Thursday, July 08, 2004
just some interesting thing to share.. i was reading cleo a while ago and did some personality test on food.. and i was classified as a control eater.. among all the analysis they gave.. here's sth i find really true..
"(they are) women who have a high self-monitoring index. They regard themselves in the light of feedback they get from others. They are often highly performance-oriented and have to be continually achieving things in order to provide themselves with a degree of consolation. At the same time, they see themselves merely as pretenders or imposters- there are often hidden self-esteem issues at play."
i think this is like.. wow.. so accurate.. the person must be a control eater herself.. haha.. now i've given everyone an insight of myself.. haha.. thanks dears for ur consolation and sharing ur thoughts on my previous entry.. jess.. dun feel so lonely and sad.. from the surface, it does not seem as if u r.. cos from what i see.. ur class is so bonded.. you've got sarah and gang.. and you've got jamie michelle who are like better friends to you than i am.. :) and you've got tian.. but well.. nobody knows what goes on beneath.. it's be great if all of us can just get together and have one big big girls talk again.. haha.. ness.. thanks for ur advice.. i've been trying hard.. i've forced myself to become more observant so that i can have more interesting stuff to talk to people about.. i've been trying my best to.. i dunno.. be more friendly?? Actually i dunno how to describe what i've been doing.. perhaps just to improve my condition now.. haha.. i'm very very shagged now.. sigh.. and i felt so.. sad today.. when our class was dismissed from lesson and we went out of the TS, nicholas (a J1 from my OG) just went up to yingheng excitedly and started exclaiming "wah, even in class also must sit together!" and he had that.. *i dunno what to describe* look on his face.. like.. "see? i proved you right!" and he said it so loudly.. i was kinda pissed.. its not the first time.. everytime he sees us, he'll just go up to yh and like.. "see? see? see what i said? its true.. you two are always together and words to that effect.. once he even asked me why i kept sticking to yingheng.. he's so good looking, i'm only going to limit his circle of friends.. why am i doing this.. i dunno what else he said.. its too hurtful to remember.. and all these while i've been ren-ning.. how long can i take it.. today when he said this kinda sick things again.. i nearly blew up.. just wanted to scream it in his face "is that anything of your business? shut up and keep your comments to yourself" but i forced myself to ren.. held my breath and counted to ten, and counted to fifteen again.. you may say i'm being too sensitive.. but i am not.. its recurring so many times.. every time he sees us.. shucks.. and now whenever yh gets stopped by his friends who talk to him, i just walk on.. i dun wan people to think i'm sticking to him.. what's wrong with all these people? not knowing what is going on inside the mind of another person does not give them the right to comment and say hurtful stuff. its just so.. mean. chor, like wad u said, i do not wish for loads or truckful of soulmates and good friends.. having 1 or 2 is enough.. i'm not greedy.. like right now.. i've found someone i am comfortable with, with whom i can share all my thoughts and show my ugly sides.. its just that.. he's my boyfriend.. that person is not a female.. and it happens that i'm the type who needs company of good friends around me.. just one good friend is enough.. not superficial friends with whom i find silences and conversations awkward and feel so ucomfortable being myself.. and so.. that's why we hang out together.. and further more.. we're in the same class! GOD BLESS. what else. i'm gettin quite agitated typing this.. shall cool down.. sigh..
i just dun understand why.. if the person had been a female.. even if we stick together till we share the same toilet cubicle, nobody will talk.. so.. why the big fuss? *cool down* *breathe* i dunno la.. its just so screwed up.. i'm trying so hard but nobody knows and nothing is showing.. i'm trying to learn not to care about what others say and think.. but its hard.. especially for me.. god help me..
