Monday, July 26, 2004
had a pretty long talk with my knowledgable mum.. almost 2 hours.. and i really admire my mum.. she's really so knowledgable.. and she really understand me inside out.. i love my mum! well.. had the UCAS talk today.. uni appli is really so hard.. i dun feel like going to uni anymore.. wish we could revert back to the times when women's responsibilities were only to give birth and take care of the family..then i wouldn't hafta worry abt this kinda things.. but then again.. i dun think women led fulfilling lives then.. so nvm..
its funny how my ambition shifts from one to another.. just like many of my big decisions in life.. like going to RJ or HC.. choosing history or geog elect.. takin 8 or 9 subs.. so far.. i've not really made a bad choice.. thanks to my mum.. and hopefully this time.. i will make the right choice too.. mum encouraged me to be a doctor.. and i know deep down.. that's what i wanna be.. its a meaningful life.. but i'm escaping from this ambition cos i'm afraid.. i'm such a coward actually.. my mum brought out the feelings that had been hidden inside.. feelings that i'm so confused about myself.. she told me that i'm choosing the easy way out.. cos i'm afraid of losing.. psychology is the easy way out for me.. there's not as much competition and the standards arn't really that high.. i'm afraid of meeting with the worst outcomes.. and so i make excuses for myself like.. i can't take the 8 years of studying.. i'll go mad.. being a doctor deprives me of my life.. i wanna be a mum.. a responsible one.. all these excuses.. they are just excuses.. mum told me i'll most probably regret it.. cos all my friends will be sth big.. and i'll only be a small counsellor.. i'll xin li bu ping heng.. which is quite true.. she said many things else that are so true about my character.. and in summary.. i wun find much satisfaction if i really decide to take psychology.. it might be the easiest way out now.. but the future will hold regrets..
and then i told my mum.. if i wanna be a doc.. i carn make it big.. its hard.. cos everyone's better than me.. how wrong am i to think that way.. my mum said i'm so silly.. i'm thinking that the boat will capsize even before i have the boat.. and she pointed out that.. in the end.. if what i really wanna do is to help people.. then making it big or not will not matter.. cos the greatest satisfaction lies in using my knowledge and heart to renew life in others.. she said these kinds of thoughts.. about power and status.. is my greatest barrier.. and i totally agree.. and now i know it.. better late than never.. thank god for a mum so wunderful.. :) she totally rocks.
and now.. i feel the renewed resilience in me.. the determination that baorong once had.. the self reassurance that she'll survive anything in her way.. no matter how tough.. cos nothing gets in her way.. the positive thinking that submerged deep below the surface for quite a while.. but now is back. mayb not yet in full force.. but its a good start.. i'll face my challenges with a smile. Jia you everybody! :)
