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Saturday, August 28, 2004

i will never ever wanna be a maid.. not even if i'm hard pressed for money.. i think its a real sad occupation.. my new maid came today.. i heard the agent hand my mum her 'portfolio' and stuff.. told her to behave properly.. basically.. its like selling human.. i just hate that notion.. to me.. a job should not be like this.. it should be one where.. there's.. i dunno.. i just have this idea of like.. the employer and employee sitting down and negotiating and stuff.. not like this human transaction.. its just a legal form of.. "prostitution" just that the person in transaction now is not for people's sexual pleasure (but again, that's hard to say) when u r a maid.. u basically surrender your rights to your employer.. if your emplyoer is nice (like us of cos!), good for you, if not, you're in for hell.. sigh.. you've gotta slog real hard.. all day all night long.. people get to go home at night and be be free to be themselves and complain and rest and rejuvenate.. but they don't.. you're being employed all the time.. its a tiring job.. you can't take leave when ur sick, you dun have annual leave.. your pay is pathetically meagre.. you carn wear nice clothes, u carn communicate with friends.. you are being doubted when things go wrong.. u eat leftovers.. you might get abused.. u r under the scrutiny of your employer all the time.. you lose your sense of self.. u have sold your life away.. you are now just a working robot.. :( all in all.. its a sad life when u r a maid.. i wish i had no maid.. i dun mind keeping the bed myself every morning.. :( sigh.. maid.. domestic helpers.. a nicer name.. but it doesn't make a difference to the sad life they have.. since the US has so much money.. why not give the money away and let everyone have a proper education? if only there was equal distribution of wealth all over the world.. if only the world was just one unified entity without the different distinctions.. then no one would be selfish over their national wealth and stuff.. this is a time when i wish the world would be a communist place.. :P wad a far fetched idea.. bleahz.. poor maids.. (statement only applies to obedient maids)

__pondering* 6:04 PM :)

physics prac was over.. :) went rather ok.. i wun fail.. but i dun think i'll do fantastically well too.. but i'm happy enough that i managed to finish.. *phew* when we were all outside the lab waiting to go in.. this overwhelming sensation washed over me.. as i looked at wangning rocking back and forth.. baoluo hk andy crowding together trying to relax.. i suddenly understood the true meaning of "we stood there together, waiting to go inside the battlefield and conquer whatever is ahead of us".. i dunno how to describe.. i just felt this.. sudden sense of closeness with everyone.. we're all in the same boat.. we're all on one side.. we're gonna help each other to emerge of the lab.. :) what a magical feeling..

over the days.. i've come to realise that everybody's put into ur life for a reason.. i really appreciate everyone in my life.. all of them have helped to shape my life and my personality one way or another.. no matter how small the change is.. :) i really love everyone around me.. they've helped me through the hardships and confusions in my life.. made me learn to grow up.. instilled values in me.. moulded my personality.. basically.. they just made me who i am today.. thanks to you.. yes you.. for being yourself and for being my friend.. i love you!

as i was walking back to sch from jelita last night.. a question popped into my mind.. if suddenly a taxi stopped and offered you a short ride back to school.. would u argree to hitch a ride? or would u rather not take the risk and walk back on your own? if your answer is.. u do not want to take a risk.. doesn't it make it very hard for people to be nice and helpful?.. cos sporeans are brought up with that mentality that people won't be so kind to you for no reason.. they will have some ulterior motive.. that makes it so difficult for people who genuinely want to be nice.. cos they will think that the other person will think that he is up to no good..and they will not take the initiative to help others for fear that they will be misunderstood.. and this makes our society an unhelpful one.. i carn express myself very well.. but hope u guys get my idea..

not going for the firefly and psc talk today.. siansation.. gonna rot at home and study for chem prac.. Bleahz.. :( im gettin real flabby.. all the muscles that i painstakingly built up from squash are now all degenerated into bobs of fats and swing here and there uncontrollably whenever i move my legs and arms and anywhere of my body.. i feel like a lump of meat rolling and boucing everywhere.. haha.. sounds disgusting right? paisei! haha..

__pondering* 9:58 AM :)

Monday, August 23, 2004

haha it amazing how most of us know all these crap circulated in mails and stuff are probably just untrue crap.. but yet are still so interested and excited to read it.. guess humans just have this curiosity to find out what they are supposed to be and how others might perceive them to be.. innate.. i love these kinda complex thinking.. :) interesting..

realised that i am very very utterly immature.. i have been very very immature in dealing with many things.. very immature.. most of the times, i do not think about the consequences of my actions, because the "wonderful" feeling of committing the act at that time just tempts me beyond rational thought.. it always happens.. and then i start to regret.. i am just unable to pull myself out from that tangle of mess at that time and see the situation in a different light.. its like i'm glued to the situation.. or perhaps.. i don't want to be unglued.. cos i know that most probably, what i'm doing is going to be wrong, and i would be deprived the momentary pleasure..

its hard being a middle person.. really.. especially when you don't know which side you're hearing is true.. perhaps both are true.. just different perspectives.. perhaps both are untrue, meant to sway listeners to their sides.. perhaps both are true to a certain extent, exaggerated in some ways.. its confusing.. i'm starting to think that sometimes facts are not facts.. and human emotions are so scary in determining the impartiality of your judgement.. emotions cannot be trusted.. humans have so many different sides.. i tend to look on their good sides and forget about their bad.. is that good or bad? people have hurt me and yet i have forgiven them.. man is so confusing.. why can't we just view a paper as a piece of paper, but as a.. i dunno .. :(

__pondering* 11:39 PM :)

Turn ons
Libra needs peace and harmony in all their relationship so help them maintain that. Venus the ruling planet gives them beauty and they have weakness for people who can compliment them about their beauty (you will not have to make an effort to do that anyway). You can help Libra seek union and partnership in life. If you have Libra partner you can be sure to share beautiful and pleasurable moments together.
Turn offs
Libra is kind and gentle soul but very argumentative. Hence do not start an argument or discussion unless of course you are free and do not know how to pass your time. They hate to lose and most probably in between of discussion they may change their side too (remember scales can tilt) and still continue arguing from other side. Do not push your Libra partner into making decisions. They will keep weighing pros and cons and may still not be able to come to any decision. Have patience!

__pondering* 11:38 PM :)

Does your name begin with: A
U are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action.You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get.You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up-front person. You often don't get hints & you ever pass any. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is! intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important for you. You tend to be very Practical, & not very emotional Your choices are very good & can only lead to trouble. You are very self satisfied & egoistic.
Does your name begin with: B
You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an ______expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your ______expression of endearments, and particular when it comes to love. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite & feelings. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.
Does your name begin with: C
You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good-looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sensual, Needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to hold out on affection until you receive this.. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.
Does your name begin with: D
Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full Steam ahead in your suit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement's, sometimes possessive and jealous. You are very sharp & talented often with sense of humour. When people bother to look deep inside they cannot resist what they see. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open attitude. You get jealous of other people and lose your temper .
Does your name begin with: E
Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while-it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important. But once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. You will fall asleep with a good book. sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book to a lover)
Does your name begin with: F
You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are a born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are a favourite fantasy past time. You can be a very generous lover.
Does your name begin with: G
You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is yourintellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active-never tiring out. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to people. ___________________________________________________________
Does your name begin with: H
You seek a mate who can enhance your zest for life ,fun & everything You seek for. You will be very generous to your lover once you have Attained a commitment. You are very affectionate & very strong. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be very careful with your every move and equally cautious in your involvement's often as you believe that you have to look out for yourself. You are a sensual and patient lover. You will hold off till everything meets your full approval. You are a perfectionist, hard to satisfy and strong in your beliefs. Not influential, you always stand your ground. People can always count on you to stand by them in a crisis. You are a dreamer with/ a passion for life.
Does your name begin with: I
You have a great need to be loved, appreciated... even worshiped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You like necking spend hours just touching feeling & exploring. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of ______expression. You bore easily and thus require adventure and change. Your commitments don't last very long & you often tend to stray. Loyalty is not one of your strong points. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.
Does your name begin with: J
You are blessed with a great deal of physical energy. When used for a good cause there is nothing to stop you, except maybe that they aren't always used for the good. (you could dance all night.) You respond to the thrill of the chase and the challenge of the mating game.You can carry on great romances in your head. At heart you are a roamer and need to set out on your own every so often. You will carry on long- distance relationships with ease. You are idealistic and need to believe in love. You have a need to be nurtured deep within.
Does your name begin with: K
You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along. You are very generous & giving, often selfless. You are kind-natured & sweet, which is found to be attractive by many. You are a good friend.
Does your name begin with: L
You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your ______expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated. "You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated ".
Does your name begin with: M
You may appear innocent, unassuming and shy; but we know that Appearances can lie. When it comes to sex, you are no novice but something of a skilled technician. You can easily go to extremes, though, running the gamut from insatiability to boredom with the whole idea of love. You can be highly critical of you mate, seeking perfection in both of you. It is not easy to find someone who can meet your standards. You have difficulty expressing emotions and drawing close to lovers. You are often selfish, thinking you are always right no matter what. You never give in. Winning is your prime desire- at any cost. You often forget friends and family and you live for the moment.
Does your name begin with: N
You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you Throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all-consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of energy is inexhaustible. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You also enjoy mothering your mate. You often have the greatest love affairs all by yourself, in your head. You are very imaginative.
Does your name begin with: O
You are very interested in fun activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your energy into making money and/or seeking we. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate lover, requiring the same qualities From your mate. Love is serious business; thus you demand intensity, diversity and is willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.
Does your name begin with: P
You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of Doing anything that might harm your image or Reputation. Appearances count. Therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy...a good fight stimulates those vibes. You are relatively free of hang- ups.You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things.You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.
Does your name begin with: Q
You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people because of their ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and conversation to turn you on and keep you going.
Does your name begin with: R
You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal-the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is not very important to you. You have to be proved to be worthy for a partner. You have a need to prove yourself the best. You want feedback on your performance. You are open, stimulating & romantic.
Does your name begin with: S
For you, it is pleasure before business. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and is capable of much sensuality. But you never loose control of your emotions. Once you make the commitment you stick like glue. You could get jealous and possessive. You tend to be very selfish often regarding yourself as the only human being on the planet.. You like being the centre of attention. You are very caring sensitive, private & sometimes very passive. Turned on by soft lights, romantic thoughts. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role, or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the rightperson to come along. You are very generous & giving, often selfless. You are kind nature & sweet which is found to be attractive by many. You are a good friend.
Does your name begin with: T
You are very sensitive, private & sometimes very passive. You like someone who takes the lead. You get turned on by music, soft lights & romantic thoughts. You fantasize & tend to fall in & out of love soon. When in love you are romantic, idealistic, mushy & extremely. You enjoy having your senses & your feelings stimulated, titillated & teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, all in your own head. Once you put your mind to something you manage to stand by it and see your dreams through. You aren't very good at expressing your feelings. You like things your own way. You do not like change, you like to hold on to things. This may not always be good because if given an opportunity things may develop into great things. You work your way to the top. Attention must be given to what others say because even though you don't want to hear it their advice may turn out to save your life. !
Does your name begin with: U
You are enthusiastic & at your happiest when in love. When not in love you're in love with love and always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as challenge. You are a roamer & needs adventure, excitement freedom. You enjoy giving gifts & looking good. You are willing to put others feelings above yours.
Does your name begin with: V
You are individualistic & you need freedom, space & excitement. You wait till you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching her/him out. You feel a need to get into his/her head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. You believe that age is no barrier. You are good at responding to danger, fear & suspense.
Does your name begin with: W
You are very proud, determined & refuses to take no for an answer when it come to love. Your ego is at stake all the time. You are romantic, idealistic, often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner for who she or he really is. You feel deeply about love & tends to throw all of your self into a relationship. Nothing is too good for your lover. You like playing love games.
Does your name begin with: X
You need constant stimulation because you get bored quickly. You can handle more than 1 relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You can do 2 things at once. You are very talented.
Does your name begin with: Y
You are sensual & very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forget the whole thing. You want to control your relationships which doesn't work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation. However if you can make money you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You have a need to prove yourself the best. You want feedback on your performance. You are open, stimulating & romantic.
Does your name begin with: Z
You are very romantic but show feels that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate & attracting people who have unusual trouble. You see yourself as a lover's saviour.

__pondering* 11:33 PM :)

Sunday, August 22, 2004

yox.. today's been a pretty exciting day.. owells.. at least in the afternoon.. :( got caught by the police for climbing over the gate and trespassing into my own school.. haha.. what a funny joke.. :( i admit i am wrong.. but ya.. climbing over gates has somehow been incorporated into the RJC mugger culture, at least in my opinion.. my sis n i were studying happily.. and suddenly i heard this male voice screaming "the 3 of you! come here" i looked up and saw this familar figure in a blue navy uniform.. and i thot to myself "oh shit. oh shit. how!" yeah... he sounded quite pissed at first i thought.. but after he found that we were just harmless muggers who were not trying to break into lockers to steal girls' jackets and tys and shoes.. he became friendlier.. asking why we chose to study in sch of all places.. throughout the whole thing.. i just couldn't stop laughing.. tried to suppress my laugh into a grin.. i found this whole thing so hilarious.. i dunno why.. until they wanted to take down our particulars.. hmmm.. naive me asked him "so are you gonna send our names to mr hodge?" and of cos the reply.. "too bad!" shouldn't have asked that stupid question in the first place.. he and his counterpart, a rather hostile woman officer called for "reinforcement" and later on we saw these 3 clumsy men (all singhs i think..) climbing over the gate and making a lot of noise.. gosh.. they were scary.. swaggering in with their heads held high and chest "jutting out" haha.. their faces were as black as night.. came in and started dealing with this j3 who was behaving quite suspiciously.. opened his bag and questioned him about the stuff in his bag.. we tried to msg ian and his gf not to come down to the canteen.. but yea.. singapore's police force is real good.. they went up instead.. haha.. so in the end the 5 of us spent this terrifying time together in the canteen.. trying to mug and not think about what's gonna happen.. :\ apparently, ian and his gf saw him meddling with locks on the locker and stealing masking tapes from some props on the floor.. when he saw them looking at him, he put the tapes on top of the distbin and walked away.. hmm.. sounds quite suspicious.. but i'd rather give him the benefit of the doubt.. perhaps he hasn't seen masking tape before..? the singhs were really harsh.. they began by talking to him sternly, asking him why he was back in sch and if he took things.. when he denied.. they started shouting at him and stuff.. and he also raised his voice.. of cos.. when he continued denying they took out a handcuff and to threaten him.. and when he still incessantly say "sir, but i really did not do anything!", they handcuffed him.. sigh.. if he's really the culprit behind all the thefts, good for singapore.. but if he's really innocent.. then i think he's really poor thing.. imagine the emotional scar.. told my dad they looked really fierce and scary.. haha.. my dad said that of cos they look scary.. if not the police force wouldn't want to hire them.. he said who in the world can have the scariest face besides them? haha.. its really funny.. after an agonizing wait.. the singh came over and said "i want you all out of the school, NOW.. " what a relief.. but ya.. if anything happens in the school tonight.. we're gonna be in deep trouble tml.. keep my fingers crossed that nth will happen.. :( god bless.. ian n his gf, my sis and i went to holland v to continue mugging while hon went home.. all of us too traumatised.. haha.. what an interesting experience.. my sis is really so stupid.. if she hadn't insisted on following me to sch.. she would have been safe from all these.. trouble.. but its good in a way.. she learnt sth that her peers can never learn.. unless they do sth bad that is..

so we mugged at holland.. mugged and mugged.. and heard that jiawei lost.. sigh.. mugged and mugged till dinner time.. when i was famished.. and craved for food.. but when the food was in front of me.. my appetite sprinted away.. ate half of it and couldnt bear to eat it anymore even though i was still hungry... sigh.. then we mugged and mugged till it was time to go home..

hmmm.. bought a nice flower at the florist.. told my sis to run to the car to get my dad out so that i can pass him the flower to pass to mum.. in the end got a scolding from him.. :( saying that i wasted the flower.. quite pissing.. how can my mum stand such an unromantic guy.. i wonder how they even had me in the first place la.. i never ever see them doing sth that shows that they're a couple.. besides living under the same roof and sleeping on the same bed.. pls lo.. he said he is a lao gu dong.. i m creating opportunities for him to be sweet lo! appreciate it la! all girls, no matter how old they are, love flowers lo! they love guys to humour them lo.. forced him to give my mum the flower and he gave it with a black face.. without even looking at my mum.. wah feel like screaming.. :( i will bash my husband if he ever dares to do that to me.. and i'll never ever do the household chores again.. whahaha.. pls la.. wake up dad.. dun let mum suffer from ur.. "indifference" to her romantic needs.. ughz disgusting..

right now.. br is in quite an irritable mood.. drank too much coffee.. cafe nova in the morning, a few sips of my sis' choc ice blended.. a cup of ice mocha coffee, then a small cup of house blend.. high on caffine.. but low on endorphine.. :( got this feeling of.. unrest inside me.. it feels like exploding.. yet it doesn't feel like its gonna explode.. its driving me crazy..

__pondering* 10:13 PM :)

Saturday, August 21, 2004

"happiness is a choice. one can choose to be happy regardless of the circumstances. for more often then not we look back at some happenings in the past and realise how simple the issue really is, and we wonder at our inability at that time to see past the fog shrouding us from the light at the end of the tunnel. sometimes, it takes a step of faith and a pint of courage to step into the darkness to obtain the understanding that can bring back a whole lot of meaningful revelations. "

thanks huiping.. you're my inspiration.. your blogs are always so beautifully written and insightful.. :) you've really grown a lot.. *hugx*

i know that prelims is yet another puddle of dirty water that all of us have got to jump across.. some love getting dirty.. some don't mind getting dirty, some are scared of getting dirty, some refuse to get dirty.. those who refuse have gotten out of the educational system.. i belong to those who are scared of gettin dirty.. and perhaps people like wang ning are those who don't mind gettin dirty.. while geniuses like leslie beh and joanne love gettin dirty.. haha.. :) what a weird analogy i know.. at this point in time.. i admire those who have gotten to the other side of the puddle and have remained unscathed.. and i hope that eventually i will be like them.. one way or the other, we'll get to the other side.. the difference is the happiness we have inside.. please dangle some slimming pills at the opposite end so that i have the courage to jump over to the other side!!! :)

jia you everyone!

__pondering* 3:51 PM :)

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

was just thinking to myself.. when i was in pri school, i always looked at my seniors who came from rg and wished that i could go to rg.. and when i was in rg.. i would always look at those seniors who came back from rj and tell myself "if only i could get into rj.. i would give anything to go there..".. and now that in rj.. i would look at the seniors who are in university and wish that i could be like them.. seems like this cycle of looking up would never end.. humans are never contented i guess.. we always want to be something swifter, higher, stronger.. (haha).. it gets tiring cos it seems like nothing u do is ever enough, but i guess it's what keeps people going.. perhaps there will come a point when i will tell myself "those people are in the coffin.. how i wish i could be there".. haha.. *choy* but who knows..
squash farewell on saturday.. jiawen's house.. hmmm.. dilemma..
"shamshon's" topless 5 is absolutely heavenly.. though many of the flavours were sold out.. yh and i had 10 flavours in all.. stomach almost burst.. was forcing myself to eat towards the end.. but its the first time forcing myself to do sth is such a pleasure.. haha.. everyone should go try!! (i bet most already did) gonna bring my darling mei mei to eat also.. :) *evil ploy to make her fatter than me! muahahah*
kena raped for chem lec test.. :( supposed to wake up at 330 to study.. in the end woke up at 6 instead.. was so fuming mad with myself when i woke up.. :( but i can only blame myself.. disgusting pig who sleeps all day long.. ughz.. so in the end din manage to study much.. sigh sigh~ but its ok.. :)
jia you everyone!!!~ good things are sure to come..

__pondering* 8:20 PM :)

Monday, August 16, 2004

oh and sth very interesting to add.. wang ning's friend's quote:

life is like getting raped. if you cannot avoid it, enjoy it.

its hilarious! :) hope it brought a smile to ur faces!

__pondering* 8:55 PM :)

:) slept for 1.5 hrs in the council room b4 maths s today.. so that makes up 5 hours of sleep.. and that adds up to about i dunno how many hours of sleep in the past 2 weeeks or so.. :) will uni be worse? haha.. sleeping less is bad.. it makes "everybody" so short tempered and get angry with each other so easily.. and that in turn makes u feel worse.. i wish there was this super essence that could keep people awake and most importantly alert.. haha.. so that students can become super students and mug all day long..maybe danny can invent that if he ever decides to become a researcher.. it'd defintely be a big hit in town.. haha.. shuo lai shuo qu.. its all qin shi huang's fault.. or is it some other emperor.. what imperial exams.. :( sighx~

met mr eric lee as i walked down the stairs and waved to him happily.. and what surprised me was that he actually said "wow.. you're constantly so cheerful and bubbly.. really wonder how yu do it.." or wtte.. cant really remember.. and he actually remembered we took a photo last teacher's day.. (though i carn remember it at all).. short term memory.. told yh when i went back to the canteen.. and he gave me that "haha.. i'm so sure!" laugh.. haha.. of cos i know that what mr lee said isn't true.. i think that people normally show the worst sides of themselves to the people closest to them.. that is so true for me.. i might appear generally cheerful to the general public.. but yeah.. who can ever know the big rolling waves splashing about inside me.. except for those close to me that is.. so i'm just wanna say sorry to anyone reading this and who has suffered from my unreasonable moodswings which were totally uncalled for.. *sincere apologies!* i have a real bad temper.. but i'm working on it and thank god its improving! :)

pong once told me that people normally show their worst sides and flare up at the people who love them most and care for them the most, cos they know that these are the people who wun judge them by their tempers and stuff.. and yeah i agree that this is so wrong.. cos these people are the ones who matter the most in the end.. tbey are the ones who are going to be with you through it all.. and its simply unfair to let them suffer the consequences of ur wrath when all they're doing is to be there for you.. :) i know the theory.. but applying it in practical is hard..

jia lun popped his shoulder while playing touch rug today.. :( my heart ached as i saw him wincing with every step he took as he was escorted by the teachers to the clinic.. sigh.. 2nd time i heard.. :( how painful.. hope it heals soon.. but i doubt it'll take very fast.. my ankle isn't even healed from the bad sprain in jan.. hope he gets well soon! :]

i always feel so happy to blog.. :) lets me know that i know what's going on with my life.. and gives me the assurance that i'm not just surviving my life.. but actually living it.. as for now.. back to thermody for chem lec test tml~ :( screwed once again.. sigh~

__pondering* 8:19 PM :)

Sunday, August 15, 2004

help.. i feel like a trapped bird.. the world is my cage..
i long for the day when i can really be free.. but life is plagued by worries.. who can ever say he's free? and what do monks and nuns know about that?

__pondering* 2:30 PM :)

E(life) = E(people) + E(yourself), where E(yourself) is largely determined by E(people) such that E(life) approx 2 E(people)

E(life) = E(people) + E(yourself), where E(yourself) is largely determined by E(people) such that E(life) approx 2 E(people)

are we living for ourselves or living for other people?
are our actions and thoughts governed too much by the opinions and reactions of other people?
i guess in this intricately linked global community, it is hard to make it big without considering the views of the other people around you, no matter whether their views are reasonable or not.
humans are born with this desire to excel.. it is innate.. and its expression is being determined by the environmental conditions as well as the upbringing of the individual.
as such.. baorong's hypothesis: the world will not end due to Ice Age or anything else, but due to humans biting each other's heads off..

__pondering* 12:34 PM :)

Saturday, August 14, 2004

bathing was agonizing.. reached home not long ago.. mugged in school till 10+.. and i guess i was the last person to leave the canteen~ haha.. played bball with the guys today.. just pose there but somehow i tripped across yh and fell.. grazed my both palm a little.. and can see a bit of my raw yellow (with a little blood stain) meat on my right palm.. looks not so serious.. but it hurt like hell when i tried to bath and scrub my body and wash my hair.. :( but haha.. wun die.. duh~ was a little.. traumatised when i fell.. cos i have not fell and injured myself for so long.. at least in squash.. i dun fall and even i do.. my skin doesn't get scrapped off.. haha.. (that's the reason why i dun like bball.. afraid of being tackled and fallin down and spraining my weak ankles which have been sprained for over 10 times in the last few years).. but yeah.. i realised that many times.. its not just about how u respond after a situation.. like.. how u carry urself after u have washed ur wound... but also about how u respond when u are in the midst of that emergency.. like what u do when u are down on the ground in pain.. i must admit i have not handled this well.. shan't elaborate.. embarrassing.. haha.. but i din cry la.. duh~

then we played netball.. against some 26 27 year old ladies and guys who come back to play netball every weekend.. we thought it would be rather easy to beat them.. since our team comprised mainly of atheletic people.. but well.. the truth isn't always so.. perhaps we dun have the mo qi.. or cos the guys are not familiar with netball.. and they were a little short compared to the other guys.. but ya.. we got thrashed.. haha.. but what really struck me was that attitude is so very important.. people reciprocate ur attitude towards them.. when u r friendly towards people.. they wouldn't be nasty twds u unless they are crazy.. but the slightest rowdyness can result in the whole game turning out unpleasant.. there was this guy in the opposite team.. he had this irritating kiam pa face that all of us couldn't stand.. that scrunged up look that is so.. *bleahz* but ya.. he is really agressive.. of cos u shud be agressive in a game.. but he was overly so.. as a result.. he really pissed us off.. netball had this 3 second rule.. release the ball in 3 seconds.. we decided that he was really horrible.. so whenever he held the ball, we would count the seconds out loud.. i must admit it wasn't really good sportsmanship from us.. but that's what i mean by reciprocal of attitude.. and so we entered this vicious cycle.. he got more and more unfriendly.. and the whole game was so heated.. like a real competitive netball game.. i feel that i am very reactive.. not the chemical type.. but.. i react a lot to people's attitude.. it started out as a friendly.. but because of that guy.. and the atmosphere of the whole game.. my attitude got progressively worse.. of cos i know that the attitude of this one guy shouldn't affect me.. but.. can't help it.. its real bad.. and yeah.. the competitive streak in me made me rowdier.. undesirable attitude.. :(( bad habit.. must kick it off.. i get angry too easily.. haha.. i think everyone agrees.. fiery temper..

we had this scholarship exhibition in the morning.. i wasn't planning to go.. but in the end.. i ended up going up to the hall wanting to get a free beautiful navy Al water bottle for my little sis.. and.. what started out to be a superficial conversation to make him give me the waterbottle turned out to be an hour of conversation.. din even realise that we talked for so long though we were both standing.. haha.. shocking.. was asking about SAF scholarship.. my interest got aroused cos he said there was a medicine scholarship available.. so naturally i probed more.. but after the 1 hour chat.. i decided that i dun wanna be a MO in army.. its not the life that i want.. not the type of "helping people" that i want to achieve.. yeah.. wasted 1 hour of my life.. but nvm.. got the navy bottle.. air force notebook and some other real nice goodies.. haha..

sigh sigh.. its tortuous to study.. i feel like this is the hardest part of my life.. like once i get thru this.. i will be able to get thru anything.. but again.. i always feel like this during exam period.. haha.. i know i have resilience.. but i dunno what's the limit.. bleahz.. uni will be like this.. if not worse i guess.. life is just tough.. was lamenting to yh.. saying i should just go be a farmer.. but i figured out that being anyone is as problematic as being anyone else.. our lives now are already so great.. what's the problem with me man! guess it all boils down to us humans not knowing how to cherish what we have.. until we lose it.. haha..

and finally.. i think i understand the meaning of 'a school moulding ur character'.. rj has definitely brought me to a higher level.. never felt that way in rg . rg din mould me as much as squash did.. guess my participation in school matters then wasn't that great.. but yeah.. this year.. i've really learnt a lot.. grew up at an exponential rate.. haha.. suddenly i begin to think of the consequences of the things i did in the past.. last year and so on.. and i really think its pressurizing to be born into this society where every single decision u make will be linked to ur future.. one wrong step and u r disadvantaged.. if only i could just be a fisherman.. :((( just catch fish.. or grow orchids in the netherlands.. haha.. crazy dreams.. but studying really kills.. :(

***______::: what you can do is what you can do, and what you can do is enough:::______***

is what i'm doing ever enough?

__pondering* 11:09 PM :)

Friday, August 13, 2004

yoyo.. i'm determined to be a good senior to my juniors in the future.. cos the seniors i spoke to are really really so great and nice.. like guohao and danny.. they really helped me a lot.. :) what great people..
just saw ruijie on tv.. president scholar.. 1 out of the 2.. so rare.. he's really super zai.. his mother must be so proud.. :) so happy for him.. deserves it.. being the president scholar was something i wanted to be in primary school.. a lot a lot.. haha.. cos of my parents la.. every year on tv.. they nv fail to highlight to me the top PSLE scorers, top o levels top a levels, president's scholar.. so well.. i guess its natural to want to follow in their footsteps.. but i realise that as you grow older.. things become so utterly different.. your dreams become so much harder.. almost impossible to reach.. its really scary.. even the practical things are so hard to attain.. reality has shrunk our space for dreams and imagination.. we're bogged down by all the 'real' things daily.. sigh.. i hate j2 like.. wanna get out of it quickly.. if only u could be a doctor without studying medicine.. haha.. i guess no one would wanna see doctors then.. but owells.. i hate studying.. just let me be a senior toilet management officer.. :)

__pondering* 10:31 PM :)

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

halo peeps! guess wad? yingheng did a calculation.. and found out that for screwed ppl like us who haben started revision.. we've gotta like.. study 4 topics a day to make it in time for prelims.. wow.. he said we shud finish organic chem in 3 days.. haha.. wow! i'm gonna be stronger than catwoman by then.. wunder how am i gonna get thru.. pimples and white hair and stuff.. shucks. no more slacking.. but sing idol and the 9 oclock show continues! haha..

received siyu's letter yest! so happy.. its such a nice break from the studying of biotech.. it sucks la.. crammming how many hundreds of pages (literally) in 2+ days.. amazing!

gp today was humbling.. as it always had been.. i'm really not up to date with current affairs.. its real bad.. i think i shud make better use of my breaks.. like visit the library and read newspapers and not slack away laze ard.. its amazing how mr khoo can store so much info and arguments and insights in his brain.. i can practically see him keying the keywords into the brain and then like a internet search engine the arguments come out one by one and then he just articulates them so eloquently.. sth i'll never be able to do..

had a talk with mr hodge today.. a chat session with some other students abt scholarships.. he asked us for comments abt the sch's support for students seeking out scholarships.. whether we shud have sapphire prog like NJ and stuff.. and what it means to be a scholar basically.. well.. little baorong who cannot talk well tried to air her views and found herself not knowing what she was talking about.. its like when i talk halfway.. i'll realise i suddenly lost my train of thoughts.. and i'll just blurt out.. "oh no i'm veh blur abt all these.. " "i dunno la.. but ya.." "i dunno how ur going to do this but yada.." somehow i just cannot express what i think.. can't put my thoughts into words.. talk abt family conditioning man.. family foundation is so important.. tempted to say that u being a scholar or not has a lot to do with your genes and ur upbringing.. haha..but well.. everyone knows that already. everytime i spoke my leg shook.. gosh.. all that adrenaline.. my heart was pumping so fast.. really traumatising.. but rather happy that he remembered me from orientation special event.. haha.. just hope ms wang and he wun go away from the session thinking that i'm this girl who wants a scholarship for the prestige (im not aiming for one anyway.. no medicine scholarship) with no passion to serve.. haha.. and that im this weird girl who does not know what she is talking about and can say tt she's veh blur abt wad shes talking abt.. haha.. shucks..

lastly.. i highly recommend cafe supernova.. brilliant coffee.. delicious and keeps u awake effectively.. yep! :) till the next time i see you.. have fun! and i hope i can turn back time.. wud have started studying earlier!

__pondering* 10:30 PM :)

Saturday, August 07, 2004

hi.. things are so boring.. i think i am that kind of person who needs some exciting new thing happening in my life everyday.. or at least 3 out of 4 days to consider my life as being exciting.. its so boring now la.. even though yest was nat day celebration and i socred some brilliant goals during handball and tried to stick my leg everywhere to touch the ball during soccer.. its just so boring today.. gosh.. and the weather's killing me.. its freaking hot la.. gettin a headache.. eikes.. that day wong shiming and some other super zai seniors came to give a talk on yale princeton and harvard u.. its a talk that i find it hard to forget.. cos.. i'm just so envious.. as in.. envious that they got the security of a place at a good u.. while i'm bobbing up and down in this insecurity.. dying la.. prelims.. a's.. pracs.. personal statement.. uni choice.. been asking a few seniors abt med in uk.. but they dun seem to be giving me the ans that i want to hear.. shiming and gang.. they're super zai la.. i can nv match up to them.. and i dun think i will try to.. cos its impossible.. making myself sadder only.. i just wish that i can get admitted into a good uni.. and get thru my education and make lotsa friends and have a good time overseas and do well in my exams.. and come back and be a great doc.. the 2 pres scholars are veh charismatic.. shiming and ervin.. and one can tell that they're really the creme de la creme.. no wonder they got into harvard and yale.. i'm so uncertain abt everything.. boo.. so many good people.. so little spaces.. i wish i could know what's going to happen.. god help me.. i hate this stage of my life.. please let me get out of it.. i've nv been so uncertain in my life..
as i was listening to radio.. i was just thinking.. between some pop star like britney and a good scholar.. i think being a scholar is so much better.. prob u dun get as much publicity and fame as the stars.. but you do get respect.. true respect from people because u r worthy of their respect.. imagine asking brit or jay-z some intellectual question.. like.. who is the scretary general of UN now.. haha.. it'll be such a joke..

and do you guys remember that stupid disgusting squasher from ac.. he went to aust to study or anything.. the super dirty minded one..forgot his name.. biang.. he just msned me and told me he dreamt of me.. and then dunno y said that i'll dream of us being in bed together.. then the bed will get too hot cos he's hot and i'm hot.. gosh.. revolting.. told him to shut up and scram off.. then he was like.. "i said u are hot and u told me to shut up.. its a compliment k? its a fact that i'm hot and i'm putting u in my league.. u shud be honoured.. now you're making me cry.."
oh shucks.. wunder how many girls have been cheated by him.. what a disgusting young man with such a polluted mind.. i wish someone can save him from all the dirt his neurones are drowning in.
but well.. talking abt tt reminds me of all the secondary school days.. dun miss the part in rg.. but i really miss the part in COE.. with vivian.. jon teh.. shoby.. fahim.. sean.. tim.. shawn.. yuting.. hp.. bx.. the 3/4 games.. the pt.. the matches.. the time viv me hp and shoby's brother got into some mess and we were at the pathway trying to 'sort out' our feelings.. the times we went to fahim's house and tried to cook and took afternoon naps.. the hilton trips.. i wish time would rewind.. i wanna live all those again.. not possible.. just a dream.. right now.. the tv is the only way i can escape from reality.. haiz~

__pondering* 5:22 PM :)

feelin down~
Thursday, August 05, 2004

sigh.. i know 'sigh' is not a very good word to start a blog with.. but i've got no other words to describe what i'm feeling. suddenly.. i feel so small in this world.. among all the rising stars.. the risen stars.. the potential stars.. i feel as if the world is going to swallow me whole.. cruelly.. watch me fall.. as if there is no place for me at all.. university application is so daunting.. and thinking of the future makes me quiver inside out.. the competition, the personal statement, the teacher's recommendations.. the interviews, the written tests.. the research.. the unpredictable A level grades.. i'm really worried.. but i'm not helping myself.. have not started studying yet. gosh.. what a sad case i am.. sigh..

went running with bena and sang today.. and shane joined us as we walked our final round.. we were talking crap.. shining his LED around.. and we stopped to gaze at stars.. traced out scorpio and some triangle.. discussed about where was the best place to look at stars.. and it suddenly occurred to me that it is defintely these times that i'll remember, and not time spent in the lecture copying lecture notes or during tutorials marking endless tutorials.. and i really understand what the seniors mean when they say that you decide whether you have a social life or not.. this is so true.. i could have gone home to mug mug mug.. but i didn't.. even though this is a weird time to do these kind of slack things.. it is strangely the time when i actually feel alive.. sigh.. many things in my mind.. i'm growing up so fast.. or should i say i'm being forced to grow up so fast.. at a pace that i'm not confortable with.. its scary... peter pan syndrome..

feelin in a mean mood currently.. very mean mood.. shucks.

played soccer today.. quite fun.. tml i'm posing in the soccer pitch for the inter class games.. hope i'll contribute something and not cause the downfall of the team.. actually i can understand why guys like to play soccer.. its rather entertaining.. just that my toes hurt a little.. but its ok..

sometimes you just dun cherish what you already have..
sometimes you are just too greedy..
sometimes you wish for many things in life.. and yet you are thankful that they do not exist.. like a magic crystal ball that foresees the future.. and having a back button in life..
sometimes you just want everything
and sometimes you just want nothing
sometimes you want to be ordinary
sometimes you want to stand out
sometimes you show that you want to be all alone
although all you want is for someone to stick around
sometimes you dun feel like smiling
but you still have to force yourself to smile
sometimes you just wanna be mean
but just can't bring yourself to be
sometimes you just wanna say the truth
and after saying, hope that the truth has never been said
sometimes you feel shi*t
but sometimes you feel that you are the best in the world
sometimes you get upset about something that means so much to you
and wish that it hadn't meant so much
sometimes you feel lost in the crowd
and just wish that you are the sole existence in the world
sometimes you just wish you can blend into the crowd
sometimes you wish you have everything
but in the end.. it doesn't even matter..

__pondering* 10:29 PM :)

Monday, August 02, 2004

haben blogged in quite a while.. :) how's everyone been..?? been scouting for UK unis.. really dun wanna stay in singapore.. shortlisted a few.. King's College of London, Imperial College of London, Glasgow University, University College of London and of course Cambridge.. A lot of London eh? haha.. really at a loss as to what to do.. which one to apply.. and gotta worry about the UCAS form.. the personal statement.. that's real important.. that's the.. link between the uni and me.. really dunno how to write it well.. sigh sigh.. and.. haiyoh.. gotta worry about the one page essay i'm supposed to submit to Mr Hodge about "what does it mean to be a scholar" Wang Ning finished writing that liao.. and i dun evne know where to start.. and i haben started my revision.. everything's so wrong.. and i'm sick.. fever sore throat a bit of cough.. and got terrible headaches and ulcers in my mouth.. everything's quite bad now.. but its ok.. i'll last through it all.. wang's confused too.. hope he follows his heart and finds the way.. and to anyone who's confused.. listen to your heart.. do what you really wanna do.. dun do sth cos yu've got the ability or cos you think it can earn u fame and big bucks.. cos in the end you're just gonna get stuck in a job which you dun like and then waste your life away.. and by then its too late for regrets.. bx.. how is it? did that scholarship talk help you in anything? my few friends told me its quite redundant except for the personality test.. so what did that test tell you you should be? hee.. a psychologist? haha.. so many things to do.. so little determination.. running short of time. i need more time.. einstein.. please teach me how to slow down my time.. its going too fast.. haha..

__pondering* 10:01 PM :)