_living each day*

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

hi peeps. i am very very sorry for that outburst during the previous entry. and perhaps on jess' tag. dui bu qi.. really sorry.. and really thanks for all the tags.. warmed my heart..

its part of pms no doubt. but ya, baorong has retarded reaction. she is a weird personality. when things are not bright and cheery, she goes thru it smiling, roughing it out smoothly, or so it seems. but sometimes, once in a pink moon, those engulfed feelings surface. she thinks. she reflects. she thinks of what all those words, gestures, actions, whatever, mean. and then she thinks of how she could have done better, and then sighs. she thinks of all things past, and she gets frustrated. she starts to analyze things for once and then get disappointed by the results. oh whatever, am i exaggerating? summary: un-happyfying thing happens. dun feel unhappy. pretend to not be bothered. swallow feelings. swallow too much. cannot digest. reverse peristalsis. all come to the surface. no choice have to look at them. unsightly things to look at. think. feel not happy. yep.

but its true. sometimes i feel transparent. i wish i can see myself from the viewpoint of others. see what they think of me. that'd be great.

i dunno. perhaps this might be a result of inward directed agression. cos of those kids.
or perhaps the result of so many things lah. i dunno what things also lah. i shall try to sound happier on my next entry. seems like its at night that all these yucky stuff surface.

__pondering* 10:35 PM :)