Saturday, May 14, 2005
been reliefing in rulang.. screaming at kids who don't listen to you.. watching brother bear, peter pan and the incredibles with them and having to entertain their many "ms tan can i go toilet", then followed by the guys putting their hands obscenely at their privates and saying "i very urgent", and a few seconds later, hear elephant steps and feel the ground shake. i will train my boy next time not to touch his ahem when he needs to go to the toilet urgently.. blearghx.
anyway, dance night last night was FANtastic!!! all the dances were so brilliant! looking at them, i wish i am both an athlete and a artiste.. like mingjing (piano) and pam (dance).. someday, i wish to be able to perform on stage.. dance, sing, act, whatever.. will that wish ever come true? sigh.. there was this overwhelming sense of envity.. i wish i could move my body in those sensual elegant ways, firing people's imagination and anticipation.. the ballets, hiphop, chinese, modern dances, abstract dances.. they were so great! i wish i could dance!!!!! but the latin dance was the best! oh my god.. heidi is SO SO hot i tell you! i look at her dance, i get so so high.. the energy and grace emcompassed in the hot twists and turns.. its just so so sexy! i just kept gushing to choryen and pam, "heidi is SO HOT!!! so sexy!!!".. haha.. i wonder if i am a guy or a girl sometimes.. i guess.. why i am so full of admiration is because deep down, there's this wish that i can dance like her someday.. when that "someday" will come, i have no idea.. perhaps in my next life? ok.. to conclude the paragraph on dance night, i only have one thing to say, heidi's latin dance was SUPER sexy and hot. *sizzlezzzzz*
looking back at this whole break, i find that i have accomplished nothing.. looking back at my whole life, i feel that i have not accomplished anything either.. what is the meaning of "accomplishing something"? sometimes, i wonder what's the point of learning when in the end, your knowledge dies with you, buried in the grave or cremated.. or worse, being gnawed away by alzheimer's.. wouldn't it be great to live this life carefree, not worry about anything, do anything and everything you want. and i wonder why is there life in the first place.. why do man exist? what is the purpose of life's existence? why is there earth? why is there the universe? have you thought about it? why? i don't know why! so man exist to kill animals? i mean, what's the use? i wonder why i exist.. this is a very complicated feeling.. i do not know how to put that down in words.. it's just weird.. what purpose do we serve by existing? this is not just the simple question of what is the meaning of my life.. but.. the meaning of life as applied to the whole of living kind.. why are we here???
reader's digest says.. live the moment. i totally agree.. but i do not know how to.. my soul is restless.. wanting to do something that has not come to my mind yet. how to live the moment? we always read stories urging us to "do what you have to do now, say what you really mean now, for you never know if tomorrow will actually come".. yes, right after reading those touching stories, there's this overwhelming swell of emotions, but how many actually act on these emotions? there are too many restraints in reality.. transparent cages restricting your actions.. man cannot do or say whatever he wants because he might hurt someone in the process. its disgusting sometimes how all of us are so intricately linked.
i want change. i need change. i don't know how to change. too much intertia. too little company. too many uncertainties.
