Saturday, March 26, 2005
went to pasir ris and accompanied wang to ocs at safti yesterday.. safti is really huge.. you've really got to walk a long distance to get from the bunks to the entrance/exit.. poor guys.. i saw a few female cadets.. and that got me thinking.. would i be able to put up with that kind of harsh training? running, doing all the shooting, SOC, field camps.. but i guess, it is never the kind of life i want, so there's not much use thinking in that direction. its amazing how something will unravel when you move on.. time never stops.. there's always something happening tomorrow, even doing nothing is something.. right now i'm bumming again.. i think my expectations are just too too high.. hate it.. should learn to let it go.. sheryl crow's song goes: it's not getting what you want, it's wanting what you've got.. i've got so many things, so what is it that is missing? ok i know, it's a fulfilling job.. let me add something. a fulfilling temporary job. being a doctor would be meaningful, no doubt about that. but, what about now??!
one of my friends told me, if i can't afford to go to UCL, i might as well stay in Singapore instead of going to Melbourne, cos what for burn so much money and eventually settle for a not so good school just to experience an overseas education and life. huge dilemma.. Loke Cheng Kim is really hard to get. i heard only 1 person gets it per year, and i have no doubts about the quality of the students who are applying for it. i just hope all those who are applying for this as a backup will back off and not rob others of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity..
well, anyway, i hope i can become more active.. not in the physical sense (ok maybe in that too), but emotionally.. i realise that i am very passive about what happens at home. i see my irritating dad bullying my poor mum, but i dun do anything about it.. ok i tried. but no use. there are so many things i can do right? (like asking my dad to see a counsellor) but my dad is a stick in the mud.. maybe mud is not sticky enough.. he's a stick in tar.. he will never change. his irritating behaviour is putting me and my sis off. imagine this petty man waging a cold war (that lasts for 1 month plus) with my mum just because my mum was trying to teach the maid to do something properly? he says: dun scold the maid! later she poison you in your food or murder you. you not happy, tell me! i will tell her off. and when my mum does tell him what's wrong, he says my mum is too picky and that if she is unhappy, she should just go choose another maid. i mean.. isn't he putting my mum in a difficult position? if u dun teach, she will never learn! so? he's irritating.. i am too lazy and angry to type out the whole story.. but to give you an idea of his pettiness.. previously, he cold warred with my mum for 1 month plus again cos my mum told him politely that it was time for dinner and that the rice was already on the table when he was in the room typing something. and after that he just lost it! blared and flared at the dinner table! and then called his sis in msia and poured his sarcasm everywhere "sis, i really want a peaceful home when i get home, but.. " oh well! who the hell is NOT giving you a peaceful home? idiot! is someone asking you to eat dinner rioting? FREAK YOU! so? is having a cold war at home called a peaceful home? F YOU LA. THIS IS NOT THE HOME I WANT! GET LOST! I WANT ANOHTER DAD! WHO ARE YOU TO BULLY MY MUM? this is called MENTAL ABUSE! irritating petty conservative man who is a stick in tar. i know i am sinning by scolding my dad. but i carn be bothered. he is SO WRONG. although he is nice to me, but he is not nice to my MUM! and that makes him my enemy. FREAK. just because he is the one earning money, he thinks he is GOD. he thinks he is superior to my mum. oh what a freak. when i tell him to take a break and go for a holiday, he flares up at me. when i tell him to try something new, he flares up too. when i joke with him, he takes it seriously and scolds me. crap. when he comes home, the whole house turns quiet, cos nobody knows what is his definition of a PEACEFUL home. a quiet home that is exploding from the tensions beneath the surface calm. what i want is a bubbly home where everyone can speak their minds and discuss matters. a funky home with understanding parents. WHY IS HE LIKE THAT? get lost you petty man. YOU NEED A PSYCHOLOGIST.
