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depressed?
Monday, July 05, 2004

halo.. was feelin kinda bored.. typed yingheng's name into yahoo and stumbled upon kaihan's blog.. the real blog.. not the "huggyteddy" one.. dunno.. suddenly i just felt so.. i dunno.. far away.. yep.. far away from my friends.. thinking of the time when alina was telling me.. "baorong, i'm really scared of working with kaihan.. cos i really dun understand him.. and i think he doesn't like me.. help me".. and now.. when they are close enough to have alina dig things out of kaihan.. i just wonder all these time.. where have i been? what have i been doing to my life? my life revolved around studies and him.. and i've neglected all my friends.. msged kenneth today.. found out he wasn't gettin on as fine as i thought he would be.. told him i suddenly realised i have been taking all my friends for granted.. i should have been nice to them, but i have not done so.. if this carries on, i'm gonna die an old lonely woman.. sigh.. if only i could find a song to describe this feeling.. if only there was a song to tell me what i'm feeling.. cos i dunno what i'm feeling.. i haven't been caring about my friends.. i haven't been caring about baoxin, abt jess, jamie, mich, betty, vaness.. i haben been caring abt kenneth, jingxiang, bena, ee sang, hongking and everybody else in my life.. its only when i read blogs and find out what has been happening that i finally realise what i have done to myself and my hollow life.. but its hard.. what am i supposed to do.. i'm gonna try hard to find a place back in my friends' hearts, and to create a place for myself in the hearts of the people whom i call friends but have only exchanged superficial comments.. i want to.. but how? yingheng's gonna call me silly.. he's gonna say take it easy.. i know i should.. once again, this feelin of loneliness begins to surface again.. nobody can have everything.. but this realization should not deter him from wanting to have everything.. is this right? dun think so.. cos he'll never be contented.. gosh what is going on in my mind.. no wonder yingheng always say he wonders what's going on inside this cluttered mind of mine.. many times, i wish i knew what was going on too.. when i know, i'll be a much better person..

__pondering* 3:45 PM :)