Sunday, February 05, 2006
the day started out not too bad... went over to wang's house to bai nian.. drove there.. quite an experience.. then we headed to my home.. and along the way popped by creative to repair her sister's mp3 player.. its very nice to spend time with someone i cherish so much.. eternity doesn't seem enough. but well.. then came the "washing car" episode.. sigh.. i really dun understand my dad sometimes.. why he can just blow up for no rhyme or reason, over something that seems so trivial and insignificant. my sister just asked him for a 2 pin plug so that she could operate her music player by main electricity instead of batteries, and he just lost it. just totally lost it. ok, maybe not totally. but its the same thing that i have seen repeat itself over and over again. something that i hate. something that i fear myself will become because i have been exposed to it too much. he has to make everyone so unhappy over such a trivial thing. and why are we unhappy? because he is angry. he is THE big guy. he is THE guy who has veto power over everything we do. he is THE one whom everyone must obey, or risk incurring his wrath. he is THE ABSOLUTE POWER that everyone has to bow their heads down to. when he says 1, you can't say 2. even if it is the obvious truth. if he thinks it is wrong, you have to think it is wrong, even if everything is in the right place. if he is unhappy, you can't be happy, because THE ABSOLUTE POWER is not happy, how can anyone else be? he is THE one who is always so busy and has no time to spare, whereas the time of everyone else is for him to organize at his own whim and fancy. he is THE one who can be angry with someone, but no one can be angry with him, because he is the sole breadwinner of the family.
i have no idea if this is called abuse. it is not physical abuse. but in my opinion, it definitely is mental abuse. my mum is under constant stress, not knowing what he is about to do next, not knowing what catastrophe is going to erupt the next moment. not knowing what will happen next to make him lose it again. his black face is enough to stress up the whole house. he is just like this old fossilized stone age creature. stubborn, lodged in the rocks, ancient, conservative, can't be changed anymore. i wish something can happen, and make him a better dad. i am very tired of living under his tyranny. although he does not beat us up, but i can tell, playing all these stupid mental games with him is wearing the whole family out, slowly and gradually. who knows what might happen some day in the future.
but well. i am just sad. sad that i have a dad who has to replay the situations he meets at work in his house, and force his family members to go through the angst and frustration he had to go through. why..
there goes my plan to study and catch up with work, because i have to help mum prepare all the stuff to pray.. and why? because some person only knows how to eat and sleep, and doesn't know how to lend a helping hand when the whole house is in a frenzy. and i absoultely have to add. this person seemingly has no manners. while people are still busy bring out the dishes, distributing the soup, yada.. ie everyone is busy preparing for dinner, this person can just sit down and start eating, oblivious to all the hustle happening around him. and he can ask the maid to eat, but never pay attention to the poor lady who has been there slogging hard for him, washing his clothes, cooking his meals, cleaning his house, all for no recognition, and all just because i think she made a mistake by signing on the dotted line at fort canning hill some many years ago.
she is one lady i have absolute respect for. because she has endured all these crap for so many years, just for us, her children. if i was in her shoes, i would have just slapped that guy and divorced him. who cares about him. irritating.
