Friday, July 13, 2007
a cool libra 1 exterior is less evidence of emotionlessness than an attempt to keep feelings under control...
hey i wish i am dreaming
hope this is all a bad nightmare
hope that when i open my eyes
i'll be back in my one-room flat in taman jurong
and then think to myself
"wow, i actually dreamt a super long dream of my future.."
and then get on with life
again, i understood the literal meaning of "heartwrenching"
of "xin suan"
its not an airy baseless term coined by people
it really does describe the exact state of the heart
those spontaneous bouts of tightening pressure in your heart
bouts of crying that are totally uncalled for
having tears well up in your eyes for no reason at all
that rolodex of images
that sinking feeling that those were the last times
that all those familiar things were going to be unfamiliar
the bottomless void that engulfs you
feeling so lost and not knowing what to do
feeling so alone in the world
not knowing who to turn to
those memories of the past that just pop up in my mind
the toilet, holiday inn hotel, the car, the room, the place where we ate porridge, zion road hawker centre, the friends, the couch, the image of him standing in the carpark waving and sending me off in my car.. the image of him doing it for the last time, the feeling of excitement on receiving his messages, on knowing i was gonna meet him later, the songs wen bie, a whole new world, him looking in the mirror in the lift.. the last hug, the way he ruffled my hair for the last time..the way everything seemed so easy.. the sinking feeling that it was the last time.. the trying to smile through it all, the misplaced optimism that i kept with me right from the start..
the tiffany necklace that i wear everyday and whose chain broke and i wanted to go get it fixed but now there's no need to anymore.. those feelings of disappointment that i tried to brush away so many times..
the scary thoughts of wanting to get myself drunk so that sleeping and waking up does not seem so scary..
reading past messages again..
wondering if i was self deluded
wondering if it was all real
wondering what went wrong along the way
trying to make sense of it all
trying to put everything in place..
i know eventually it will pass
and it probably is for the best
i understand your point of view
and i know deep down, though i refuse to admit it outright
that i am probably not the one for you
misplaced ridiculous disillusionment and optimism perhaps
what the patient said today is right
i am emotional
and when i get emotional and disregard logic
i get into trouble
but what's a relationship without emotions..
and yes
i want what i want immediately
i can't wait
this is so true
and now i want immediate relief
i want it all to pass
i hate time
i really hate you time.
i wanna hole up at home alone
but i am scared of being alone
oh crap
when did i become so weak.
everything will be fine
yes, everything will be fine..
once i get over the images..
the numerous last times
everything will be fine. :)
