school starts tml! wad a spoiler! :(
woke up this morning with a strange thought.. suddenly remembered this friend who has been kind of.. 'belittling' my efforts to keep in touch.. feels like my efforts to care, to keep this person as a friend is being slighted and unappreciated.. i'm not saying giving in a friendship requires appreciation in return, but well, i truly believe that you shouldn't only talk to a person when u want something from him or her.. human relationships shouldn't be based upon motives or furtive aims..
yesterday i suddenly felt like i finally understood what the experts mean when they say teenage is a time when youngsters are trying to discover who they really are..
i remember when i was younger, i was always "collecting" 'nice' traits from everyone..how they laugh, how they interact with seniors, how they interact with other people, how they talk online, what they do in certain situations, the way they dress, many many other things... i was constantly changing my behaviour.. its like.. i'm trying to collect as many traits that i like and admire about other people as possible, and then try to incorporate them into myself..trying to tranform myself into someone i presume will be nicer,funnier,sweeter,more popular etc etc..
it was a period of much fluidity.. at times i felt so fake, because i was merely trying to act like someone else, i dinnoe who i really was..
but now.. i think most things have already been cast and set in mould.. when i spot traits that i like from others, i no longer try so hard to make them mine.. i admire them for who they are, and dun try to hard to be someone i am not.. its not that i no longer try to improve myself, of cos when i spot something that can make myself a better person i do try to change, but yeah, u just accept that people are different, and that you are you and there is not much point trying to be someone who is not 'you'.. so.. yeah somehow your personality has already been set.. you are surer of who you really are.. how you normally will react in certain situations, what you want for yourself.. the things you do are more reflective of your true personality..
well.. maybe it really is that we have kind of 'found' ourselves.. or maybe, we are just too tired and resistant to change? because we have gotten older and more jaded, we have stopped trying?
owells... i've been enjoying the 1 week break! :) its such a refreshing time! stoning at home, watching taiwan serials, sleep in till.. 1pm.. sleep late.. surf the net for hours with no aim.. bumming ard the corners, chatting with mum.. going out.. chill!!! time really passes in terms of 'posting'.. that's horrible.. haha.. had a nice cg outing on friday at manhatten fish market and then b&j!!
haha you can see everyone trying their best to tackle the tub of ice cream which was as solid as rock! i'm so gonna miss them.. miss our little talks and toilet trips.. miss the lunch time conversations, the before lunch conversations, the after lunch conversations.. ah.... we'll come together again soon!
ciaos for now!!
i love gary hayden's columns! btw, he writes for 'mind your body'... enjoyed his columns on happiness that time.. so it was a pleasant surprise to see him write a series on love! here goes!
long ago, said aristophanes, the human race was very different than it is today. each person was shaped like a ball- with 2 rounded backs, 4 arms, 4 legs, two sets of genitals and 2 heads. back then, humans were powerful and proud, so much so that they attempted to overthrow the gods. as punishment, zeus sliced each human in half, making the kind of individuals we see today.. so what we now experience as erotic love is really the desire to be reunited with our other halves, and made whole again.
when a person meets that very person who is his other half, he is overwhelmed.. with affection, concern and love. the two don't want to spend any time apart --- that is how true!
there are some things we may reasonably expect from a romantic partner: passion, excitement, companionship, and perhaps even marriage and children. but it is foolish to expect salvation.
our lives- private and public, domestic and professional- have value only in proportion to the love we invest in them and find in them. -- agreed!
well.. was just talking to bra.. if only love, and the process of pursuing love could be simple.. all these stupid rules of the love game, all the guessing and postulating and suppressing what you really feel.. granted, it might be thrilling, but it takes away the sanctity of love cos it reduces everything to just a game.. haha... all the best in this huge game people!
heys shera, here are the links for the bday photos! there are 2 albums:
all of us are always searching for something..
even when we already have what we were initially searching for, we'll still continue searching for something to supposedly make it better..
maybe its this process of searching, the uncertainty, the unknown, that makes life more thrilling?
remembered this conversation i had with shera on our last day of posting at ttsh.. we were talking about the ultimate meaning of life. and we both decided that if we had to make the horrible choice between having a great career and establishing meaningful relationships, we will choose "establishing meaningful relationships" hands down.. but then i was wondering.. what is the use of establishing meaningful relationships? i mean.. is there a greater purpose for all these? so what if we had established meaningful relationships in this life? does it affect anything else? afterall, everything cease to exist after we take our last breath.. we might have influenced someone else, but how many of us actually influence others in a way that has a significant impact on their lives? and i felt that almost all the things that people do actually have a selfish intent.. let's say, helping people.. like.. helping poor people and not charging them and not expecting anything in return? why do we do this? its because it makes US feel good about ourselves.. it feeds OUR ego.. it satisfies US.. yeah, so almost everything we do are "selfish" acts..
and if we were meant to come to "earth" in "this life" to learn, to live life.. what are we living this life for? what happens to all the things we've learnt after we're gone? what's the purpose of learning so many things now.. do we have somewhere to apply them when we're gone? is there a greater purpose to all the things we're doing now? not just for the "immediate" future (like in 50 years time..) but for a more distant future maybe? i dunno if im talking coherently, because this is such an abstract thought.. and i'm distracted watching chong qing sen lin in the other browser haha..
and yeps.. shera and i agreed that choosing medicine was "a choice of exclusion".. we did not know what other things we wanna study more than medicine, that's why we chose it.. hmm to me, there is a difference between this "choice made by exclusion", and the die die wanting to be a doctor sort haha.. oh yeah i remember why we started talking about this.. its cos a ho told us that if given the choice to start over again, he would not have chosen medicine.. so our answer was we would still have chosen medicine because we can't think of any other course we wanted to do haha..
haha i'm enjoying the break! spent the whole day watching shows like house and grey's on the net.. then later on there's tv.. gosh i think my myopia is getting worse haha..
jiayou my fellow meddies who are studying hard for medicine test! do take a breather, dun overwork!!
it pains me to know that relatives can be so stingy and mean to each other.. how is it that people can do all these horrible things to people who are living under the same roof as them? where have their conscience gone? why can't they be more magnanimous, just help out a bit when others are having a financial crisis? i think there is no need to be so jue2.. its scary to know that people like that exist, with such pure mean intentions..
and its also pains me to know that there are people who are struggling to make ends meet.. people who do not see a future in front of them.. people who wake up at 3 am to make soya bean milk to sell, then drive delivery trucks to deliver goods, then rush to clean a big office building for a miserable sum, then rush to pick her kids and cook for them, and then do part time at night.. and the whole cycle begins the next day..
most of us are living so comfortably.. although we can't be sure what will happen in 5 years' time, i'm sure most of us have a rough idea how our future might be like.. but there are some people who are living from mouth to mouth.. no savings, no courage to envision the future.. makes me think of our dear friends in the under developed countries.. while we are unhappily complaining about studying, they are scavenging for food, wondering when the next meal will be, battling with illnesses that shouldn't have been a problem in the first place.. i really wish i can go into their minds, find out what kind of attitude they have towards life.. wish i can find the passion with which they live life, their determination to carve out a tomorrow for themselves and their families, and their courage to face a future which holds many uncertainties.. wish i can wake up some day and get inspired by something..
thought my test would be today.. but it was all adrenaline for nothing.. my tester was too busy.. *shudders at the thought* so now its tomorrow....... in the end i din go home to study.. went to nydc with shera wenphei wanzhen yingxian and kenny and nice yingxian treated us to dessert and starters.. i really enjoyed their company!!! just glad i have the chance to come across people who are so nice and who make me feel so at ease.. and who open my eyes to many things around me.. being around good and nice people inspires you to become a better person yourself :)
haha alright my 9pm show is starting...
last day at ttsh tml..
will miss everyone.. especially *wink* hahahaha..
emotional roller coaster for me..
i can always be my vulnerable self in front of wen phei and shera.. and that's comforting because its very tough being strong all the time.. thanks for being here gurls..
shera and i were talking about fate yesterday..
so is there such a thing as fate?
if u dun think that fate exists, or if u think that u can change fate..
it is fate that you should think that way. maybe it is fate that u think u can change fate, that's why things turn out the way they do.. yeah, maybe that was all written in the stars.. who's to know?
and then, we were talking about medicine people today..
we came to a conclusion that medicine is such a serious profession, most people look so solemn.. so the moment u see a medical personnel who is bubbly and vibrant and gives u the feeling that he/she is fun to be with, you are immediately attracted to the person.. ya la, i guess that works for the both of us, and i guess wenphei too.. cos we are all crazy people haha..
was pangsayed by my cg mates today.. so i was the only one following ward rounds.. and somehow i was left alone with ccy while he was using radweb and he asked
"so what is your next posting?"
"er.. psych med i think"
"where is it?"
"i think mine's at NUH.."
"so how long is it?"
"err.. 8.. er.... i think its 4 weeks..."
"i though psych med is always 8 weeks?"
"errr i'm not too sure.. i haven't checked it out so im still blur.."
"why are you so blur?"
"errr.. cos i dun want to know too many things in advance haha"
"why? so u mean u dunno anything that is going to happen?"
"er.. i roughly know the time period.. so when the time is near then i check up the details.."
*ccy smiles a little* "so why? haha"
"escapism i guess? knowing too many things and knowing that many things are lined up ahead makes me very stressed so i rather not know too much and take things as they come.."
"so this escapism saves u from planning?"
"er it saves me from all the stress haha.."
*ccy looks at me bemused* *br blushes cos she just said a whole chunk of nonsense* *some MO comes and talks to ccy* *br heaves a heavy sigh of relief*
omg. that was a scary encounter. not cos it was really scary but cos it was the first time a consultant actually bothered to find out something personal about you.. it was nice but ya, i think i gave him a real bad impression cos i was stuttering all the time.. too nervous larhs. and yeah.. my escapism approach probably made him think im like an airhead haha. which is true, i feel like an airhead sometimes.. haha. ward rounds made me completely blur. i'm in a daze most of the time cos i dunno wads going on.. just totally switch off lo.. until ccy starts asking questions and then we cannot answer them haha.. i hope i improve soon.. quite demoralising sighs.
sigh.. sometimes i feel overwhelmed by all my flaws.. as the days go by, i find that i have so many so many flaws.. i mean, self-discovery is nice, but yeah, its not very exhilarating when all you find out are flaws about yourself.. its very demoralizing in fact.. all those thoughts of "oh my, why do i always do this? why do i always make the same kind of mistake? why do i always react this way in that kind of situation? why couldn't i have done some other thing? why can't i control myself? why am i like this?" etc etc.. i'm not hating myself dun get me wrong.. its just.. demoralizing that my flaws are so.. starkly obvious to me. and they just keep appearing and accumulating. and probably there are tonnes of other flaws that others have noticed but are too nice to tell me. sighs.
as i was walking down the NUS hill yesterday after the A&E visit for COFM project, i turned back, wanting to ask liwei sth.. and i found liwei and miriam deep in discussion for the cofm project with dr wong.. and suddenly this warm feeling emanated from my heart... it was this very nice feeling of "everyone is working hard for a common goal"..i think it sounds nicer in mandarin "da jia dou zai wei le yi ge gong tong de mu biao er nu li fen dou.." and i had this image of everyone busy slogging in their groups, and finally coming out with this brilliant presentation.. its this feeling of "collectivism" that makes the hard work all worth it..
i guess its the same when you look for a life partner.. its someone whom you "work" with side by side, striving for your common goals in life.. you need not be doing the same things, and you do not have to be physically together all the time, but in the end, the comfort and satisfaction stems from the common knowledge that both of you will be there supporting each other, lending a listening ear, giving a reassuring hug, when the going gets tough.. having someone in ur life serves as motivation for you to be a better person, makes you want to strive harder, because you know you are not alone on this journey, there is your special someone who is also striving hard, whom u need and who needs u too. you might be doing different things, but the spiritual support of that someone who shares your goal and who cares and understands just makes the experience different..
i have no idea why i am waxing lyrical about this when my test is tml.. haha.. i think psych posting is gonna be xiong.. got 2 writeups, got mcq test, got osce summore.. hais.! must really enjoy the 1 week break..!
i think i know why i am starting not to have so many aims and trying not to "want" so many things.. because wanting something and knowing that you cannot have it is very agonizing. very very agonizing. and wanting something and yet not being able to try your best to get it because it is not appropriate, is very very very agonizing too. so.. its best not to want anything. but that makes u a spineless person. aiyars.
time. i dunno if u shud hurry or slow down.
oh ya, horoscopes are not true. sigh shera!
lets hope all our wishes come true..
know that i've not been updating my blog often, so, sorry!
and.. i haven't uploaded the pics yet! so.. sorry again! i will upload them soon! :)
i've been enjoying surgery haha.. at first i thought it wouldn't be as fun as medicine cos everyone's busier and no one really bothers to talk to you or teach you.. but wells, nice things occur when you keep your mind open!
got to know friends better.. like shera, wen phei, melissa, yingxian.. i love talking to people who are sincere and true.. :)
i guess it's really hard to let go.. dear gurl.. be strong k.. i understand how u feel.. and yeap, the only 2 solutions left are.. let go, or pursue and be prepared to possibly get hurt.. and yeaps.. i guess wad u said is true, we like to put on strong fronts but actually inside we're quite mushed up haha.. i guess i haven't found someone who wouldn't be put off by my childishness haha..
time passes.. erms.. quite slowly? its only been 2 months plus, but it feels like its been years.. im getting used to it slowly but surely... wells...
sometimes i think i shouldn't keep saying stupid things.. things that are said for fun, to make things light-hearted, but which may make people who do not really know me think i actually subscribe to those values.. haha.. i'm actually not the way many people may make me out to be i think haha..
and yups.. i think i should be more patient.. being impatient and hence being proactive will only make things worse.. yeah.. time.. its my greatest enemy.. but i can't wait!!!! now now now!
i love my friends, and i wish you all well...! always here for all of u! :)