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Monday, November 15, 2004

hey hey hey! im so proud of myself! its my dad bday today and i'm whipping up shou mian for him and for me and my maid! hee.. quite a big achievement considering i've never prepared a decent meal in my whole life.. 'cept for maggie mee and mee sua.. haha.. gosh.. its adrenaline pumping! though its maths tml.. hee.. but recent events have taught me that kinship is the most important of everything.. hee.. yay! hope dad likes it.. gonna buy a teeny slice of cake for him later.. hee.. he din sound too happy over the phone just now when i told him i was gonna cook.. bleahz.. but its alright.. guys are liddat.. dunno how to express themselves!! yay!! dad's gonna eat ai xin shou mian tonight! laalaalaalaa!!! yay yay yay!!! oh and minesweeper flags is so so so so fun! im addicted to that game! go try it out! on msn messenger! hee..
and i'm going crazy over downloading songs.. :) burnt 2 cds so far liao.. yay.. got more variety to listen to while du shuing.. hee.. jia you everyone!!! in less than 2 weeks time.. it'd all be over! :) love everyone!

__pondering* 6:32 PM :)

Thursday, November 11, 2004

hi peeps.. don't really know how to start this entry.. wonder if i should be glad that my granda's gone.. or should i be upset.. he had been in great pain.. coughing blood.. chemotherapy.. injections.. its horrible to think what torment he had been through.. i could imagine this army of cells.. dividing and conquering.. attacking mercilessly, relentlessly.. determined to overtake everything.. and on sudnay.. my grandad's immune system yielded.. and he breathed his last. i went back to kl only on tuesday.. grandma was surprisingly well.. but it was very sad.. of course it would be sad.. what am i talking about.. but my sadness was mixed with anger.. anger towards those who were smoking.. can't they open their eyes and use their brains for a start? do they not know what took my grandad away from us? do they really not know or are they pretending not to know? its SMOKING! that horrible bloody cigaratte! it has caused how many deaths? and there they are.. at the funeral.. smoking.. i felt like screaming at them! stop smoking! i wun want to attend your funeral.. its your own doing that u end up in the coffin next. quit smoking for heaven's sake.

the chinese value system of favouring males over females was clearly eminent during the funeral procedures. sons had more priority than daughters.. wives of sons had a higher status than daughters.. offsprings of sons had higher standing than offsprings of daughters too.. really hate that culture.. but there's nothing i can do about it.. i spent the whole of yesterday kneeling.. and praying.. the coffin was sealed at 2 yesterday.. it was real sad.. almost everyone was wailing and weeping.. i felt inhuman.. i didn't shed any tears at all.. that's just me.. not crying when i'm supposed to. and then from then onwards.. we were keeling down listening to some experts in handling funerals perform rituals that i don't understand at all.. my knees hurt.. we knelt everywhere.. on the road, on dirt road, on tiles, on mud.. on sand.. but i guess all these doesn't matter.. but then again.. i question the need to do all these.. i understand its tradition and culture.. but.. well.. i wonder at the end of it all.. do all these rituals really help the dead? or are they simply gestures that comfort the living? we had to circle the coffin many many times.. guide my grandad to cross a bridge.. the "priest" did some "show" to show my grandad how to survive in the underworld.. we had to guide him into his new house.. when we were burning him his new house.. i just thought.. the underworld must be really big.. so many people have died.. and if only 1/5 of them have big houses and cars burnt and sent to them.. wow.. and the dead do not die again.. i wonder what place is big enough to accomodate all that.. sigh.. i know i sound disrespectful.. but i really felt that way.. and i just thought.. when i die.. i wun want my loved ones go through all these pain.. so many rituals.. and so much trouble.. i really wonder if they really do help at all.. what happens after death is a mystery.. i guess these rituals are really rituals to comfort the living.. and to show the outsiders that we are filial people..

we couldn't wash our hairs.. or change our clothes.. so we were clad in blue pyjamas (for 2 days for me.. 5 days for the rest).. today we sent our grandad's coffin off.. walked for half an hour.. but not before many many rituals.. and they took very long cos my grandad has many sons and daughters and brothers and sisters and cousins and grandchildren.. sigh sigh.. it was really really sad.. everyone was crying.. it was the last time we could see grandad.. as they covered the coffin.. i just felt so sad.. grandad would be all alone now.. no one to be beside him.. sigh.. all alone in that little confine.. its scary.. we threw dirt on the coffin.. got the money and rice he distributed to us.. sigh.. i want him back.. please come back.. please.. although i know that you've gone to some other happier place..

mum is very sad.. she cried till i carn see her eyes anymore.. sigh.. hope she will be alright.. grandma too.. i was just thinking about collin raye's song.. it would be how lonely.. all alone.. sigh.. its always hard to learn to cherish those around you.. cos u always don't think that tomorrow will be the last day.. to learn to cherish the living.. indeed.. that is the hardest lesson of life..

the funeral united the family more than new year did.. everyone had a share in the weeping and mourning.. everyone tried to be for there for each other.. i wish it wasn't a funeral.. for it would be great to have everyone united for a happy cause.. but after the funeral.. it was game over.. everyone went back to what they had been doing.. i bet grandma and grandad wished that everyone didn't have to grow up.. i think all parents do..

i hope grandpa rests in peace.. please do not blame me for not crying as much as the rest.. for i feel that the memory of you in my heart can never be weighed by the amount of tears that i cried. i know you're much happier now without any illnesses.. and i hope you have a happy afterlife. love you ah-gong.

__pondering* 10:13 PM :)