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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

when greener pastures could be a mirage

i'm scared. because i don't know what to do. and i seriously won't know how to handle it. emotional retard. that's what i am. hoards of complicated feelings tangled up in the midst of my neurones that i can never express tangibly. i don't even know what i want now. having doubts about things that used to be so clear, or actually, rather clear. i don't wanna decide on anything. don't wanna take any action. just want time to stand still.. not now, but perhaps somewhere in the distant past, or fast forward to anywhere more pleasant in the future. snippets of memories. reflections. seeing into the future.

the uncanny relationship between 2 atoms. please come closer. yes. closer. and all of a sudden. come too close and i'll push you away.

was telling huilin i wonder how working people get attached. working people are all so old, and perhaps most probably already taken. and i can't help but feel that things can get quite cold in raffles place. if you are lucky, really really lucky, you have a good unattached male colleague.. if not.. pray that you have good friends with eligible male friends to introduce to you. meeting people at clubs or pubs is totally unacceptable to me, cos in my narrow opinion, people who pick you up there are indecent. and absolutely superficial. but owells, exceptions can definitely be made. relationships have got to have time as a foundation. not a sudden outburst of infatuation or lust that can only sustain passion for the briefest of times. so how are you gonna find that kind of affection if you're immersed in work and your company doesn't have eligible guys for you to ri jiu shen qing with? yep.. so i came to a conclusion that the best time to get a boyfriend is when you are in uni. there's time for you to find out about each other, spend time together, discover life together.. its the period when things seem probable, not far away beyond your reach. jc's probably a little too young.. for changes brought about by society and the process of self discovery can prove too drastic. whereas in adult romances, people tend to rush into marriage at the slightest temptation without first discovering each other.. and when they finally do, its perhaps already too late. so.. pass the uni age and you find you're not attached, you're screwed. haha.. ok, that's warped logic i know. my vision's a little warped today, pardon me.

an image comes to my mind. a person walking along a street filled with signboards to guide the way, only that the person is blind.

__pondering* 11:19 PM :)

" hey how are you? still teaching. looks like now that you are in what you want, i am quite useless to you already."

"wow! so i'm a despicable person who makes use of ppl? wadever."

really. whatever. talk about a lack of eq. and a lack of girlfriend. no one can help.

__pondering* 3:48 PM :)

Miss Canada won Miss Universe! oh gosh. check out the prizes. i didn't know that they can win so many things. nearly choked on my sweet potato when they introduced the prizes. scary. diamond crown, one year supply of hair products, covergirl makeup, personalized wardrobe, revamped shoe wardrobe, jewellery and the list goes on non stop.. but why am i so not envious of that? i wonder..*guffaws* what's the point of all these prizes man? i don't give a hoot about all those gorgeous gowns and make up and so on.. being in the limelight all the time is tiring. i can just imagine "miss universe shocks universe without make-up" splashed across the headlines. i can't imagine how difficult life would be having to be prim and proper, politically correct, goody goody nice nice, beautiful, ethical, cheery all smiles, slim, elegant, poised, graceful, gentle (blah blah) simultaneously all the time..

to me, its as though miss universe is this new facade you have to embrace.. and a new mask you have to dorn that will strip you of your freedom of expression and your unique identity. ok. perhaps i'm being too biased. but i'm just against, very very against a life in constant limelight. sure, everyone have fleeting moments when they wish they can be a superstar.. but with my freedom and privacy as trade-offs, i'd rather stick to being myself. i dun wanna be under constant stress.. having to maintain your beauty all the time.. and then suffer tremendous humiliation when 20 years down the road, the media captures your flabs and proclaims it to the universe.

what do miss universes do besides posing and strutting their beautiful bodies around? ok.. humanitarian work.. but i've never heard of anything.. any difference that they have made.. can't help but feel that the humanitarian aspect of this whole miss universe competition is just an excuse to justify the existence of a competition that makes so many girls around the world dream and then get inferior (muahah). "we should have a miss universe to promote humanitarian causes". i think that's crap. anyone can do that, seriously, if they really want to. people won't listen to you just because you are miss universe.

ok, why am i being so mean.. i'm happy for miss canada. very cool. its an outlet for man and woman alike to admire and appreciate the beauty of god's creations (cliched as it sounds).. an outlet for man to fantasize and for girls to day dream and work towards, with lots of plastic surgery and botox and liposuction..

oh wells, i guess different people have different priorities in life. perhaps if i'm a little more beautiful and curvy, being crowned miss universe would be my lifelong priority. =P just a sad case of sour grapes ya? muahaha..

but anyways, i have no idea what i have been doing these few days.. time passes by in a whirl. fitful sleeping with weird dreams of me being chased by vamps and of me leading a war and winning in cos i got hold of their commander..(haha!!) restless days with overactive minds.. thinking about thinking.. wanting to go on holiday like all my lucky friends.. hide me in a jumbo box please.. aiya.. no point thinking about something that won't come true. wishing for the weeks to pass, and yet not wishing for school term to start soon and engulf my freedom and laziness. wanting to do something exciting and fun and drastic and spontaneous, something that would perhaps change my life forever.. in a good way of course. thinking and rethinking about things.. weighing the pros and cons.. trying to convince myself that what will be will be eventually, i just have to be patient and have trust in.. fate perhaps? trying to peel off the beautiful masks that i have painted onto some of my decisions and dreams and see things in their naked totality. in other words, just lazing around and not doing anything too constructive. bah.

anyways.. nice chapter from a book. here goes:

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread.

Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already, your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees to shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much. And so with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear.

Quicky, you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you've defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you.

The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you."

I love the last paragraph.


__pondering* 11:11 AM :)

Friday, May 27, 2005

" The reason death sticks so closely to life isn't biological necessity-- it's envy. Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it, a jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can. But life leaps over oblivion lightly, losing only a thing or two of no importance, and gloom is but the passing shadow of a cloud."

" I have nothing to say of my working life, only that a tie is a noose, and inverted though it is, it will hang a man nonetheless if he's not careful."

my little rg squash girl will be back from some US state tonight from competition.. odyssey of the mind.. so pro right? so i dunno if there's squash training tomorrow. and my little china boy will be going to china.. so no tuition for 2 weeks after tomorrow.. w0w.. its amazing how holidays don't seem to have such a big impact on my life anymore. but soon it will.

nothing much to say.. just that time passes so fast its scary. its gonna be school term soon. its so scary. i shudder thinking of 5 years of non stop mugging.. chim chim terms.. and then you are just thrown into this deep pool called society and you have to fight your own way up and out. you are left to fend for yourself. no more parents to protect you and guide you and make decisions for you. you have to make the decisions on your own. decisions that are significant enough they can turn your life 180 degrees over.

and then, there's coming to terms with the new identity called 'adult'. and the many worries and responsibilities. i suddenly see things becoming a whirl. everything is nothing. and nothing is everything.

i wonder how atheists find comfort in this world where sometimes, you just have to leave things and entrust them with a spiritual supremity, cos if not, the uncertainties and worries will simply suffocate the burdened heart.

and i wonder how agnostics can feel safe trusting this Higher Being with their future and life when they are not even certain that this Being exists.

come what may. in the end, everything will work out fine. what goes around comes around. and eventually, everything will amount to nothingness.

__pondering* 11:25 PM :)

Thursday, May 26, 2005

All About You
It's all about you (it's all about you)
It's all about you baby
It's all about you (it's all about you)
It's all about you

Verse 1:
Yesterday you asked me something I thought you knew
So I told you with a smile, it's all about you
Then you whispered in my ear and told me too
That you made my life worthwhile, it's all about you
And I would answer all your wishes
If you ask me to
But if you deny me one of your kisses
Don't know what I'd do
So hold me close and say three words like you used to do
Dancing on the kitchen tiles, it's all about you, yeah!

(Guitar solo)

Chorus 2:
And I would answer all of your wishes
If you ask me to
But if you deny me one of your kisses
Don't know what I'd do
So hold me close and say three words like you used to do
Dancing on the kitchen tiles
Yes you make my life worthwhile
So I told you with a smile
It's all about you

It's all about you (it's all about you)
It's all about you baby
It's all about you (it's all about you)
It's all about you babyIt's all about you (it's all about you)
It's all about you baby

__pondering* 11:55 PM :)

watching the repeat telecast of american idol 4.. ulu as it may sound, i have to confess that its my first episode of american idol.. i have never ever watched any episode of any series.. carrie sounded a little forced.. bo sings so easily.. i wish i can sing like them.. it'd be so great to be able to charm ppl with your voice.. *wish wish* haha.. all i can say is.. KENNY G rocks!! when he played "i believe i can fly".. my heart just melted lo.. what a soothing and romantic sound..

tomorrow's "eat with your family" day.. haha.. very funny.. i was thinking, its quite contradicting isn't it? those who implement it will mostly be government bodies.. private companies are too caught up with profits.. but.. gov bodies already have 5 day work weeks.. those in need of family bonding time *should* be those working in private companies right? haha so in the end it doesn't really help does it? ok my logic sounds a little warped.. but its the first thing that came to my mind.. :)

i wish i could post pictures from my hp.. took pics with kaining and eng (the computer technician in rulang).. eng's pictures are seriously funny.. he smiles with his eyes squeezed shut. super hilarious.. +) the driving simulator is really funny.. the other trainee had 4 accidents in total! and i had one near accident! all the 3 of us were laughing non stop cos we were screaming when we were about to get into accidents.. haha.. imagine screaming in the simulator room.. just funny..

i wanna watch movies! oh man.. who will watch with me? everyone seems to have caught star wars and some other nice shows like amityville horror or monster-in-law.. i want to watch too! desperately!!!

i realised that the image i portray to others does not really reflect who i really am.. like in rulang.. i realise that i say things i do not really mean.. as in.. not being a hypocrite.. but like.. playing up on issues that are not really that significant to me, and thus making myself out to be a different type of person.. makes ppl think im a pai kia, very havoc and stuff when i actually am not.. but well i can't help it.. i guess i was born to be a small "clown".. i say or do things that will perhaps "harm" my "image" just to liven the atmosphere or make ppl laugh.. and so far, i have not cared much about what ppl think about me from all the crap that i have said.. but today, something suddenly hit me. i realised that ppl who do not really know me that personally will probably see me in a not so positive light that is definitely not me.. but owells.. what can i do.. that clown side of me is still me right?

i wonder how it feels to win american idol. or.. any renowned competition.. i can feel all the hard work they put in.. and it makes me choke to imagine the overwhelming emotion they feel.

well.. jess.. if ppl tag stuff that are useful for ur self improvement, then heed their advice, if not, then dun care about the slammers. its the most important to be who you are..

bx.. im very glad that you have found a nice da jie jie.. :) so heartwarming..

__pondering* 10:27 PM :)

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

hey gals.. so disappointed to hear that you guys didn't go to johore in the end.. such a waste.. it would have been such a great triple date..but perhaps a good idea to forgo it too.. considering the horrible inevitable jam:)

monday was kinda good.. out with OG mates qt lindy and daniel.. wasted the morning stoning at home, but ya.. afternoon was tennis at southhaven, thanks for arranging daniel, and for the rackets too :) that was followed by dinner at NYDC at wheelock.. haha.. dishes 90, 92,93,94.. i have good memory! and that was accompanied by very funny and insightful conversation.. i just feel so happy to have such "soulful" conversations with people.. it feels good to.. understand all the little insinuations and hidden meanings behind the words.. and to be more sensitive because you know a little bit more.. seriously, i've missed out too much in the past man.. we were waiting for levina to join us, but its a pity she couldn't cos she had a bball gathering.. lev's so feminine now.. wonder how she is :)

everytime i think about how different everyone is, i just feel so amazed.. amazed by the different personalities moulded by genetics, family, friends, environment etc. the different priorities people have, their reaction to things, their opinions, their behaviour.. its amazing how external and internal factors can produce such diverse permutations and combinations of characters.. well.. seems like my circumstances have made me a person who thrives on human contact. whenever someone tags me, smses me, mails me, emails me, calls me, asks me out.. or anything to that extent, i feel over the moon.. on the contrary, i feel so down and worthless when there's none of these.. there was this article in cleo that talked about how some women just cannot leave their handphone.. or rather can't stop sms-ing.. i guess i fall into that category.. smsing is my way of staying connected.. my way of being happy (if ppl sms that is).. yep.. that's when the "dif ppl have dif priorities and dif opinions" part comes in.. some ppl dun see the point of smsing.. i seriously wonder how some ppl can survive on 300 smses a month.. i will die.. haha.. but ya.. i guess some ppl just dun thrive on that aspect of human contact as much as i do.. to each his own. :)

expectations. can god rid the world of that?

"I Want You To Need Me"
Celine Dion
I want to be the face you see when you close your eyes
I want to be the touch you need every single night
I want to be your fantasy
And be your reality
And everything between
I want you to need me
Like the air you breathe
I want you to feel me
In everything
I want you to see me
In your every dream
The way that I taste you feel you breathe you need you
I want you to need me
Like I need you
I want to be the eyes that look deep into your soul
I want to be the world to you
I just want it all
I want to be your deepest kiss
The answer to your every wish
I'm all you ever need
More than you could know
And I need you
To never never let me go
And I need to be deep inside your heart
I just want to be everywhere you are....
I want to be the face you see when you close your eyes
I want to be the touch you need every single night
I want to be your fantasy
And be your reality
And everything between

__pondering* 10:45 PM :)

Sunday, May 22, 2005

why do things always happen on vesak day?
vesak day = a day of mixed memories
is this what i really want?

__pondering* 9:41 PM :)

heh ok.. i just came across a funny post from a random blog:

Well, in the same vein, I propose several ideas for i-products in the future. The first one would be iSuck, the personal hand held desk vacuum cleaner. It has a built in 128 mb mini ipod on the handle, so that you can vacuum clean your desk while listening to some tunes instead of the loud noise of the vacuum cleaner. The big brother of it would be the iSuck-big time, which is for residential and commercial usage.The second idea would be iBlow, a modified attachment to an iPod on a hot summer day. Basically it attaches to your iPod and you can hook it by your baseball cap or t-shirt and gives you personal air flow regulator while everyone else in the bus are dying because of the heat. I'll come up with better designs with later posts because I'm really sleepy at the moment.And what about iSee, the new mac webcam? Well, that's another story.

__pondering* 2:18 PM :)

hey bx.. i still have a headache from last night.. its very weird.. the moment i got into that cab, the headache just comes on.. =( but i thoroughly enjoyed last night.. met up with hp for 45 mins.. then hung ard heeren with yh siva and yazid for 30 mins.. and then spent the whole night with my dearest bao.. bao bao meeting at tcc.. which is often interrupted by squeals and moments of heart-melting glances because the waiter there is so so so so so so so SO SO cute! *drool* bx is gonna kill me again.. but ya.. this is the first waiter whom i think is worthy of being eye candy material lo! besides tay ping hui and ya.. bx knows who.. *grin*

heh.. and dear bx found yzid quite cute right!! unconsciously! cos during the start of our "outing", the conversation kept turning back to "yazid".. heeheehee... :)

yep.. just wanna proclaim my love for bx.. haha!
and my disgust for my ugly haircut..
and the weird metrosexual guy with trimmed eyebrows and red cap who freaked me out thoroughly.. i shudder just to think of how he.. aiyo!! eewwee!

vesak day vesak day.. brings back past memories.. *steals a glance at bx and grins* sometimes, some things just affect you so much that you can never forget them.. even though u know that it probably means nothing to the other people involved..

i'm in a weird elated mood today.. no PMS for the time being! yay! just spoke with fu lao shi.. she is such a sweet caring funny lady.. i love her to bits.. updated her about ppl i know.. chit chatted about many things.. about how i found relief teaching.. how the kids nowadays are getting atrocious, and how irritating and lazy and irresponsible parents are nowadays.. on uni choice.. on how sometimes you have to face up to reality even though its harsh and totally unlike what you expect, u just have to go with the flow and take whatever comes along your way.. on how we shouldn't have pre marital sex (haha!!) cos finding boyfriend is just like shopping, cannot enter shopping centre then immediately buy stuff cos later on you find that the stuff you find later are better and cheaper! we burst out laughing at this point cos we were amused by connecting boys with "cheap goods".. haha.. its just so great so talk to her and get advice and understand life from a different perspective.. i love madam fu!!!

in short, baorong's feeling quite happy today! hopefully tml's msia outing will still be on.. i wanna get away!!!

ps: guys! accountant bao is a superb writer lo! *wink*

__pondering* 1:55 PM :)

Thursday, May 19, 2005

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

i m attracted to unbridled ppl.. ok.. i feel alive when my guy is creative.. definitely very true! forced to break up with an emotional guy.. never tried.. ideal rel is an open one.. very true.. risk of cheating is zero, i care about morality and society.. do i? haha.. i m afraid of marriage? not that age yet.. so i dunno.. we shall see about that.. haha..

Your #1 Match: ENFJ

The Giver
You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed.Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections.Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down.You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine.
You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

Your #2 Match: ENFP

The Inspirer
You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller!
You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

Your #3 Match: INFJ

The Protector
You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience.You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them.
You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

Your #4 Match: INFP

The Idealist
You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.
You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

Your #5 Match: ESFJ

The Caregiver
You are sympathetic and caring, putting friends and family first.A creature of habit, you prefer routines and have trouble with change.You love being in groups - whether you're helping people or working on a project.You are good at listening, laughing, and bringing out the best in people.
You would make a great nurse, social worker, or teacher.

i only agree with the first one.. but not so totally too.. haha..

Your Love Style is Storge

For you, love and friendship are almost the same thing
And your love tends to be the enduring, long lasting kind
(You've been known to still have connections with exes)
But sometimes your love is not the most passionate
Leap before you look, and you'll find that fire you crave

this is weird..

You Are a Dreaming Soul
Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you awy from this worldSo much so that you tend to live in your head most of the timeYou have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult
You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.
Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

i dunno if this is true or not..

well well.. i've been wanting to blog in school but not able to.. know wad? i got my first complain letter.. *grin* but the vp says its no big deal.. cos all the teachers who taught that boy before had gotten complained by that mother.. haha.. just very amusing to know that i'm being complained.. big achievement.. ;P

i kinda enjoy my routine now.. wake up, go for driving lesson, come home, eat, then go to school to relief, then come home and immerse myself in channel 8 dramas.. (btw, the new 9'clock show is so funny! all the funny taxes and what not.. pr in hades, protection taxes, dream taxes.. got me rolling on the floor there) not having so much free time gets ur mind off boredom.. but sometimes it gets to you too..

teaching (the act directly, or indirectly) has made me realise some things.. things i find too controversial to write here.. but ya.. one thing i've realised.. i mostly enjoy talking to people who understand what i am talking about.. i dun like babytalking to kids who after half day, still have no idea what you are talking about.. and im a lightning teacher.. my mood changes so fast.. one moment im explaining sth nicely to the class, then next second sees me transformed into a monster screaming her head off at those recalcitrant kids.. and, lightning also because i seem to teach at lightning pace.. i just go thru the coursebook.. explain the pages.. its all the really simple simple basic stuff like how to add or subtract things.. and then when i check with the workbook, i realise that the kids have to do 20 pages in order to cover what i went through in class.. i seriously dun think i went too fast.. they know their addition and subtraction man! =)

but ya.. i hate (ok, hate is too intense a word to use) those trouble makers.. monstrous me brings a roll of scotchtape to class and threatens to tape up the mouths of ppl who talk.. and i make them stand on their chairs and pull their ears for very long periods.. (am i feeling proud for my bad treatment?).. but still to no avail.. these kids simply have no respect.. last time we kids would be scared whenever the teacher screamed.. when the teacher scolds us, we feel so bad and guilty for the rest of the day we dun dare to misbehave.. nowadays kids heck care about you.. simply lack of respect.. they talk back, think of stupid ways to misbehave while escaping your detection.. i have to hand it to them man..

ok.. enough of complaints.. congrats jess!! jess passed her driving test! congrats!! so happy for ya! =) not bad ah.. first to get bf.. then first to go overseas with bf, then first to get driving license, then first to get married (ok i added this bit myself..)

i hope the nus med results will be out soon.....

__pondering* 11:01 PM :)

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

hi peeps. i am very very sorry for that outburst during the previous entry. and perhaps on jess' tag. dui bu qi.. really sorry.. and really thanks for all the tags.. warmed my heart..

its part of pms no doubt. but ya, baorong has retarded reaction. she is a weird personality. when things are not bright and cheery, she goes thru it smiling, roughing it out smoothly, or so it seems. but sometimes, once in a pink moon, those engulfed feelings surface. she thinks. she reflects. she thinks of what all those words, gestures, actions, whatever, mean. and then she thinks of how she could have done better, and then sighs. she thinks of all things past, and she gets frustrated. she starts to analyze things for once and then get disappointed by the results. oh whatever, am i exaggerating? summary: un-happyfying thing happens. dun feel unhappy. pretend to not be bothered. swallow feelings. swallow too much. cannot digest. reverse peristalsis. all come to the surface. no choice have to look at them. unsightly things to look at. think. feel not happy. yep.

but its true. sometimes i feel transparent. i wish i can see myself from the viewpoint of others. see what they think of me. that'd be great.

i dunno. perhaps this might be a result of inward directed agression. cos of those kids.
or perhaps the result of so many things lah. i dunno what things also lah. i shall try to sound happier on my next entry. seems like its at night that all these yucky stuff surface.

__pondering* 10:35 PM :)

Monday, May 16, 2005

it's getting there..
that time..

i don't feel loved. i am transparent, arn't i?
no one cares
DON'T ever say u do, cos you DON'T.

don't care about me.

__pondering* 10:28 PM :)

Sunday, May 15, 2005

i have no idea whether i did a stupid thing today..
it seems really stupid now that i think of it..
but.. what's done is done..
let this be a dream. please.
i hate to think of it.
and of the murderous silence now.
what have i done?
do i really want it?
what will happen after this?
what is going to come?
will things turn out fine?
or are they going to change drastically?
oh shit.
this is crazy.
i am going crazy.
what have i done.
the unsettledness and uncertainty is killing me..
is this what i really want??
will it solve anything,
or will it just make things worse?
what have i done..

__pondering* 10:27 PM :)

Saturday, May 14, 2005

been reliefing in rulang.. screaming at kids who don't listen to you.. watching brother bear, peter pan and the incredibles with them and having to entertain their many "ms tan can i go toilet", then followed by the guys putting their hands obscenely at their privates and saying "i very urgent", and a few seconds later, hear elephant steps and feel the ground shake. i will train my boy next time not to touch his ahem when he needs to go to the toilet urgently.. blearghx.

anyway, dance night last night was FANtastic!!! all the dances were so brilliant! looking at them, i wish i am both an athlete and a artiste.. like mingjing (piano) and pam (dance).. someday, i wish to be able to perform on stage.. dance, sing, act, whatever.. will that wish ever come true? sigh.. there was this overwhelming sense of envity.. i wish i could move my body in those sensual elegant ways, firing people's imagination and anticipation.. the ballets, hiphop, chinese, modern dances, abstract dances.. they were so great! i wish i could dance!!!!! but the latin dance was the best! oh my god.. heidi is SO SO hot i tell you! i look at her dance, i get so so high.. the energy and grace emcompassed in the hot twists and turns.. its just so so sexy! i just kept gushing to choryen and pam, "heidi is SO HOT!!! so sexy!!!".. haha.. i wonder if i am a guy or a girl sometimes.. i guess.. why i am so full of admiration is because deep down, there's this wish that i can dance like her someday.. when that "someday" will come, i have no idea.. perhaps in my next life? ok.. to conclude the paragraph on dance night, i only have one thing to say, heidi's latin dance was SUPER sexy and hot. *sizzlezzzzz*

looking back at this whole break, i find that i have accomplished nothing.. looking back at my whole life, i feel that i have not accomplished anything either.. what is the meaning of "accomplishing something"? sometimes, i wonder what's the point of learning when in the end, your knowledge dies with you, buried in the grave or cremated.. or worse, being gnawed away by alzheimer's.. wouldn't it be great to live this life carefree, not worry about anything, do anything and everything you want. and i wonder why is there life in the first place.. why do man exist? what is the purpose of life's existence? why is there earth? why is there the universe? have you thought about it? why? i don't know why! so man exist to kill animals? i mean, what's the use? i wonder why i exist.. this is a very complicated feeling.. i do not know how to put that down in words.. it's just weird.. what purpose do we serve by existing? this is not just the simple question of what is the meaning of my life.. but.. the meaning of life as applied to the whole of living kind.. why are we here???

reader's digest says.. live the moment. i totally agree.. but i do not know how to.. my soul is restless.. wanting to do something that has not come to my mind yet. how to live the moment? we always read stories urging us to "do what you have to do now, say what you really mean now, for you never know if tomorrow will actually come".. yes, right after reading those touching stories, there's this overwhelming swell of emotions, but how many actually act on these emotions? there are too many restraints in reality.. transparent cages restricting your actions.. man cannot do or say whatever he wants because he might hurt someone in the process. its disgusting sometimes how all of us are so intricately linked.

i want change. i need change. i don't know how to change. too much intertia. too little company. too many uncertainties.

__pondering* 11:01 AM :)

Monday, May 09, 2005

med interview was.. hmmm what can i say..
i had a great time talking to liwei while waiting for interview.. apparently they interviewed someone for so long that they had to push back the schedule for.. err.. half an hour? either that person is so pro, or they had to ask him so many questions to save him.. ok, i will think it is the former..
i mean, i have never felt so stupid in an interview before.. wah.. the questions were tough.. they didn't even give me a chance to warm up, they just bombarded difficult questions the moment they open their mouths.. i was so totally shocked.. haven't been interviewed for too long i suppose.. =( just kept erming and answering things without any proper structure.. blabbed whatever came to my mind, and that accounts for the many stupid things i said.. and the even stupider things i said in order to salvage myself from the supid things i said previously.. oh man.. i was cursing my stupidity as i rambled to edward what happened.. i was so agitated i think the cab almost exploded with the magnitude of my voice and disgust for myself. haha.. i dun even dare to recall what had happened.. when snippets of the interviews came back, i had to consciously push them out of my mind.. bah. i mean, its over man! i dun wanna fret over my stupid answers! hopefully they will let me in on account of my *funny sense of humour* (term coined by dear edward).. which i shall aptly rename as stupid sense of humour.. but one thing.. the guy from my second panel of interviewers is cute! why didn't i remember his name! *jk* im just going out of my mind..
i just hate interviews late in the afternoon.. 530, delayed to 6.. and by that time, i had only 10% of my energy left.. fret over the interview the previous night and the whole morning and afternoon.. read and worry and read and worry.. i just couldn't focus on anything at all.. just kept going "pardon" because i couldn't register their question.. was too tired to be alert and witty.. but what is over is over.. yes.. everything will be fine.. hopefully they will let the girl who reads thrashy novels into medicine and add some fun into the faculty.. blearghx.

__pondering* 10:28 PM :)

Sunday, May 08, 2005

gosh, i can't believe that i actually spent like.. one whole afternoon reading wendy cheng's blog.. xiaxue.blogspot.com.. blame it on zaobao.. they had article on her.. for those who do not know, she is singapore's most famous blogger.. the gal who has won awards like best asian's blogger and perhaps half of sg's youngsters had been to her blog before.. yes, her blog is indeed refreshing.. totally new for a change.. very daring, vulgar, opinionated, self-centred, truthful, open.. hmmm you will have to visit it to get what i mean.. i enjoyed reading some of her entries.. it's good to understand issues others are concerned about right? and just to.. pass time.. haha.. so, when you are bored, just go to the blog and have a look.. she has fantastic imagination and creativity.. haha.. the stories she comes out with, oh my god, i just rofl.. haha.. ;)

yest was a nice nite.. brothers' outing with qiantai, daniel and edward.. caught kingdom of heaven from a rather weird perspective.. the characters look kinda distorted.. and yesh, poor me and daniel were baffled most of the time, so had to trouble qt to explain to us what's happening.. haha.. finally found sb who, like me, find it hard to understand movies sometimes (for me its most of the time unfortunately).. but ya, it was a great nite of gossiping and digging.. loitering around town, camping at dif parts of lido trying to get seats, setting off to sprint to the newly vacated table only to be defeated by aunties who seemed to have been teleported from some other world.. haha.. i just love my og once again.. latheya forever.. =) yay!

meanwhile, missing my girlfriends.. we shud have a sisters' outing soon man.. i miss everyone.. hopefully jamie has nursed herself back to health.. and everyone will stop working soon (for goodness sake!! stop slogging now when you have 50 years down the road to work your hearts out!!!!!!!!!) i hate being the only one slacking! cos there's no one to go out with!!!! bah! and then weekends are taken up by ur boyfriends!! pbbt. i sound like i'm single.. haha..

darn haven't prepared for nus interview.. freaking out liao.. i heard they ask guai lan questions.. i will freak lo.. and with my scary husky cough.. i think i'm more fitted to be a patient than doctor.. haha.. =P

__pondering* 8:38 PM :)

Friday, May 06, 2005

suddenly, i wish for time to pass faster. i want to pass this stage of bumming around and get on with real stuff, stuff that will contribute to the rest of my life. perhaps i will regret this, for bumming around is something many people wish to do but can never get the time to do.. actually i'd rather have intermitten bumming periods scheduled in between busy periods, and not just piled up all at once. that rings a bell with what sigmund freud wrote:

Human beings strive for happiness, they want to become happy and remain so. This striving has two goals, one negative, and one positive: on the one hand it aims at an absence of pain and unpleasurable experiences, on the other at strong feelings of pleasure. "Happiness", in the strict sense of the word, relates only to the latter. In conformity with the dichotomy in its aims, human activity develops in two directions, according to whether it seeks to realise-mainly or even exclusively- the one or the other of these aims.

What we call happiness, in the strictest sense of the word, arises from the fairly sudden satisfaction of pent-up needs. By its very nature, it can be no more than an episodic phenomenon. Any prolongation of a situation desired by the pleasure principle produces only a feeling of lukewarm comfort; we are so constituted that we can gain intense pleasure only from the contrast, and only very little from the condition itself.

Unhappiness is much less difficult to experience. It is no wonder that, under the pressure of these possibilities of suffering, people are used to tempering their claims to happiness, just as the pleasure principle itself has been transformed, under the influence of the external world, into the more modest "reality principle"; that one counts oneself lucky to have escaped unhappiness and survived suffering; and that in general the task of avoiding suffering pushes that of obtaining pleasure into the background.

What a beautiful insight. Any prolongation of a situation desired by the pleasure principle produces only a feeling of lukewarm comfort. Yes, isn't that happening to me now?

Man.. the creature who is never content. The creature whose dicontentment with the present leads to progress, and ironically, to his downfall too.

So, is happiness "feelings of pleasure" or merely "avoiding negative emotions"? I would like to think that the former is more of happiness, while the latter is what we call contentment. Already, it is so hard to be content, how difficult will the journey be towards happiness? Frued is indeed one genius who is in touch with naked human emotions, emotions that are raw and not masked by our pride or vanity. Psychology is a hard subject to tackle, for humans are superb creatures who are expertly skillful at covering up and making up how we feel, such that we do not know how we really feel sometimes.

Sigh, its saturday tomorrow. Time passes so agonizingly slowly. Either knock some sense into me, or knock some meaning into my life. You get hurt emotionally when you bum around too much.

__pondering* 10:32 PM :)

Thursday, May 05, 2005

i love driving! can't wait to drive again! =)
today's lesson was maluating at first.. i was in the car learning how to start, move, then stop.. there was this bunch of instructors chatting somewhere near my car.. yep.. and then we started reversing.. then my instructor told me to stop, and i got so flustered i stepped on the accelerator instead.. so.. "CRASH" the car went up the kerb with a loud bang.. i was so so maluated.. all the instructors turned to look at me and started laughing.. my instructor too.. and of cos, i had to laugh at my foolish blunder.. haha.. it was really hilarious.. but driving in circles in the school was fun.. except those stupid auto cars kept stopping.. so i had to keep braking and stopping..

5's the number today.. its 050505, and the mileage i clocked was 55555~ must buy 4D liao.. *grin* i wanna be a bartender!!!! *whine* and i need more things to keep me occupied!! and.. i wanna get healthy soon!

__pondering* 4:37 PM :)

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

baorong is sick.. its always in moments of sickness that you learn to cherish your health.. and once your health is restored, you take it for granted.. that is real bad.. so.. is being sick a way god reminds you to not take your health for granted? or is it a way to atone for any sins you had committed since the last time you fell sick? or am i just reading too much into being sick? sorry, the fever's killing my brain cells..

today's my first driving lesson.. it is so so scary i just screamed when i felt the car move under my feet.. sitting in a moving car is one thing, and moving a car is another.. i am so afraid i will crash even though all i was doing was to start and stop the car.. i try to reach for the brake pedal and stepped on the clutch instead.. i used my left leg to brake.. oh man.. its really a test of psychomotor, which i obviously dun have.. i was just so freaked.. hopefully tml will be better.. driving is fun but scary.. god bless..

__pondering* 10:48 PM :)

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

oh gosh.. i just watched 50 first dates.. its so so so so so sweet.. gushing non stop now.. so so so so sweeeeet!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!! adam sandler is so sweet!! so romantic.. it's really hard to maintain that kind of relationship, and i wonder if it really does happen in real life..

goldfield (or how u spell it) syndrome.. sounds uncannily similar with goldfish syndrome (we noe they only have memory of a few seconds).. wonder how life will be for a person with a damaged temporal lobe.. you just forget things.. and life goes in circles everyday.. u wake up doing the same thing, while the people around you watch on, pained. losing your memory is not good, esp for those around you.. aaahhhh but it's sooosssssooooooooo sweeeeeeet!!!!!!!!!!!! sweeeeetttt!!!

__pondering* 2:14 PM :)

these 2, or rather, 3 days had been a blast.. i'm now suffering from a hangover from all the company, laughs, fun, conversation, catching up, hype and activity.. you wake up, missing everyone and wishing you could turn back time to when it all began..

class outing on sunday was a blast.. watched half of runaway bride while feasting myself on all the peanuts, and thanks to that, i've got a real terrible sorethroat (and to make it worse, i ate all the junk chips yest too! ;( ) i mean, the class is united, yet split.. there are inevitably those small cliques.. but i guess it's best for people to feel that they belong in some group in class, and then the groups stick together, knowing that they all have a position in class.. and tada, there's the class spirit.. 18 ppl turned up, out of 26.. so it's really great.. most of the time, bena and i were as-ing in the computer room, chatting idly about lotsa stuff.. i guess i still feel the most comfortable in small company.. in large groups, i tend to feel lost, dunno where to belong.. yep.. i'm just not that social, not a conversation popper.. in the company of a small group of good friends, you know what to talk about, silences are not awkward, you talk about stuff that are more personal because you feel more comfortable to share.. things are not so boringly superficial.. not that i'm saying class outing was superficial! it was great! the food, the conversations.. haha..celebrated the birthdays of the april babies.. it was great to see everyone again :)

og outing was really superb.. the regulars were down.. daniel, qiantai, edward, cheryl, shuwan, yiuming,lindy, me (with the absence of junming, edwin and leslie).. some played tennis while the rest played mahjong.. it's just great to bask in the sun with your friends, playing something you enjoy.. after that we watched a bit of fifty first dates while the mahjong ppl finished their rounds, followed by 4 pizzas from canadian pizza.. and lotsa hilarious chit-chat.. trading card machines for homosexuals, shuwan's crush chris (i vividly remember how excited shuwan got when she described how he wanted her signature!!! haha!), how to get opportunities to talk to guys u crush (all the coffee pouring tactics accompanied by animated illustration from edward :) and then we celebrated cheryl's and daniel's bday~ heh.. i hope they both love their presents! esp daniel! haha! he got 2 jock straps and a reddish brown checkered boxers, wrapped in layers and layers of newspapers.. and then the peach tart i baked with the inextinguishable candles that made the room so very smoky.. i relished every single moment of OG outing.. it's amazing that an OG can last so long.. the most important thing is that everyone there wants to remain together.. i love my OG.. love them to bits.. thanks daniel for sending me home, and for that really great sharing session we had.. it's a pity time was limiting.. thanks qiantai for lending me the fifty first dates vcd..

all in all, i love my class, and i love my OG.. now its back to idling.. wishing rulang will call me, but i somehow know they won't.. haha..

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the birthday babies- eric, hon, shu-lin and xuxu

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everyone happily singing! :)

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*evil grin* the inextinguishable candles were really stubborn!

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great turn out of 18!!

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picture with xuxu, who'll be flying back to china soon.. :(

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the tan sistas!!! (weili included)

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long overdue girls' outing photo..

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the 2 og birthday peeps

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they look so compatible! heehee..

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all of us!! happily posing for my camera for the 100th time 'cos i forgot mine was still in video mode.. and so the video caught all of us posing and fiddling with our hair.. *grin*

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cheryl with her pink socks and earrings!!

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last but not least, dear daniel with his light blue and dark blue jock straps which he says he will frame up!

__pondering* 11:25 AM :)

Sunday, May 01, 2005

i just baked a cake for our class gathering.. very happy.. orange yoghurt cake.. smells very nice.. hope it tastes like it smells.. heh.. i hope i will have the opportunity to bake a cake for all my good friends' birthdays! how memorable will that be? *beams*

very happy to be able to see the class again.. i miss school so much.. sitting inside that smelly cold ts.. waiting for teachers to come in.. shooting videos..passing food ard to eat.. aaahhh.. memories just keep flooding.. :)

just finished this funny book "on the road to mr right".. its really hilarious.. makes me laugh and laugh.. but somehow.. i dun find the guys the authors says are suave handsome.. i guess asian and british standards really dffer a lot..mmm.. wonder which asian they will consider shuai.. haha.. in the book, the british author can't find love in britain, and goes to many different towns and states in US to look for love.. its so funny.. US has so many queer names.. like.. Valentine, loveladies, guys, boys town, convent, kissimmee, eden, cazenovia, intercourse (!!) , climax (!!!), truth or consequences, weddington, nice, darling.. heh.. so cute! at these different states, she and her friend (both very open and easy going and perhaps "slutty") go to bars and chat up guys and.. make out with them.. exchange numbers.. its just so funny la.. they are so brave..! go to the houses of strangers.. approach any guys they fancy.. pwoah.. dun think singaporean gals are open and daring enough to do that.. reading it gives me a mild culture shock.. i wouldn't have believed it was a true encounter if not for the pictures :) of cos, she mentions the scenary in the different states.. gosh.. the accompanying pictures are so gorgeous.. i wish i had enough money to travel with like-minded friends and check out the land 20 (??) hours away.. but first.. must learn to drink.. seems like theres nothing but bars there.. and people do nothing but down tequila and vodka.. gosh.. picture us riding horses in medows.. bathing in a 2 storey champgne glass bubble bath.. how picturesque will that be.. *gushes* i want to travel!! so badly!! somebody! take me away!! anywhere will do!!!

i've got a new interest.. i wanna be a bartender! how fun!! twiddling with the shakers, making cocktails.. coming up with new concoctions.. oh man.. so so fun!!! but i have not started working on my interest yet.. just daydreaming again.. heh.. like i said.. first, i must learn to drink (and not put on those calories) first.. haha..

hope jamie's alright now.. :)

we bought outrageous stuff for daniel.. haha~ wanna see his expression tml..


__pondering* 4:23 PM :)