wow! i haven't blogged in 2 days? what a surprise.. haha.. anyway.. caught eye for a guy 2.. i din catch the fisrt series, so i had totally no expectations whatsoever.. so it really shocked me to see the..hmmm.. way the guys behave.. i mean.. i have never been exposed to these kinda guys before.. i guess we are all too young.. what consultant, radio presenter blah blah.. everyone i know now is a student.. haha.. i guess i had a rather constricted view of singaporean guys before this, or perhaps, i just didn't take in what i have read from magazines, or i haven't been to the happening places.. its so scary!! these guys are so attention grabbing and scary! some of them might be good looking, but.. character wise.. no no.. they are not mature enough i guess! denise keller is really confident and cool.. i think if i were in her shoes, i'll be stammering and shivering.. i will never be able to carry myself with such elegance, poise and confidence.. i think no guys will want to fight tooth and nail to get a date with me lo! *hysterical laugh* pardon my day dreaming haha.. i just find my day dream a little too absurd.. haha.. can't imagine it happening.. hahahaha..
but anyway, back to it.. *shudders*.. james is totally off.. if you have nothing to say, then don't talk and make a fool of yourself! haiyoh! i'm really shocked by the tactics and strategies that the guys employ to get her attention, and how they make snide remarks to get the others down.. eeee.. totally disgusting. all those cocky people and back stabbers.. aiyo.. this show is really an eye opener.. like a warning light to warn all us sheltered girls about how complicated the world outside can be! i mean, i didn't know what to expect, but i guess.. i'm still thought sg was some humble conservative society.. didn't know people are actually daring enough to show these ugly sides on tv.. i thought only the ang mohs are capable of that.. *racist*
so excited by dinner date with jess and mich, and class outing and og outing.. i can't stand loneliness and boredom and activity-less days no more.. so looking fwd to going out and getting a life.. getting a life is difficult alone, and when everyone else's working.. haha.. :)
happiness quote of the day:
Happiness comes more from loving than being loved; and often when our affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again- this is the brave and happy life. --------- J.E. Buckrose
I guess true happiness comes from being loved and loving, to the same extent. loving someone wholeheartedly and yet not be loved in return is torturous. blindly giving and not receiving makes one resentful in the long run, so how can that beget happiness? man is not perfect, it is impossible to love without wanting something in return all the time..
The second line is deep.. from what i make out of the sentence, it sounds true.. when we thought that we are being hurt, most of the time, it is only our pride that is wounded.. our vanity bleeding.. we feel that we have lost face, embarrassed.. that's why we feel hurt..
The last line is a little weird.. who wants to be hurt often? indeed, it is brave, but its a bit idiotic.. it just means that after so many attempts at loving someone, you haven't wisen up enough to give your heart to the right person. you deserve to be hurt then~ haha.. so mean..
ok, i'm sure there's some deeper meaning beyond the superficial interpretation of the words.. but if you just take the quote at face value, it really does seem a little absurd..
visited the blogs as usual.. jess.. i'm so envious.. :) ur life's so happening.. mine's so dull.. rulang doesn't want me to relief for the next 3 weeks.. so i'm back to being unemployed.. bah.. no more money.. no more things to occupy me.. bx.. i dun only suffer from pms, i also suffer from dms (D= during).. haha.. its so urghx..
med essay is kinda screwed la.. what kind of question is that!? oh my gosh.. i totally din expect it.. dexter told me last year it was "describe the saddest moment in your life so far".. so i expected some narrative question today.. and then guess my horror when i saw the question and realised that it was some gp style question! i was totally stunned.. and they only gave us 45 mins to write.. it was totally insufficient.. i couldn't finish.. had no time to check to see if i was making sense.. i think i didn't make much sense for most part of the essay.. my ideas are so screwed.. my handwriting sucks.. my arguments are all.. disgusting la.. haha.. i just hope they dun place too much emphasis on this essay.. very happy to see all the rest though.. mich, hweeying, ee sang, esther, wei li, liwei, michael, qian tai, and so many more.. liwei changed so much! oh my god.. he looks a bit like andrew fang! and shaun lin! i stood at the corner looking at him, trying to ascertain whether it was him.. his mannerism changed a bit too.. im glad to say that i think he's more mature now.. :) good good.. but he's got some wrinkles ard his eyes.. must be mug too much.. hah..
i wish i could be as sensitive and observant as qian tai and alina.. both of them say that i look tired.. which is exactly how i feel.. i dun understand why, because i've been getting a lot of sleep, at the proper times too! but i guess its cos i dun sleep well.. i've been waking up knowing that i did not have pleasant dreams.. they're not nightmares, but they're not good dreams either.. had a very good talk with alina.. if i were half as sensitive as her, i think i will not be so.. out of touch with my friends' emotions.. bah..
god take away all these negative feelings welling inside of me.. make me motivated..
met the darling 25ths today (25th refers to the newly elected councillors).. they are so cute.. its their coucil camp (ie tekan camp).. and we all went back to talk to them.. or rather, some of us talked, while the rest of us just posed there.. haha.. time passes so fast (this is the which time i'm repeating that phrase?!).. just thought of how fast we grow.. when we are in secondary school, most of us tend to do things on impulse, never thinking far ahead and contemplating what consequences our decisions might bring us.. we just do things because we like it, we want to do it, it is fun, everyone's doing it.. but we don't think about whether that activity will be useful to us.. if i had known, i would have chosen to do some things differently.. but well, i am still grateful for the way things have turned out now.. :) it is in jc that you start to think seriously and hard, and map out your future, and that is when you start regretting some of your previous decisions, for it is only when you reflect thoroughly that you realise you have actually given many opportunities for you to develop a miss..
had the first "real" talk with karen today.. it's such a pity that i dun really talk "deep" with many councillors.. but that's life.. some friends are like dust, sprinkled over your path, while the others are mountains, rooted there.. (like all those i've known for.. let me see.. 6, 10, or 11 years!).. yep.. i have not discovered this mature side of karen before.. talked about relationships.. the subject matter was so apt and relevant.. indeed, what are our relationships based on now? bgr i mean.. in the past, it was school, school provided many of us with the time to interact and communicate, create many memories that bonded us close together.. but now, the guys are in ns, and in the near future, we are all gonna go our separate ways in uni.. so what forms the basis of the relationship now? the time factor is definitely not there.. the shared experiences are not there too.. what is left? both of us wonder.. adult relationships are really so different from this kind of student relationships.. cos as adults, you have so many more committments, and so much less time to spend together (unless you are classmates or colleagues).. i sometimes daydream about how adults share their lives together.. i can't imagine going through courtship with just a few smses a day, short phonecalls at night when you are free, occasional dinners.. and then this carries on for a few years, and suddenly, you guys are gonna get married! perhaps its because im too used to spending so much time together that this kind of "minimal" contact seems ridiculous to me.. haha.. but ya, we both agree that this is a hard transition period between being a student, and a non-student. your perspective changes, the whole world seems to shift to a different scale.. suddenly, something dawns upon you and you start to see things from a viewpoint you never knew existed..
karen asked me.. do i think that our relationship will last forever, not just emotionally, but also practically.. i guess nobody knows.. no one knows how our future paths will be.. whether they will be intersecting, or they will diverge greatly.. no one knows how people will change after army, uni, and work.. if your aims are no longer complementary, then there is no use hanging on.. emotionally, i'm sure everyone hopes for their relationship to last forever, who wants to experience heartbreak? but practically, you never know whether something will work out in the future.. it might work out today, but suddenly a psychological earthquake changes, everything shifts, and things might not work out tomorrow.. aaahhh.. i really enjoyed talking to her.. she awakened many thoughts in me.. some abstract thoughts inside me that could not be expressed in words, but are fluently put into words by her.. talking is such a great past time.. :)
in the blink of an eye, i've been reliefing for 4 days.. and yep.. good (or maybe not so good) news, i hav to relief another teacher for the next 3 weeks.. good money!! *droooools*.. but its not easy to relief classes.. i don't know how to teach them properly.. i dun wan to end up as a crap teacher whom all the parents curse and swear at in their hearts.. its an impt period.. cos its before their mid year! stress.. and i have no idea where the teacher left off.. no worksheets to give them.. no guidelines.. i have no idea what to do man.. do i continue teaching 2b coursebook? or what? what worksheets are there to give? and there are like.. endless things to mark.. gosh.. where are all the resources to teach the kids with? what to do what to do what to do? i am at a total loss.. muahaha.. bah.. sigh..
made the 2e (my junior class!! i was from 1/2 E!!) class make a "get well soon" card for mdm wabetha.. she's pregnant and her baby's got abnormal heartbeat.. so she's off for 3 weeks.. the cards are so so so cute! the things the kids write! i will just melt if i'm mdm wabetha! oh gosh.. the drawings.. the "i miss you's".. there is this girl who drew like a maze.. and she drew the teacher at the outside of the maze.. then she said mdm wabetha must get to the hospital before she can give birth~ heh.. its so cute! i might not have described it as cutely.. but ya.. the thought coupled with the kiddish handwriting and the cutsie drawings! oh my gosh.. perfect heart melting formula.. :)
and yep.. its really an ex-6R gathering!! so cool! me, kaining, hyen ying and yuqi! heh.. yuqi changed so much! i couldn't recognize her at all! if she had not said hi to me.. i would have missed her.. then there's this photoboard in the general office of the 5 relief teachers.. wah.. i made a fool of myself.. all the 5 of us are in the office signing out..
me: wah! all the five of us are here! *looks at the photos* eh.. actually not.. how come yuqi's photo is not up there? who is sabrina?
*everybody looks at me amused..*
me: oh no! sabrina is yuqi! oh my god! you look totally different!!!
yep.. that's the extent of my blurness.. or the extent of her change.. heh..
mini ex-6R gathering.. how heartwarming.. :) btw, kaining resembles ms carlyn lee.. oh gosh.. :)
what's the point of fretting over getting a job when this is the only 'real' break you're gonna have for probably the rest of your life till you retire? hmmm.. makes lots of sense.. but why am i still fretting? weirdo. prob cos everyone seems to be working or occupied and there's no one to stone with me.. haha.. spend the lazy afternoons together.. bah.. stop complaining baorong.
got relief stint at rulang today and tml.. the teacher wanted me to teach the class stuff today.. yep.. so i taught p1 english and maths.. i dinnoe the smallest animal in the world is the pygmy shrew.. and the loudest animal is the cicada.. it can be heard from 64km away! aaahhhh.. it's great that you can learn new stuff from p1 textbook.. met the other relief teachers.. like hyen ying.. that chiobu is so pretty now.. how come everyone's getting prettier except me.. met corina too.. she's from jj squash! and i reminded her that we would have met for a few seconds at yck last yr.. cos uncle robino was introducing me to the jj girls.. and yep.. she remembers meeting a girl robino introed.. the world is indeed very very small.. we are all so intricately linked! scary..
as usual, i am a bad teacher.. bah.. bad bad bad.. no patience.. and i can't be bothered to humour the children when they keep complaining about their friends touching them or not doing their work.. wah.. i mean.. they dun wan to do then dun wan to do lo.. its their loss and their own business.. but i guess.. kids, being kids.. they are just too nice and naive.. teaching is a tiring job.. but for the money.. its all worth it.. $_$ heh..
living is merely existing when you don't find meaning in daily things..
living is a chore when there are problems bugging you that you know there can never be satisfactory solutions to..
living is illusionary when you keep on hoping for things to happen tomorrow that do not ever happen..
living is a disappointment when you pray for miracles to happen, but they don't..
but living is the ultimate gift, for tomorrow still brings infinite possiblities even if they seem impossible today..
excerpt from one of the random blogs i visited..
One fine day, an old couple around the age of 70, walks into a lawyer's office.Apparently, they are there to file a divorce.Lawyer was very puzzled, after having a chat with them, he got their story....This couple had been quarreling all their 40 over yrs of marriage nothing ever seems to go right.They hang on coz of their children, afraid that it might affect their up-bringing.Now, all their children have already grown up, have their own family, there's nothing else the old couple have to worry about, all they wanted is to lead their own life free from all these yrs of unhappiness from their marriage, so both agree on a divorce....Lawyer was having a hard time trying to get the papers done, coz he felt that after 40 yrs of marriage at the age of 70, he couldnt understand why the old couple would still wants a divorce..while they were signing the papers, the wife told the husband.."I really love u, but i really cant carry on anymore,i'm sorry..""its o.k, i understand.." said the husband. Lookin at this, the lawyer suggested a dinner together, just 3 of them,wife thought, why not, since they are still gonna be friends..At the dining table, there was a silence of awkardness.The first dish was roasted chicken, immediately, the old man took the drumstick for the old lady.."take this, its your favourite.."looking at this, the lawyer tot maybe theres still a chance, but the wife was frowning when she answer.."this is always the problem, u always think so highly of urself, never tot abt how i feel, dun u know tat i hate drumsticks?"Little did she know tat, over the yrs, the husband have been trying all ways to please her,little did she know tat drumsticks was the husband's favourite.Little did he know tat she never tot he understand her at all,little did he know tat she hates drummsticks even thou all he wants is the best for her.That night, both of them couldnt sleep, toss and turn, toss and turn...after hours, the old man couldnt take it anymore, he knows that he still loves her, and he cant carry on life without her, he wants her back, he wants to tell her, he is sorry, he wanted to tell her "i love u"...He picks up the phone, starting dialing her number....ringing never stops..he never stop dialing....On the other side, she was sad, she couldn’t understand how come after all these yrs, he still doesnt understand her at all, she loves him a lot, but she just cant take it anymore....phone's ringing, she refuses to answer knowing tat its him..."whats the point of talking now tat its over...i have ask for it and now i wanna keep it this way, if not i will lose face.."she thought...still ringing...she have decided to pull out the cord...Little did she remember, he have heart problems...The next day, she received news that he had passed away...she rushed down to his apartment, saw his body, lying on the couch still holding on to the phone...he had a heart attack when he was still trying to get thru her phone line....As sad as she could be...she will have to clear his belongings...when she was looking thru the drawers, she saw this insurance policy, dated from the day they got married, beneficiary of coz its her...together in tat file theres this note..."to my dearest wife, by the time u r reading this, i'm sure i'm no longer around, i bought this policy for u, thou the amount is only $100k, i hope it will be able to help me cont my promise tat i have made when we got married, i might not be around anymore, i want this amount of money to cont taking care of u, just like the way i will if i could have live longer. i wan u to know i will always be around, by your side...i love u"Tears flowed like river......"When u love someone, let them know... u never know what will happen the next min....learn to build a life together.. learn to love each other. for who they are.. not what they r..."
it's such a sad story.. cried at the end of it.. sigh..
some days, the loneliness and boredom just gets unbearable.. like today.. is this the onset of PMS i wonder..
you're out of touch.. i'm out of time.. i'm out of my head when you're not around..
i want you by my side.. any 'you' will do..
last day of reliefing.. somehow today was a little more unbearable than yesterday, perhaps due to the lack of techno club (the robotics lesson) to let me slack and get away from the monsters.. i spent my whole day with 1f.. wah.. at the day progressed it got worse.. kids are really rowdy when they are in a group.. when they played whacko.. oh my gosh~ they were screaming and shouting like nobody's business.. made them play a simplified version of 7-up too.. ahhhh.. so much of pointing fingers.. and scolding and reprimanding.. these kids have not learnt how to work in a team yet (not surprising.. they are only p1).. what was a rare sight though was during their assembly.. they had a mass music lesson and boy were they responsive.. the teacher made them do funny actions to a song and they were so enthusiastic about it.. they respond with zest to whatever they are required to do.. this is really hard to find in older kids.. who bothers to raise their hands when asked a question, let alone do funny actions? kids.. the naive days.. the days when you do not know how to hide your intentions or emotions.. days when you complain openly about people without being scared that they will backstab you.. days when you just scold that person in the face when he pushed you.. days when you look to adults for guidance in every single thing you do.. days when you have respect for everything and everyone older than you.. many things are gone when you grow up.. in a way, it is good, cos you learn to be milder and offend less people, but in a way, its bad too.. cos we are now concealing our most primitive side.. or has our primitive side changed through the years?
yo.. reliefing in rulang now.. taking over a teacher on mc.. i'm actually taking primary 1F.. it's not as bad and rowdy as i've imagined it to be.. the kids are actually quite quiet when u make them do work.. looking at them reminds me of those years gone by.. how many of us will actually think of our p1 days? days of colouring, reading those big big storybooks, doing easy worksheets like penmanship, PETS coursebook, playing pepsi cola 1-2-3 at the porch during recess, doing prefect duties in the mornings and recesses.. screaming at kids like arafat.. then getting screwed for screaming at them.. silent reading.. playing badminton on weekends or after school, mixed doubles, badminton tournaments.. how many memories have been packed in this building that has nurtured us for 6 long formative years? now, the building has really changed.. no longer that gray small building.. classrooms are now so big and spacious with nice tiles and decorations and tables, the canteen is so nice.. the com labs are high tech, the whole building looks bright and cheery.. definitely condusive for learning.. right now, i'm in the midst of robotics lessons with this pro trainer mr samuel.. i hate to think that these kids might be smarter than us.. rulang is gonna take part in a robotics com under the sec sch category.. these kids are learning much more things, and in much greater depth than we did those years.. it's scary.. perhaps its evolutionary.. humans are gonna become smarter and smarter.. *gggrrr* i know nuts about robotics lo.. so i'm just sitting ard blogging.. muahaha..
the 1f kids are cute.. made them do colouring.. of a shark.. then made them sit on a *magic chair* and read stories to the class, then made them read and act out this big storybook "pardon said the giraffe".. they get really excited by colouring.. and acting.. and reading stories to the class.. sometimes i am forced to remember my own childish behaviours through theirs.. things like "teacher he take my pencil", "teacher i dun wan to friend him", "teacher he do *some insignificant thing*".. haha.. other humans are powerful reflections of your past, and your future..
met ms beh.. she slimmed down really a lot.. a lot a lot.. but she still walks in that characteristic *ms beh* way i can spot her from afar.. now her hair is dyed.. she wears braces.. looks different.. but still has that essence of *her*.. hmmm somehow she is not that *nice* anymore.. i dunno.. there is just this change about her that i do not know how to describe.. was thinking to myself, did the endless piles of work make her forget to let her hair down, stop being so hectic, and perhaps, i dunno?? the highlight of the day is of cos meeting fu lao shi.. i dinnoe how much i missed her till i met her.. as usual, she is that motherly figure.. offering advices, awwwee.. teaching us lessons on life.. asking about everybody like bx jess liwei.. aaaahhhh.. i just love her to bits.. rulangnites.. fu lao shi says we shud all meet up for coffee with her someday! we definitely should!!! :) was telling me not to ren4 ding4 a relationship so early.. cos homosapiens are ever-changing creatures.. you gotta wait for guys to go thru ns, uni, and work society to toughen them up.. and according to her see how they respond to the numerous female advances that will inevitably arise along the way.. heh.. she said that girls are usually the ones who get hurt in a relationship, cos guys are more likely to change than girls and also cos girls pour everything we have all at once into a relationship, but for guys, they give bit by bit.. hence when things get bitter, it's harder for girls to let go.. (of cos i understand the underlying meaning she was implying by that sentence too.. heh).. she also said.. it is only when you meet other better guys and you can remain non-chalant to them that you know that you really love that guy.. if your devotion becomes shaky after meeting some other guys, then you do not really love that guy.. you are perhaps just hanging on due to habit, or things that you can't let go.. all these make a great deal of sense.. i just love love love fu lao shi.. *hugs*
meanwhile, im sure jess is having lots of fun in jb! (lucky gal, i met jovina just now), hectic bx must be drowning in her orders, and jam must be having fun with makeup.. mich will be trying to rid herself of the pox virus :) love u all guys..
living on earth might be expensive, but at least it includes an annual free trip round the sun :)
There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. -- Nelson Mandela
being a burden of society is not fun.. haha..
i bet my whole life (pun intended) that the cabinet will approve the setting up of the resort casino.. oh c'mon.. is there a need to make it so grand, like.. "prime minister lee hsien loong will announce the decision on wednesday" ??? you have all the ministers dropping hints here and there... "if we open a casino, there will be problems, but if we don't open one, there will be even more problems".. they have already made it so obvious, then just announce it la! they are just trying to give a nice impression of them weighing the pros and cons.. deliberating for very long, and then finally making such an agonizing decision.. *aaawwweee* i hate this kind of PR-ness.. i bet if we have a referendum, the masses' decision will be a resounding no.. and i do think that the gov has already received many negative opinions.. but in the end they are still going ahead with the idea.. bah.. a democracy?
if we do open a casino, i have no idea how many families will perish.. guys! go study psychology! god knows how many people will need counselling to rid them of their gambling habits or to help them cope with a family member who is a pathological gambler.. there is a really good market for it man.. and then you can set up gambler's counselling corner.. "quit gambling" hotline.. bah.. but of cos i agree, a casino will definitely improve our economy.. ok.. why not.. if they are gonna set up a resort casino, then ban all locals from going in!! i mean, isn't a resort casino meant to attract tourists? ok, i know that even if you ban locals from going in, you can't curb the gambling prob in singapore.. but at least dun add fuel to the fire.. if they wanna go to las vegas and stuff, we can't stop them.. perhaps a less drastic measure is to.. hmmm.. ok i know.. for locals, check their bank books.. like.. hmmm.. cap the amount of cash they can use to bet.. like.. within 3 months, they can only spend half the amount of money they have in their bank acct.. and have a "minimum amt" of cash in their banks.. like.. after you have spent half the amount of money in your bank acct, you must have at least $3000 bucks in the acct, only then will you be allowed to step into the casino.. if not, go home and save more $$!!! what an ingenious idea.. muahahaha...
what a weird day.. feel so emotional all of a sudden.. read jess' blog and felt so happy to know she's doing fine.. jess dear, i dun write in proper sentences too! my sentences are all broken up and full of dots and unsightly grammar mistakes.. but i guess that's how a blog shud be like. it is an exact expression of your thoughts.. type whatever you feel.. there's no need to *make-up* your words, to make them look beautiful, because then, it will be littered with deliberate beautifications and not be a true reflection of your inner self.. but of cos, i'm not putting down andrew fang or celene~ i feel so literary reading their blogs, esp celene's.. sentences are always perfect and full of chim words that express their thoughts and emotions beautifully in a poetic way.. i wish i can write like that.. but nvm, i shud be contented with who i am..
and then, i read betty's blog.. and felt so sad.. can really empathize with her situation, understand how she feels.. i wish i can give her comfort and company in her times of loneliness, but too bad i can't.. i can only pray that everything becomes fine and well in the end..
and of cos, i read hp's blog.. and its happyfying to know she's doing so fine with coaching.. what a touching scene it must have been to have a farewell party.. she has certainly managed to make a difference in the lives of these juniors.. good job gurl! good luck for the interview tml~ have faith and you'll do fine..!
surfed to bx's blog, and i saw the big title "power ranger" and i burst out laughing again.. it never fails to amuse me.. baoxin= power ranger! what a cute and apt association! overwhelms me with this urge to run up to her and hug her for being such a cute power ranger! heeheehee..dun bash me bx~ heh..
and of cos not missing out jamie's and ness' blog.. heh.. im glad that stupid passerby is not bothering jamie anymore.. heh.. jam's life is so interesting.. :) on the other hand, jia you nessie!!! you're just stuck in the moment! everything will get better soon.. hang in there with ur pan pan~ heh..
i think newton's law of motion applies to me a great deal.. i'm such a huge mass nestling in a box.. an object at rest will remain at rest and an object in motion will remain in motion at constant velocity in a straight line in the absence of a external resultant force acting on it.. haha.. i need a huge huge activation energy to get me moving.. because i have got such great inertia.. and once i get moving, its so easy to just stop cos there's an immense force of friction (think of a huge mass pressing agst the ground.. muahaha).. the law of inertia doesn't apply to stops.. haha.. ok.. enough rambling.. *grin*
rulangnites.. alex's dad passed away.. do send him ur regards.. life is unpredictable.. life is so vulnerable.. i hope he is coping well.. sent him a msg.. he said he can cope.. i dunno if i can cope if that ever happens.. god bless him and his family..
btw, received the nus med thing.. jess and mich, have u received yours? when are your interview dates? mine's on 9th may.. sigh sigh.. 530.. unearthly time.. and i'm freaking out about the essay.. god knows how long i have read anything medical or scientific or.. aiyah.. bah.. nvm.. worry about it when it comes.. :(
just had a short phone call with watson.. haha! that guy! still as funy as ever! i miss my primary school days and friends! watson's fav sch: hong kah sec.. heh.. cos of the green uniform.. haha..
time for nkf show!
sigh.. just received the package from uni of york.. for psychology.. it is just so tempting to accept their offer, and the sg gov scholarship, and then fly to uk for 3 years, study psychology, come back and work for ministry of home affairs.. when i'm back, i'll only be.. 22? how young!? and what a long way to go! my whole career path is mapped out.. nicely.. my salary might be capped, but i dun have to pay a cent at all for my education! and i get paid for studying instead! and i have a job sitting there waiting for me when i graduate.. nothing to worry about.. oh gosh.. what a tempting thought.. york is such a nice place too.. looked thru the brochures.. the place is so inviting and warm.. so nice.. and psychology is really such a fun subject.. how the mind works in conjunction with the body.. how people think.. i am really very intrigued by the wonders of it all.. and york is well known for experimental psychology.. something i like.. oh gosh.. tempting tempting.. but i must admit.. the career prospects of having a psyc degree is not all that bright.. there's quite limited things i can do.. boo.. but at least it puts my life in order.. if i study med, it will take 6 yrs.. with housemanship.. 1 more year.. and then you have to start working as a junior doc for like 3 yrs before you are recognized as a not-junior doctor.. and you have to study abt 5 more yrs to specialise? how old will i be? 30+!! and i want to get married and have children! how is that gonna fit in? how to have a successful career and a nice warm family life? those two dun seem to go hand in hand.. =( haha.. so confusing.. gosh..
i wish i can see into the future.. ahhh.. if only it is possible for us to look into the future.. so that we can choose our path now.. and once we have chosen it, then forget that we have even looked at the future before.. its another impossible thought.. and i guess it takes thrill away from life.. aahh.. stop day dreaming baorong.. haha..
i wanna fly away.. escape.. we only live once.. why do we have to make such *agonizing* decisions?
it's been an interesting day.. engaged in a long intellectual conversation with my shige (ie. tim).. it's been ages since i kept in touch with him.. he's become more matured.. or rather, our conversation has become more matured.. heh.. somehow, the conversation turned to him and his girlfriend.. and i learnt that they broke up.. quite sad.. it's been 6 years.. so i asked him why.. and he said it's because they feel that they could not help each other to discover god anymore.. he told me about these few christian books.. titled "kiss goodbye to dating" and " the christian courtship" or sth to that extent.. i guess it makes a lot of sense.. many people enter relationships not knowing what they want.. just for fun.. because its trendy.. that's frivolous dating.. but in a proper courtship, both parties try to find out if the other party is the right one god made for them.. so when they enter a relationship, its a "wife-to-be" or "husband-to-be" scenario, not just "girlfriend" or "boyfriend".. i feel that it's utterly true.. a relationship is not a plaything.. something you get into on impulse.. because it not only concerns you, it concerns the other party too, and we all know that psychological impacts can cause more damage than physical ones.. hence, every relationship must be weighed and considered carefully..
and of course, i embarked on my NKF-show inspired question: if your gf has kidney probs and has to carry out dialysis for life, would you still want her? he gave an absolute yes without even thinking.. asked him why.. and of course it's related to god.. god is all-knowing.. he planned everything.. if you know that she is the one whom god gave to you as your partner, you will take care of her no matter what, because it's not only that she is your partner in knowing god, you are her partner too.. good answer.. touched by his staunch belief in christianity..
and of course.. i rattled on about my doubts about christianity.. he said "god is perfect, god is so perfect that he can't stand any sin. and all of us are sinners. but he loves us. so he sent his perfect son down to earth, who led a perfect life, and who died on the cross to cleanse the sins of all those who believe in him, so that they can be in his presence.." uh-huh.. why is god perfect? if he is perfect, why does he condemn those who don't believe in him? isn't he supposed to be generous? its somehow like "claiming credit" or something like that.. ok, perhaps "claiming credit" is too bad a phrase to use.. but i guess this act of condemning is a wee bit too selfish.. aaahhh.. told him all that.. and then we launched off into another religious conversation.. but nope, i'm still not convinced.. i'd rather take all the "good" points of the different religions and combine them together.. haha.. form a whole new religion.. *grin* that's mustahil (impossible) though.. one thing i believe is that people who are sincere christians have good moral values..
what i value about singapore's cosmopolitan env is that we can openly cast our doubts about each other's religions and not get bombed in the middle of the night.. that's the way religion is supposed to be.. god is generous and kind. why would he want people to die just because they dun believe in him? that's ridiculous? why would he want to wage war? (perhaps only against evil).. aahh.. the questions are endless.. many things that are happening in this world are crazy.. they are out o fthe world, they dun belong here.. i'm starting to believe in "end of the world".. sigh.. the many many disasters in the world are making my heart ache.. earthquakes, tsunamis, terrorist attacks, SARS, bird flu.. sigh.. it's so so sad.. sigh.. if only greed can be rinsed from the world..
both of us expressed our shock at the number of people who sleep around.. it's really scary.. look at cleo.. when they ask for opinions on sex related issues, those who answer are like only.. 21?22? and they answer like pros! it makes me shiver to think about how vibrant the sex scene is beneath the protection that being in a good school has given us.. one night stands, flings.. those people who crave and yearn for physical intimacy, and yet shun away from responsibility and committment.. the balance has tipped too much.. in the past, women got shot for talking to men, and now, women and men are having sex like nobody's business.. can't the balance be in the middle? scary.. we should be in the era of conserberalism.. that will be an ideal situation.. :)
haha.. and yeah peeps.. yiming went for OCS commissioning ball.. tim said that if there was an award for "most outrageous dressing", she will win it.. her tan line was so obvious, she was wearing so little.. exposing so much.. and she was the partner of this guy who.. ahem.. you know what.. i wonder what she has been up to.. reminds me of what you guys witnessed about her and james.. bah..
but to each his/her own.. i just wish for the best for everyone.. :)
got a big shock.. have no idea why my blog dash board is in mandarin~ haha.. i can't change it back.. haha.. jamie's blog is like a make up column.. so funny.. heh.. at least now she has a job! ok before i start ranting about me being jobless.. its all my fault la.. i've only got 2 weeks plus before intensive driving lessons.. that is a not too short not too long time.. oh gosh.. im trying to think of things to do.. haha.. aaaahhhhh... *thinking bulb flashes* nvm i'll come up with something hopefully..
woke up in a good mood today.. can't stop smiling.. good sign! heh..
the tipping point is a nice book.. yep.. teaches u some psychological stuff.. i love psychology! and sociology! aahhhh.. it is so fun to find out how the mind works.. i came to a small conclusion of my own: the more 'wrong' something is, the more pleasure and thrill u derive from doing it.. maybe that's 1 reason why crime occurs! heck with moral law and moral righteousness! we only live once! should just do anything and everything we want! muauahaha*evil luff*
searching every corner
not missing any nook
seeking out opportunities
to give life a new outlook
i've been hoping and praying
that someday somehow
a miracle will happen
from that moment on
i will know exactly what i want
the moment of enlightenment
the huge turning point
know exactly where to go
wishing something.. someone
will touch me from deep within
transform me forever
and from then on
my life will be changed..
=) hey b.. read about all those earthquakes in japan.. i hope the places you are going to are not close to the afflicted areas.. if not it'll be so worrying.. i want to be ur bridesmaid next time! *grin*.. but guess i'm the pot calling the kettle black.. i'm quite intent on going on the youth challenge's humanitarian trip to sri lanka.. it'll be such a meaningful experience.. out of my comfort zone, and i'll get to reach out to others.. my dad and my mum.. talking to them can be quite exasperating sometimes..
dad: ask your mum
mum: ask your dad
me to dad: i asked mum already, she said ask you
dad: ask her lo.. she say ok then ok lo..
me: are you sure? everytime you say ok then in the end you will grumble and grumble..
dad: where got grumble?
me: i'm sure you don't grumble! that time i went korea you said ok, in the end you blame mum for allowing me to go
dad: ask your mum la!
me to mum: dad say ask you.
mum: dun ask me, ask your dad
me: he say ask you, you say ask him, so in the end ask who? ok, i dun care, i'm going.
both of them are so afraid (or is it lazy?) to make the decision or claim responsibility for the decision, so i have made up my own mind. i want to go. i am going to go. i am very sure that when i tell them that i have already made arrangements to go, they will protest and then launch into long explanations and speeches.. sigh.. then they should make it now. if not i will really get ticked off.
i mean, life is just for a fleeting moment.. no one knows how long it will last.. i just want to do something really meaningful in this lifetime.. make a difference.. really make a difference.. change someone's life for the better.. be his/her guardian angel.. i hope nothing bad happens if i really do go for the trip, but if something really happens, if i have given my help to someone, i will have led a meaningful life.. :) death is afterall inevitable..
i believe that everything happens for a reason, and there is always a lesson to learn behind everything bad that happens.. i hope all of us will be able to rise above the present circumstances and learn from the hidden lessons.. its easy to preach.. but hard to fulfill.. :(
you and i were caught in the rain
enshrouded in separate cases
trying to break through the chains
that has clouded each other's faces
touching the glassy walls
lost, not hearing a word
as we continued to fall
watch everything transform to dirt
the most painful distance in the world
is to be beside each other
and yet not be able to touch..
halo! read the blogs.. now even bx is talking about "growing up".. b, ur rly scary.. thinking about saving money to buy a house when you are 30 when you are not even 19? its good to plan ahead of course.. but.. hmmm.. ok.. isn't it a bit too early? perhaps that's because you are already in the "working world".. while i'm still suckling milk at home.. (muahah).. life is biasa sahaja.. (normal).. trying to learn some malay phrases last minute so that i can impress auntie anna and uncle latif when i go kallang tml! *grin*.. but if all fails..one sentence will save me! "saya belajah cekap melayu, saya tak tahu apa awak cekap! saya tak faham!" haha.. :P
time really flies.. it's been a week.. it didn't seem like too long ago when i heard daniel ong exclaim on radio that "it's friday! the weekend is here!".. i guess when you are unemployed or not schooling, you sort of lose sense of time.. everyday is the same.. cos everyday, you wake up as late as you want.. do whatever you want.. i guess.. right now, my aim is to read.. and learn.. learn as many things as i can.. things that i can't find time to learn next time.. like.. malay.. and of course driving.. and.. baking.. sounds crazy.. these activities are killing my grey matter (if they have not yet degenerated).. of cos i long for a job, but with all the funny times i've booked for driving lessons, it's rather impossible to get a proper job.. i think i shall just wait patiently for someone to look at my ad and decide to call me.. really hope i can go on some humanitarian trip.. badly want to go for the sri lanka one.. or the tibet or myanmar one.. it will be so great to engage in meaningful things during this interim period.. but if not, i shall just check up the volunteer sites.. :)
growing up means many things..
being nicer to my sis, mum, and try to do something to change my ugh dad (he's still not talking.. not smiling.. its a chore to be with him.. )if not, i have no idea how my mum can grow old with him..
being a kind good doctor. (in the far far future) hopefully i won't get blinded by money like what some doctors did. i hope i will be financially competent enough to not charge my poor patients and not end up in debt myself.. and maybe join medicin sans frontiers.. :)
being able to manage all aspects of my life well.. be a good friend, wife, doctor, mother, daughter.. many people warn me that "be doctor got no private life noe?".. i'm gonna prove them all wrong! who says that a female doctor can't juggle her career and family simultaneously? hmph!
knowing how to whip up marvellous dishes for my future husband!!
knowing how to do household chores efficiently!
widening my social circle and be more willing to get my posterior out of the house..
learning not to judge people or have pre-conceived notions about them. and of course not to speak ill of anyone.
thinking and using my brain more..
BEING MORE OPINIONATED AND DECISIVE! and not procrastinate when deciding to get things done!
BEING MORE CONFIDENT!
not being such a scatter-brain.
the list goes on.. shan't bore anyone further.. :P have a good saturday! i dream of world peace.. and a chance for an outing to Club Med!
hi bx.. here goes.. updates from my life.. :)
i attended my first malay lesson last night.. it's a really fresh experience.. feels like you are being thrown into the deep end of a pool.. drowning in the foreign vocab words and weird sentence structures (whereby malay's "ball me" :bola saya: means "my ball").. different pronunciations.. having adults as your classmates.. looking at classes from a totally new perspective.. learning has never been so challenging, for everything is brand new.. you have no foundation upon which to build.. perhaps we have been too acustomed to just piling knowledge on top of what we have already learnt.. it seems like an amazing feat how many years ago, at the tender age of 4 or 5, all of us embarked on our journey into this whole new strange world of words with zero knowledge, and perhaps with a more open mind, and of course, willingness and courage.. good thing was shulin, my rj classmate, was there too! imagine my surprise when i saw her.. :) the world is small!
today, i finally decided to act instead of just dream.. always dreamt of getting 4 more tuition assignments a week.. so that i can at least earn $1000 a month.. so i printed 5 posters.. advertising my tuition services to 5 different blocks in my neighbourhood.. luckily i have not gotten any prank calls.. and unluckily, no one has called to ask about me.. *sigh*.. felt so maluated to go around pasting posters at lift lobbies.. those residents would look at me as though i am some alien or loanshark.. *bah*
also went for my basic theory lessons this afternoon.. once again, thrown into the deep end.. either my brain has degenerated, or it is really confusing.. things about changing signals at roundabouts.. the 4 rules when travelling at a junction.. when you turn, you're supposed to turn into which lane.. which lane to go first.. when to stop when to go.. oh gosh.. the theories are enough to baffle me.. looking at the screen and trying to figure out which vehicles go first already took me half a day.. i think i will just get stuck in my car at a junction in real life.. really confusing.. at first i bothered jotting down questions i wanted to ask, but as the lesson proceeded, i decided my questions were endless, so i didn't bother jotting down anymore.. heck with it! i'm pretty certain i will get into some form of *near-accident* because i need to think which lane's vehicles need to go first.. haha.. wonder how practical will go when my theory is already a big mess.. and best thing is i booked my evaluation on mon.. i am so going to fail BASIC theory evaluation.. bah.. *mei lian le* haha..
getting pissed with japan.. why do they have to distort history like that? by doing that, they are admitting that what they did in the past was so hideous and inhumane that they do not even want to admit it! they are really irritating.. just confess to everything and get on with your life and future! what's so difficult about that? everyone has made mistakes.. although theirs was a grave one.. but as long as they have learnt their lesson, it's ok! the japanese should learn about what their ancestors did! it's only right that they know! they make people detest them more when they try to distort facts to hide the truth.. this "protectionism" is not going to get them anywhere.. tell the truth, be sorry about what you have done in the past, emphasize that that was in the past, things done by your ancestors, not you, hence you do not have to bear the brunt of the 'attacks', learn from that lesson, and then move on! as simple as that! i am sure this is not too difficult for the jap gov which had managed to devise ingenious ideas for torture in the past!
sophie's world is a really nice book.. its really ingenious the way the author tangles a mystery within the *dull* philosophy outline.. towards the end, the book becomes more interesting as the mystery unravels and you have a better idea of what is happening.. i am particularly intrigued by Freud's ideas.. his psychoanalysis, theories of the conscious and unconscious.. really interesting.. and then you have absurd things happening during sophie's midsummer's eve party.. like what joanna and jeremy did at the table and in the bushes.. i mean.. i am really shocked that the author included that into a philosophy book.. and to think the book was published in 94, when the world was still somewhat on the conservative side.. ahem.. took me by surprise..
there are many ideas worth pondering over.. i realise that i have escaped from asking all those philosophical questions, cos those questions are really open ended and there will be no end if you keep searching for answers.. where did the world come from? did it exist from nothing? or did it always exist? if there is the big bang, then where did that initial ball of matter come from? meaning of life.. i tend to agree with the existentialists like satre.. there is no universal meaning of life.. there is no innate moral law that instills in us an idea of a meaningful life.. we have to find and carve out our own meanings.. however, i do believe that some part of our behaviour is nature, while some is nurture.. man interacts with his surroundings, and his surroundings interact with him too.. man carries with him his conscience.. but is this conscience innate? or is it determined by the norms of society.. i would like to think some parts of it are innate.. but.. most of us believe that killing other homosapiens is wrong, but what about those who believe in honour killing? so is "murder is a sin" something innate or cultivated?
freud's ideas are really attention-grabbing.. his theory that things we try to repress and relinquish into our "unconscious" will try their very best to gain entry into our conscious.. thus sometimes we find ourselves making slips of tongue or pen (parapraxes).. its scary how the little things we do might actually be reflections of things we are trying to repress and which we might have no idea about.. he also said people tend to rationalise.. meaning we do not give the real reason for what we are doing either to ourselves or to other people because the real reason is unacceptable.. and people tend to project too, ie we transfer the characteristics we are trying to repress in ourselves onto other people.. the "theatre of the absurd" which flourished during his time which showcased many of the ordinary things people do which seem trivial in everyday life, but are actually hilarious or shocking when re-enacted on stage..
he said that even babies have some form of sexuality (which offended many of the middle high class people during his time).. he observed that infants love to touch their private parts (??!).. this is something innate in humans, but to conform to social norms, we are educated that sex and anything to do with it is a taboo (ie Victorianism) and we feel guilt whenever ideas of sex pop into our mind.. hence, sex and sexuality is repressed in our unconscious, trying to fight its way out into our conscious.. thus many people face this lifelong conflict between desire and guilt.. something innate that is being repressed..
Freud determined that all dreams are wish fulfillments. This is clearly observable in children (i agree.. i always dream of polly pocket and Penz candies and riding on the kiddy rides). But in adults, the wishes that are to be fulfilled in dreams are disguised. That is because even when we sleep, censorship is at work on what we will permit ourselves. And although this censorship, or repression mechanism, is considerable weaken when we are asleep than when we are awake, it is still strong enough to cause our dreams to distort the wishes we cannot acknowledge. Which is why our dreams have to be interpreted. The apparent dream always takes its material or scenario fromthe previous day. But the dream also contains a deeper meaning which is hidden from consciousness. Freud called this the latent dream thoughts, and these hidden thoughts which the dream is really about may stem from the distant past, from earliest childhood for instance.
Besides Freud, Marx and Darwin are really remarkable people too.. :) their ideas and courage are terrific
Some other lines that i like..
wisest is she who knows she does not know -- Socrates
like a giddy planet round a burning sun
the path of mystery leads inwards-- novalis
(man bears the whole universe within himself *ie man is one whole divine being with the universe* and comes closest to the mystery of the world by stepping inside himself)
the starry heavens above me and the moral law within me
man is condemned to be free
he who cannot draw on three thousand years is living from hand to mouth --goethe
Give me a firm point on which to stand and i will move the earth -- archimedes
(that's how the term "archimedian point came about)
What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed? And what if, in your dream, you went to heaven and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower? And what if, when you awoke, you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what then?
(what a pretty verse.. i'm in love with the mystic and dreamy notions it emcompasses)
In Goethe's Faust
As faust dies and looks back on his life's work, he says in triumph:
Then to the moment could i say
linger you now, you are so fair!
now records of my earthly day
no flights of aeons can impair
foreknowledge comes, and fills me with such bliss,
i take my joy, my highest moment this.
and then as soon as faust dies, the Devil exclaims:
A foolish word bygone.
How so then, gone?
Gone, to sheer Nothing, past with nullmade one!
What matters creative toil
when at a snatch, oblivion ends the coil?
"it is bygone"--how shall this riddle run?
As good as if things never had begun,
yet circle back, existence to possess:
I'd rather have Eternal Emptiness.
(i'm really rather baffled by what the verses mean)
Thomas Hardy's *Transformations*
Portion of this yew
is a man my grandsire knew,
bosomed here at its foot:
this branch may be his wife,
a ruddy human life
now turned to a green shoot.
These grasses must be made
of her who often prayed
last century, for repose;
and the fair girl long ago
who i often tried to know
may be entering this rose.
So they are not underground,
but as nerves an veins abound
in the growths of upper air,
and they feel the sun and rain,
and the energy again
that made them what they were!
excerpts from a poem by Arnulf Overland:
Wakened one night by a curious dream
and a voice that seemed to be speaking to me
like a far off subterranean stream,
i rosed and askedL what do you want of me?
been feeling unfeeling
about many possibilities..
as humans, we are never free
physical freedom is of secondary importance
if we can't be free within
humans are always bound by chains
from your conscience and some intangible "moral law"
in this intricate web of human relationships
you never know what you're gonna get
will what i do today
affect something tomorrow
or anything in the future
history is just like a river
it is affected by things from yesteryears
and its imminent course is nonetheless
modified by what happens today
making decisions and resolutions are tough
somethings are right
and are also wrong
somethings can't be determined
is life short
or is it long
if life is short
should we just live it to the fullest
and what if living life to the fullest
means encroaching on others' happiness
means not being morally right
humans are ultimately not free beings
i don't want any responsibility
i'm nursing a swollen right eye.. looks like i've got an ultra big eye bag on my right.. scary.. just as i was watching turn left turn right yesterday, i suddenly felt something ballooning beneath my right eye, and in the short period of 15 mins, my eye swelled.. haha.. doc said its some inflammation.. the eye drop hurts.. do i have that much bacteria in my eye? haha..
four things i picked up from the news today..
1st) 15 patients from SGH have caught this vancomycin resistant enterococci (VRE) virus.. hence, SGH is halting all non-emergency operations for 2 weeks.. its like a biomedical nightmare come true.. this type of virus is resistant to all (?) kinds of antibiotics, hence it is really hard to bring it under control.. its really scary.. when we study it in biotech, it sounds so foreign and detached.. but when you think about it in depth, you can't help but feel afraid.. hopefully these 2 weeks will help to "eradicate" this virus.. imagine.. all the plasmids being exchanged about during conjugation.. the whole world will be in a mess.. *shudders* biotech firms will be racing against time to find a new antibiotic to bring this super virus under control.. and perhaps after a few years, another strain of super super virus will emerge.. oohh no, when is this cycle gonna end.. some people might say we brought it upon ourselves.. those anti-progress or anti-medicine advocates will say its our fault that we invented these kind of antibiotics, but of course i'm not gonna agree that our progress in medicine is bad.. god knows if i'll still be alive if i didn't take antibiotics at some point in my life..
2nd) the earthquake in sumatra. sigh.. my mum says that this region is struck by one disaster after the next because the people there do not lead "very moral" lives.. some religious thing.. something like the people there are "evil", that's why disaster strikes.. i'm not too sure about that idea.. would prefer to think about it as we singaporeans are lucky that we do not live near faults or volcanoes.. we are surrounded by water on all sides.. god knows what will happen if some earthquake occurs in the waters around our teeny island.. there'll be nothing left.. so i guess it's good in one way.. no need to rescue efforts to pour in from all over the world.. cos there's nothing to rescue anyway.. haha.. come fishing? but ya.. i used to think its very noble that all the nations are offering humanitarian help.. but ya, someone told me that the reason why SAF offers help so instantaneously is because it is a good time to showcase of military powress and operational readiness to all over the world.. some sort of military deterrence.. i'm not too sure which is the main driving force for the organization, humanitarian aid, or an opportunity to showcase.. it "irks" me a little to hear the news broadcast our readiness and spontaniety with such pride.. but i guess there are really people who really do want to help.. cheerios to them.. hopefully those who lost their loved ones will be able to deal with these permanent wounds.. grieve, mourn, and then move on.. and hopefully, their ability to move on will not be hindered by financial or resource limitation, or worse, another natural disaster.. god bless them..
3) i'm quite fed up with political stuff.. i mean.. oh man.. china and taiwan.. when will this ever end? it will never end! both sides are so.. to put it in a nice way.. determined to get their way (good traditional chinese value?!), to put it in a not so nice way, stubborn.. taiwan will die for independence (figuratively and literally, they yearn for independence, and if they really fight for it, the anti-secession laws in china will really cause deaths) sigh.. if you minimise it to a much smaller scale, its so childish.. but i guess it concerns a country's sovereignty, so its not so childish anymore.. i dun understand why taiwan wants to be independent so much.. ok, they become their own severeign country.. but with the heavy price of trade embargos from china and her allies to pay.. i dun understand.. political matters are so.. ughx.. unfathomable.. yucks
4) i will never ever marry a politician or someone who intends to go into politics. i can't imagine myself having to "set the example" for all the tais tais in singapore.. that heavy responsibility.. can u imagine newspapers headlines "minister's wife shakes legs in public" and then below it is a videoclip of me shaking and fidgeting.. haha! ok.. i am daydreaming once again.. that thought is just plain disgusting. if you visit a foodcourt, people will make a big fuss and take it that you are advocating having meals in foodcourts, or in particular, that foodcourt.. ok, i think i am exaggerating.. and imagine that poor child! how much stress he or she faces? if she is not smart, people will say "how come minister's child so stupid".. if she is smart, people will say "she thinks she's so smart, minister's child wad!".. and then things your child do will be in the limelight.. think of beckham's romeo and so on.. oh man.. caught a snipet of the newly promoted minister's sons and daughters taking a picture after they sweared in on tv.. yep.. that's the cause of this passage.. haha..
ok that's the end of my ranting.. biased.. unreasonable.. but ya, that's what i think..