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Friday, March 16, 2007

i know i've been taught
to take the pain
rest assured my angels
will catch my tears
walk me out of here
i'm in pain..

hey man..
i dunno what i need
but i badly need something to help me get through my days

i know its a tough time for everyone..
we'll get through it together..

but right now
i need some light and enlightenment to be shed on me..

__pondering* 9:55 AM :)

Monday, March 12, 2007

this is it.
no more excuses.
let's see what i can accomplish this year when excuses no longer have a role in my life.
my super delayed new year resolution.
and yes, its one of the rare few that i made with conviction.

after feeling rather depressed and miserable for 3 big quarters of the day
i finally got sick of myself.
i forgot since when i have become such a weakling.
its like.. the baorong who would take on tough opponents and endure tough trainings suddenly vanished into the past.
and now, what remains is only this whining piece of complaining-machine that keeps rattling out excuses after excuses so that she doesn't have to do anything hard.

i chose this path knowing full well the difficulties that lie ahead.
so who am i to complain about all these things when its all expected?
life is meant to be enjoyed. (quote eugene haha)
and if my life is going to be full of all these tests and exams and memorizing weird bugs and drugs,
i am going to learn to enjoy it.
all these inanimate stuff are not going to get me down.
i am not gonna make my whole life miserable and down just because of these tests, which i chose, and i can't control.
there is more to life man.
i am going to enjoy every single moment of my life.
because there is only going to be one March 12 2007 in my whole entire life, and i am not going to let this moment pass in misery, only to look back in reminiscence and wish that i had done something else.
yes, studying is important.
but life is about learning, and loving the learning process.
that's exactly what i'm gonna do.
life is gonna be filled with never ending tests.
written tests, tests of character, verbal tests..
i'm gonna learn to embrace them all..!

there i was in the previous entry, lamenting the "lack" of challenges to hone my character.
its only now that i realise i've been choosing not to see these tests as challenges, cos i want to escape them.
so i've been wallowing in self pity about my never ending tests..
none of that from now on!

how's that for 3 hours of sitting at the play ground and reflecting on my life and what a wuss i've been?
dear friends and family, help me keep my new year resolution, if i make any excuses, deliberately or otherwise,
please just drop me a gentle reminder not to do so..
ciao! :)

__pondering* 6:43 PM :)

i am at a loss as to what to do.

i dun wanna start.

oh man.


i must be happy
i must love studying.
i must be brave.
stop running away.
its time to wake up.
truth is i rather face other things than study.

jia you.

__pondering* 10:44 AM :)

Sunday, March 11, 2007

i was suddenly reminded of Homer's Troy in turkey..
the 9 cities built on top of each other..
i remember it was the place all of us disliked.. because we could make no sense out of anything at all.. everything was just in a mess.. the 9 civilizations' debri just piled unsystematically on top of each other..
its just like the way many of us choose to face our problems.. we try to sweep everything into a remote recess at the back of our minds.. and then everything just keeps piling and piling..
and one day when the ground just can't bear the weight no more and everything crumbles..
its really not a pretty sight to take in.. things all tangled up.. hardly able to differentiate one from another.. so.. either solve the problem, or get on with life and stop, as in really stop thinking about it.

i really wonder whether i'm trodding down the right path in life.
if i hate, as in really hate anatomy, pharmaco and microb so so so so much, how am i suitable to be a doctor?
docs should be loving what they are studying.
so that they are able to rattle off the knowledge without even thinking.
how am i fit to be a doc when i'm hating the subjects that are so fundamental to my chosen profession? maybe i made a wrong choice this time round..

i think i have been so so so sheltered in my life..
part of me is thankful for it,
but the other part wonders what i'm missing out in life..
wonders what kind of person i will be after going through the trials and tribulations of a hard life..
i always believe the toughest circumstances bring out the best (and of course the worst) in everyone..
and yet i dread tough times.. i dread what might present when/if my smooth-sailing life comes to a grinding halt.
i ought to learn to embrace challenges and difficulties like my dear does..
talking to him always fills me with wonder how someone can relish challenges so much..
sure, what he talks about.. like.. university life as a journey of pursuit of knowledge, seeing projects as gaining knowledge on the world.. etc etc. do cross my mind.. and of course i try my best to think that way.. but unlike him, my conviction in these mantras wax and wanes..
i tend to get too bogged down by the little little things.. afterall, you can't see beyond the s**t when you are stuck in a pool full of that. its only when you/time has successfully carried you above all the troubles that you can look back and be grateful for that precious learning experience. yeah.. basically i'm just impressed by his attitude and his concentration.. must learn must learn..
i think i've always chosen the easier way in life..
perhaps giving myself one too many excuses to try out other things..
telling myself "this is me. this is my character. i can't help it!"
i dunno how i am gonna change that..
gotta try figure this out.
i wish i have a place i can go when i am feeling upset or pensive..
u noe.. in all the dramas etc.. when the character is upset, somehow he/she will end up at this scenic place where he/she can think and cry and sob.. and emerge stronger than before, with a new decision, with a new conviction, a new plan.
for hk dramas it'll be that moutain.. forgot the name..
for the semi urban shows it'll be some ulu corner facing some water body..
in ang moh shows it'll be somewhere near the sea..
in singapore it'll be long car drives with the windows wound down..
hey man..
i want a corner in singapore to call my own.
besides my house that is.
i want to be out there in sync with nature.
to think beneath the starry skies and figure out my life with the breeze fingering through my hair..

i am so so so afraid to close my eyes.
so afraid for the day to end.
because i know when i open my eyes again and the day begins..
that's when the nightmare begins.

__pondering* 10:35 PM :)

some really nice phrases from "for one more day" by mitch albom.

Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.
What if you got it back?

She wasn't easy on me, don't get me wrong. She smacked me. She scolded me. She punished me. But she loved me, she really did.
Her only flaw was that she didn't make me work for it.
You see, here's my theory: Kids chase the love that eludes them, and for me, that was my father's love. He kept it tucked away, like papers in a briefcase. And i kept trying to get in there.

Here is what you are going to find out about marriage: you have to work at it together. And you have to love three things. You have to love
1) each other
2) you children
3) you marriage.
What i mean by that last one is, there may be times that you fight, and sometimes you and catherine won't even like each other. But those are the times you have to love your marriage. It's like a third party. Look at your wedding photos. Look at any memories you've made. And if you believe in those memories, they will pull you back together.

Its funny. I met a man once who did a lot of mountain climbing. I asked him which was harder, ascending or descending? He said without a doubt descending, because ascending you were so focused on reaching the top, you avoided mistakes. The backside of a mountain is a fight against human nature. You have to care as much about yourself on the way down as you did on the way up.

You expect a lot of things in a marriage Charley, but who could see themselves replaced like that? I could have forgiven him almost anything against me. But that was a betrayal of you and your sister too.
You have one family Charley. For good or bad. You have one family. You can't trade them in. You can't lie to them. You can't run two at once, substituting back and forth.
Sticking with your family is what makes it a family.

I believe that parents, if they love you, will hold you up safely, above their swirling waters, and sometimes that means you'll never know what they endured, and you may treat them unkindly, in a way you otherwise wouldn't.
But there's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother's story, because hers is where yours begins.

very meaningful phrases.

miss uncle lesster suddenly.
UL, bx, me..
we've been through quite a bit man.
remember the first time huiling introed me to UL.
imagined him sitting on the harley motorbike and leather jacket.
wonder how i can ever imagine that.
yups. still remember the 3 of us met at the "big fishball noodle shop" in bukit panjang plaza. haha..
and then somehow bx also got to know UL..
will never forget how he took us in his little car for rides..
to kallang. to our homes. to take pictures at the "bars". to changi village. with kim lee and timothy arnold. in KL. being concerned about us.
how he listened to bx and me bitch and complain about our parents and schoolwork and coach.. and he'd sit down there and listen and offer some new perspectives.
perspectives that made me grow and learn to empathize with the adults living in a world totally different from mine. he never scolded us or forced us to see things his way. he just offered words of wisdom without being domineering.
he's one of those who moulded me into who i am today.
so UL. if u ever read this, thanks for everything. hope you are doing fine in africa... come back to sg soon!!!!!

__pondering* 11:06 AM :)

Monday, March 05, 2007


__pondering* 5:25 PM :)