Monday, July 26, 2004
had a pretty long talk with my knowledgable mum.. almost 2 hours.. and i really admire my mum.. she's really so knowledgable.. and she really understand me inside out.. i love my mum! well.. had the UCAS talk today.. uni appli is really so hard.. i dun feel like going to uni anymore.. wish we could revert back to the times when women's responsibilities were only to give birth and take care of the family..then i wouldn't hafta worry abt this kinda things.. but then again.. i dun think women led fulfilling lives then.. so nvm..
its funny how my ambition shifts from one to another.. just like many of my big decisions in life.. like going to RJ or HC.. choosing history or geog elect.. takin 8 or 9 subs.. so far.. i've not really made a bad choice.. thanks to my mum.. and hopefully this time.. i will make the right choice too.. mum encouraged me to be a doctor.. and i know deep down.. that's what i wanna be.. its a meaningful life.. but i'm escaping from this ambition cos i'm afraid.. i'm such a coward actually.. my mum brought out the feelings that had been hidden inside.. feelings that i'm so confused about myself.. she told me that i'm choosing the easy way out.. cos i'm afraid of losing.. psychology is the easy way out for me.. there's not as much competition and the standards arn't really that high.. i'm afraid of meeting with the worst outcomes.. and so i make excuses for myself like.. i can't take the 8 years of studying.. i'll go mad.. being a doctor deprives me of my life.. i wanna be a mum.. a responsible one.. all these excuses.. they are just excuses.. mum told me i'll most probably regret it.. cos all my friends will be sth big.. and i'll only be a small counsellor.. i'll xin li bu ping heng.. which is quite true.. she said many things else that are so true about my character.. and in summary.. i wun find much satisfaction if i really decide to take psychology.. it might be the easiest way out now.. but the future will hold regrets..
and then i told my mum.. if i wanna be a doc.. i carn make it big.. its hard.. cos everyone's better than me.. how wrong am i to think that way.. my mum said i'm so silly.. i'm thinking that the boat will capsize even before i have the boat.. and she pointed out that.. in the end.. if what i really wanna do is to help people.. then making it big or not will not matter.. cos the greatest satisfaction lies in using my knowledge and heart to renew life in others.. she said these kinds of thoughts.. about power and status.. is my greatest barrier.. and i totally agree.. and now i know it.. better late than never.. thank god for a mum so wunderful.. :) she totally rocks.
and now.. i feel the renewed resilience in me.. the determination that baorong once had.. the self reassurance that she'll survive anything in her way.. no matter how tough.. cos nothing gets in her way.. the positive thinking that submerged deep below the surface for quite a while.. but now is back. mayb not yet in full force.. but its a good start.. i'll face my challenges with a smile. Jia you everybody! :)
Sunday, July 25, 2004
yo peeps! i've just been to the most funky church ever! city harvest church! :) it was truly a memorable experience.. though i am not converted yet.. let me start with the whole story.. woke up super early today.. was supposed to meet alina and then go to boon lay MRT to meet meiqi and the rest.. but her mum suddenly "went crazy and insisted that she stayed home" (quoting al).. was deciding whether to go or not.. but still went in the end cos i felt i shouldn't betray meiqi.. she needed people for her netball team.. well.. so in the end, i went to the mrt station.. met mq, carissa, daphane, and doreen.. dun really know them that well.. but at the end of the day, we became better friends..
City Harvest is really really rich.. they chartered buses to ferry people from all the MRT stations to the church.. like 80+ buses were chartered.. gosh.. i'm really surprised.. so we took the chartered bus and arrived at the church.. well.. the church is really a magnificent building.. doesn't look like a church, more like some.. er.. company building or recreational building.. all the decorations, shops, fountains etc.. its unbelievable.. according to the pastor, this titanium building cost 8 million bucks to construct.. what a hefty sum.. the building had 9 levels.. B4 all the way to level 5.. its really amazing.. the whole place was fully conditioned.. had book shops, cafes.. roof top garden, some pools.. and at B4.. what i saw really astounded me.. it was this super super cool audi.. comparable to UCC la.. (just that it doesn not have 2 levels).. the place was overflowing with people.. it was supposedly weekend connection, and the people were supposed to bring their friends along.. its really cool.. the audi is super hi tech.. there's screen that projects the things happening on stage.. like during a concert that kind.. throughout the whole time.. i felt as though i was attending the live telecast of a rock concert.. its such a different experience from the time when i went to john chia's church.. here, the people worship their god differently.. they sing pop songs.. they throw their hands in the air and jump about.. on the stage, there were drums, choir people dressed funkily, electric guitars.. and they say their prayers through playing rock religious songs.. sang quite a few songs.. i din join in cos it'd be too fake.. its really a whole new experience.. i really see people so into their religion.. could feel the sincerity in their worship of Jesus from the way they really immerse themselves in singing the songs of praise.. how they jump about in the "joy of knowing Jesus was there", lift their hands up to feel god.. its really a breathtaking experience.. i've never seen people who are so passionate about their religion.. except perhaps the terrorists.. haha.. its really amazing.. and the singers were amazing too.. their voices were so great.. i wouldnd't be surprised if they are like.. rock stars man..
after quite a long while, we got to sit down.. and the pastors spoke to us.. welcomed us there.. but what i really wan to share with everyone is what pastor kang said about dreams.. he's a really eloquent speaker.. really good.. veh impressed.. he said.. dreams.. spelt D-R-E-A-M..
d= desire
r= research
e= enterprise
a= association
m= mastery
d: Desire
Know what you desire.. Know what are the things you want out of your life.. things that you are passionate about and really want to do.
r: Research
Find out the ways you can achieve what you desire and what you have to do in order to reach ur dreams. Also research if your dream is a realistic one. Do not dream unrealistic dreams. (like wanting to give birth when you are a man) Also, find out if your dreams are worth your sacrifices.
e: Enterprise
The resilience and courage to look fear in the eye and the determination to hang in there despite difficulties. Courage is not the absence of fear, but confronting fear face to face and not giving up. Dare to take the road less taken. Do the right thing, not the popular thing.
a: Association
Hang around other dreamers. Don't hang around the wrong company, people who have no dreams and who destroy and dampen your dreams. Mix around with people who can help you achieve your dreams, not those who stand in your way of achieving what you desire.
m: Mastery
To dream about something but not putting in concrete efforts and actions would eventually amount to nothing. Everything requires skills. If you want to succeed, you have got to be willing to put in the time and effort to perfect your skills. Practise and you shall master.
He added on that many successful people have dreams.. but they do not have god.. so what's the difference between having god and not having god.. he said that when one's dreams are god given dreams, then, fulfilling these dreams will not only make you and your family happy, but also benefit the community.. (i understand what he is trying to say.. but well.. i found it quite hard to accept.. its true.. but still.. is it true?)
all in all, it was such an inspiring speech.. all the things he said about dreams are so true.. perhaps bits and pieces of these exist in my cluttered brain, but it really takes an intelligent mind to summarize and piece all these little pieces together.. And i thought to myself.. i desire to be a doctor.. but i don't have the enterprise.. i think about the hardship.. the long hours of studying.. the deprived life.. and i dun think i can make it.. and after my preliminary research.. i have decided that this dream is not worth all my sacrifices.. i wanna be a great mother.. i wanna have a more fun life.. though i want to help people, giving up the fun factor is too much for me.. there are other ways i can choose to help people.. but i dunno in what ways. Medicine is the popular thing.. but in the end, i know there is a high chance of me ending up miserable and regretting the choice i made.
besides talking about dreams, the pastor also talked about other things.. around the end of the sermon.. he asked those who wished to be prayed upon to proceed forward.. the whole grp of us did.. i found what he said to be quite touching.. like.. i can't remember much.. i only know its about praying for us, letting god find his way into our hearts, helping us find our dreams and direction in life.. i was desperate.. i told myself.. just give it a try.. perhaps god might really enlighten me and help me find my way in life.. as i proceed down the stairs to the front.. i felt this sudden urge to cry.. i dunno why.. it just seems like after the pastor had made such an inspiring speech, i have still yet to find my own direction in life.. and i'm desperate for an answer.. i went down.. the pastor led us in this mega prayer.. we repeated after him.. i sincerely said everything he said.. hoping that some miracle will happen and i will suddenly get enlightened.. but i guess this kinda things can't be helped.. meiqi daph and doreen held me and carissa (we were the only 2 non church goers) bowed their heads and prayed for us in their tongues.. (tongues as in.. some language that they speak to god in.. and the devil will not understand.. mq said its just.. suddenly you know how to speak it.. and before that.. you seriously have no knowledge of what that language is all about.. you get cos you got prayed upon by others, or just suddenly.. u get it.. i'm veh fascinated.. its really.. so 'holy'..).. this counsellor also held both of us with the rest and prayed for us.. i really find their sincerity so overwhelming.. and i really admire their strong belief in Jesus their savior.. too bad i can't understand that.. or else, the church trip would have been a much more fruitful experience..
the sermon ended.. we went to the rooftop garden..got introduced to a lot of people.. ate free orange julius hotdogs and walls ice cream.. they are really super super super rich can.. there was so so so much free food lo.. blahz. stoned our time away at KFC till the bus took us to NUS... were at NUS to take part in their netball outreach.. played 5 games i think.. this girl brought her whole Singapore Sports School Netball team there la.. we were like.. what the hell.. they go there for what.. sure win one wad.. bleahz.. lost to them.. and another grp... and we emerged 3rd.. we also played a friendly with the guys team.. not professional guys team.. but the church's guys team.. its quite fun.. haha.. we won them! woah!! super cool lo! shot in some beautiful shots.. so did carissa.. i was GS while she was GA.. she had more mo qi with daph.. :) played in the hot sun from 2-5 and now.. i'm emitting infra red rad even as i am sitting down.. i'm burnt at my shoulders.. and my cheeks hurt.. looks like i applied blush though.. haha..
really made a few new friends today.. like leila, sophie, carissa and some others.. got to know my existing friends a lil better too.. and i really admire doreen's character.. she is charismatic.. and she is really mature and nice.. she is really.. *mei hua shuo!* :)
just wanna thank meiqi for giving me this chance to add more experiences to my life.. and thank god that i made the right choice today..
Saturday, July 24, 2004
sigh.. its another brand new day.. i'm afraid of living.. cos i'm afraid of what is going to come today and tomorrow.. yesterday and the yesterdays seemed so comforting..
went out with the chiobus yesterday.. jess, mich (the bday girl!!), bx, hp, ness, jamie, betty.. all look so chio.. 'cept me.. but its ok.. met at cityhall.. walked to suntec.. went to marche.. then went to pet shop, then went back to marche, waited for bx n betty.. then started eating..i ate my brocolli and stuff as usual.. there's nothing much i can eat there.. but its the company that matters.. it was ness' last night.. she going aust tonight.. gonna miss all the outings.. took lotsa photos.. hope jamie will dev them soon.. bx and hp too.. ness got hers uploaded though.. talked quite a bit.. porno talks.. ate for 1.5 hrs ++ then spent lotsa time outside marche making lotsa noise and taking lotsa photos.. while hp and i went to espirit and freeloaded.. the evidence is still on my fingers.. got 5 dif colours of nail polish on my fingers.. haha.. i feel this new sense of closeness with hp.. we seem to have a lot to talk about now.. and i feel closer to her.. unlike before.. :) wonder if she has the same feeling too? :) what a pleasant feeling.. :) saw zac and her bf and friends there too.. gosh.. wad a big change.. from a tom boy to a girl with mini skirt and super huge b**bs.. its a surprising change.. after spending ages at the espirit place.. we walked.. to esplanade.. to the waterfront where yh and i always sat and talked.. and i brought them to the place where yh and i spent our christmas eve.. still remembered how we sat at the little block of cement over the ledge.. admiring how majestic fullerton looked close up.. the girls took lotsa photos there.. as usual.. captured the memories of the night when the whole clique was there.. happy, smiling, still united.. at abt 11+, we all parted.. jess and jam and bet stayed over at mich's place.. bx ness and i shared a cab home.. hp went home by MRT..
and i woke up today having a hangover.. from last night's excitement.. and fun and laughter.. i'm feeling down again.. perhaps there's just nothing to cheer me up.. feeling down is like a default mood for me lately.. at least last time the default was being neutral.. i'm just sick of my life.. sick of the uncertainty.. sick of being unsure of what i wanna be.. sick of worrying for my future.. i just hate the way i dunno what i want in my life.. spoke to my mum's friend.. spoke to me a little about psychology.. its a highly specialised field.. just wondering.. after studying psychology.. what can i do.. just a counsellor? is that what i want to be? is that what i am cut out for? i have zero ounce of patience.. i want to help people.. but how? she said being a counsellor earns very little.. can i get my job satisfaction with a low wage?being a cousellor is nothing big too.. i really dunno what i want now.. its scary how ur future is affected by ur single decision.. its like.. i'm being thrown into the deep end of the pool.. i'm struggling to find my float.. and i have to find it soon.. or else i'll just sink.. its scary how reality and society is so near now.. your parents can't shelter you anymore.. i want to be someone big, i want to help people, i want to have lots of "life" beyond my job, i want moderately high wages, i want my job to be fun.. is there any job that fits all those critera? feelin depressed.. and A's seems like the great wall of china.. sth so big.. sth that i can never cross.. i hate my life. i hate myself.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
to all my jiemeis: it suddenly dawned upon me that perhaps its the being apart that keeps all of us together.. our relationship may get too.. stagnant.. if we see each other so often! so i'm glad for this arrangement that god has made.. :)
Monday, July 19, 2004
a levels is so near.. yet so far away.. it seems like after a's.. there's just too little time to do whatever i want to do.. like.. learn pilates.. join aerobics and yoga classes.. learn kickboxing.. go canoeing.. read up on psychology.. read all the nice storybooks.. watch numerous movies.. go crazy.. work at every single place in the world like petrol stations blah blah blah and the list goes on and on.. and meanwhile you still gotta worry abt ur results and scholarships and uni applications.. its really hectic and somehow, only the relief from studying is comforting.. but yeah.. its better than what we are going thru now.. lucky ness..
just finished the book.. its rather sad.. or should i say.. its really sad.. an innocent child's heart.. hardened by the harsh reality.. i wonder how many children in the world are facing this kind of things today.. its really lucky that dave is strong enough to look beyond his plight and start afresh.. how many others can be as lucky as him? child abuse and family problems, most of the time, are the roots of the many problems a child face and account for his behaviour when he grows up.. the importance of the family cannot be undermined.. if only everyone knew this.. and strive to give their child the best headstart before they enter the real world where they have to use their past experiences to guide them through..
reading the book "a boy called 'it' ", an autobiography of a little boy.. and i'm really disgusted by how a mother can treat her own son this way.. she stabbed him, made him drink ammonia, smell mixture of chlorox and ammonia, made him submerge his whole face in water for hours, starved him for 10 days in a row, bashed him up, prohibited him from getting food, brainwashed him with excuses to give to people who are concerned with his plight, prohibited his father from coming into contact with him, burnt him with a stove and forced him to lay on top of the stove so that she could watch him burn while she stood aside and laughed, smeared his brother's soiled diapers all over his face and forced him to snoot shit down his nose and eat shit.. i feel so.. disgusted and taken aghast by this sort of monstrous behaviour.. this is not the behaviour fit for a human.. and i seriously don't understand why she was like this to him while she was such a motherly figure to the rest of his brothers.. and i don't understand why neither his dad nor his brothers were brave enough to stand up for him.. where have their conscience and courage gone to? have they lost all their feelings? have they been numbed? this is really so disgusting..
but the boy is really good.. admire his courage and will to survive and continue living.. his tolerance.. if it had been me.. i would have slitted my wrists and died.. he was stripped of all his dignity.. he had no sense of self worth at all.. no one bothered giving him any.. and yet he could summon the courage to survive.. its so admirable.. compared to him.. i feel so small.. i have got everything he doesn't have.. and here i am wishing for more.. its wrong.. but it can't be helped.. and i can't help but ask God why some lives are bathed in riches and luxury while some are condemned to suffer the moment they were born..
and i realized that the most powerful force behind the will to live is actually spite.. the more people want you down, the more you want to stand up and show them that you will not be taken down.. this is the real spirit of life! and perhaps, later, this spite will be taken over by hope.. xi wang jiu zai ren jian.. hope brings the passion for life.. hopes for a better tomorrow.. hopes for the suffering to be over.. and i sincerely wish that everyone has equal opportunities to a happy and fulfilling life..
Sunday, July 18, 2004
sometimes, we feel as if we have truly understood the meaning of 'love'.. but when we look back and try to capture what it means, that understanding seems to have faded away..
sorry for all the successive entries.. haha.. i feel like i'm collecting so many experiences and feelings.. picking them up on the way.. adding them to my collection.. so that my life will be well spent and well led..
"i can tell that both ways can be a success, and both can be failures too.. its how you maintain or keep it going. Don't leave room for regrets. Once you decided on one, make it the best it can be.."
there are too many 'ifs' in our lives..
each if leads onto a new path..
and we never know the ending of the other 'if'
and its no use thinking of the other 'if's
make the best of what you chose
bx makes such a great mum!! :) mama ho!! haha!
and baoxin tells me..
"continue your gallop to the pastures beyond... dun look back"..
i imagine myself on a great white charming horse.. riding on this big endless green pasture.. riding.. riding.. leaving the rough patch behind.. further and further behind.. as i gallop forward.. with pain.. i concentrate on riding.. wanting to forget the rough patch.. forget that it ever existed.. hoping that i go forward.. instead of galloping back to where it all started..
Saturday, July 17, 2004
As i sit here and relive the memories.. time just trickles past.. How i wish it could last forever..
Suddenly, i can imagine pong saying "What's the point of sticking to one? You should expose yourself to more others! This is fun!" He's really mastered the skill of "when its time to let go, just let go and move on.."
As i was bathing.. memories just flooded into my mind.. And i realised that memories are the ones that give colours to our lives.. Memories are so important.. they are the ones which keep us company when we are feeling down.. cheer us up.. but they are also the cause of much of our misery.. Memories of mistakes made.. memories of things that should never have been done, memories of things that should have been done..
And naturally, my mind dwelled onto the issue of regrets.. Who can live a life without regrets.. When torn between choices, who can make a choice without regrets.. After making our choices and then meeting difficulties, we always ask ourselves what it could have been if we had taken the other path.. but that is too late.. Regrets.. The most common form of regret arises from taking people and things around you for granted.. We tend to treat the things we've got at hand like dirt, for granted, like they would always be there for you forever, and relish the thought of owning other things, not knowing that the one we have is so precious.. until they are taken away from us, perhaps permanently, perhaps temporarily.. TV serials and stories often depict characters feeling regretful because they did not cherish the people around them when they were still around, or because they did not have the courage to tell them their true feelings.. and everything becomes too late eventually.. Lucky for the people who lost the things they owned only temporarily, for they learn to cherish after they seek it back, but woe to those who lost it forever.. Regrets.
Regret also stems from pressure, from fear.. Pressure to conform to the norm, pressure to maintain inertia and resist changes, fear of what it might be to let go and move on, fear of things that would happen if you make that particular decision, fear of the hardship that would not have been there if you did not change your mind.. Pressure and fear cause you to shy away from courage.. Shy away from being the person you really are and shy away from creating memories that could have made your lives more colourful, or perhaps gloomier.. Another form of regrets.
Life is afterall so unpredictable. Forever is so relative. What is forever actually? What might seem forever today might be transient tomorrow. Who can judge if something is forever after we are gone? And can we continue that forever when we are really gone? Forever is a deception. A honey-coated word that gives people superficial momentary reassurances, something that is capable of laying their hearts at ease for the moment, for they know deep inside that forever is not forever. When paths cross, lives can change. We never know what fate has in store for us. What is a faraway path today might inch nearer to yours everyday, and when they finally cross, the definition of forever might be changed, forever.
Many processes in life are irreversible. Birth, ageing, illness and death are the few examples. However, we do not realise that many decisions that we make are also irreversible, for once made, they lead us onto this path where different memories are created, and there's no heading back. Some things happen and are forgotten, but some things happen and they stay, in our hearts, in our minds, and they change the attitudes towards which we view things, do things, feel about things. They change our lives 'forever'.
As we live everyday, parts of our hearts harden. We lose the sense of wonder and innocence that we once possessed. The optimism, the simple contentment, the easy satisfaction. We become brainwashed, influenced, we learn to toughen up to deal with the complex world, we learn to toughen up to deal with our own complex emotions. We become mummies. This tough exterior that wraps up the rotting interior within. Everyone hopes to find someone with whom they can be themselves, with whom their souls can be nourished. Will fate find a way to everybody's lives?
Our paths towards growth are painted with memories, regrets and irreversible decisions. I hope that the irreversible decisions that i make everyday will not lead me onto the path of regrets and remorseful memories. And i hope the same for everyone in the world too.. And i hope courage triumps over cowardice..
I feel like i've been through a lot these few days.. learnt many lessons.. about life, about others, about myself.. grew up a lot.. and i feel like i understand why some people do the some things that they do.. sometimes, verbal explanation just doesn't make you understand something,, you gotta experience it all, go through all the complex feelings..to emphatise with people, understand how to emerge from it and isolate yourself from your feelings.. some things.. i will keep in my memory forever.. 'cos one shouldn't be greedy.. having it once is better than having none at all.. :) i'm ready for a brand new day.. thanks baoxin!~ *winkx*
the five people you meet in heaven Tuesday, July 13, 2004
just wanna share this really wonderful book by Mitch Albom.. its called "The five people you meet in heaven" its a really wonderful book.. everyone should read it.. although i prefer the other book by Mitch, tuesdays with morrie however this book taught me some lessons too..
things like.. no one story stands alone.. sometimes you gotta make sacrifices for others.. big sacrifices.. and you never know the sacrifices that other did for you.. learning to forgive is the best antidote to all your sufferings..
these were some of the lessons that the 5 peope eddie met in heaven taught him.. how they helped him make sense of his life.. the meaning behind all the happenings.. and he finally realised that all the mundane things that he had been doing routinely everyday were actually not as insignificant as he thought they were, for they helped to preserve the lives and heppiness of others, whether the others know or appreciate it or not..its really a "chim" story.. and i am sure that when i read the book some years later.. there will be other lessons that i will learn from it that i have not learnt now.. so i would like to share some nice phrases from the book.. it's be such a waste to keep them confined to the dead pages of the book..
"Fairness does not govern life and death. If it did, no good person would ever die young."
"The human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and between missed, lives are changed. "
"When lightning strikes a minute after you are gone, or an airplance crahses that you might have been on. When your colleague falls ill and you do not. We think such things are random. But there is a balance to it all. One withers, another grows. Birth and death are part of a whole."
"Strangers are jsut family you have yet to come to know."
"Sacrifice is a part of life. Its supposed to be. Its not something to regret. It's something to aspire to. Little sacrifices, big sacrifices."
"Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else."
"All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair."
"Through it all, despite it all, Eddie privately adored his old man, because sons will adore their fathers through even the worst behaviour. It is how they learn devotion. Before he can devote himself to god or a woman, a boy will devote himself to his father, even foolishly, even beyond explanation."
"All parents damage their children. This was their life together. Neglect. Violence. Silence. And now, someplace beyond death, Eddie slumped against a stainless steel wall and dropped into a snowbank, stung again by the denial of a man whose love, almost inexplicably, he still coveted, a man ignoring him, even in heaven. His father. The damage done."
"Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments which used to define them- a mother's approval, a father's nod- are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives."
"He acted on impulse. A bad impulse. Your father acted on impulse too, and while his first impulse was to kill, his final impulse was to keep a man alive."
"It never changes, when the groom lifts the veil, when the bride accepts the ring, the possibilities you see in their eyes, it's the same around the world. They truly believe their love and their marriage is going to break all the records."
"Love, like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. But sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive."
"At one point, he asked his wife if God knew he was here. She smiled and said, 'Of course,"even when Eddie admitted that some of his life he'd spent hiding from God, and the rest of the time he thought he went unnoticed."
"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring then food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. Your nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end. Love doesn't. "
"You made me love you. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to do it. You made me love you, and all the time you knew it, and all the time you knew it..."
"And in that line now was a whiskered old man, with a linen cap and a crooked nose, who waited in a place called the Stardust Band Shell to share his part of the secret of heaven: That each affects the other and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one."
Friday, July 09, 2004
sigh.. guess wad.. i've got good news.. i got 50/100 for GP.. 27/50 for compre and 23/50 for compo.. and my comments were quite awful.. sigh.. no one in the world can get worse than me i guess.. sigh.. its so demoralising.. why.. why.. why is my GP weak? what can i do to help myself? i really dunno how to.. its horrible.. seriously.. its gonna wreck my future la.. i'm weak in vocab.. weak in sentence structure (i carn come out with fanciful and interesting sentences for nuts).. and i dun have the content to back me up.. carn think of arguments for anything.. and i carn pen down my thoughts properly in words.. gosh.. everything is wrong.. tears just started to folw uncontrollably when i saw my paper.. its just.. unbearable.. whenever i try to stop, tears would just follow.. *yeah hydrogen bonding* i really dunno wad to do with myself now.. and mr khoo had to ask me to offer my opinion on sth when i was in the midst of trying to stop crying.. i was choking from all the tears i swallowed and my brain was just in shock.. and the whole day.. i was stoning.. brain just refused to work.. even asked alfie if bromine vapour can be tested with damp starch paper.. how bad am i.. aigh.. i dunno also la.. if only effective gp tutors were around.. and in.. outside tuition.. i got this feeling that mr khoo is too chim for me.. or my english language is just bad.. its always been bad since young.. but anyway.. i'm feelin a little betta.. c0uld smile.. but still feelin rather vexed..
could someone who believe in fate try to convince me? but well.. was just thinking.. if those people who believe in fate decide to slack away and say that in the end, its their fate.. then.. its really their fate.. aiyah.. i dun even noe wad i'm trying to say.. gosh.. nvm.. my eyelid feels funny.. sth bad's gonna happen i guess..
Thursday, July 08, 2004
just some interesting thing to share.. i was reading cleo a while ago and did some personality test on food.. and i was classified as a control eater.. among all the analysis they gave.. here's sth i find really true..
"(they are) women who have a high self-monitoring index. They regard themselves in the light of feedback they get from others. They are often highly performance-oriented and have to be continually achieving things in order to provide themselves with a degree of consolation. At the same time, they see themselves merely as pretenders or imposters- there are often hidden self-esteem issues at play."
i think this is like.. wow.. so accurate.. the person must be a control eater herself.. haha.. now i've given everyone an insight of myself.. haha.. thanks dears for ur consolation and sharing ur thoughts on my previous entry.. jess.. dun feel so lonely and sad.. from the surface, it does not seem as if u r.. cos from what i see.. ur class is so bonded.. you've got sarah and gang.. and you've got jamie michelle who are like better friends to you than i am.. :) and you've got tian.. but well.. nobody knows what goes on beneath.. it's be great if all of us can just get together and have one big big girls talk again.. haha.. ness.. thanks for ur advice.. i've been trying hard.. i've forced myself to become more observant so that i can have more interesting stuff to talk to people about.. i've been trying my best to.. i dunno.. be more friendly?? Actually i dunno how to describe what i've been doing.. perhaps just to improve my condition now.. haha.. i'm very very shagged now.. sigh.. and i felt so.. sad today.. when our class was dismissed from lesson and we went out of the TS, nicholas (a J1 from my OG) just went up to yingheng excitedly and started exclaiming "wah, even in class also must sit together!" and he had that.. *i dunno what to describe* look on his face.. like.. "see? i proved you right!" and he said it so loudly.. i was kinda pissed.. its not the first time.. everytime he sees us, he'll just go up to yh and like.. "see? see? see what i said? its true.. you two are always together and words to that effect.. once he even asked me why i kept sticking to yingheng.. he's so good looking, i'm only going to limit his circle of friends.. why am i doing this.. i dunno what else he said.. its too hurtful to remember.. and all these while i've been ren-ning.. how long can i take it.. today when he said this kinda sick things again.. i nearly blew up.. just wanted to scream it in his face "is that anything of your business? shut up and keep your comments to yourself" but i forced myself to ren.. held my breath and counted to ten, and counted to fifteen again.. you may say i'm being too sensitive.. but i am not.. its recurring so many times.. every time he sees us.. shucks.. and now whenever yh gets stopped by his friends who talk to him, i just walk on.. i dun wan people to think i'm sticking to him.. what's wrong with all these people? not knowing what is going on inside the mind of another person does not give them the right to comment and say hurtful stuff. its just so.. mean. chor, like wad u said, i do not wish for loads or truckful of soulmates and good friends.. having 1 or 2 is enough.. i'm not greedy.. like right now.. i've found someone i am comfortable with, with whom i can share all my thoughts and show my ugly sides.. its just that.. he's my boyfriend.. that person is not a female.. and it happens that i'm the type who needs company of good friends around me.. just one good friend is enough.. not superficial friends with whom i find silences and conversations awkward and feel so ucomfortable being myself.. and so.. that's why we hang out together.. and further more.. we're in the same class! GOD BLESS. what else. i'm gettin quite agitated typing this.. shall cool down.. sigh..
i just dun understand why.. if the person had been a female.. even if we stick together till we share the same toilet cubicle, nobody will talk.. so.. why the big fuss? *cool down* *breathe* i dunno la.. its just so screwed up.. i'm trying so hard but nobody knows and nothing is showing.. i'm trying to learn not to care about what others say and think.. but its hard.. especially for me.. god help me..
Monday, July 05, 2004
and i suddenly realised that.. sometimes once you are hurt, the wound never heals..
halo.. was feelin kinda bored.. typed yingheng's name into yahoo and stumbled upon kaihan's blog.. the real blog.. not the "huggyteddy" one.. dunno.. suddenly i just felt so.. i dunno.. far away.. yep.. far away from my friends.. thinking of the time when alina was telling me.. "baorong, i'm really scared of working with kaihan.. cos i really dun understand him.. and i think he doesn't like me.. help me".. and now.. when they are close enough to have alina dig things out of kaihan.. i just wonder all these time.. where have i been? what have i been doing to my life? my life revolved around studies and him.. and i've neglected all my friends.. msged kenneth today.. found out he wasn't gettin on as fine as i thought he would be.. told him i suddenly realised i have been taking all my friends for granted.. i should have been nice to them, but i have not done so.. if this carries on, i'm gonna die an old lonely woman.. sigh.. if only i could find a song to describe this feeling.. if only there was a song to tell me what i'm feeling.. cos i dunno what i'm feeling.. i haven't been caring about my friends.. i haven't been caring about baoxin, abt jess, jamie, mich, betty, vaness.. i haben been caring abt kenneth, jingxiang, bena, ee sang, hongking and everybody else in my life.. its only when i read blogs and find out what has been happening that i finally realise what i have done to myself and my hollow life.. but its hard.. what am i supposed to do.. i'm gonna try hard to find a place back in my friends' hearts, and to create a place for myself in the hearts of the people whom i call friends but have only exchanged superficial comments.. i want to.. but how? yingheng's gonna call me silly.. he's gonna say take it easy.. i know i should.. once again, this feelin of loneliness begins to surface again.. nobody can have everything.. but this realization should not deter him from wanting to have everything.. is this right? dun think so.. cos he'll never be contented.. gosh what is going on in my mind.. no wonder yingheng always say he wonders what's going on inside this cluttered mind of mine.. many times, i wish i knew what was going on too.. when i know, i'll be a much better person..
halo.. watched spidey the day before yesterday.. its a really nice show.. *grinx* a superhero who is not all super.. he is weak inside.. he is tangled up by emotions, he is plagued by problems that we normal humans have.. poverty, grades, love.. and most important of all, guilt.. the guilt to his uncle ben that makes him this hero.. he's trying to repay his debt that can never be cleared.. the scene where the people in the train carried his body and somehow like.. "worshipped" him.. and realized that spidey wasn't any big invincible man.. just a small kid.. and then stood up for him when doc oc came for him.. its really touching.. and of cos the part where MJ found out that he was actually spiderman.. its real touching too.. i carn imagine giving up my love just to be spidey.. sacrificing urself for ur love.. its such a wei da gesture that i dun think i can do.. i'm much too selfish.. spidey is such a nice show.. i'm lookin fwd to the third installment..
yesterday went to send siyu off..was at the airport at 7am.. he's real popular.. the big bunch of people who went to send him off justifies my point.. it was the first time i met him.. and of course i was rather.. scared and excited too.. i think its the.. 3rd time i'm meeting ppl i haven't seen my whole life.. sth like.. *blind* meeting.. haha.. its a nice meeting.. he's interesting and funny.. haha.. signed his autograph.. limitted to only 5 minutes.. haha.. took a pic with him.. most of the time i was standing there feeling quite awkward cos i dunno anyone there.. except for him and qt.. haha.. he left at about 8.. when he was queuing up to check in.. i was wondering.. how was he feeling.. leaving his friends behind once again.. first.. from china to sing, then from sing to canada.. then now from sing back to canada again.. prob he's numb? but it must have been a very sad feeling.. inevitable thought of how i would feel if i were in his shoes.. if there comes a day when i have to leave my family and friends behind to pursue things abroad.. how would i feel.. i would cry definitely.. its such a scary feeling.. so heartbreaking.. just makes me so scared.. yet so.. xiang4 wang3 too.. dunno la.. i'm weird.. haha.. hope he's reached china now.. and enjoying his stay and the chocs i gave him..
and of cos.. i hope qt is ok too.. i'll keep his grandad in my prayers.. jia you qt! jia you qt's grandpa! :) do the thing that causes you less pain..
went to raffles marina country club in the evening.. played arcade.. its been ages.. always think that arcade is such an utter waste of money.. one dollar for a few minutes of temporary entertainment.. while you toy for hours to earn that one buck.. its just so not worth it.. but well.. since my parents are in the mood and my sister orders me to play.. guess i'll just let loose.. played daytona, some skiing thing and many other things.. then we went to the dock to look at the yatches that were parked there.. gosh.. they're how beautiful.. i was overwhelmed with awe and a little bit of envy.. cos it'd be so nice to own a yatch and be able to take it out to sea.. go out to sea away from the city.. into the nature.. with the people you cherish together with you and spend quality time.. the yatches were so cool.. 3 storeys high.. had some suntanning place.. the rooms looked so big from the outside.. just like that kind darren and eve would spend their time on.. haha.. how ramantic..and i was wondering what kind of people had this kind of money to do this kidna things.. just spend one day out at sea.. on such a luxurious yatch.. i made a silent promise.. i will own a yatch next time.. and i will learn how to drive it.. and i will make the time spent on it a memorable one..
and as if a continuation from the yatch story.. i went home to watch message in a bottle.. such a bittersweet story.. but well.. i still prefer the storybook.. its in the storybook that you know more about the character's thoughts.. its when you can read into their inner thoughts.. understand them.. its such a.. tender feeling.. so precious.. soemthing that you can never get from movies.. and of cos i was disappointed.. cos i expected garrett to be.. more rugged and younger and sexier and better looking.. and theresa to be.. eh.. i dunno.. better looking too? it just.. crushed my imagination.. the plot was somehow different too.. the storybook's one more touching.. probably its because i can blend into the thoughts of the characters.. their private moments.. haha.. but the show's quite horny.. they just keep kissing and making love.. haha.. but its a nice show.. i cried when she read the last note he wrote to catherine.. its so sweet.. its another theme of not cherishing someone till he is gone.. a love that was so strong.. yet had no chance to develop.. its just so tragic.. heartwrenching.. grieved for them.. and for any other couples in the world who are facing the same tragic fate.. and hoping that i will not end up like them..
and.. lastly.. greece won! haha~ i finally stayed up to finish one whole soccer match.. haha.. 57th minute.. i could feel portugal's desperation as time trickled by.. and it was almost 90 minutes.. its just so.. sad for them.. but greece.. the underdogs became the overdogs.. haha.. greece must be so happy now.. haha.. but well..its another story of perserverance.. and not giving up on urself when others have given up on you.. nothing is impossible if you put ur heart and ur efforts into something and you believe in urself.. a lesson well learnt.. :) good job greece! and dun give up the other countries! you win some you lose some.. victory will never be sweet unless there are failures to flavour them..! :)
Friday, July 02, 2004
halo peeps! went out with UL and bx today.. UL treated us to lunch at borders bistro cafe.. the things there quite ex ah.. bleahz.. had pasta and ice cream and smoothie.. gonna get fat.. but that's not the point.. he told us many things.. and i really learnt a lot of things too.. like how to approach ppl for sponsorship next time.. some business tactics.. but most importantly, he just confirmed the general direction i will have in my life... he said psychology is a good career to tackle.. just like wad my parents said.. and that's where my interest lies too.. so.. its really a relief to hear that he thinks its good too.. was asking him to list out all the occupations in the world so that i can choose.. and he said child psychology is good.. cos children nowadays are like.. gettin so super stressed.. just look at us.. great.. now i noe wad i wanna be! hee~ so happy.. get to talk to UL and bx again.. Bx seems like she's been thru a lot.. hope she gets out of this rough patch soon and be that cheerful self again.. jia you Bee!! ni xing de!! all of us are growing up together.. and we'll be there for each other~ dun feel ashamed or anything.. cos everyone got their own problems.. jia you! haha.. today saw so many people.. chiara was at HMV but din see her.. i saw denise.. selene and zhihan the sweeties, pbuddy victor, buddybuddy woo chiao, lilian, dexter and other people in that gang.. haha~ so cool~ saw michael and david zhang.. i thot david was james.. haha.. stared at him when i saw him.. cos i reckoned if it was james he'd say hi to me.. if not then its david.. save me from maluation.. well david and james gonna have a clubbing party at east coast tml.. dun think i'm going.. not the clubbing type.. and i'm going for siyu's party too~ haha~ east coast too! :) din get to talk much to yh today.. haha.. v funny.. first thing the juniors asked when they first saw me was "where's your other half? how come he's not here?" haha.. its so funny... but i was seriously glad to see them.. suddenly felt so lost and alone after bx left me for home.. its like.. suddenly lost a sense of purpose.. but it feels good to be home now.. and yeah.. changed my cursor and music! yay! :) cheers to the long weekend! and cheers to ness coming back again!!! and cheers to siyu's return too!
halo peeps and babes!!! :) i'm back! finally back!! slept till 1030.. heh~ its horrible~ wanted to watch the czech( is tt how u spell it) and greece match but couldn't wake up~ heh~ carn believe it man~ greece won~ the god must be with them after they watched troy~ muahaha.. its really.. gosh.. an ulu team into finals of euro.. how can u imagine that.. haha.. but anyway.. common tests are finally over! i like practically spent my whole hos mugging.. and now this 5 days hols is time for me to get back wad i lost.. hope i can As.. bio and physics a bit hard.. sigh.. veh unexpected.. bio sucks la.. the essay.. duynno y come out unimportant stuff like food spoilage and stuff. gosh.. thot monoclonal antibodies will come out.. but ya... chem ended on a good note.. i lost.. 7 marks so far.. so shud be can get A.. after that.. yh and i went to bugis to buy spiderman tix for sat! and ate lunch too~ and then we went back to his house..it was fun.. along the way he was teaching me soccer.. a subject which i had always been interested in but carn find any teacher.. now i noe wads offside wad a penalty wads a corner kick and throw in and stuff~ yay!!! :) haha.. we slack a while in his house cos his mum was not in.. haha.. and when she returned back.. she started showing me a lot of vcds and telling me how to eat right and sleep right~ haha~ i noe she has my interests at heart.. but haha. yeah like yh said.. the sun was going to set when she finally finished talking.. haha~ v funny.. after that we went biking.. from his house to pasir ris beach.. its really veh thrilling lo.. got cycle on the road got a tunnel.. got some slopes.. maybe its chicken feed for you all.. but with my poor bike skills.. i found myself overwhelmed with adrenaline most of the time.. haha.. sat at yh's cosy corner.. and then he taught me how to play chinese chess.. gosh its such an intellectual game la.. after he took great pains to explain to me everything, i played with him and like got thrashed super badly.. haha.. its how cool eh? doing sth intellectual at the beach.. bet we are the first! haha! hilarious.. hmmm then we went to the playground.. played on the swing.. tried out the chaos theory on the swing.. haha.. satellite dish..slides,spider web, seesaw, flying fox.. its really fun~ and then we biked home.. its really.. fun.. its prob the best entertainment one can get without money! i never had so much fun in such a long while.. :) hee~ then had dinner at his house.. his mum cooked mian sian..bittergourd and tofu.. haha~ i dunno how to appreciate bittergourd but still had to eat cos she said should eat~ haha~ but well! i din cry while eating it! unlike last time~ haha! after slack a while.. play with his cousin yang yang.. he's real real real cute lO! haha! super hyper! keep fighting with me~ haha.. and wanting to play chess with me.. in the end i pretended i was dem pro and was instructing yh to make moves for me~ (which is of cos all fake).. and they all saw thru my "ploy" and knew i dunno how to play~ haha.. and then he sent me home.. all the way from his house to my house! how wei da!! thanks dear!! so nice of you!! :P came back watched pi li huo.. its dem nice.. then watch meteor garden.. next week's episode is dem nice la!! Gosh!!!
hee.. and noe wad? i'm gonna get my singapore citizenship on 17 july!! yay!!! that means... the msia ppl can do nothing about me! cos apparently on 23rd july they're gonna start arresting ppl who skip NS~ haha!! i m FREE!!! I AM FREE!!!! yay!!!! :) so great!! haha!!! hope i wun hafta sing mari kita infront of the oath commissioner.. so malu.. hee.. and today's gonna be a fun day.. going out with bx and ul to talk cock.. sigh.. actually there's this squash clinic by ong beng hee the asian no.1 and world no7? how great.. but due to lack of interest from our side.. sigh... no more liao.. char and i veh sad lo.. its how rare.. but wel.. mei yuan fen jiu suan le.. bu nen qiang qiu~ hows everybody? i haben got time to read ur blogs yet!! i will do that later!!! :) hope everyone had fun!!!! :) luv yu all!!
