Saturday, July 24, 2004
sigh.. its another brand new day.. i'm afraid of living.. cos i'm afraid of what is going to come today and tomorrow.. yesterday and the yesterdays seemed so comforting..
went out with the chiobus yesterday.. jess, mich (the bday girl!!), bx, hp, ness, jamie, betty.. all look so chio.. 'cept me.. but its ok.. met at cityhall.. walked to suntec.. went to marche.. then went to pet shop, then went back to marche, waited for bx n betty.. then started eating..i ate my brocolli and stuff as usual.. there's nothing much i can eat there.. but its the company that matters.. it was ness' last night.. she going aust tonight.. gonna miss all the outings.. took lotsa photos.. hope jamie will dev them soon.. bx and hp too.. ness got hers uploaded though.. talked quite a bit.. porno talks.. ate for 1.5 hrs ++ then spent lotsa time outside marche making lotsa noise and taking lotsa photos.. while hp and i went to espirit and freeloaded.. the evidence is still on my fingers.. got 5 dif colours of nail polish on my fingers.. haha.. i feel this new sense of closeness with hp.. we seem to have a lot to talk about now.. and i feel closer to her.. unlike before.. :) wonder if she has the same feeling too? :) what a pleasant feeling.. :) saw zac and her bf and friends there too.. gosh.. wad a big change.. from a tom boy to a girl with mini skirt and super huge b**bs.. its a surprising change.. after spending ages at the espirit place.. we walked.. to esplanade.. to the waterfront where yh and i always sat and talked.. and i brought them to the place where yh and i spent our christmas eve.. still remembered how we sat at the little block of cement over the ledge.. admiring how majestic fullerton looked close up.. the girls took lotsa photos there.. as usual.. captured the memories of the night when the whole clique was there.. happy, smiling, still united.. at abt 11+, we all parted.. jess and jam and bet stayed over at mich's place.. bx ness and i shared a cab home.. hp went home by MRT..
and i woke up today having a hangover.. from last night's excitement.. and fun and laughter.. i'm feeling down again.. perhaps there's just nothing to cheer me up.. feeling down is like a default mood for me lately.. at least last time the default was being neutral.. i'm just sick of my life.. sick of the uncertainty.. sick of being unsure of what i wanna be.. sick of worrying for my future.. i just hate the way i dunno what i want in my life.. spoke to my mum's friend.. spoke to me a little about psychology.. its a highly specialised field.. just wondering.. after studying psychology.. what can i do.. just a counsellor? is that what i want to be? is that what i am cut out for? i have zero ounce of patience.. i want to help people.. but how? she said being a counsellor earns very little.. can i get my job satisfaction with a low wage?being a cousellor is nothing big too.. i really dunno what i want now.. its scary how ur future is affected by ur single decision.. its like.. i'm being thrown into the deep end of the pool.. i'm struggling to find my float.. and i have to find it soon.. or else i'll just sink.. its scary how reality and society is so near now.. your parents can't shelter you anymore.. i want to be someone big, i want to help people, i want to have lots of "life" beyond my job, i want moderately high wages, i want my job to be fun.. is there any job that fits all those critera? feelin depressed.. and A's seems like the great wall of china.. sth so big.. sth that i can never cross.. i hate my life. i hate myself.
