. t h e . g i r l .
happy to be around people who care
blessed to love and be loved
yearning to grow

. p e o p l e . w h o . m a t t e r .

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Monday, January 31, 2005

was looking thru the rj yearbook yesterday.. sigh sigh.. miss everything all over again.. bah.. life is great in school.. without the mugging of course.. endless tutorials to chiong.. its like endless stress.. whenever you painstakingly finish all ur current tutorials, hong king will come down from the photocopying shop with another super thick stack of tutorials and the horror repeats itself in a 2 day cycle.. breaks spent chionging tutorials.. but i'd be slacking away cos i dun wanna start doing them.. gosh gosh.. bah.. nostalgia.. work will never ever be so fun!!! boo... feel like sobbing.. haha.. crazy.. meeting up w selene today! so happy! haven't seen her for really long.. hopefully she has been getting on fine.. :) and huilin too.. haven't heard from her.. as well as my 2 other tan sistas.. missing people is part and parcel of stoning.. haha..

__pondering* 10:08 AM :)

Saturday, January 29, 2005

:) loved my day today! finally met up with the girls! how much i missed them.. dearest bx, jess, huiping, jamie.. and our guest ricky.. haha.. i was supposed to go for this interview for a coordinator job.. haha.. but when b n i went to raffles place, checked the map and realised how far that lorong telok place was, we just ran straight to orchard la! haha.. i'm forever doing things i don't want.. haha.. weirdo.. :) saw hp, julia and yvonne.. hp gave us free venezia ice cream!! she's so sweet! so sweet! :) heh! basically just spent the whole day walking around.. looking at super ex stuff that puts the both of us off.. earrings for 20+ bucks? erps.. a bit cheap there.. tried to look for waitressing jobs.. haha.. no cafe was interesting enough.. went to hyatt to check if there were banquets for us to help.. the procedures veh ma fan la.. bah.. went to far east and saw an advert at gelare wanting to hire part time waitresses.. i was piqued by that.. but owells.. taken up.. boo.. so in the end ended up with no job again.. haha.. but dear hp had agreed to help us check out if there are vacancies at the venezia at 6th avenue! :) yay! can make sandwiches, waffles and stuff!! how fun!! so exciting! get fat job.. heh.. it was really hilarious how the 5 of us sat at the benches at far east and started to talk so animatedly about *nude beaches* and movies tt ought to have been given a ra rating.. haha.. we were all talking so loudly la.. haha.. bx said we could have become a tourist attraction.. watch 5 singaporean girls make a big fool of themselves at orchard.. admission is free!! heh.. have never been so happy in such a long while.. really so so so happy.. i love my girlfriends.. love them to bits!! too bad mich and ness n bet weren't there.. :( but nvm.. we'll all meet up on hp's birthday if she's not unavailable! :P

oh.. and i just checked ucas for fun! haha!! guess wad??? i got a conditional offer from UCL!!! :) dunno what kind of offer just yet.. but at least i got an offer! not rejection! so happy!!! heh.. lalala... LALALA!!! hee.. feel a bit crazy.. hee... lalala!!! lalala!! yay!!! *grin* just hope i din screw my a levels.. and that sigh.. i've got enough money la.. sigh sigh.. hahaha....

__pondering* 11:45 PM :)

oh and i forgot to add.. that arrogant joshna cheenababala is now the world junior CHAMPION la.. *BAH!* i'm still bearing a "grudge" over her arrogance.. hmph! and a pakistani beat the cute little indian boy sauruf (or how do u spell it) to be the champ.. yucks. cheenababala.

__pondering* 10:12 AM :)

i love u bx!! :) so happy ur back! :) heh.. was so happy i couldn't sleep last night.. or rather this morning.. it was great to talk to you.. heh.. we are forever the dumpling jie meis! heh..

charlene, nicole and pamela are at ASIAN JUNIORS la.. gosh.. i miss COE days man.. miss training.. miss playing squash competitively.. training for tournaments.. sigh sigh.. retire liao la.. bah.. they got thrashed by the hong kongers.. can u imagine? nicole can easily thrash me lo.. and she literally got thrashed by some hk girl.. i feel like an embryo.. bah*. carn even run without panting like mad.. i think i will die of heart attack if i ever do court sprints again.. haha..

seems like when there is nothing to look forward to, or when there is simply nothing to keep your mind occupied, the only thing it can do to keep itself sane is to reminisce.. images of the past keep flashing back.. scenes of training.. going out with squashers.. things like vivan, shoby, uncle latif, auntie anna,uncle zainal, jon teh, HUBERT hill etc.. haha.. whenever i see girls in RG uniforms, i feel this strong sense of longing and belonging.. this sense of.. perhaps pride? or just this sense of unknown feeling.. u can never feel it until u graduate from the school.. now i finally understand why we often received complains from old girls when we were in rg.. i guess the same feeling "instigated" them to complain.. haha.. used to wonder why they were so kapoh.. haha..

yep.. and my darling peter nicol has slipped to world no.3 .. sigh sigh.. wonder what happened! now thierry lincou is no.1 .. feng shui lun liu zhuan.. want him back on the pedestal again! gosh.. ong beng hee is no. 17.. these guys are full blown adults.. while i'm just an aborted embryo.. what an apt description! *wink*

__pondering* 9:53 AM :)

I hope you dance
Friday, January 28, 2005

Love this song.. :) its so inspirational.. i can imagine this beautiful graceful ballet dancer with long flowy hair dancing in the magical golden hues of the sunset.. in front of misty mountain ranges.. the wind brushing through her moves.. what a gorgeous sight.. another impossible scenario.. haha.. remember it was betty who introduced this song to me during sec 2? she wrote it in her book of songs.. wonder if betty still keeps such a book now.. and if she still writes poems and songs.. i don't now.. simply no inspiration.. can only think of sad things to write about.. haha.. ok.. i'm not so sadistic.. it's just that.. tragic things arouse the deepest emotions in me..

I Hope You Dance
(Lee Ann Womack featuring Sons Of The Desert)

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give fate a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making

Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
I hope you still feel small

When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

__pondering* 11:02 AM :)

Thursday, January 27, 2005

there are so many more pictures.. 100+ more.. if i can meet you guys.. then we can share it! its beautiful there.. unlike Singapore.. but the standard of living is so high its scary.. bah*..  Posted by Hello

__pondering* 11:58 PM :)

the tree whose apple inspired Newton's groundbreaking theory!! Posted by Hello

__pondering* 11:57 PM :)

mama-me-are in front of Hammersmith bridge which spans across River Thames Posted by Hello

__pondering* 11:56 PM :)

my fav sweater there.. Posted by Hello

__pondering* 11:56 PM :)

chelsea merchandise in chelsea megastore at Stamford Bridge! Posted by Hello

__pondering* 11:55 PM :)

punting along River Cam in Cambridge Posted by Hello

__pondering* 11:55 PM :)

the London Eye and the moon :) Posted by Hello

__pondering* 11:54 PM :)

the city centre in cam! :) Posted by Hello

__pondering* 11:53 PM :)

Christ's College.. *sigh* Posted by Hello

__pondering* 11:52 PM :)

an artiste and me at Covent Garden Posted by Hello

__pondering* 11:52 PM :)

Bukingham Palace.. where are the guards!?? Posted by Hello

__pondering* 11:52 PM :)

Trafalgar Square Posted by Hello

__pondering* 11:51 PM :)

mum and i in fron of the huge lion in Trafalgar's Square Posted by Hello

__pondering* 11:51 PM :)

the Equinox in london :) Posted by Hello

__pondering* 11:50 PM :)

see the BIG "Q" word?? :) Posted by Hello

__pondering* 11:49 PM :)

weird creatures

humans are weird creatures.

i wish i could compile this thing that has all the stanzas of songs i love..

FREAK. i just flared up at my sister again. FREAK. but i just hate the looks she gives me. that stupid look. that look like she's so innocent. crap. the things she says are so.. UGH. gosh. taught her, or rather, trying to teach her rotational symmetry. what the crap man. i wonder what crap their teacher taught them. please lah! i feel like writing a letter to her teacher, esp her maths teacher and ask that idiot to scram off la! what the hell is she doing to my sister's brain man! CRAP! all crap! what the crap! asking them to do stuff when she hasn't taught them! my sis doesn't even noe the difference between angle ABC and ABD la! what the freak! and my sis would come back and ask me all those stuff that are supposed to have been taught in class. the kinds of things that are so fundamental to understanding maths.. has that teacher forgot how she was being taught? she thinks that her students are geniuses? oh crap. i think i'd do much better as a teacher la. ok, perhaps not judging my horrific temper. but crap. MOE needs to carry out a more rigorous selection process for teachers. some of them are turning the brains of our next generation into crap. CRAP.

__pondering* 8:37 PM :)

i feel like my life is entangled in a web of lies. hopefully i get out of it soon.

i think that everyone needs a moral companion. somebody who shares the same values as you do, and is there beside you to remind you not to do the things that you disapprove of, and vice versa. sounds weird, but i realise that many times, we tend to do the very things that we disapprove of, either unconsciously or in the heat of the moment. Humans tend to see the wrongs in others, and not see the same bad traits in themselves, for example, there are many things that i told myself i will never ever do, and yet i still commit them and then regret about it. I am not a good watchman for my own behaviour. Guess some other like-minded person would do this task better. Haha.. Sounds far-fetched, actually simply impossible. But owell.. the powers of human imagination.

Wonder how UL is.. Pong.. Bx, Jess, Mich, Jam.. Hp is happily scooping ice cream and training her arm muscles.. :) dunno why i feel so lazy to take the initiative to message my girlfriends.. And to start calling up places for a job. Gosh.. The thing i hate most: grumbling about sth and yet not doing anything to help it. And i am committing that error again. h-a-h-a.

__pondering* 3:36 PM :)

Sunday, January 23, 2005

crap.. i'm coming down with a fever.. and i'm a cambridge reject.. joked to my mum that i was too good for cambridge in an attempt to break the news in a more lighthearted way.. god knows the real truth. i hate long flights.. and i hate coming back to reality.. its not fluffy like candy floss anymore.. cos i'm back on earth.. i will be alright.. i am alright..

i loved bridget jones.. she makes me laugh.. and comforts me in the knowledge that sha ren you sha fu.. but she is not real! in this world sha ren you sha fu ma? :( mei you. bah.

poor erkang and ziwei.. tragic separation.. i would rather die if i were ziwei.. agree with wad bx says.. losing your loved one transcends tears.. its just a void.. loves the way ziwei (or rather qiong yao) puts her sorrow across.. so poetic.. love the poetic, dream-like love of ziwei and erkang.. seems like she doesn't need to work or cook or do household chores.. (ok, there are maids..) but doesn't she feel so bored? bah.. ancient women love stoning..
love the fun, energetic love between yongqi and xiaoyanzi too.. its so pure and bubbly and full or energy.. but its sad too.. i can never stand another woman coming between me and my husband.. i'll just back off and let the two of them be happy. hmph!! tonight they're saving erkang.. i'm gonna cry till my eyes are swollen again..

and yes, you just read the blog of a pms-ing girl.

__pondering* 2:44 PM :)

hi my dearest gals.. i'm back.. from london.. feelin really horrible.. jetlag.. plus 14 hours of claustrophobia.. and i'm supersized now.. i really miss you guys so much.. so so muich.. wanna see you guys soon.. sigh..

as i sit down here, i bid farewell to my cambridge dream.. its particularly painful, given that i had just visited cambridge when i went to london.. saw the college i applied to, and the other colleges that i wished and prayed with all my heart will accept me through the pool.. but too bad.. when one is not up to that calibre, there is no use dreaming that far and aiming that high.. i'm just torn..

its finally getting to me.. yea.. but owell..

i feel stupid.. just like bridget jones.. thinking about some weird lofty ideas about being accepted by all my unis and having a hard time choosing.. think right now, i've gotta beg unis to accept me, not the other way round.. oh whatever..

weird pictures flashing in my mind now.. oh whatever.. whatever..

__pondering* 1:13 PM :)

OBK Journal
Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Journey of growth
It was my first time out of “Malaya”. I didn’t know what to expect, and I did not want to expect anything. I knew it would be tough, but OBK stretched me in a totally different way. It was a brand new experience I will never forget.

I still remember the person in charge asking us during the first briefing if any of us had been to cold countries before. I had naively asked if Genting Highlands was considered cold. Looking back, I feel so foolish. The cold in Genting was mild compared to that in Korea, where the temperature could drop to –20 degrees Celsius! Our ultimate challenge was to battle the cold, and that wasn’t an easy task for a tropical girl like me. I remember vividly the excitement I felt when I saw “smoke” coming from my mouth when I tried to speak, the amazement when I saw, for the first time, snow flakes drop from nowhere onto my face and hands, and of course the terrible sensation of your innards, muscles, basically everything within you shivering because it was too cold.

Sure enough, we got acclimatized to the weather in a couple of days, and the cold we experienced at the base camp became more and more bearable. The real challenge came during the expedition. The first day of the expedition was a killer. We hiked 9+ km and gained over 1.5km in elevation. Towards the middle of our journey, every step was a chore. Fatigue was clearly splashed over everybody’s faces. The hike up seemed painfully endless. Wooden steps, steep slopes, metal staircases and rocks came one after another. I hated the signs posted on the signboards, for one moment, we saw that we were 1.3km to the peak, after climbing up endless rocks and walking along endless trails for 45 minutes with our 10+ kg backpacks, we only covered 200m! It was really demoralizing for me, to put in so much effort and yet not get anywhere. Everyone tried to keep the spirits up. Those who could take it started to sing to lighten up the atmosphere, those who were too tired kept quiet and avoided complaining or saying things that would dampen everyone’s moods.

Taufik’s “I Dream” rang in most of our heads, especially mine. “ I dream.. I could fly.. Like the wind, and be strong.. When my heart, just wants to give in. I dream.. I could be.. the hero in me.. I dream.. I dream..” These words expressed my every emotion and were especially meaningful at that point in time. I wish I could fly over the ranges and rocks, over the hardship and pain, right to the mountain top. Sometimes, the idea of giving up flashed in my head, but I thought about why I wanted to join the course in the first place: to challenge myself, get out of my comfort zone, to learn to be independent and do something which would push my limits. I thought about how proud my parents would be of me, about how proud I would be of myself, and about the regrets I would feel if I fell out then, and I pushed on. Towards the end of that day’s hike, at the toughest part of the climb, tears came whenever I thought about my loved ones back at home. I don’t know why that thought evoked tears, but it just did. Deep down, I know that I would have never made it without my friends. They were the ones who motivated me and inspired me to go on. They pulled me up the rocks mentally and kept me sane when I was going bonkers. Friends are really the best assets one can have out of home.
We reached the shelter after being deceived by the signboards for umpteen times, but the greatest feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction for me did not come till the next day. Most of us woke up early the next day and began our hike up to Noinbong Peak to catch the sunrise. The hike up was tiring and trying. Once again, I wondered why I had foolishly wanted to subject myself to this unnecessary torture when I had the option of hiding in my sleeping bag to get more sleep.

The magnificent view from the peak took all these bad feelings away instantly. Sitting together with other peers and Koreans at the peak, listening to the Koreans cheer excitedly whenever the sky grew a wee bit brighter, I suddenly realized that I was going to catch the first sunrise of 2005! Feelings I don’t know how to describe stirred within me and overwhelmed me totally. I was on a high. I marveled at the wonders of nature, how something that has occurred everyday for millennia could be so beautiful when viewed from another perspective. The clouds were on the same level as I was. Right in front of me, a spectacular scene was unfolding. I watched as the golden lining of the clouds hiding the sun became brighter, bit by bit. The gradient of blue, orange and red in the sky blended together beautifully, just like how on the morning of the first day of 2005, Singaporeans, Koreans and perhaps people from some other nationalities had congregated to soak in the first light of year and share the wonderful moment together. The light from the sun, no matter how dim, warmed my heart as it cast a golden hue on the ridges and ranges beneath and around me. It was then that I saw the big picture. The end had seemed overwhelming. But if we focus on the small steps we have to take to reach the end, one by one, not getting impatient, determination unwavering, eventually, no matter how painful, we will reach our goals. The effort would be worth it in the end.

On the second day, we reached the highest point in our expedition. The warmth glowed in me as all 30 of us held hands and ran up the slope leading to the peak. Pictures were taken, and the pride and joy written across everybody’s faces were unmistakable. We pitched our tents in the “wild” that night. It was a new experience within the new experience itself. The winds were so strong in that valley that all of us slept in constant fear that our tents would be blown away in the middle of the night. The winds howled and charged around our tents, but all of us felt cosy and warm in our 2 layers of sleeping bags.

The third day was tougher than the second one. We trekked along unprotected mountain ridges. The wind literally swept us off our feet. It was hard to stay on the trail with wind blowing at you from awkward angles. All of us were walking with our bodies tilted at 45 degrees to the horizontal so that we would not be blown away. Ever so often, the strong wind would sweep up piles of sand in front of us and deposit it on our faces, giving us wind burns at the end of the day. ¾ way through the hike, our instructors “ditched” us, leaving us to figure out our way alone, and I was under instructions to feign leg injury. It was heartwarming to see my friends crowding around me, offering me helping hands. Some walked in front of me to protect me from the wind, some walked beside me and offered their hands. When the trail was wide enough to accommodate only one person, those supporting me walked on the rocky soil while I remained on the trail. Whenever the wind blew sand up, they would form a circle and huddle around me to protect me from the onslaught of the sand. One of the guys carried my 10kg backpack for the rest of the hike. All these gestures touched me deeply. Simple yet meaningful.

The rest of the journey was significant, but not as significant as certain parts. We finally rested in shelters where we could bathe, brush our teeth, wash our faces, sit on proper toilet bowls, sleep on proper beds for the first time in the many days we were there. We went to a small fishing village and witnessed life in a laidback sleepy town, something you can never find in hectic Singapore. We went to Seoul and experienced the hustle and bustle of Korea’s city life, and of course, shopped. Korea is vastly different from Singapore, yet I could see tinges of Singapore everywhere. Different in terms of terrain, landscape and weather, yet the city couldn’t escape the fate of westernization. They have preserved their culture in terms of language and eating utensils, yet significant portions of their culture have been lost through the homogenizing effect of globalization. I don’t see traditional Korean behaviour (I don’t know what it is anyway), instead, I see gestures I see in Singapore, in fact, everywhere. The way of life in Korea is inevitably different from Singapore’s because of differences in natural resources and weather. There are also many things you see in Korea that you don’t see in Singapore, for example fans that heat you up instead of cool you down. I spent my last day like a sponge, trying to soak in everything about “Cold-rea”-- the chill, the way the air smelt, the traffic lights, the people, the buildings, the shops, the trees, the pavements, the billboards, the zebra crossings, the subway, the food. It is simply amazing how things can be so different in another part of the world seven hours of flight time away from us.

This trip is definitely a great learning experience I will not exchange for anything else. I have learnt not the take the things around me for granted. The small luxuries in life, like proper toilets, basic hygiene, the warmth, not having to worry about food, not having to take 20 minutes to prepare your sleeping mat and bag before you can finally sleep, not having to squeeze in a small tent and not be able to turn properly, not having to sleep on cold ground with rocks poking into your back, not having cold feet when you sleep, being able to bathe… I have also learnt to treasure everyone around me, for life without your loved ones is unbearable. There are just so many things in life to be thankful about! Things that we have sadly taken as rights, not privileges. I hope that I will never ever forget to cherish them again. I will always remember the nights when the 15 of us huddled around 4 small stoves in the dim lighting of 2 gas lamps, laughing to the crazy antics of Valerie, gossiping, listening to David tell us about his adventures elsewhere, stoning, planning, packing, having night sessions with Ji Ho, eating kimchi and instant rice, lying on Mingquan’s hot water “bladder”, desperately shaking to warm up our hot packs… Among all these wonderful memories, I will never forget the words of wisdom our instructor, Ji-Ho, imparted to us.

Time will pass. No happiness of sadness will last forever. When you are sad, know that it will not last. When you are happy, savour it. File it away in an accessible place in you heart so that you can find it whenever you need to.” This experience will always be filed away in a safe place in my heart.

__pondering* 3:38 PM :)

the notebook
Sunday, January 09, 2005

just read [The Notebook] by Nicholas Sparks.. its a wonderful book.. so heart wrenching, so heart breaking.. so achingly sad.. i cried non stop.. the tears just came, uncontrollably.. i love books.. romance stories.. somehow i feel that books can bring out emotions and thoughts much better than movies can.. perhaps i am not one who can analyze.. but books are more touching and intriguing, for through the use of beautiful words, they can bring you into the depths of human emotions, make you understand what they are feeling, thinking about.. they tell you things, yet do not disclose too much, leaving you to imagine for yourself what everything might be.. leaving you to paint colours and life into the words, to imagine the characters some to life.. to imagine their joy, their pain, their sorrow.. that's the beauty of words.. the beauty of romance stories.. they move me to tears..

A letter that Noah wrote to Allie that summer when they had to leave each other:

The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe we've lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we've found each other. And maybe each time, we've been forced apart for the same reasons. That means that this good-bye is both a good-bye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come.
When I look at you, I see your beauty and grace and know they have grown stronger with every life you have lived. And I know I have spent every life before this one searching for you. Not someone like you, but you, for your soul and mine must always come together. And then, for a reason neither of us understands, we've been forced to say good-bye.
I would love to tell you that everything will work out for us, and i promise to do all i can to make sure it does. But if we never meet again and this is truly good-bye, I know we will will see each other again, and maybe the stars will have changed, and we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we've had before.

Poems he wrote for her..

I ne'er was struck before that hour
With love so sudden and so sweet,
Her face it bloomed like a sweet flower
And stole my heart away complete.

Be composed- be at ease with me...
Not till the sun excludes you do i exclude you,
Not till the waters refuse to glisten for you
and the leaves to rustle for you, do my
words refuse to glisten and rustle for you.

A letter he wrote to Allie when their son passed away.

In times of grief and sorrow, I will hold you and rock you, and take your grief and make it my own. When you cry, I cry, and when you hurt, I hurt. And together, we will try to hold back the floods of tears and despair and make it through the potholed streets of life.

A meaningful passage when Noah was sitting with Allie, accompanying her despite her losing her memory due to Alzheimers'..

We sit silently and watch the world around us. This has taken us a lifetime to learn. It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content. The young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence. It is a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. This is the great paradox.

The poems that he slip under Allie's pillow covers in hospital..

The body slows with mortal ache, yet my promise
remains true at the closing of our days,
A tender touch that ends with a kiss
will awaken love in joyous ways.

Our souls were one, if you must know
and never shall they be apart;
With splendid dawn, your face aglow
I reach for you and find my heart.

Once again, i hate the author for making love so unreal, so fantasy like.. This love is not totally perfect, for the ending is sad, but it is perfect in its own way, because i can never think of a love so deep and touching. Romance stories.. they make you have unreal expectations.. You've got to find a way to bring yourself back to earth after you read them.. Because life is not like a story.. Life is reality. And reality is seldom perfect.

__pondering* 1:07 PM :)

hihi peeps! i'm back! yep! back from korea! the cold land that is not english friendly.. the place with cultures vastly different from singapore's and yet i could see tinges of singapore everywhere.. :) have to write a journal about the trip and hand it in to Mr Kan.. although i kept a 40 page long journal, i've gotta condense it and remove some parts.. look out for it cos i'm gonna post it here too! haha.. i sound like some.. salesman.. bleahs.. once again, i feel that i've grown a lot.. much more independent than the baorong in jc.. korea taught me to rely on myself.. coming back home was such a great feeling.. i could almost imagine how those who always work overseas would feel when they touch down and first step onto the ground of singapore.. that feeling is so warm and exhilirating.. i was on such a high.. home is indeed where the heart is.. no matter how far you like to roam.

cambridge doesn't want me.. ok.. not that they don't want me.. just that i'm referred to the inter-college pool.. hopefully some other kind college wants lousy me.. yeah.. haha.. surprisingly, i did not cry.. even though my greatest wish was to enter cambridge.. guess i am just hanging on to the slimmest possibility that i will be accepted through the pool.. the real blow will come when i get rejected by the pool.. sigh.. don't wanna think of it.. congrats to audry, jiahui, selene and wang ning.. they got accepted by their respective colleges :) Congrats peeps! (though they won't get to read this.. haha)

another part of being independent comes from being separated from wang.. yep.. he's in army.. foxtrot company.. the day i sent him off to tekong wasn't teary or emotional.. i'm quite unfeeling.. haha.. army treats people better than outward bound does la! haha.. ok perhaps not.. we don't get addressed as cao recruits or maggots.. bleahs.. its quite sad that the phone doesn't beep anymore.. no one messages me except him.. how pathetic is that.. :( owells..

and i haven't gotten a job yet.. not even a tuition assignment.. quite sad.. i'm just living off my parents now.. but i haven't got a choice.. i'm leaving for london ALONE at 1.10am on 13th.. back on 23rd i think.. for my interview.. ONE interview.. the air tix is so ex.. i hope the other unis give me their reply soon.. so that i can go for all the interviews at one shot.. and not have to fly down another time.. burn money.. :( quite happy that i get to fly a lot this hols.. London's another experience for me to be independent.. sigh sigh.. though i much prefer to go with people.. bleahz..

think i'm complaining a lot.. bleahs.. that's me man.. now i've gotta settle the thousand of things i need to settle.. ciao! happy new year! (and did i tell u guys i got to watch the first sunrise of 2005 at a mountain peak 1.9km above sea level together with tonnes of other koreans? heh.. )

__pondering* 9:17 AM :)