_living each day*

sophie's world

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

sophie's world is quite a handful.. giving me cellulose indigestion.. its really creative how the author introduces the mystery of hilde to spice up the philosophy lesson.. i'm less than halfway through the book, but i'm determined to continue ploughing thru the book.. the book is really taking me quite long to read.. it's been a couple of weeks.. really quite hard to digest the info inside.. :)

descartes today..
"i think, therefore i am"

To him, life was a dream. He doubted everything, and that was the only thing he was certain of. But now something struck him: one thing had to be true, and that was that he doubted. When he doubted, he had to be thinking, and because he was thinking, it had to be certain that he was a thinking being. Or, as he himself experssed it: Gogito, ergo sum, meaning " I think, therefore i am".

Descartes then asked himself if there was anything more he could perceive with the same intuitive certainty. He came to the conclusion that in his mind he had a clear and distinct idea of a perfect entity. This was an idea he had always had, and it was thus self-evident to Descartes that such an idea could not have originated from one who was himself imperfect, he claimed. Therefore the idea of a perfect entity must have originated from that perfect entity itself, or in other words, from God. That God exists was therefore just as self-evident for Descartes as that a thinking being must exist.

Descartes meant that we all possess the idea of a perfect entity, and that inherent in that idea is the fact that this perfect entity must exist. Because a perfect entity wouldn't be perfect if it didn't exist. Neither would we possess the idea of a perfect entity if there were no perfect entity. For we are imperfect, so the idea of perfection cannot come from us. The idea of God is innate.

so, that is how Descartes came to a conclusion that he, and God exist. During the Baroque period, many people felt that life was like a play, or a dream, they did not know what was real, and what was not. Hence, Descartes had cleverly came out with this funny yet true logic to justify the existence of this reality and of God. On first sight, it sounds ridiculous, but i guess i will never have the intellectual capacity to link all these so intricately together. Cheers to Descartes and all the other philosophers!

__pondering* 10:53 PM :)

Monday, March 28, 2005

ah freak.. just lost the post that i took 1 hr to type..
maybe it wasn't meant to be
i shouldn't have complained so much in that blog..
but owells just to let you know
i hate people who dun disclose things over the phone and then make you go down for interviews, and then give you false misleading info during the interview..
and make you lie.. and cheat..
(ie. when you're supposed to sell a bistro splize membership card for $10, say so.. dun bluff the poor victims out there that when they donate $10 to some charity, they get the card for free, when the truth is, only $3 goes to the charity org. dun use charity as a guise to get business. it's totally absolutely wrong!! )
and then.. when you told them during the interview that you were at JDL the previous day, and told them that you didn't like what JDL was doing, ie, they were making you promote stuff in the grand old name of charity.. and they assure and reassure you that you won't be doing the same thing, and when you press them for details of the job, they said you'll be organizing events.. and in the end, what happens? you end up promoting a different thing in some ulu place.. the same thing over again.. the best thing is, that TITANS INC i went to is actually a wing of JDL, and when i told them about JDL, they just act blur.. guess my anger when i turned over the bistro card and found out that that project was actually under JDL!
i should have guessed it was the same thing.. trainers in a room screaming cheers, the place booming with lively hip hop music, the main person coming out asking you to "ask as many questions as you can, keep your mind open, open your mind like a parachute, the mind works best when its open".. its all freakingly similar.. i should have been smarter when i saw the scarily squarish bag of my trainer, and when i asked her if it was full of gifts to promote, she just coyly refused to answer..
the horoscope said that "oohh you'll have a great day!"
but in the end, the day's not that great afterall..
got cheated to some industrial estate in hougang, and had to spend $$ instead of earn $$..
then wasted a whole afternoon waiting for some interview for some job that was.. *cra**. another one that refused to tell me the jobscope over the phone, asked me down for inteview, then he had to rush off, and he couldn't clear my doubts either, and made me go for another interview tml which of cos i am NOT. oh.. what a great day.. ok at least, i din get into an accident or something. that's really great..

__pondering* 11:19 PM :)

Sunday, March 27, 2005

a heart torn
a look forlorn
that's the girl you see
walking in circles down the street

going forward
yet looking back
stuck in the present
head in a sack

wanting to pursue
yet procrastinating
afraid that the past
will drown her in memories

there's no reason
for what she's feeling
just uncontented
with what life's giving

leave this cage and fly
to seemingly greener pastures
which perhaps
are illusions and mirages

or stay here and pace
and wonder what it might be
if she just took that step
towards uncertainty

it's not easy
when it's grown onto you
she asks herself
is it worth it

she continues to wait
for nature's course
to collide and sweep her over
answer her frantic prayers

she waits..
and the opportunity's taken up
regretting
but perhaps not

like a forked road
she stood on one side
knowing she can never see
beyond the questions she hides

and now it's all too late..
it's all gone
be contented girl
at least you've got what you've got

__pondering* 4:46 PM :)

Saturday, March 26, 2005

went to pasir ris and accompanied wang to ocs at safti yesterday.. safti is really huge.. you've really got to walk a long distance to get from the bunks to the entrance/exit.. poor guys.. i saw a few female cadets.. and that got me thinking.. would i be able to put up with that kind of harsh training? running, doing all the shooting, SOC, field camps.. but i guess, it is never the kind of life i want, so there's not much use thinking in that direction. its amazing how something will unravel when you move on.. time never stops.. there's always something happening tomorrow, even doing nothing is something.. right now i'm bumming again.. i think my expectations are just too too high.. hate it.. should learn to let it go.. sheryl crow's song goes: it's not getting what you want, it's wanting what you've got.. i've got so many things, so what is it that is missing? ok i know, it's a fulfilling job.. let me add something. a fulfilling temporary job. being a doctor would be meaningful, no doubt about that. but, what about now??!

one of my friends told me, if i can't afford to go to UCL, i might as well stay in Singapore instead of going to Melbourne, cos what for burn so much money and eventually settle for a not so good school just to experience an overseas education and life. huge dilemma.. Loke Cheng Kim is really hard to get. i heard only 1 person gets it per year, and i have no doubts about the quality of the students who are applying for it. i just hope all those who are applying for this as a backup will back off and not rob others of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity..

well, anyway, i hope i can become more active.. not in the physical sense (ok maybe in that too), but emotionally.. i realise that i am very passive about what happens at home. i see my irritating dad bullying my poor mum, but i dun do anything about it.. ok i tried. but no use. there are so many things i can do right? (like asking my dad to see a counsellor) but my dad is a stick in the mud.. maybe mud is not sticky enough.. he's a stick in tar.. he will never change. his irritating behaviour is putting me and my sis off. imagine this petty man waging a cold war (that lasts for 1 month plus) with my mum just because my mum was trying to teach the maid to do something properly? he says: dun scold the maid! later she poison you in your food or murder you. you not happy, tell me! i will tell her off. and when my mum does tell him what's wrong, he says my mum is too picky and that if she is unhappy, she should just go choose another maid. i mean.. isn't he putting my mum in a difficult position? if u dun teach, she will never learn! so? he's irritating.. i am too lazy and angry to type out the whole story.. but to give you an idea of his pettiness.. previously, he cold warred with my mum for 1 month plus again cos my mum told him politely that it was time for dinner and that the rice was already on the table when he was in the room typing something. and after that he just lost it! blared and flared at the dinner table! and then called his sis in msia and poured his sarcasm everywhere "sis, i really want a peaceful home when i get home, but.. " oh well! who the hell is NOT giving you a peaceful home? idiot! is someone asking you to eat dinner rioting? FREAK YOU! so? is having a cold war at home called a peaceful home? F YOU LA. THIS IS NOT THE HOME I WANT! GET LOST! I WANT ANOHTER DAD! WHO ARE YOU TO BULLY MY MUM? this is called MENTAL ABUSE! irritating petty conservative man who is a stick in tar. i know i am sinning by scolding my dad. but i carn be bothered. he is SO WRONG. although he is nice to me, but he is not nice to my MUM! and that makes him my enemy. FREAK. just because he is the one earning money, he thinks he is GOD. he thinks he is superior to my mum. oh what a freak. when i tell him to take a break and go for a holiday, he flares up at me. when i tell him to try something new, he flares up too. when i joke with him, he takes it seriously and scolds me. crap. when he comes home, the whole house turns quiet, cos nobody knows what is his definition of a PEACEFUL home. a quiet home that is exploding from the tensions beneath the surface calm. what i want is a bubbly home where everyone can speak their minds and discuss matters. a funky home with understanding parents. WHY IS HE LIKE THAT? get lost you petty man. YOU NEED A PSYCHOLOGIST.

__pondering* 10:22 AM :)

jdl

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

hey! proud me have to announce that i quit my job (actually it's not condsidered as a job.. cos today was only training, and they have not carried out the selection yet.. haha).. yeap.. their training lasts for 2 weeks! and during these 2 weeks, i will not have a consistent pay.. basically, today all i did was to.. "waste" my time.. well well.. in the morning, i went there all alone, feeling very scared cos everyone was foreign.. some people were having "orientation" in the meeting room and were making a lot of noise.. for a while, i was quite worried that we will have to do cheers like what they did.. "how to do that when i did not know anyone?" well, my fears were unfounded.. luckily.. those having "orientation" were the trainers, and the..12(?) of us were given a trainer each.. haha.. the one who trained me was the guy who was arranging who trained who.. guess what he told me.. haha.. nvm, i shall not say.. i buddied up with another guy.. meaning, there were 2 trainers with jason and me.. we were both shocked that the company was managed by predominantly malays.. really shocking.. but owells, we're a multi racial society~! :) well, we went all the way from aljunied to admiralty.. gosh.. long ride.. but as usual, i had my barrel of lame jokes and games like the who many maa-maa jump over the wall game, coupled with my trainer's (sean, a mixed arab and eurasian) lame jokes, and jason's partner's ignorance, we managed to entertain ourselves as well as everyone on the train.. we went KFC.. there they ate.. and we played exothermic reaction.. it was a rahter slack morning.. but the afternoon was terok.. i actually did something which i despise.. ok, perhaps despise is too strong a word to use.. but if i explain what i had to do, i guess you'll get what i mean.. as part of the training programme to build up our self confidence, we have to promote this charity organization called renewal self-development centre, which is actually a halfway house blah blah.. and then ask ppl to donate 10 bucks, after which they will get this free gift which is quite funky..dunno how to describe.. its this cool box that because of the leather binding the 2 portions together, is able to flip around.. ok i'm not making sense. but yeah.. i mean, how easy is it to get people to part with 10 bucks? it will be impossible for me! 2 bucks, ok.. 10, no way! haha.. we will get 2 bucks from the company for every 10 bucks we collected.. it was hell i tell you.. see all the scrunged up faces, all the patronizing looks.. people who shun you like you have leprosy.. people who listen to you talk the whole day and in the end tell you "oh, actually i'm not interested", people who let you talk and talk and then pretend to not see you and walk away.. wah biang.. i wish i was at holland v.. singaporeans are really giam siap! BAH! it was hell.. hated it thoroughly.. jason and i will crowd together and lament to each other.. then the trainers will come and ask us to approach ppl.. it was maluating to the max.. after lunch, perhaps high on adrenaline, i decided to just approach people blindly and dun care whether there is possibility that they will listen to me or not.. ok, i got some results.. solicited 3 more deals on top of the 1 deal that i got before lunch.. by 4, both of us were thoroughly shagged.. there was a news stand, so i casually commented that perhaps we should flip thru classifieds and try gte another job.. haha.. and guess wad? we actually did! haha.. we bought it and scurried to some hidden corner of the station and flipped thru the papers frantically.. haha.. calling the companies.. whenever somebody walked past me, i will jump, afraid that the trainers will catch us skiving.. haha.. well, in the end, we're going for 3 interviews tml.. hopefully one of them will be successful.. *hopes* rj has no more places for relief teaching.. :( no more easy $$.. well.. so in the end we lied that i had a bad stomachache, that's why we disappeared for so long.. haha.. then we went to chui air con in popular, and pretended that we were pitching in popular.. i was an expert liar today.. yucks.. nvm nvm, its all over.. we both pitched 4 deals, but well, we din get the 8 bucks that we more than fully deserve, cos? "its illegal to pay you guys when you are not selected".. ok nvm.. we both had to console ourselves that we had just done something for charity.. if there's anything i had learnt, it will be that when you want to sell something, you really have to hard sell.. be thick skinned and approach everyone. dun stand there and try to figure out which person has the potential to buy.. i mean.. its the law of averages.. haha.. and when somebody waves their hands in your face and shakes his or her head, sometimes just stick around and bug.. he or she might waver.. and perhaps, the best excuse to give someone asking for donations is "oh, i think this money will go towards helping me too", or "actually, i've still got my parents to take care.. my dad has ... and my mum has ..." not only will the promoter not get "pissed" with you, she will sympathise with you too! haha.. ok.. so i'm now officially unemployed again! ganbatte! :)

__pondering* 9:41 PM :)

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

:) i didn't regret waking up early to invigilate at rj today.. :) they had econs and maths paper.. poor people.. i really forgot all of my stuff.. it didn't get registered in my frontal lobe through my hippocampus i suppose.. :( but well, nvm! guess wad? the twins were invigilating today too! jerald and jeremy! they just ORDed yesterday.. the world is indeed small! i was asking them if they knew dawn, and then the names came pouring.. jess, tian, derek, chong wai, jonathan, jamie.. squashers rock! *grin* jerald looks like Mr Ho, perhaps it was just the dress sense.. sunny, the twins and i had a good time ogling at girls during the last half an hour of the maths exam.. heh.. i was showing them who xiaofang was.. tellin them that people think she's v hot.. then they took turns patrolling up her row just to peep at her.. poor jeremy, didn't get to see her face properly.. then we had no. 8 from AO1D.. haha.. all the jokes anout no.7 and 8 checking them out and giggling.. well, invigilating was indeed boring, but it perked up a little with all that ogling.. :P it was funny how we would notice funny things about our juniors, then the rest of us would take turns to patrol that row just to kapo around.. like the girl who didn't do her maths paper at all, but just sketched her way through.. in the end she only handed in.. 2 questions? and i suspect she only copied down data given in the question.. quite sad.. wondered what happened.. did she study for the wrong paper? jia you girl! yep.. the day ended just like that.. wonder if they will pay us our 40 bucks, or they will exclude lunch break.. NO.... haha.. i'm dead beat.. bo li xie tonight! last episode! i'm gearing myself up for unexpected sad endings.. boo.. and after this, there goes my time filler on mon and tues night.. sigh sigh.. starting work tml.. i hope i didn't have too high expectations of the job.. hope i really do get to organize things and MAKE them happen, not merely supervise.. *hope hope*

__pondering* 5:03 PM :)

Sunday, March 20, 2005

" have faith in your worth as a person" -- Christopher Reeves

such simple words. a simple sentence that means nothing much until you look beyond the surface. no matter how depressed we get, no matter what we lose, our faith in our worth as a person was never lost. even if we felt that life was no longer meaningful, it was life which has lost its worth, not us. i guess its a change in perspective. read a chapter of Mr Reeves' book "Nothing is impossible" today, and it got me pondering.. if i were him, will i be brave enough to live on? [ his spinal cord was severed completely a few cm below the brain stem, rendering him paralysed from head down] to live on just to be a burden to those whom i love.. if i just die, the pain i bring to others will be temporary, but if i choose to continue living, i am only going to restrict the lives of others.. for as long as i live, or they live.. i imagine myself hooked up to this respirator, unable to breathe on my own, having to have a machine pump oxygen into my lungs constantly, all my life.. having to trouble people.. ending everything there and then seems a more tempting offer. just like what the lead actress in million dollar baby chose to do. begged her coach to perform euthanasia.. because, your faith in your worth as a person is completely lost. thinking about his plight makes me guilty. guilty of complaining so much about the little glitches in my smooth sailing life.. i feel so lucky.. yet ungrateful me is still uncontented.. yep.. the greatest evil of man is greed. let's all not take whatever we have in life for granted!

__pondering* 10:07 PM :)

Saturday, March 19, 2005

yesterday was an emotional roller coaster ride for me.. i was sad, happy, crazy and other what not stupid emotions.. i would love to think it is because of the impending hormonal neutralization that is going to take place, but well, i have no idea. i share an intricate love-hate relationship with the hormones in my body, i love, hate, and yes, marvel at the wonders hormones can do to our bodies. hormones, and our bodies, are really complex mechanisms.. if there is really a god, then he is really a genius, a planner, and an organizer. once again, i practise a form of escapism. questions about the origin of life and our body can never ever be answered, so i choose not to kill my brain cells over them.. i'd rather worry about more tangible stuff, like.. erm.. how much fats i am gaining.. *muahah* well, went out with pong pong yesterday.. i think we burnt quite a bit of money.. hmmm.. met for breakfast (tea) at yakun, then met bx for lunch at raffles place (oh boy! the crowd was extremely scary.. if osama dropped a bomb in CBD, i think half of singapore's population will perish.. heh hope terrorist cells do not read my blog), then i went off to meet wang.. sat at spinelli's the whole afternoon, then met da ge and hp again.. had coconut juice at east coast, then dinner at zen at east coast (the place is so so so gorgeous! the ambience is so soothing and unique.. the food is nice.. no wonder the chef calls himself a food artist.. its really nice.. :) the food is delicious and pretty to look at.. and the waitress is sweet.. awww.. perfect combinati0n to make ppl melt... ).. and then we went to kbox.. pong is such a cartoon.. look at him pout his lips while he tries to imitate all 4 one.. barry mannilow.. haha.. i was luffing till i went crazy.. and yeah, fatigue sets in and i turn crazy.. haha.. we burnt a grand total of 89 at kbox.. no wonder the receptionist was all smiles and thanking us profusely when we walked out.. haha.. pong ah pong.. cut down on ur coke.. he drank either 6 or 7 cans of coke yesterday.. sigh.. i pray for his health.. but ya.. today.. i'm in a much better mood.. i wish i will be in a good mood everyday.. thanks my wang for putting up with me.. i know i'm a hard nut to crack.. i can be nuts sometimes, and dealing with me can drive you nuts.. haha.. oh what is my fascination with nuts.. bah.. ok ok i am going crazy again.. gotta give tution later.. mayb i shall try catching a movie by myself later! :) signing off!

__pondering* 11:50 AM :)

Thursday, March 17, 2005

baorong went crazy today! she actually shopped at fox, and spent.. 220! omg! haha.. surprise surprise! she had never ever spent so much before.. well, everything's gotta have a first rite? hopefully it'll be the last too.. bah.. so scared by my spending habits.. bah.. nvm nvm.. so now, she's the proud owner of.. let's see.. 2 long pants, one top, 2 berms and one skirt.. now she gotta look around for.. bags, shoes, tops to match her girly bottoms.. oh shit. why is she sounding like such a bimbo?! so scary! yucks. nvm.. shopping is fun.. i think shopping alone is fun. cos i can take my time to look at everything and try on as many things as i want without worrying abt my fren being bored.. and with that, i proudly spent my venezia's pay at fox. oh wad eva..

let me recall my day.. woke up at.. 1030? bought newspapers, looked thru classifieds, saw this one abt an advtg co looking for ppl.. turned out that its an events co wanting to recruit event coordinators.. sounds fun. something like the council organizing functions in school, the main difference being now we dun have a ccad room, and (hopefully) a much larger budget to work with.. ok.. so i called them up, and procrastinated a lot.. called bx and whined. called yh and whined.. why? cos the place's at aljunied. so far! they start work at.. EIGHT! so! i gotta wake up at.. SIX?? happy new year. nvm.. finally, at 3, i decided to get my butt out of the house, and was on my way to the interview.. yeah, it only lasted 10 minutes? nvm.. hopefully i really get to organize things.. FUN things.. apparently they organize.. er.. exhibitions, campaigns, roadshows? ok.. it'd better be fun. or else i'll. kill myself. so i'm starting work on wed.. 1 week 300 bucks.. ah.. bleahs.. compared to teaching, its so chi li bu tao hao.. work so long so far earn so much less.. oh nvm.. at least i dun have to puke blood.. oh freak.. i just realised i'm just rambling on mindlessly.. nvm nvm nvm.. cool down.. ok.. then after that i decided to go crazy at fox.. tried on practically everything.. ok not that bad.. but spent a long time there.. and then.. i rushed home and RUSHED dinner down my throat.. mum cooked my fav fish and tofu, but i had to force things down without relishing the taste before i rush off for tuition. and guess wad? i reached that house, then the mum sat there and went "yes? yes?" and acted as though she din noe me or sth.. then she went into the kitchen and dunno do what, made me wait like a fool.. then she came to the door and "yes? yes?" wah freak la! then i realised that she din want to engage my services anymore.. enrolled her children in a tuition centre.. oh nvm.. and the tution agency had happily taken my pay.. and WITHOUT telling me! FREAK! i was so pissed.. i am still so pissed.. which is why i sound so crazy on the blog.. oh nvm.. not worth me getting angry. at least now i can watch lu se guo shi on tues, and chase on thurs.. nvm.. i shall be glad. ok time for chase! catch ya! :) (pun not intended)

__pondering* 8:11 PM :)

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

well, i just realised that jen is working at cleo! haha! how fun! and she interviewed nita and wingyee for some questions.. how so very fun! :) yeap, devoured my second half of cleo hungrily.. i love tabloids nowadays.. bumming around is really bad for health.. the article that left an impression on me was the one titled "getting the message".. something about how guys and gals view technology and communication differently.. here goes..

"It was driving me crazy," he says, "and we came close to breaking up. There's no easy way to phrase, "honey i love you, but could you just leave me alone for a while." Second only to the frequency, what got to me big time was the reasons for her calls were non-existent: Just to say hello, what are you having for lunch and so on."

Here's the problem: Women tend to believe that as long as they are talking, everything is fine and the bonds with each are being subtly reinforced through every interaction. Men, on the other hairy (haha) hand, subscribe to the simple philosophy that you only have to talk when something's the matter and there's a matter to be solved. Other than that, there is literally an unspoken agreement that life is dandy and it's understood that he loves you and you love him.

We(men) view these innovations(techno gadgets) as mere tools for accessing, assimilating and information. Emotion-free where possible, which is why we don't tend to go for these :-) or these:!!!

Well, who understands the psychology of men? i can't help but feel that there are indeed masculine creatures who long to have chatty phone calls with their friends, but who are afraid to do so because they fear how their male counterparts will view them.. but yeah, i'm really quite amused and amazed at how guys can pass their days whizzing in and around their virtual world.. is it really that interesting?

i've had first-hand experiences of the "male" version of communicating.. i don't get messages like "hi! just popping by to say hello!" or anything like that from guys.. mostly from girls.. your bf probably wun sms or call u for nothing too (that is if he knows you won't get angry..haha) .. i thereby conclude that guys won't sms u for nothing unless they are trying to woo you.. haha.. a little biased, but i find some traces of truth in my hypothesis. My guy friends sound cold and aloof in their messages.. it's a cold "full-stop" or simple few word answers that are just direct replies to your questions. makes me wonder if i'm too chatty or sound too happy in my messages sometimes. haha..

in some ways, i feel like a girl, in others, i feel like a guy. ok, i long for someone whom i can chat to about nothing at all.. just to call up when i am bored, hang out, chill out together.. do stupid crazy things.. like what jess mich and jam do.. but at the same time, you can't talk too much too. sigh, i guess everything's about striking a balance.

don't waste your time asking if it bothers him that you contact him a few times a day: He'll say no for fear of hurting your feelings. Instead, taper off the contact until you're working on no more than a single call per medium - email, SMS, cell phone- per day. Better still, hang such communication around a piece of information, like the questions you need answered or details of where to meet later.

is that really what guys want? or is david smiedt just speaking for a minority of the guys? i have no idea.. haha.. ok, i shall resolve not to send more than 5 smses a day then. haha..

a leech like me needs a new victim.

__pondering* 3:52 PM :)

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

This is a story from a friend that dates back to....the early 1980's. Setting: Asia...her family, along with scores of other young american families were living in Asia, either Hong Kong or Japan. To a young girl of 6 or 7, this was an exciting time. New people, new culture, new experiences and new foods. While out to dinner one night, she eyes something on the platter that interests her. Wow!! her eys grow wild with anticipation. It is a whole bunch of a green substance resembling, in her view, avocado. She sits there wondering why no one is taking it. Her brothers have no interest, mom & dad don't pay it much attention either. No here she is. She has been patient and used every ounce of self control to not reach up her spoon to retrieve the green delight. She can contain herself no longer. Her pavlovian responses begin to fill her mouth with cups of saliva.

Feeling as though she is going to explode, she reaches for her treasure. No one pays her any mind. Her brothers sit there and continue their bickering, mom & dad are wrapped up in conversation. She sits for a moment and thinks. "Whew...nobody stopped me from taking it...I am home free!" With a gimongus smile plastered on her face, she raises the spoon to her mouth and ins.........

WHAM!!!!...fear, terror, sadness, scared...what the?! Tears...lots of tears....she sees her father had lept from his chair and smacked the spoon away from her mouth. "why wouldn't he let me have it. I love avocado"...too many thoughts clouded her young mind and all she could do was cry. Her father seeing her fright and her petrified face did the one thing that parents to with their children when they cry, he brought her close and hugged her. He tried to explain to her that he wasn't angry with her and that she was about to eat a spoonful of wasabi, not avocado.

At this point she couldn't hear his words, but needed to feel the comfort of his arms and the warmth of his fatherly embrace. He was sorry for scarring her, but the other results would have been so much worse.

Parents do many things, we as their children do not understand. Even in my minimal age as an "almost 30" person, I often am puzzled and pissed at how my parents try to guide my life. It is with this idea that parents want only the best for their children, that I am able to function through their little rants and diatribes. They truly want what is in the best interest. However, the means to getting to that end, may differ from my view and at some points, live diametrically opposed to how I want to live my life. But cest la vie once again! That is the beauty of growing up in a liberal and free household. As long as I am happy, not hurting myself or others, and moving towards some goal, I keep my parents happy.

Remember. That spike or sudden 'abrupt' reality check we can get from our parents, is often times much better than the alternative of continuing down a path towards unpleasantries.

Ok.. the above excerpt wasn't from me.. from a blog that i randomly visited.. find his entries really insightful.. wish i had his capacity and depth of thought..

__pondering* 11:28 AM :)

Monday, March 14, 2005

is medicine the right path for me? thinking about the future makes me shudder. i practise escapism- not thinking about bad things till they're right in front of my nose- but nothing eases the fear and the anxiety when images of the near future find their way obstinately into my mind. perhaps its still too early to think about anything, since nothing is confirmed yet. i miss the sheltered days of the past. we were like little ships in the harbour, being polished and geared up to go out to sea. now, we're on our first journeys out into the open, the unknown, the unpredictable. some have not found their bearings, some know exactly where to go, some knew where to go but were thrown off course by unforeseen thunderstorms..
i feel as though i am on the outskirts of the bermuda triangle. knowing exactly where not to head towards, thus having this vague, perhaps not too vague, idea of where to head towards. but i can't see too far forward, the future is misty and abstract. ocassionally, the disorderly magnetic field contained within the bermuda triangle spills beyond the unclear boundary, and i lose my sense of direction. am i really so sure about everything i have been absolute about? am i up to it? am i really that tough? am i really that game? once again, i want a crystal ball.. i want to see if there are any pirates, or any black holes, or any treasure islands nearby..
at this juncture, there is no way to go but to go forward, but to think about it, in life, there's no turning backwards, for time only adds, not substracts. i wish i could lie on my ship with my head in the triangle, and my legs out of it, so that i can take a peek at what lies within, and yet save myself before i get into any danger..

__pondering* 11:44 AM :)

have you ever?

"Have You Ever?"

[Chorus]

Have you ever loved somebody so much

It makes you cry

Have you ever needed something so bad

You can't sleep at night

Have you ever tried to find the words

But they don't come out right

Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love

Been in love so bad

You'd do anything to make them understand

Have you ever had someone steal your heart away

You'd give anything to make them feel the same

Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart

But you don't know what to say

And you don't know where to start

[Chorus]

Have you ever found the one

You've dreamed of all of your life

You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes

Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to

Only to find that one won't give their heart to you

Have you ever closed your eyes and

Dreamed that they were there

And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care

[Chorus]

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby

What do I gotta say to get to your heart

To make you understand how I need you next to me

Gotta get you into my world

'Cuz baby I can't sleep

[Chorus]

__pondering* 10:20 AM :)

og outing :)

Sunday, March 13, 2005

it was a great outing yesterday~ at east coast.. as usual, everyone was late.. me included.. haha.. qt and i met at ps first to get shuwan's present.. :) a nice fox shirt with this nice wingy heart handphone chain pinned to it.. haha.. it was great to talk to qt again.. haven't spoken to him for so long.. i'm glad he's considering medicine too.. think he'll make a great doctor, with the heart. after that we were at coffeebean waiting for everyone.. we were supposed to meet at 2.30, but in the end everyone only arrived at .. er.. 4? by the time we walked to the kayaking place and started kayaking, it was.. 4.45? heh.. i haven't touched a kayak ever since OBS.. really fun to be in the sea again.. reminds me of the aquathlons i had.. had a "mini" accident though.. we were kayaking somewhere near the rocks.. first, yiuming got stuck at the rocks, then to help, qt got stuck while ym got out, then somehow shuwan got stuck, i tried to help, asked her to pass me one end of her paddle so that i can try to pull her out, but the waves crashed into me and i capsized onto the rocks and barnacles and moss.. (bx remember what happened to u when u fell into the moss at marina that time? :) ).. the barnacles were so sharp.. i got a really deep cut on my right 2nd finger that kept bleeding non stop.. it was a scary sight, cos coupled with the uncoutable scratches on my arms and legs and palms and toe, my right side was all bloody.. imagine blood mixed with seawater.. my whole kayak was mildly bloody.. tried to refrain from looking at my cuts till i got home.. haha.. i've got cuts everywhere.. so ugly now.. luckily my face got away unscathed!! *yay* my left thumb and right 2nd finger are the worse.. heh.. and my right thigh's slightly swollen cos of a blue black.. all the way i was kayaking with my second finger up.. like goddess of mercy liddat.. haha.. so funny.. :) i guess this is another little incident to remind me to be thankful about everything i have.. my health, my well-being, my "perfect" body.. u nv appreciate your unbroken skin till it gets broken.. heh..
well, to help us, edward got stuck.. haha.. so its like.. gosh.. everyone keeps getting stuck lo.. :) but we all had a lot of fun.. looking at junming self capsize cos he turned back while paddling.. how daniel capsized cos he wanted to capsize ym.. edward also.. how shuwan was so slow, ppl were plotting to throw her into the sea right in front of her and she din realize.. was really really fun.. i love my OG.. we're so hip!
then we wanted to have dinner.. it was initially at fish & co, but since all of us were so hungry, we decided to not wait and downgrade to long john silver.. heh.. and my little dear joined us and brought me a deli egg sandwich ;) hee.. so happy to c him.. well, as usual, whenever guys get together, the only thing that they can talk about is.. *no prize for guessing* army.. haha.. but well.. its ok.. at least all of us got together again.. i love my og.. :)
and once again, i'm so lazy.. should start doing something useful in my life..

__pondering* 10:49 AM :)

Friday, March 11, 2005

for a fleeting moment today, i felt lost. afraid it was going to revert to that period when life was "meaningless" cos i had nothing to do. i can feel it coming. though i managed to put that scary thought aside by comforting myself that i am going to have an OG outing tomorrow, i know that sense of loss and bewilderedness will engulf me soon enough. actually its all my fault. seriously, i know it. my expectations are too high. and i am a "commitmentphobic". why am i still unable to land myself a job? cos i am afraid of commitment. i dun wanna commit myself to a job which is boring and meaningless. i feel lazy to wake up so early in the morning and travel. i hate fretting over what to wear cos my wardrobe is so pathetically limited. i hate having to shop for clothes cos then, i have to come to terms with my exponentially increasing flabs. i dislike the routine of working. going through the same motion day after day. doing things that do not matter eventually. i am afraid of the routine. i want to work whenever i feel like it. i want something exciting and meaningful. i want something fun. something which i can give my all from within. ok, i sound ridiculous. my expectations are unrealistic. which explains why i am still unemployed at home. i might have mapped out my course of study, but i have not decided how to spend these few months meaningfully. perhaps i should go volunteer at some place. then my commitophobia comes into play.. *bah* should kill myself for being such a troublesome girl. i have the perfect life. what am i grumbling about? *shoots myself in the head* oh gosh i'm such a burden. i am simply too lazy to do anything. wake up baorong!!!!! get your butt off that chair! look for a job! ok.. i shall look for a job after march hols? but i wanna go on a holiday! .. in conclusion, i am living in fear everyday. fear of so many things.. sigh.

__pondering* 10:32 PM :)

hope

Thursday, March 10, 2005

hope is what keeps people enthusiastic and optimistic about what they are doing. without hope, and the imagination of the joy and satisfaction derived at the end of accomplishing something, things would seem tasteless and meaningless.. daydreaming is not a bad thing, for it allows us to dream of joy and happiness, and from there, propels us to give our best in whatever we are doing.

Thought of the day:
"Socrates thought that no one could possibly be happy if they acted against their better judgement. And he who knows how to achieve happiness will do so. Therefore, he who knows what is right will do right. Because why would anyone choose to be unhappy?"

The first time i read that, many contradictions popped into my head, but after examining them all, this statement makes some sense.. However, Socrates is not entirely right. Not all who know what is right will do right, for sometimes, distractions that offer immediate joy may cloud our judgement and pull us away from the path of long-term happiness. And there are those who did not want to choose to be unhappy, but who are forced to make desperate choices due to circumstances.. Philosophy is interesting.. But hard to digest :)

__pondering* 4:59 PM :)

POP

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

it was a real tiring day today.. early in the morning (actually not that early.. it was ten), b and i went to play squash with uncle latif and his friend.. squash seemed like a "foreign" game to the both of us.. we couldn't run, missed easy duh shots, get thrashed.. balls whizzed past us at the speed of light, leaving us with awed confused faces cos we had no idea where the ball went.. my hands were aching.. they are still aching.. its really bad.. b's legs were jelly.. haha.. both of us just lamenting and sighing.. and reminscing about the old days..

these days i think about the past a lot. but now, the images have fast forwarded a little.. instead of thinking about squash trainings, i thought about the times spent studying in school, esp the period during prelims and before a's.. when we would fight for places at the "make-out corner", spray fire extinguisher into john's ts, use the fire extinguisher to create the misty effect while renji scared other girls with a "scream" mask from the welfare room.. when we would study till 10.. and the hockers would try out tricks like the phantom hand and phantom neck, and then try to scare al and i when we went toilet.. i miss those days.. those days of climbing over the gate.. getting caught once by the police and being escorted out the gate (w/o climbing) by them.. fighting for ts-es and the red ikea chair.. fighting with kaihan for cd players which could play burned cds.. messing up people's ts and hiding their belongings when they went out for lunch.. pasting "john is not allowed" messages on the doors of ts-es.. chioing notes and going out for lunch at ghim moh where the cai fan auntie would recognize wang and i.. cheering each other up and panicking together.. planning our calendars.. having BBC championships.. *grin grin* these memories.. they come back to me before i sleep.. making me smile.. its true.. the times u remember most about school are not the times spent mugging, but the other spontaneous things that you do besides mugging.. i'm so glad i spent my jc years with a bunch of dynamic fun people..

today was wang's POP.. Passing Out Parade.. :) it was a majestic sight.. i felt this immense sense of pride as i saw the platoons and companies march out with the uniformed steps.. i know its weird, cos its not me marching, but nonetheless, knowing that my beloved is part of this wonderful formation makes me swell with pride.. and i felt happy knowing that my dear was putting in extra effort cos i was there.. :) i would have cried if there weren't so many people around.. this kind of scenes never fail to touch me.. i thought about the effort they put in.. (whether willingly or not) and all the suffering they went through.. its really their day! so proud of all of them..! the horrible thing was.. the sun was so hot.. my heart ached for my wang who was standing there.. not able to move.. like wad i told his mum "wo wei na bian de mei yi ge ren xin tong, dan shi wei le yi ge ren jiu te bie xin tong".. his mum just looked at me and smiled.. haha.. met amir at the ferry terminal.. and we were chatting for most part of my stay at tekong.. good luck to amir who's going in on fri.. in 3 months time, it will be his turn to experience the joy and pride of passing out unscathed!
good job dear! i'm so proud of you! really really so proud of you, and happy at the same time, for now, you've got another cove of treasured memories to add on to your book of life..

invigilation tml.. wonder how it will be like.. tiring? sian.. i know tml will be hell.. delayed onset of muscle soreness.. hopefully i can get to spend a lot of time with him these 10 days..

__pondering* 10:17 PM :)

Sunday, March 06, 2005

hey hey~ hope everyone have gotten over their joy or sorrow.. congrats to all who did well, and to those who didn't, dun give up, its just a challenge posed to you by the Greater Being.. what don't kill you will only make you stronger.. :) now is the time to scout for scholarships and apply for universities. . esp to bx and hp.. PLEASE.. (in a begging tone) go look thru the scholarship guides carefully. . because bountiful opportunities await within those pages.. well, i got a conditional offer for the Singapore Gov Scholarship to study psychology in UK.. i guess that's why the Uni of York suddenly changed my conditional offer to an unconditional offer.. i'm still considering..

been thinking thru the prospects of studying abroad.. the more i think about it, the more courage i lose.. i admire betty and ness.. esp betty.. they have dared to venture abroad into a foreign land, esp for betty cos she didn't even make plans for accomodation.. i think about the loneliness, the chores.. having to take care of yourself, make new friends whose culture is entirely different from yours, navigating in a land that seems all ready to engulf you into the unknown streets and corners, looking after yourself when u fall sick, studying and have no one to care about you or wait up with you.. it is just so scary.. i wonder how the rest did it.. the thought of leaving my comfort zone without anything or anyone familiar makes me shudder.. the safest place for a ship is the harbour, but the place where the ship belongs is the sea.. that's indeed true.. shall psycho myself.. if others can, i can too!

watched howl yesterday with my sis.. haha howl makes me drool! that floppy silky hair.. that chio look.. that mesmerizing voice.. oh man.. but i dun really understand the plot.. mayb hp and bx can explain.. :) hitch is nice! its funny and sweet.. but i din enjoy it to the max cos i was watching it from the corner of the first row.. hard to appreciate good things when you are not in the best position.. heh..

wanna watch so many more shows! hide and seek, white noise, a series of unfortunate events, a moment to remember.. laalaalaa

and i wanna get well soon too.. haven't been healthy since the eve of CNY.. first got a sore throat, which got worse as i took up relief teaching.. and just as i was recovering, my sis passed me her flu bug.. so now i've got fever cough and a hyperactive nose.. my voice has progressed from being sexy to being nasal.. haha.. :) my mum n sis predicted that if i become a doc, i'll be perpetually sick.. hope it doesn't come true..

wang is POPping on tues!! :) finally can get to see him in that smart uniform! i'm sure he'll look so suave and dashing! *drool* ok.. i sound a little perverse.. :( but ya, i'm looking fwd to spending a lot a lot of time with him! cos i dunno when the next opportunity will come..

__pondering* 3:43 PM :)

a levels

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

friday's really such a dreadful day.. even the fact that it is my last day at school does not help to ease the dread in me any little bit.. images of doom keep flashing across my mind.. looks on the faces of teachers.. the ugly marks on the fragil piece of paper that brittly holds our expectations and hopes for our future.. i imagine myself in shock.. and dumbfounded when i see my marks.. crying.. or just sinking in into that pit of silence and gloom.. i have no idea why i am feeling so paranoid.. i know i have tried my best.. but i am really afraid that my best is not enough to grant me the perfect ending.. but i've tried asking myself many times over these past few days.. what is the perfect ending? I know that for me, the 4 a's are a must.. what about GP? what about S papers? i've been telling myself that i would be happy if i can get b3 and above for GP and at least 2 merits for my s.. but if i really do get that, will i truly be happy? or will i be discontented and expect more and give myself unnecessary grief? this is really a hard period.. this is indeed a test of mental strength, as well as your guiding principles.. of course, i wish that i will get perfect scores so that i cannot wish for anything more, so that i will not be unhappy in any slightest sense, but to poke my fantasy bubble.. i have to come back down to earth.. what is the possiblity of me getting perfect score? i didn't study for maths s.. or rather, i should say i only did 3 questions for maths s.. and i only attended what? 3 maths s sessions? chem s.. haha.. though i attended chem s sessions, i did not know how to do many questions.. ok perhaps RJ chem s is hard.. i'm expecting more for chem s than for maths s.. can't compare with the f maths ppl.. :( gp.. i seriously have no idea.. my gp scores ar horrendous.. always in the narrow range of.. b4 and c5? haha.. things are just so uncertain.. u might have felt that u have done ok for this paper, but accidents do happen.. life is just so unpredictable and unexpected.. i hope that the receiving of my a levels results will be a breeze, not a blow.. and at the same time, i hope that my dear friends will get the grades that they expect to get.. afterall, happiness loves company.. there's not point in being happy selfishly when the people deear to me are not.. so i pray and wish with all the sincerity i can muster that all of us will be happy with our grades.. that consolations will not take up time which is rightfully meant for congratulations.. meanwhile, i must psycho myself.. about what i'm not too sure.. i only know i'm desperately in need of mental prep..

__pondering* 10:49 PM :)