_living each day*

Monday, February 20, 2006

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all my childish fears..
if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
cos your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone..

let me forget the taste of freedom, so that i can get used to the imminent days of ploughing through the myraids of words and infinite limits of wisdom.

arrrgh.

i tried so hard
and got so far
but in the end
it doesn't even matter
i had to fall
to lose it all
but in the end
it doesn't even matter

bah.

__pondering* 12:06 AM :)

impact wisdom tooth!!!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

from 3 days ago, i started having weird tastes in my mouth.. was rather disturbed.. so i went online to check.. googled in "weird taste mouth"..

first entry ".......if you have weird taste in your mouth, you might be pregnant! don't be scared out of your wits.........."

oh ok... guess what.. i found out that google was telling the "truth"......

take a good look at this picture!!! the xray of my baby! look at the beautiful alveolar border and alveolar processes of MY mandible!! and look at my 1st molar on the extreme right, my 2nd molar in the middle, and my *drum roll* 3rd molar on the extreme left!!! ok, for those who dunno, the 3rd molar is the wisdom tooth.. wisdoom tooth maybe.. yes.. i'm "pregnant with a wisdom tooth.. :( haha.. the dentist got real excited when she saw this.. she beckoned all her nurses over to look at my x-ray..

"look!! what a big tooth! look at it!" *point point point*

*baorong tilts her head over and looks at the x-ray*

oh, *points* its this one? oh, its really very big?

nurses: "yeah! very big!" *in unison*

ok.. fine.. haha.. my body is amazing.. when they were teaching about the cardiovascular system.. i felt palpitations.. when they were teaching respiration, i felt dyspnea.. and now when prof ling is teaching us the nerves in the infratemporal fossa... this eruption of the wisdoom tooth at weird angles, compressing on the other teeth in front and causing pain, has to occur to me! haha.. its rather amazing eh?

its a horrible feeling.. i feel like i have had a stroke that affected the right part of my face.. my whole buccinator is like.. feeling super weird.. feel as though when i smile, only my right cheek muscle is being raised.. and when i do not smile, my left (the affected side) cheek muscle is raised to partially occlude my already very small eyes.. the dentist said they'll have to do a 400 dollar surgery to remove the tooth.. and i shud recover, fastest, in 1 week... boooo... imagine.. can't talk for 1 week.. wincing in pain.. can't smile.. alamak.... *shudders* and if they happen to do something to my facial nerve or lingual nerve.. aiyoyo........

having this impact wisdom tooth is just horrible la.. bah bah bah bah bah.. now i know why i have been having weird tasting saliva in my mouth.. i think my lingual nerve is being compressed ah.. taste fibres from the anterior 2/3 of my tongue is affected..

okok.. i'm very sorry for blabbering all these anatomy stuff.. i'm just very excited(if you can call it being excited..) by this correspondance of what i'm learning now to reality. bah.

may the teeth happy and well.. and stop causing all these weird sensations in my mouth! i want a normal mouth!!!!!!

__pondering* 4:43 PM :)

you..

Sunday, February 12, 2006

looking at this makes everything worth it...

__pondering* 11:33 AM :)

blogs

Saturday, February 11, 2006

i have met many friends who ask "i don't see what's the point of having a blog"
and then those skeptics around them will reply "aiyah, its just a tool to seek attention la.. they will deliberately write some controversial stuff and make everyone talk about them"

i beg to differ. i do not deny that some blogs are set up for that purpose, well, then they are just the black sheep that have dragged the rest down with them..

i think that blogs are avenues for people to express feelings that they can't express in words, face-to-face. it is a way to express your feelings when those feelings do not seem to fit into anywhere, any situation in real life. it is a way to let people understand you when it is hard to describe the reasons of your actions in real time. it allows you to be heard, when those sentences would have been interrupted by comments and rebuttals when they materialize verbally. it allows people to know what is going on in their friends' lives. some comments can serve as food for thought.. experiences from other people that we can learn and draw lessons from. incidents that serve as a reflection and let us think of what we want, and do not want, to be. most importantly, it allows some people to sort out the myraid of emotions entwined and swirling in their heads.. reconcile their emotions with reality, and come out with something constructive from the intangible mess within. of course there are cons.. but nvm, grab any skeptic and they can give you thousands. no need for more elaboration here.. haha.

oh my this seems like a gp entry.. i feel as though my gp skills have improved after i graduated from jc and have no real need for gp skills. seems like i am better able to think and see more sides of issues when i am not forced to do them academically. owellz.... :P

the past week has made me realise something that i always have an "idea" of, but never fully "realised".. i think i am rather unfeeling.. or maybe to put it correctly, i express certain emotions when there is no need to, and i do not express certain emotions when i am supposed to. i have no idea why i get all worked up over drama serials, but become cold and unfeeling when seemingly similar situations happen in real life.. sometimes, i wonder if i am capable of certain feelings. some feelings are just so hard to grasp and understand. i wonder if that is the most intense i am able to feel, or is there something further along the spectrum.. i wonder if the root of it all is that deep down, i am a very selfish person. and that leads me to question the path i have chosen. if i am selfish, then why have i chosen a path that requires me to look after the welfare of others? this is so wrong. seems like i'm tumbling down the wrong road. sometimes i think i understand myself more than how the rest understand themselves, but sometimes i find that i don't know myself at all. am i judging myself too harshly? or is there really something wrong? wish i could delve into the mind of others and experience the emotions they go through.. i am certain that would enable me to know what certain feelings feel like..

enough enough.. dun worry i'm not depressed.. just in a reflective mood.. have a great week ahead peeps.. and esp to wang, brother and my dearest 3stanis around me who are experiencing tough times.. when there's a shadow, it means that a source of light somewhere :) endure and you will find. love you all.

__pondering* 12:49 PM :)

A Dozen Roses Throughout The Day

Friday, February 10, 2006

Last Valentine’s Day I was out of town working and would not be returning home until the night before the big day. I purchased a dozen roses on my way home and had them individually wrapped. Upon arriving home at about 2:00 AM the morning of the 14th I jumped on the computer and searched for 12 Valentine’s Day poems. I neatly bordered each poem and printed them off placing a poem with each red rose. Before my wife woke up to start her day I dropped off a rose and a poem at the day care, our boy’s school and video store. When she woke up I gave her a rose and a poem. Then each one of my boys gave her a rose and a poem making it 3. I had to run out, so she arranged to drop of the youngest at the day care across the street on her way to work. She found a 4th rose on the seat of her car, received a 5th one from the teacher at the day care and a 6th one from my older son's teacher. On her way to work she dropped off a video and received a 7th rose and poem. I was two steps ahead of her and dropped another rose and poem off at the cleaner's which she collected later, the 9th one was on her desk at work. She received a 10th one at lunch. The 11th was given to hear by a friend at a evening meeting with the message your husband asked me to give this to you. The final rose was waiting for her on our bed when she arrived home after a long day…

awwww.. how sweet is that..

__pondering* 6:35 PM :)

Sunday, February 05, 2006

the day started out not too bad... went over to wang's house to bai nian.. drove there.. quite an experience.. then we headed to my home.. and along the way popped by creative to repair her sister's mp3 player.. its very nice to spend time with someone i cherish so much.. eternity doesn't seem enough. but well.. then came the "washing car" episode.. sigh.. i really dun understand my dad sometimes.. why he can just blow up for no rhyme or reason, over something that seems so trivial and insignificant. my sister just asked him for a 2 pin plug so that she could operate her music player by main electricity instead of batteries, and he just lost it. just totally lost it. ok, maybe not totally. but its the same thing that i have seen repeat itself over and over again. something that i hate. something that i fear myself will become because i have been exposed to it too much. he has to make everyone so unhappy over such a trivial thing. and why are we unhappy? because he is angry. he is THE big guy. he is THE guy who has veto power over everything we do. he is THE one whom everyone must obey, or risk incurring his wrath. he is THE ABSOLUTE POWER that everyone has to bow their heads down to. when he says 1, you can't say 2. even if it is the obvious truth. if he thinks it is wrong, you have to think it is wrong, even if everything is in the right place. if he is unhappy, you can't be happy, because THE ABSOLUTE POWER is not happy, how can anyone else be? he is THE one who is always so busy and has no time to spare, whereas the time of everyone else is for him to organize at his own whim and fancy. he is THE one who can be angry with someone, but no one can be angry with him, because he is the sole breadwinner of the family.

i have no idea if this is called abuse. it is not physical abuse. but in my opinion, it definitely is mental abuse. my mum is under constant stress, not knowing what he is about to do next, not knowing what catastrophe is going to erupt the next moment. not knowing what will happen next to make him lose it again. his black face is enough to stress up the whole house. he is just like this old fossilized stone age creature. stubborn, lodged in the rocks, ancient, conservative, can't be changed anymore. i wish something can happen, and make him a better dad. i am very tired of living under his tyranny. although he does not beat us up, but i can tell, playing all these stupid mental games with him is wearing the whole family out, slowly and gradually. who knows what might happen some day in the future.

but well. i am just sad. sad that i have a dad who has to replay the situations he meets at work in his house, and force his family members to go through the angst and frustration he had to go through. why..

there goes my plan to study and catch up with work, because i have to help mum prepare all the stuff to pray.. and why? because some person only knows how to eat and sleep, and doesn't know how to lend a helping hand when the whole house is in a frenzy. and i absoultely have to add. this person seemingly has no manners. while people are still busy bring out the dishes, distributing the soup, yada.. ie everyone is busy preparing for dinner, this person can just sit down and start eating, oblivious to all the hustle happening around him. and he can ask the maid to eat, but never pay attention to the poor lady who has been there slogging hard for him, washing his clothes, cooking his meals, cleaning his house, all for no recognition, and all just because i think she made a mistake by signing on the dotted line at fort canning hill some many years ago.

she is one lady i have absolute respect for. because she has endured all these crap for so many years, just for us, her children. if i was in her shoes, i would have just slapped that guy and divorced him. who cares about him. irritating.

__pondering* 8:04 PM :)

thankful

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

as i learn more and more about the body and how it functions, i never fail to marvel at how delicately the whole system is constructed. how the effects of everything seem to act through immaculately controlled and painfully planned mechanisms. how the different systems work in perfect harmony for the better good of the greater whole. in healthy people that is.

and as i read up on diabetes mellitus for pbl tomorrow, i find myself whispering thanks over and over again in my heart to the greater being, if he/she exists, for giving me this precious gift that most people do not cherish, until they fall ill, and then banish it to the bottom of their priority list when they get well again. health. what a priceless asset. thanks once again.

__pondering* 10:43 PM :)