Sunday, May 13, 2007
halos all!
know it's been a very long time since i last updated my blog..
so many things have been happening.. so many feelings i've been experiencing.. so many things i'm discovering..
would just like to thank my wonderful cg mates eugene and bra for always being there.. like when i really need some human connection cos everyone around me are too busy..when i need some escaping from reality, when i need to bitch, when i need some advice and perspectives.. just to be there.. they're really a blessing.. med sch and life would be so so different without them.. its just amazing how 3 people who have never met before med sch can become so comfy ard each other and just show our anal, anti, wadever sides to each other haha.. :) so if u guys happen to read this, thanks a million!
i've come to realise that i cannot be alone. i really get super super depressed when left alone..alone need not mean solitude.. one can feel alone in a crowded place too.. i need people around me, not just any random person, i need someone i'm comfortable around, someone who's MY friend, someone who sees me as important and shows it, just like how i see him/her as important too.. ie. i need attention, i just dun like the feeling of being left out.. and what compounds that problem is that i am not that sociable by nature.. i can talk a lot, be chummy to ppl i'm familiar with, but with an unfamiliar crowd, i feel totally helpless and lost. just shrink into my own little corner and hope for the warmth of some familiarity.. and it basically just goes on a downward spiral.. yeah, it all boils down to feeling left out again..that's why i dun like to attend events without my close friends.. i'm not that kind who can sit quietly in a group and observe other people, analyze their personalities from their inter-personal skills etc.. i need to be included.. so i guess the worst mental punishment i can ever be dealt with is to be left out and left alone.. weakness exposed, oh no. haha..
well well.. feeling pensive and moody today i guess.. seems like that's the feeling i have the majority of the time i'm blogging haha.. many many thoughts in my mind, and they are all random.. disrupting my date with tally o'connor..
ignorance can really be bliss.. when some things are made too clear, you can't escape or pretend they dun exist anymore..
i dunno..
i'm starting to not understand what people expect of me..
i'd like to think i've always been rather accomodating.. i try my best to please everyone.. i mean.. i've come to realise that that's intrinsically me, cos i dun like conflict or disharmony.. it can be a strength, but its also a weakness..
my character becomes so fluid.. i'm like this puppy, so eager to please.. and i forgo many of my own wants just to make others happy.. when i dun give in, others are unhappy, and that kind of open displeasure and bad vibes really kill me.. when i give in, others are happy, and i am really glad for the harmony and happy vibes, but there will come a time whereby i cannot suppress those bubbling undercurrents within me anymore.. and even if those undercurrents are transiently suppressed, they inevitably resurface from time to time and make me reflect and confused and not know what to do..
hopefully time will bring me answers.. but first, time has to reveal to me the questions i need to ask..
for now, i shall just be contented. because i am already so lucky to have a healthy body and mind.
adios!
