_living each day*

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

:) life goes on...

gotta thank life for all the lessons it has given me
because yes, i've learnt.
and hopefully i wun repeat the same mistakes...

when i look back on my life 50 years from now
at least i can tell my grandchildren interesting stories
hahaha..
if i have grandchildren that is..

jia you isotope..
someday you'll find someone who appreciates all your sacrifices and cherishes you even more because of all that you're willing to do for him.. so dun let someone who takes u for granted get you down.. if he's not a worthy friend, then i guess there's not much point, you should just move on..

jia you bx..
must be brave, i know its hard, i know there's a lot of inertia, i know there's a lot of uncertainty.. i know its new territory, but you need that big bit of courage to break out of the cycle first, and things will just get better from then on.. and i know you're already making big improvements, even if you yourself dunno it.. dun be too hard on yourself.. our greatest critics are ourselves, you gotta forgive yourself sometimes ya? i love you and will always be here for you :)

__pondering* 6:57 PM :)

Monday, July 16, 2007

i shall strive to be more active with blogging! haha..

it was bena's birthday party on sunday!

happy birthday dear gurl!

and it was another great class outing! eric lost soso sososososo much weight, wang ning is funky as usual.. haha and the rest of us are just the same..

really nice talking to sang sang, wang ning and everyone else..

and yeps.. it was a very nice council outing on saturday.. got to see so many other ppl! no one really changed much.. haha.. and we had our little private girl's outing (selene+alina+me) at sel's house till late at night..

really enjoyed myself catching up with al and sel.. reminds me of our little walks ard the old rj track, sitting at the canteen tables talking..

thanks a lot to everyone who's been here for me.. i'm really very touched..

mich, joel, jess, betty, ryan, chor chor, bean, sang, kai lyn, wen kien, sel, al, bra, eugene, ning ning.. sorry if i missed anyone.. thanks so much guys and gals.. i really love you all.. :)

tan sisters! bena, sang, me!

sang sang, the great cook who prepared all the food single handedly for bean's party!

the great singer stephrene and hons!

the almost complete tan sisters shot (we're missing christelle unfortunately)

so3f forever! (spot the funky wang ning..!)

__pondering* 7:20 PM :)

Saturday, July 14, 2007

怎么能忘
时间多长
你快乐吗
想代替你回答

你知道吗
走了好远
我才能去面对
这份牵挂
沉默伤悲

你要的不是我
心碎的失去轮廓
曾经给你的感动
只是情绪的波动

能给的不是我
放任你沉溺自由
掩饰不了我的笨拙
就连说话都会颤抖
我被遗忘
在你遗忘的角落

I Will Go On Without Her
Like A Fool Who's Too Sure
I'm Like A Bird Who's Lost Her Wing
A Fire Without Its Flame
I Don't Know How To Be Strong
When My Love Has To Move On
I Am A Song Without A Soul..

__pondering* 11:22 AM :)

i thought i'll be fine
but i'm still hurting
especially in the mornings
and at nights
maybe all the time even..
its always there
and i dunno why i'm hurting too

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

__pondering* 10:38 AM :)

Friday, July 13, 2007

a cool libra 1 exterior is less evidence of emotionlessness than an attempt to keep feelings under control...

hey i wish i am dreaming
hope this is all a bad nightmare
hope that when i open my eyes
i'll be back in my one-room flat in taman jurong
and then think to myself
"wow, i actually dreamt a super long dream of my future.."
and then get on with life

again, i understood the literal meaning of "heartwrenching"
of "xin suan"
its not an airy baseless term coined by people
it really does describe the exact state of the heart
those spontaneous bouts of tightening pressure in your heart
bouts of crying that are totally uncalled for
having tears well up in your eyes for no reason at all
that rolodex of images
that sinking feeling that those were the last times
that all those familiar things were going to be unfamiliar
the bottomless void that engulfs you
feeling so lost and not knowing what to do
feeling so alone in the world
not knowing who to turn to
those memories of the past that just pop up in my mind
the toilet, holiday inn hotel, the car, the room, the place where we ate porridge, zion road hawker centre, the friends, the couch, the image of him standing in the carpark waving and sending me off in my car.. the image of him doing it for the last time, the feeling of excitement on receiving his messages, on knowing i was gonna meet him later, the songs wen bie, a whole new world, him looking in the mirror in the lift.. the last hug, the way he ruffled my hair for the last time..the way everything seemed so easy.. the sinking feeling that it was the last time.. the trying to smile through it all, the misplaced optimism that i kept with me right from the start..
the tiffany necklace that i wear everyday and whose chain broke and i wanted to go get it fixed but now there's no need to anymore.. those feelings of disappointment that i tried to brush away so many times..
the scary thoughts of wanting to get myself drunk so that sleeping and waking up does not seem so scary..
reading past messages again..
wondering if i was self deluded
wondering if it was all real
wondering what went wrong along the way
trying to make sense of it all
trying to put everything in place..
i know eventually it will pass
and it probably is for the best
i understand your point of view
and i know deep down, though i refuse to admit it outright
that i am probably not the one for you
misplaced ridiculous disillusionment and optimism perhaps

what the patient said today is right
i am emotional
and when i get emotional and disregard logic
i get into trouble
but what's a relationship without emotions..
and yes
i want what i want immediately
i can't wait
this is so true
and now i want immediate relief
i want it all to pass
i hate time
i really hate you time.

i wanna hole up at home alone
but i am scared of being alone
oh crap
when did i become so weak.

everything will be fine
yes, everything will be fine..
once i get over the images..
the numerous last times
everything will be fine. :)

__pondering* 10:37 PM :)

empty
lost
a sudden void
fear
heartaches that come on for no reason
images of the past
and then the knowledge that they'll probably only exist in my memories from now on
when things start to hit me
start to register
that it was the last time
that things have changed..
how can life go on like any other normal day when its just not normal anymore?

__pondering* 9:34 AM :)