chore.. haha. woohoo! this trip is gonna be so fun! great company, lots of sun (i hope) sand, salt water, hot babes, cute hunks (but the ultimate cutest hunk remains in singapore).. i guess i was kinda worried at first about terrorist attacks, tsunamis, earthquakes.. but i figured that there's no point worrying so much because everything is in Lord's hands, and i know everything happens for a reason. so come what may, it will be for the best! it might actually be a life-changing experience to be caught in the middle of all these action. to be there first hand, to know, to feel, to finally understand, and maybe find a newer, more meaningful direction in life (if i live to tell the tale that is) haha.
sex and the city absolutely rocks! i loved it. it didn't fall short of my expectations, in fact, it exceeded my expectations.. its such a great feeling to see the 4 girls reunited, each facing problems in their lives, and then coming to a resolution and emerging stronger, happier, and wiser. i was bowled over by their friendship, and needless to say, the va-va-voom fashion and hip uptown culture. i looove losing myself in their world. and what made things even better was that yan enjoyed it too! :) *girls, we'll be like that right?*
and heys, UNCLE LESSTER going to be featured on TV!
programme: Find me a Singaporean, hosted by Belinda Lee
Time: 4th June, Wednesday, 8pm, Channel U
Belinda Lee visited UL in Uganda for 10 days and i think this travel documentary is going to show us how UL is living and working in africa. i am absolutely excited to watch it, because i really really want to know wad UL is doing with the bees in africa!
just gonna end this post with a few pictures taken during my mum's humble bday celebration:
my cute little sister
my father in a VERY VERY RARE kodak moment of affection. i love this picture.
the 1.9kg blueberry cake from secret recipe.
with 18 candles...! :)
indeed, joy multiplies when shared
and pain lessens when you finally let it out into the open
the brief conversation that eugene and i had about the 5 languages of love came across my mind today..
the 5 languages of love are :
1) words of affirmation
2) quality time
3) receiving gifts
4) acts of service
5) physical touch
everyone speaks all 5 languages, but for everyone, there's 1 language which speaks the loudest, that's when u feel especially loved..
haha i asked my mum which is her language.. i think her's number 1.
and i think i am kinda greedy, i can't decide, so i think mine's both 1 and 2. and after taking a quiz on http://greaterquest.com/LoveLanguages.asp, yes, its indeed 1 and 2.. haha.
thoughts for the day:
Forget about your feelings. You do not have to feel anything to love your spouse. Feelings may change because of your actions, but feelings should not dictate your actions. Choose to love your mate, no matter how you feel.
Do not allow your mate’s reaction to stifle your love. Nothing your mate does can stop your love as long as you choose to love. Why stop when love is your greatest weapon for good and growth?
it is inevitable to come across pain, misery and illness when you are in the hospital most of the time, but what strikes me most is the courage of those who are afflicted by these conditions, especially the chronic illnesses..
i see resilience in the mother who takes care of her little boy with leukemia.
i see her willingness to do anything for her little boy, as long as he gets better.
i can see the weariness in her eyes, i wonder if she questions 'why'..
i know she feels pain, but she chose to ignore it, just so she can be strong for her little boy..
and i know he feels pain too, pained because his family has to go through all these for him..
i see the nobleness of the mother who chose to give up everything else in her life, so that she can centre it around her little boy with down's..
all the extra effort she has to put in, just so that her boy can walk, can dress properly, can feed himself with a spoon.. training him repetitively for 3 years everyday just so that he can take a bus to school.. accompanying him tirelessly to rehabilitation so that she can hear him say'ma'.. all those things we take for granted..
i am deeply touched by all the sacrifices that the parents make just to take care of their children.
and i am only looking at the tip of the iceberg...
as i stood in the day therapy centre today, i wondered what i will do if such a thing happens to me.. will i have the courage to face up to it? will i be strong enough to take care of my child? will i be strong enough to accept all the changes in my life? will i become depressed and resentful? will i be bitter and keep questioning 'why'? ... and i just wanted to cry..
and i wonder how my life will be, if someone in my family was chronically ill.. will my dad still be the person he is right now? will he still be so caught up in his rat race? or will he realise that there is actually more to life than money? will he be more gentle and caring towards those around him? and will i be the same uncaring person i am still?
yan rong told me that we humans will never know the real pains of those around us, because all of us put on this false front of happiness, trying to be brave and strong.. only God hears their cries, and God shows that he cares, by putting people who really do care in the lives of those who are pained. i hope i will be able to bring comfort to someone someday. having lived your life knowing that u have made a difference to someone else's life, even if it is just one person, is already meaningful enough..
i feel deeply for those suffering in myanmar and china.. i hope they will feel God's presence and love with them admidst all the pain and suffering..
and i hope that we, the luckier ones, will learn to cherish and be contented with the things we already have.. because what we take for granted, many others have to fight very hard in order to have..
may God let us hear the cries of those in pain, so that they can lean on us for love and support.