_living each day*

Friday, March 11, 2005

for a fleeting moment today, i felt lost. afraid it was going to revert to that period when life was "meaningless" cos i had nothing to do. i can feel it coming. though i managed to put that scary thought aside by comforting myself that i am going to have an OG outing tomorrow, i know that sense of loss and bewilderedness will engulf me soon enough. actually its all my fault. seriously, i know it. my expectations are too high. and i am a "commitmentphobic". why am i still unable to land myself a job? cos i am afraid of commitment. i dun wanna commit myself to a job which is boring and meaningless. i feel lazy to wake up so early in the morning and travel. i hate fretting over what to wear cos my wardrobe is so pathetically limited. i hate having to shop for clothes cos then, i have to come to terms with my exponentially increasing flabs. i dislike the routine of working. going through the same motion day after day. doing things that do not matter eventually. i am afraid of the routine. i want to work whenever i feel like it. i want something exciting and meaningful. i want something fun. something which i can give my all from within. ok, i sound ridiculous. my expectations are unrealistic. which explains why i am still unemployed at home. i might have mapped out my course of study, but i have not decided how to spend these few months meaningfully. perhaps i should go volunteer at some place. then my commitophobia comes into play.. *bah* should kill myself for being such a troublesome girl. i have the perfect life. what am i grumbling about? *shoots myself in the head* oh gosh i'm such a burden. i am simply too lazy to do anything. wake up baorong!!!!! get your butt off that chair! look for a job! ok.. i shall look for a job after march hols? but i wanna go on a holiday! .. in conclusion, i am living in fear everyday. fear of so many things.. sigh.

__pondering* 10:32 PM :)