Wednesday, October 10, 2007
hmmm..
emotional roller coaster for me..
i can always be my vulnerable self in front of wen phei and shera.. and that's comforting because its very tough being strong all the time.. thanks for being here gurls..
shera and i were talking about fate yesterday..
so is there such a thing as fate?
if u dun think that fate exists, or if u think that u can change fate..
maybe..
it is fate that you should think that way. maybe it is fate that u think u can change fate, that's why things turn out the way they do.. yeah, maybe that was all written in the stars.. who's to know?
and then, we were talking about medicine people today..
we came to a conclusion that medicine is such a serious profession, most people look so solemn.. so the moment u see a medical personnel who is bubbly and vibrant and gives u the feeling that he/she is fun to be with, you are immediately attracted to the person.. ya la, i guess that works for the both of us, and i guess wenphei too.. cos we are all crazy people haha..
was pangsayed by my cg mates today.. so i was the only one following ward rounds.. and somehow i was left alone with ccy while he was using radweb and he asked
"so what is your next posting?"
"er.. psych med i think"
"where is it?"
"i think mine's at NUH.."
"so how long is it?"
"err.. 8.. er.... i think its 4 weeks..."
"i though psych med is always 8 weeks?"
"errr i'm not too sure.. i haven't checked it out so im still blur.."
"why are you so blur?"
"errr.. cos i dun want to know too many things in advance haha"
"why? so u mean u dunno anything that is going to happen?"
"er.. i roughly know the time period.. so when the time is near then i check up the details.."
*ccy smiles a little* "so why? haha"
"escapism i guess? knowing too many things and knowing that many things are lined up ahead makes me very stressed so i rather not know too much and take things as they come.."
"so this escapism saves u from planning?"
"er it saves me from all the stress haha.."
*ccy looks at me bemused* *br blushes cos she just said a whole chunk of nonsense* *some MO comes and talks to ccy* *br heaves a heavy sigh of relief*
omg. that was a scary encounter. not cos it was really scary but cos it was the first time a consultant actually bothered to find out something personal about you.. it was nice but ya, i think i gave him a real bad impression cos i was stuttering all the time.. too nervous larhs. and yeah.. my escapism approach probably made him think im like an airhead haha. which is true, i feel like an airhead sometimes.. haha. ward rounds made me completely blur. i'm in a daze most of the time cos i dunno wads going on.. just totally switch off lo.. until ccy starts asking questions and then we cannot answer them haha.. i hope i improve soon.. quite demoralising sighs.
sigh.. sometimes i feel overwhelmed by all my flaws.. as the days go by, i find that i have so many so many flaws.. i mean, self-discovery is nice, but yeah, its not very exhilarating when all you find out are flaws about yourself.. its very demoralizing in fact.. all those thoughts of "oh my, why do i always do this? why do i always make the same kind of mistake? why do i always react this way in that kind of situation? why couldn't i have done some other thing? why can't i control myself? why am i like this?" etc etc.. i'm not hating myself dun get me wrong.. its just.. demoralizing that my flaws are so.. starkly obvious to me. and they just keep appearing and accumulating. and probably there are tonnes of other flaws that others have noticed but are too nice to tell me. sighs.
as i was walking down the NUS hill yesterday after the A&E visit for COFM project, i turned back, wanting to ask liwei sth.. and i found liwei and miriam deep in discussion for the cofm project with dr wong.. and suddenly this warm feeling emanated from my heart... it was this very nice feeling of "everyone is working hard for a common goal"..i think it sounds nicer in mandarin "da jia dou zai wei le yi ge gong tong de mu biao er nu li fen dou.." and i had this image of everyone busy slogging in their groups, and finally coming out with this brilliant presentation.. its this feeling of "collectivism" that makes the hard work all worth it..
i guess its the same when you look for a life partner.. its someone whom you "work" with side by side, striving for your common goals in life.. you need not be doing the same things, and you do not have to be physically together all the time, but in the end, the comfort and satisfaction stems from the common knowledge that both of you will be there supporting each other, lending a listening ear, giving a reassuring hug, when the going gets tough.. having someone in ur life serves as motivation for you to be a better person, makes you want to strive harder, because you know you are not alone on this journey, there is your special someone who is also striving hard, whom u need and who needs u too. you might be doing different things, but the spiritual support of that someone who shares your goal and who cares and understands just makes the experience different..
i have no idea why i am waxing lyrical about this when my test is tml.. haha.. i think psych posting is gonna be xiong.. got 2 writeups, got mcq test, got osce summore.. hais.! must really enjoy the 1 week break..!
i think i know why i am starting not to have so many aims and trying not to "want" so many things.. because wanting something and knowing that you cannot have it is very agonizing. very very agonizing. and wanting something and yet not being able to try your best to get it because it is not appropriate, is very very very agonizing too. so.. its best not to want anything. but that makes u a spineless person. aiyars.
time. i dunno if u shud hurry or slow down.
oh ya, horoscopes are not true. sigh shera!
lets hope all our wishes come true..
