Sunday, March 11, 2007
i was suddenly reminded of Homer's Troy in turkey..
the 9 cities built on top of each other..
i remember it was the place all of us disliked.. because we could make no sense out of anything at all.. everything was just in a mess.. the 9 civilizations' debri just piled unsystematically on top of each other..
its just like the way many of us choose to face our problems.. we try to sweep everything into a remote recess at the back of our minds.. and then everything just keeps piling and piling..
and one day when the ground just can't bear the weight no more and everything crumbles..
its really not a pretty sight to take in.. things all tangled up.. hardly able to differentiate one from another.. so.. either solve the problem, or get on with life and stop, as in really stop thinking about it.
i really wonder whether i'm trodding down the right path in life.
if i hate, as in really hate anatomy, pharmaco and microb so so so so much, how am i suitable to be a doctor?
docs should be loving what they are studying.
so that they are able to rattle off the knowledge without even thinking.
how am i fit to be a doc when i'm hating the subjects that are so fundamental to my chosen profession? maybe i made a wrong choice this time round..
i think i have been so so so sheltered in my life..
part of me is thankful for it,
but the other part wonders what i'm missing out in life..
wonders what kind of person i will be after going through the trials and tribulations of a hard life..
i always believe the toughest circumstances bring out the best (and of course the worst) in everyone..
and yet i dread tough times.. i dread what might present when/if my smooth-sailing life comes to a grinding halt.
i ought to learn to embrace challenges and difficulties like my dear does..
talking to him always fills me with wonder how someone can relish challenges so much..
sure, what he talks about.. like.. university life as a journey of pursuit of knowledge, seeing projects as gaining knowledge on the world.. etc etc. do cross my mind.. and of course i try my best to think that way.. but unlike him, my conviction in these mantras wax and wanes..
i tend to get too bogged down by the little little things.. afterall, you can't see beyond the s**t when you are stuck in a pool full of that. its only when you/time has successfully carried you above all the troubles that you can look back and be grateful for that precious learning experience. yeah.. basically i'm just impressed by his attitude and his concentration.. must learn must learn..
i think i've always chosen the easier way in life..
perhaps giving myself one too many excuses to try out other things..
telling myself "this is me. this is my character. i can't help it!"
i dunno how i am gonna change that..
gotta try figure this out.
i wish i have a place i can go when i am feeling upset or pensive..
u noe.. in all the dramas etc.. when the character is upset, somehow he/she will end up at this scenic place where he/she can think and cry and sob.. and emerge stronger than before, with a new decision, with a new conviction, a new plan.
for hk dramas it'll be that moutain.. forgot the name..
for the semi urban shows it'll be some ulu corner facing some water body..
in ang moh shows it'll be somewhere near the sea..
in singapore it'll be long car drives with the windows wound down..
hey man..
i want a corner in singapore to call my own.
besides my house that is.
i want to be out there in sync with nature.
to think beneath the starry skies and figure out my life with the breeze fingering through my hair..
i am so so so afraid to close my eyes.
so afraid for the day to end.
because i know when i open my eyes again and the day begins..
that's when the nightmare begins.
