esperanzas y sueños

you know i'm such a fool for you.

2010-03-20T18:15:00.002+08:00

its amazing how certain songs can jolt certain memories that you thought you have forgotten a long long time ago, and everytime the memories appear, they bring together with them the rush of emotions you experienced in that situation. sometimes it feels like you're opening up a healed wound all over again.

i think i am going crazy. i just don't want to study, find myself surfing useless blogs, reading useless news on yahoo. doing crazy stupid things that i know i will regret, things that do not add value to my life, perhaps except to take away some of the stress of frustration i am feeling, only to have these feelings rebound and hit me in a crazy way twice as hard. and yet i persist in doing them. such is the nature of a useless escapist bug like me.

last year and this year have been the worst years of my life. ever. and i never want to relive it ever again. please stop my misery soon. i can't take it any longer.

never again

2010-03-19T11:55:00.002+08:00

if given a choice, i don't think i want to do this all over again. its killing me! ughs.

2009-02-20T23:25:00.003+08:00

this picture took my breath away. i so so wanna go to alaska.

sorry dear i'm so blur.. and last minute too...

finally.. again

2009-02-20T19:40:00.002+08:00

sudden urge to start blogging..

had many things to say, but somehow i forgot everything..

been spending a lot of money amending flights, booking flights, booking shuttles and stuff.. i guess its a learning experience.. to finally plan my own trip for once.. haha previously, my darling friends have always been the ones planning everything, buying tickets, settling accomodation etc, but now i have to do everything on my own.. steep learning curve! and the monetary price for my ignorance is rather significant.. and i guess i realised i have been assuming many many things! kept thinking that US is like singapore, u can reach anywhere with cabs within 1 hour.. and cabs are not that easily available.. imagine my shock when i realised that the time taken to travel from the airport to the bus terminal is 2 hours...
and committed other booboos like booking a flight leaving at 6am, such an unearthly hour.. on retrospect, it was totally brainless of me.. it takes 4 hours to travel from the university (i totally did not expect that.. i thought it wld only take 1 hour) and i gotta check in 1 hour before the plane departs.. so... i gotta leave the hostel in the blistering cold and eerie darkness at 1am? its really amusing. and so to change the flight, i have to pay a sum that is only slightly lower than the airfare itself. blame it on my own stupidity. wells. i can only console myself that at least i learnt something..

i'm scared to travel alone. foreign land, foreign accent, foreign faces, foreign weather (snow! -14 deg cel!!! UGHHH), foreign food, foreign routine, foreign time, foreign bed, friendLESS, foreign everything. makes me super scared to think of it. but at the same time, i know God is giving me a rare opportunity to learn to be independent, and i hope that with God's grace, i will be inspired, whatever aspect it might be..

sigh. the world is kinda sad.

finally!!!

2008-05-31T21:42:00.004+08:00

finally! year 3 is over. ended with quite a bad paeds end of posting test. but still, its over. hooray!!!

i felt this tremendous sense of relief and a sort of bliss as i cleared my cluttered table of all things paeds.. its such a great feeling!!!! it makes me shudder to think of how long i had been slogging at the table studying till the wee hours of the morning during the last week.. i guess i kind of deserve it, cos i had been too slack during the rest of the posting, hence i had to make a desperate attempt to get some things into the squishy thing in my skull that kind of resembles a brain haha. but i guess i might as well have slept cos the studying didn't really help much except to make me a little spaced out on the day of the test, as well as feel cheated because it didn't help. you might say 'its for the long run', but seriously, how much of these info can i retain after the ravages of time?

and... i felt so great going out with yan that night.. finally seeing him after almost 1 week.. and it was especially exhilarating when it suddenly dawned on me that i didn't have to study when i get home! i have not had this kind of feeling for SO LONG!! its a tremendous relief, as well as release.. and i'm loving every minute and every second of this much-needed (tho might not be well-deserved in my case) break.

it feels kinda surreal that i am going to bali, for 10 days.. i cant believe its finally here! but packing is such a chore.. haha. woohoo! this trip is gonna be so fun! great company, lots of sun (i hope) sand, salt water, hot babes, cute hunks (but the ultimate cutest hunk remains in singapore).. i guess i was kinda worried at first about terrorist attacks, tsunamis, earthquakes.. but i figured that there's no point worrying so much because everything is in Lord's hands, and i know everything happens for a reason. so come what may, it will be for the best! it might actually be a life-changing experience to be caught in the middle of all these action. to be there first hand, to know, to feel, to finally understand, and maybe find a newer, more meaningful direction in life (if i live to tell the tale that is) haha.

sex and the city absolutely rocks! i loved it. it didn't fall short of my expectations, in fact, it exceeded my expectations.. its such a great feeling to see the 4 girls reunited, each facing problems in their lives, and then coming to a resolution and emerging stronger, happier, and wiser. i was bowled over by their friendship, and needless to say, the va-va-voom fashion and hip uptown culture. i looove losing myself in their world. and what made things even better was that yan enjoyed it too! :) *girls, we'll be like that right?*

and heys, UNCLE LESSTER going to be featured on TV!

programme: Find me a Singaporean, hosted by Belinda Lee

Time: 4th June, Wednesday, 8pm, Channel U

Belinda Lee visited UL in Uganda for 10 days and i think this travel documentary is going to show us how UL is living and working in africa. i am absolutely excited to watch it, because i really really want to know wad UL is doing with the bees in africa!

just gonna end this post with a few pictures taken during my mum's humble bday celebration:

the 1.9kg blueberry cake from secret recipe.

with 18 candles...! :)

my cute little sister
my father in a VERY VERY RARE kodak moment of affection. i love this picture.

the picture which makes me smile

2008-05-26T15:18:00.003+08:00

sorry yan, i just have to post this pic cos it makes me laugh everytime i look at it :) i left out the right side of the pic tho'!

joy multiplies

2008-05-23T17:09:00.002+08:00

indeed, joy multiplies when shared
and pain lessens when you finally let it out into the open

the brief conversation that eugene and i had about the 5 languages of love came across my mind today..

the 5 languages of love are :
1) words of affirmation
2) quality time
3) receiving gifts
4) acts of service
5) physical touch
(http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html)

everyone speaks all 5 languages, but for everyone, there's 1 language which speaks the loudest, that's when u feel especially loved..
haha i asked my mum which is her language.. i think her's number 1.
and i think i am kinda greedy, i can't decide, so i think mine's both 1 and 2. and after taking a quiz on http://greaterquest.com/LoveLanguages.asp, yes, its indeed 1 and 2.. haha.

thoughts for the day:

Forget about your feelings. You do not have to feel anything to love your spouse. Feelings may change because of your actions, but feelings should not dictate your actions. Choose to love your mate, no matter how you feel.

Do not allow your mate’s reaction to stifle your love. Nothing your mate does can stop your love as long as you choose to love. Why stop when love is your greatest weapon for good and growth?

hear the cries of those in pain...

2008-05-21T19:41:00.003+08:00

it is inevitable to come across pain, misery and illness when you are in the hospital most of the time, but what strikes me most is the courage of those who are afflicted by these conditions, especially the chronic illnesses..

i see resilience in the mother who takes care of her little boy with leukemia.
i see her willingness to do anything for her little boy, as long as he gets better.
i can see the weariness in her eyes, i wonder if she questions 'why'..
i know she feels pain, but she chose to ignore it, just so she can be strong for her little boy..
and i know he feels pain too, pained because his family has to go through all these for him..

i see the nobleness of the mother who chose to give up everything else in her life, so that she can centre it around her little boy with down's..
all the extra effort she has to put in, just so that her boy can walk, can dress properly, can feed himself with a spoon.. training him repetitively for 3 years everyday just so that he can take a bus to school.. accompanying him tirelessly to rehabilitation so that she can hear him say'ma'.. all those things we take for granted..

i am deeply touched by all the sacrifices that the parents make just to take care of their children.
and i am only looking at the tip of the iceberg...

as i stood in the day therapy centre today, i wondered what i will do if such a thing happens to me.. will i have the courage to face up to it? will i be strong enough to take care of my child? will i be strong enough to accept all the changes in my life? will i become depressed and resentful? will i be bitter and keep questioning 'why'? ... and i just wanted to cry..
and i wonder how my life will be, if someone in my family was chronically ill.. will my dad still be the person he is right now? will he still be so caught up in his rat race? or will he realise that there is actually more to life than money? will he be more gentle and caring towards those around him? and will i be the same uncaring person i am still?

yan rong told me that we humans will never know the real pains of those around us, because all of us put on this false front of happiness, trying to be brave and strong.. only God hears their cries, and God shows that he cares, by putting people who really do care in the lives of those who are pained. i hope i will be able to bring comfort to someone someday. having lived your life knowing that u have made a difference to someone else's life, even if it is just one person, is already meaningful enough..

i feel deeply for those suffering in myanmar and china.. i hope they will feel God's presence and love with them admidst all the pain and suffering..
and i hope that we, the luckier ones, will learn to cherish and be contented with the things we already have.. because what we take for granted, many others have to fight very hard in order to have..
may God let us hear the cries of those in pain, so that they can lean on us for love and support.

my blog is up and running again!!

2008-05-18T16:40:00.007+08:00

decided to be more hardworking in terms of blogging..
wanna say a big hello to uncle lesster!!!
thanks sososo much for helping me with the electives! i really really carn wait to see u on tv!!!

been spending time with people who matter...

my dearest doctor yong who just started work and who makes my heart ache whenever i see him so tired

i stupidly forgot to take a group picture during the "surprise bday gathering" at oosh.. only managed to take 1 shot haha..

nice dinner @ villa baliiiiii

my dearest dearest dearest girls mich, bx and hp.. of cos missing jess and jamie and betty and ness.. i love all of u girls. i had a fantastic time catching up with all of u.. getting updated.. babbling nonsense.. listening to how natalie portman seduces people.. and how teeth can grow in uncanny places and bite certain things off.. life will never be the same without u gals :)

@waraku

@ some atas dessert place in Central.. look at the decadent cakes! dun be jealous jess :P

and not forgetting my isotope whom i have not seen in a thousand years and yet still look the same even tho he claims to have put on a few kg. i still owe u ur email!! sorry!!

not forgetting my medicine girls darling shera and wenphei.. really enjoyed cycling and sweating with u gurls.. hope ortho has been fun!!

candice's surprise 22nd bday party, organized by her sweet bf zongxian.. the ice-cream cake was wonderful!!!!

:) not forgetting time with my cg mates eugene and ibrahim, who make medicine more tolerable with all their nonsense and crazy talk haha.

especially for me, a sign of increasing maturity is when i start to realise that there is more to life than just studying, and when i actually do something about it.

2008-03-04T11:06:00.002+08:00

halos peeps.. wonder who still reads my blog..
been more than 1 month since i updated.. haha i sincerely apologize..
been having exams..
and i realise i really miss my frens.. esp those whom i do not get to see so often..

we celebrated bra's bday yesterday.. great to see him happy! its good that we're finally doing sth for him, cos its always been v slipshod when it comes to his bday.. haha.. gave him an optimus prime! (is tt how u spell it haha)

its finally our one week break now! hooray! and blur me actually thought it was going to be three weeks. wad a let down. but owells at least we get a break.. i think i am so not going to be used to the "clinical" life.. waking up early, rounds, getting home late, having to study after getting home.. kinda got accustomed to studying for exams everyday haha..

but its kinda great this time round, cos.. there's a new found sense of peace and stressless-ness as i study for exams this time.. and i really have to thank God for that, because i know He has a plan for me. :)

had grand plans to really make full use of everyday of the break, but i feel so tired when i wake up everyday that i just wanna nua at home.. but when i nua at home i feel so bad, because i am just wasting my precious break away.. but i carn think of anything exciting and cheap to do that's the problem.. dunno who to go out with too.. haha.. maybe im just making excuses cos im too lazy to think of anything. i wish i can just teleport myself. i'm so full of contradiction. im just too lazy for my own good!

hope jess is getting on fine. well, at least she's learning how to cook, while im learning how to be a better complainer. talking about complaining.. it just reminds me of wad happened yesterday at coffee club.. ah traumatic, but nvm, live and let live. jia you jess.. i miss u here!
and i miss mich too.. hope her lab stuff is getting on fine....!
and i miss hp too.... dunno how her classes are.... graduating soon lo!
and i miss my b... i want to meet her! and everyone else too!

i want to plan for my electives. i want to plan for my june hols. but i am such a bad planner. i have no motivation to plan for anything! how bad is it? sigh sigh.

and i absolutely hate the vibes at home now. cummon parents. please grow up. how do u expect me to hold intellectual conversations with you when all you do is cry and act all fragile and vulnerable and give me irrelevant replies which do not answer the questions i have? how do u expect me to discuss things with you when i know you will get all emotional and fired up and then make life hell for me at home? all i wish is to have a decent conversation. one where all of us can sit there, calm and level-headed, all of us speaking politely, no jibes, no sarcasm, no hidden daggers.. using logic to reason, and not generalizing, stereotyping, using spite to get your way. please show me that you have the intellectual capacity to use logic and reason to convince me, and even if i am ultimately not convinced, please act your age and not show a black face or launch the second cold war. please do not put words into my mouth, please do not use this one incident to discount all the previous good things which i have done. please, all i really want to do is to talk to you properly. but what really hurts me is knowing that i probably will never be able to do that. is this what your religion is teaching you to do? are you really following what your religion wants you to do? there is no point kow-towing and donating money, and then behaving this way. i have so much more to say, but there is seriously no point. i really hope one day you guys will see some light. maybe then, we will finally be able to have a decent conversation.

2008-01-28T22:18:00.000+08:00

firstly... halos chor! haha i think u'll be the first one to notice if i update my blog.. so *waves* haha!

finally feeling hardworking enuf to update my blog..

after much reflection, i realise that i am really really really lazy.. i really dunno how many more things could have been accomplished if i am not so lazy... argh i realise i have the same post about me being lazy last year.. seems like old habits die hard? haha. shall attempt to be less lazy this year.. hmmm time to start having an action plan i suppose.

well.. random thought.. i think that the best time to read self help books is when you are still a teenager.. at that mouldable impressionable age... and you tend to really adopt whatever u read cos u really want to be.. "accepted".. so.. yeah, that is the time when change is "easiest" and somehow things you read just become part of you subconsciously i think...

sigh. who doesn't have family problems? after talking to many people, that's something i have come to realise. everyone has their fair share of family conflicts.. stubborn family members.. nasty circumstances etc etc...... i just hope some people will wake up soon and realise that what they are doing are hurting the very people who are the reason why they have been working so hard.. the silliest thing in the world is to tolerate the nonsense given to you by strangers, only to unleash it on the people who love you and will always be there for you. and i hope that some people will be start to realise that they are actually lucky and stop making irritating excuses for the things they have been doing..

many times, all it takes is a change of perspective to realise how things are actually so amazing, and how you have always been taking some things for granted.

and 1 more thing.. the ultimate laziness is not pursuing the truth because asking questions and trying to seek answers in order to get to the root of everything is so demoralising and tiring. i am the epitomy of that laziness. hopefully i will change haha.

CNY is coming soon! like so soon! i only have 1 set of new clothes this year i think haha. and i dread going back to msia... :( i wanna go chinatown to experience the atmosphere.. but ya... need to mug!!! time passes so fast, i wonder what i have been doing all these while... time just... teleports itself out of my life. scary...

new favourite song:
soulmate by natasha bedingfield.

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
you're not easy to find

Is it possible
Mr. Loveable is already in my life?
right in front of me
or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
how do I find the perfect fit
there's enough for everyone
but I'm still waiting in line

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

2007-10-21T16:46:00.000+08:00

school starts tml! wad a spoiler! :(

woke up this morning with a strange thought.. suddenly remembered this friend who has been kind of.. 'belittling' my efforts to keep in touch.. feels like my efforts to care, to keep this person as a friend is being slighted and unappreciated.. i'm not saying giving in a friendship requires appreciation in return, but well, i truly believe that you shouldn't only talk to a person when u want something from him or her.. human relationships shouldn't be based upon motives or furtive aims..

yesterday i suddenly felt like i finally understood what the experts mean when they say teenage is a time when youngsters are trying to discover who they really are..

i remember when i was younger, i was always "collecting" 'nice' traits from everyone..how they laugh, how they interact with seniors, how they interact with other people, how they talk online, what they do in certain situations, the way they dress, many many other things... i was constantly changing my behaviour.. its like.. i'm trying to collect as many traits that i like and admire about other people as possible, and then try to incorporate them into myself..trying to tranform myself into someone i presume will be nicer,funnier,sweeter,more popular etc etc..

it was a period of much fluidity.. at times i felt so fake, because i was merely trying to act like someone else, i dinnoe who i really was..

but now.. i think most things have already been cast and set in mould.. when i spot traits that i like from others, i no longer try so hard to make them mine.. i admire them for who they are, and dun try to hard to be someone i am not.. its not that i no longer try to improve myself, of cos when i spot something that can make myself a better person i do try to change, but yeah, u just accept that people are different, and that you are you and there is not much point trying to be someone who is not 'you'.. so.. yeah somehow your personality has already been set.. you are surer of who you really are.. how you normally will react in certain situations, what you want for yourself.. the things you do are more reflective of your true personality..

well.. maybe it really is that we have kind of 'found' ourselves.. or maybe, we are just too tired and resistant to change? because we have gotten older and more jaded, we have stopped trying?

owells... i've been enjoying the 1 week break! :) its such a refreshing time! stoning at home, watching taiwan serials, sleep in till.. 1pm.. sleep late.. surf the net for hours with no aim.. bumming ard the corners, chatting with mum.. going out.. chill!!! time really passes in terms of 'posting'.. that's horrible.. haha.. had a nice cg outing on friday at manhatten fish market and then b&j!!

haha you can see everyone trying their best to tackle the tub of ice cream which was as solid as rock! i'm so gonna miss them.. miss our little talks and toilet trips.. miss the lunch time conversations, the before lunch conversations, the after lunch conversations.. ah.... we'll come together again soon!

ciaos for now!!

2007-10-17T12:43:00.001+08:00

i love ming dao!!!!!

2007-10-17T09:56:00.000+08:00

i love gary hayden's columns! btw, he writes for 'mind your body'... enjoyed his columns on happiness that time.. so it was a pleasant surprise to see him write a series on love! here goes!

long ago, said aristophanes, the human race was very different than it is today. each person was shaped like a ball- with 2 rounded backs, 4 arms, 4 legs, two sets of genitals and 2 heads. back then, humans were powerful and proud, so much so that they attempted to overthrow the gods. as punishment, zeus sliced each human in half, making the kind of individuals we see today.. so what we now experience as erotic love is really the desire to be reunited with our other halves, and made whole again.

when a person meets that very person who is his other half, he is overwhelmed.. with affection, concern and love. the two don't want to spend any time apart --- that is how true!

there are some things we may reasonably expect from a romantic partner: passion, excitement, companionship, and perhaps even marriage and children. but it is foolish to expect salvation.

our lives- private and public, domestic and professional- have value only in proportion to the love we invest in them and find in them. -- agreed!

well.. was just talking to bra.. if only love, and the process of pursuing love could be simple.. all these stupid rules of the love game, all the guessing and postulating and suppressing what you really feel.. granted, it might be thrilling, but it takes away the sanctity of love cos it reduces everything to just a game.. haha... all the best in this huge game people!

2007-10-16T20:56:00.000+08:00

heys shera, here are the links for the bday photos! there are 2 albums:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=58448&l=1c0e8&id=774780366

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=58451&l=e741a&id=774780366

2007-10-16T20:00:00.000+08:00

all of us are always searching for something..
even when we already have what we were initially searching for, we'll still continue searching for something to supposedly make it better..
maybe its this process of searching, the uncertainty, the unknown, that makes life more thrilling?

remembered this conversation i had with shera on our last day of posting at ttsh.. we were talking about the ultimate meaning of life. and we both decided that if we had to make the horrible choice between having a great career and establishing meaningful relationships, we will choose "establishing meaningful relationships" hands down.. but then i was wondering.. what is the use of establishing meaningful relationships? i mean.. is there a greater purpose for all these? so what if we had established meaningful relationships in this life? does it affect anything else? afterall, everything cease to exist after we take our last breath.. we might have influenced someone else, but how many of us actually influence others in a way that has a significant impact on their lives? and i felt that almost all the things that people do actually have a selfish intent.. let's say, helping people.. like.. helping poor people and not charging them and not expecting anything in return? why do we do this? its because it makes US feel good about ourselves.. it feeds OUR ego.. it satisfies US.. yeah, so almost everything we do are "selfish" acts..

and if we were meant to come to "earth" in "this life" to learn, to live life.. what are we living this life for? what happens to all the things we've learnt after we're gone? what's the purpose of learning so many things now.. do we have somewhere to apply them when we're gone? is there a greater purpose to all the things we're doing now? not just for the "immediate" future (like in 50 years time..) but for a more distant future maybe? i dunno if im talking coherently, because this is such an abstract thought.. and i'm distracted watching chong qing sen lin in the other browser haha..

and yeps.. shera and i agreed that choosing medicine was "a choice of exclusion".. we did not know what other things we wanna study more than medicine, that's why we chose it.. hmm to me, there is a difference between this "choice made by exclusion", and the die die wanting to be a doctor sort haha.. oh yeah i remember why we started talking about this.. its cos a ho told us that if given the choice to start over again, he would not have chosen medicine.. so our answer was we would still have chosen medicine because we can't think of any other course we wanted to do haha..

haha i'm enjoying the break! spent the whole day watching shows like house and grey's on the net.. then later on there's tv.. gosh i think my myopia is getting worse haha..

jiayou my fellow meddies who are studying hard for medicine test! do take a breather, dun overwork!!

2007-10-11T20:40:00.000+08:00

it pains me to know that relatives can be so stingy and mean to each other.. how is it that people can do all these horrible things to people who are living under the same roof as them? where have their conscience gone? why can't they be more magnanimous, just help out a bit when others are having a financial crisis? i think there is no need to be so jue2.. its scary to know that people like that exist, with such pure mean intentions..

and its also pains me to know that there are people who are struggling to make ends meet.. people who do not see a future in front of them.. people who wake up at 3 am to make soya bean milk to sell, then drive delivery trucks to deliver goods, then rush to clean a big office building for a miserable sum, then rush to pick her kids and cook for them, and then do part time at night.. and the whole cycle begins the next day..

most of us are living so comfortably.. although we can't be sure what will happen in 5 years' time, i'm sure most of us have a rough idea how our future might be like.. but there are some people who are living from mouth to mouth.. no savings, no courage to envision the future.. makes me think of our dear friends in the under developed countries.. while we are unhappily complaining about studying, they are scavenging for food, wondering when the next meal will be, battling with illnesses that shouldn't have been a problem in the first place.. i really wish i can go into their minds, find out what kind of attitude they have towards life.. wish i can find the passion with which they live life, their determination to carve out a tomorrow for themselves and their families, and their courage to face a future which holds many uncertainties.. wish i can wake up some day and get inspired by something..

thought my test would be today.. but it was all adrenaline for nothing.. my tester was too busy.. *shudders at the thought* so now its tomorrow....... in the end i din go home to study.. went to nydc with shera wenphei wanzhen yingxian and kenny and nice yingxian treated us to dessert and starters.. i really enjoyed their company!!! just glad i have the chance to come across people who are so nice and who make me feel so at ease.. and who open my eyes to many things around me.. being around good and nice people inspires you to become a better person yourself :)

haha alright my 9pm show is starting...
last day at ttsh tml..
will miss everyone.. especially *wink* hahahaha..

2007-10-10T17:23:00.000+08:00

hmmm..
emotional roller coaster for me..
i can always be my vulnerable self in front of wen phei and shera.. and that's comforting because its very tough being strong all the time.. thanks for being here gurls..

shera and i were talking about fate yesterday..
so is there such a thing as fate?
if u dun think that fate exists, or if u think that u can change fate..
maybe..
it is fate that you should think that way. maybe it is fate that u think u can change fate, that's why things turn out the way they do.. yeah, maybe that was all written in the stars.. who's to know?

and then, we were talking about medicine people today..
we came to a conclusion that medicine is such a serious profession, most people look so solemn.. so the moment u see a medical personnel who is bubbly and vibrant and gives u the feeling that he/she is fun to be with, you are immediately attracted to the person.. ya la, i guess that works for the both of us, and i guess wenphei too.. cos we are all crazy people haha..

was pangsayed by my cg mates today.. so i was the only one following ward rounds.. and somehow i was left alone with ccy while he was using radweb and he asked
"so what is your next posting?"
"er.. psych med i think"
"where is it?"
"i think mine's at NUH.."
"so how long is it?"
"err.. 8.. er.... i think its 4 weeks..."
"i though psych med is always 8 weeks?"
"errr i'm not too sure.. i haven't checked it out so im still blur.."
"why are you so blur?"
"errr.. cos i dun want to know too many things in advance haha"
"why? so u mean u dunno anything that is going to happen?"
"er.. i roughly know the time period.. so when the time is near then i check up the details.."
*ccy smiles a little* "so why? haha"
"escapism i guess? knowing too many things and knowing that many things are lined up ahead makes me very stressed so i rather not know too much and take things as they come.."
"so this escapism saves u from planning?"
"er it saves me from all the stress haha.."
*ccy looks at me bemused* *br blushes cos she just said a whole chunk of nonsense* *some MO comes and talks to ccy* *br heaves a heavy sigh of relief*

omg. that was a scary encounter. not cos it was really scary but cos it was the first time a consultant actually bothered to find out something personal about you.. it was nice but ya, i think i gave him a real bad impression cos i was stuttering all the time.. too nervous larhs. and yeah.. my escapism approach probably made him think im like an airhead haha. which is true, i feel like an airhead sometimes.. haha. ward rounds made me completely blur. i'm in a daze most of the time cos i dunno wads going on.. just totally switch off lo.. until ccy starts asking questions and then we cannot answer them haha.. i hope i improve soon.. quite demoralising sighs.

sigh.. sometimes i feel overwhelmed by all my flaws.. as the days go by, i find that i have so many so many flaws.. i mean, self-discovery is nice, but yeah, its not very exhilarating when all you find out are flaws about yourself.. its very demoralizing in fact.. all those thoughts of "oh my, why do i always do this? why do i always make the same kind of mistake? why do i always react this way in that kind of situation? why couldn't i have done some other thing? why can't i control myself? why am i like this?" etc etc.. i'm not hating myself dun get me wrong.. its just.. demoralizing that my flaws are so.. starkly obvious to me. and they just keep appearing and accumulating. and probably there are tonnes of other flaws that others have noticed but are too nice to tell me. sighs.

as i was walking down the NUS hill yesterday after the A&E visit for COFM project, i turned back, wanting to ask liwei sth.. and i found liwei and miriam deep in discussion for the cofm project with dr wong.. and suddenly this warm feeling emanated from my heart... it was this very nice feeling of "everyone is working hard for a common goal"..i think it sounds nicer in mandarin "da jia dou zai wei le yi ge gong tong de mu biao er nu li fen dou.." and i had this image of everyone busy slogging in their groups, and finally coming out with this brilliant presentation.. its this feeling of "collectivism" that makes the hard work all worth it..

i guess its the same when you look for a life partner.. its someone whom you "work" with side by side, striving for your common goals in life.. you need not be doing the same things, and you do not have to be physically together all the time, but in the end, the comfort and satisfaction stems from the common knowledge that both of you will be there supporting each other, lending a listening ear, giving a reassuring hug, when the going gets tough.. having someone in ur life serves as motivation for you to be a better person, makes you want to strive harder, because you know you are not alone on this journey, there is your special someone who is also striving hard, whom u need and who needs u too. you might be doing different things, but the spiritual support of that someone who shares your goal and who cares and understands just makes the experience different..

i have no idea why i am waxing lyrical about this when my test is tml.. haha.. i think psych posting is gonna be xiong.. got 2 writeups, got mcq test, got osce summore.. hais.! must really enjoy the 1 week break..!

i think i know why i am starting not to have so many aims and trying not to "want" so many things.. because wanting something and knowing that you cannot have it is very agonizing. very very agonizing. and wanting something and yet not being able to try your best to get it because it is not appropriate, is very very very agonizing too. so.. its best not to want anything. but that makes u a spineless person. aiyars.

time. i dunno if u shud hurry or slow down.
oh ya, horoscopes are not true. sigh shera!
lets hope all our wishes come true..

2007-10-03T19:30:00.000+08:00

know that i've not been updating my blog often, so, sorry!
and.. i haven't uploaded the pics yet! so.. sorry again! i will upload them soon! :)

i've been enjoying surgery haha.. at first i thought it wouldn't be as fun as medicine cos everyone's busier and no one really bothers to talk to you or teach you.. but wells, nice things occur when you keep your mind open!

got to know friends better.. like shera, wen phei, melissa, yingxian.. i love talking to people who are sincere and true.. :)

i guess it's really hard to let go.. dear gurl.. be strong k.. i understand how u feel.. and yeap, the only 2 solutions left are.. let go, or pursue and be prepared to possibly get hurt.. and yeaps.. i guess wad u said is true, we like to put on strong fronts but actually inside we're quite mushed up haha.. i guess i haven't found someone who wouldn't be put off by my childishness haha..

time passes.. erms.. quite slowly? its only been 2 months plus, but it feels like its been years.. im getting used to it slowly but surely... wells...

sometimes i think i shouldn't keep saying stupid things.. things that are said for fun, to make things light-hearted, but which may make people who do not really know me think i actually subscribe to those values.. haha.. i'm actually not the way many people may make me out to be i think haha..

and yups.. i think i should be more patient.. being impatient and hence being proactive will only make things worse.. yeah.. time.. its my greatest enemy.. but i can't wait!!!! now now now!

i love my friends, and i wish you all well...! always here for all of u! :)

2007-09-01T13:11:00.000+08:00

i dunno what's happening to me..
totally no mood to study
thinking about things i shouldn't be thinking about..
doing stupid things like
walking into tutorials near the end and then thinking that it only just started..
and then blushing at starbucks
omg.
i dinnoe i can blush haha.
some things just can't be helped.

some things are meant to be forgotten.
shouldn't be pursued because the consequences are too great
and outcome too iffy
although it might be worth it.
aiyah my brain should get a hold on itself.

meanwhile.. thanks shera haha :P
and so sorry mich for pangsehing you for lunch!
i was really in a rush for time on mon! i was so hopelessly late
and jessssssssss hows u???? jia yous dun get too stressed out lei..
b.. miss you!

2007-08-23T19:59:00.000+08:00

surgery is making me so so so tired. waking up so early is torture! i just wanna sleep and sleep and sleep.

2007-08-20T23:11:00.000+08:00

wow.. its been a very.. hmmm.. traumatizing few weeks.
traumatizing cos.. i was gonna have end of medicine posing test but i wasn't feeling the heat of it all until the day before the exam..
was still slacking so much, watching so much tv.. all the bao jia wei guo, SATC, korean show..
where has my discipline gone to?
kept telling myself i had enough time, i will manage somehow haha, and on the eve of the exam i panicked cos there was so much more ground to cover but there was no more time..
and what was best was i forgot to bring the notebook that i copied everything in to CGH.. and we had to wait rather long to be tested.. so couldn't do productive last minute revision.. blahz.
and yeah the whole test was a disaster. like. t.o.t.a.l. d.i.s.a.s.t.e.r. and i think i actually deserved the outcome whatever it may be cos i have been much too slack the whole of medicine posting. wasted time doing unnecessary things.. time to buck up.. haha.. its the worst test i've ever had, and well.. i'm surprised that i'm taking it so easy despite the horrible outcome.. like.. skipping some steps to save time in order to perform other steps which i forgot to do in the end cos the examiner hurried me and any sense left in my brain just flew out the window. but well.. i dunno la.. i think i really deserve it la.. so i can only blame myself for it.
hopefully i wun fail. trying to convince myself that even if i fail and gotta do a reposting for med, it'll be for the best.. afterall, everything works out for the best doesn't it?

well just very glad that after the whole ordeal, i went to play squash instead of choosing the easy way out of stoning at home.. bitched to yeelin haha then felt so much better.. played lots of 2-against-1.. uber fun! thoroughly enjoyed playing squash 2 agaist 1 haha.. saw this guy (apparently some SAF big shot) with a weird haircut. his hairstyle is really the "put a bowl over ur head and cut the hair that juts out from underneath" kind. yeelin and i were like saying funny things about it.. and yeah, he's the A type personality, super competitive.. quite an eye opener playing with him!

then went out with chor chor to see fireworks and enjoyed a late late dinner at nyny.. once again i'm amazed that an island so small like singapore can house so many people.. the crowd kept thronging by while we ate dinner.. it was crazy.. fireworks was nice, but it was the company larhs. had a nice time chatting to chor chor, listening to his antics like kicking a hole in his door.. haha.. sorry zhi veldie eugene joel rous and beanbean for not joining u all that night!

also had liwei's belated "surprise" birthday lunch at marche's vivocity.. nice cosy little gathering.. and then walked ard very very long and spent quite a bit of money.. but well had another v nice talk with wernsern.. i like great conversations..

can't believe i have to be at ttsh everyday by 730am.. i used to be so slack. like going to AH only at 10am.. waking up at 830.. now i gotta be up at 6? craziness. hope my body clock can get used to it! and hope some internal engine in me will start working.. haha..

and yesh i'm glad im in the same hospital with my chiobus shera and wenphei! if u gals are reading this... HELLOS!!!! haha!

adios! and hope mr wang is doing well adapting in the US.......

2007-08-07T15:20:00.001+08:00

hahaha wad a funny quote from SATC

you're a nobody till somebody loves you

hmmm actually i dunno what's so funny abt it, but i just find it funny..

2007-08-06T19:13:00.000+08:00

just a crazy random thought..

if only we could exercise in our dreams and the results translate into reality!
wow i can really make full use of my time then! i dun mind giving up sweet dreams and have running sessions in my dreams instead (i mean we dun remember most of our dreams anyway), and poof! wake up feeling great and all worked out! haha..

and hmmm was just thinking..
is it better to crowd all the patients with the same illness into one ward or is it better to space them out in different wards? good thing about them all being in the same ward is that they will not feel that they are alone.. i mean, misery loves company, and all of them are inflicted with the same type of illness.. its kinda like a silent "support group" i think..
but the downside is that they will take comfort in the fact that their illness probably isn't that bad since it is so common and many people are also suffering from it.. and that might lead to complacency or whatever you call it and they might not be so meticulous in their own care.. but i guess that is not so likely to happen.. cos they will be able to see the consequences of not taking good care of themselves from other patients.. and it also brings them down to earth that complications do happen and can happen to them just like they did to the other people around them..
alright, that was another crazy random thought.
'nuff random thoughts for the day!

oh ya, i do believe in karma..

2007-08-05T20:40:00.000+08:00

oh gosh, my weekend is so guiltily refreshing..
slept so so so so much
ate a lot of cos..
went out with my parents..
and.. the greatest sin of all
sex and the city.. i finished the whole season 4 that's reallllly bad
and my end of posting test is like.. very soon?

i was watching sex and the city on my labtop in the kitchen and my mum was sitting next to me.. haha i'll never forget the horrified look on her face when she heard funny sounds coming from my com and then saw explicit things she shouldn't have seen when she peeped over.. haha.. and then she feebly asked me what i was watching (i think she thought i was watching erps porn?) and was surprised when i just non-chalantly (i tried my best to be) told her it was another tv serial.. haha that scene was worth a million bucks.

i guess that show isn't all about the "porn" and "sex" part.. i admit that show is a little too "sexual" for the asian appetite, but it does bring out many pertinent issues that are worth thinking about.. things that you dun find in the textbooks, things you can only learn from experience..

seems like july and august are the months of heartbreaks.. to all my dearest friends who are not having it easy now, please cheer up.. you are not alone.. i'm always here if u need me.. someone more suitable will eventually come along, hopefully..

haven't heard from the gurls for a super long time.. i guess they must be busy having fun before school reopens.. lucky them.. i wish my break was a bit longer too..

and i'm becoming increasingly aware that i'm actually very needy.. that's so contrary to what i hope i am.. needy of emotional support, of a pillar, of a constant in this everchanging world.. someone i can stick to and cling onto admidst all the routine chaos.. someone who will always be with me, not physically but spiritually. someone with a common aim, with insight, guide me along life.. someone to sit with me and talk me through things, bring things into perspective, give me some sincere heartfelt encouragement, drop me some inspiration, drop me messages, give me things to look forward to.. i realised i really hate hate hate being left alone, feeling alone, being alone.. it really brings me down.. and the great irony is that i am not really very sociable. what a horrible combination.

just heard that my dear senior who's 23 is engaged! gonna ROM next jan, and holding the ceremony when she graduates.. my jaw really dropped. i couldn't close my mouth and she had to tell me to close it when she broke the news.. i'm really really so so so happy for her! wow! i mean.. people ard us are starting to get married! we are really growing up sia.. its like.. the end of dating.. end of looking around.. the start of a stable life, of settling down.. the start of becoming a "mrs somebody".. accepting rsponsibilities of being a wife.. its like.. the real thing.. the "forever", 'the one', that same person you're gonna spend your whole life with.. when she told me, all these just came like an avalanche into my mind.. engagement is such a magical word.. it brings an immense sense of joy, security, stability, yet its also very scary because of all the maturity its 'aftermath' requires. its just unbelievable that my dear friend 2 years older than me is going to accept these responsibilities and make those promises.. can't wait to attend her wedding! and yes, i think she found herself a good man.. someone who goes the extra mile to spice things up, someone who thinks of the relationship from the 'we' point of view, someone who puts her into the equation whenever possible.. what more can a girl ask for?

well well, as for me, i LOVE MY FAMILY. my wonderful father. my fantastic mother. my adorable sister. love them to bits. i dunno what i'll do without them. it makes me scared to think of life without them.. what will i do? how will i cope? it just scares me to know i'm so dependent on them.. and i wonder how there are people who can get by without family support.. it makes me so so grateful for whatever i have now..

alright.. time for season 5.. adios!

2007-07-17T18:57:00.000+08:00

:) life goes on...

gotta thank life for all the lessons it has given me
because yes, i've learnt.
and hopefully i wun repeat the same mistakes...

when i look back on my life 50 years from now
at least i can tell my grandchildren interesting stories
hahaha..
if i have grandchildren that is..

jia you isotope..
someday you'll find someone who appreciates all your sacrifices and cherishes you even more because of all that you're willing to do for him.. so dun let someone who takes u for granted get you down.. if he's not a worthy friend, then i guess there's not much point, you should just move on..

jia you bx..
must be brave, i know its hard, i know there's a lot of inertia, i know there's a lot of uncertainty.. i know its new territory, but you need that big bit of courage to break out of the cycle first, and things will just get better from then on.. and i know you're already making big improvements, even if you yourself dunno it.. dun be too hard on yourself.. our greatest critics are ourselves, you gotta forgive yourself sometimes ya? i love you and will always be here for you :)

2007-07-16T19:20:00.000+08:00

i shall strive to be more active with blogging! haha..

it was bena's birthday party on sunday!

happy birthday dear gurl!

and it was another great class outing! eric lost soso sososososo much weight, wang ning is funky as usual.. haha and the rest of us are just the same..

really nice talking to sang sang, wang ning and everyone else..

and yeps.. it was a very nice council outing on saturday.. got to see so many other ppl! no one really changed much.. haha.. and we had our little private girl's outing (selene+alina+me) at sel's house till late at night..

really enjoyed myself catching up with al and sel.. reminds me of our little walks ard the old rj track, sitting at the canteen tables talking..

thanks a lot to everyone who's been here for me.. i'm really very touched..

mich, joel, jess, betty, ryan, chor chor, bean, sang, kai lyn, wen kien, sel, al, bra, eugene, ning ning.. sorry if i missed anyone.. thanks so much guys and gals.. i really love you all.. :)

tan sisters! bena, sang, me!

sang sang, the great cook who prepared all the food single handedly for bean's party!

the great singer stephrene and hons!

the almost complete tan sisters shot (we're missing christelle unfortunately)

so3f forever! (spot the funky wang ning..!)

2007-07-14T11:22:00.000+08:00

怎么能忘
时间多长
你快乐吗
想代替你回答

你知道吗
走了好远
我才能去面对
这份牵挂
沉默伤悲

你要的不是我
心碎的失去轮廓
曾经给你的感动
只是情绪的波动

能给的不是我
放任你沉溺自由
掩饰不了我的笨拙
就连说话都会颤抖
我被遗忘
在你遗忘的角落

I Will Go On Without Her
Like A Fool Who's Too Sure
I'm Like A Bird Who's Lost Her Wing
A Fire Without Its Flame
I Don't Know How To Be Strong
When My Love Has To Move On
I Am A Song Without A Soul..

2007-07-14T10:38:00.000+08:00

i thought i'll be fine
but i'm still hurting
especially in the mornings
and at nights
maybe all the time even..
its always there
and i dunno why i'm hurting too

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

2007-07-13T22:37:00.000+08:00

a cool libra 1 exterior is less evidence of emotionlessness than an attempt to keep feelings under control...

hey i wish i am dreaming
hope this is all a bad nightmare
hope that when i open my eyes
i'll be back in my one-room flat in taman jurong
and then think to myself
"wow, i actually dreamt a super long dream of my future.."
and then get on with life

again, i understood the literal meaning of "heartwrenching"
of "xin suan"
its not an airy baseless term coined by people
it really does describe the exact state of the heart
those spontaneous bouts of tightening pressure in your heart
bouts of crying that are totally uncalled for
having tears well up in your eyes for no reason at all
that rolodex of images
that sinking feeling that those were the last times
that all those familiar things were going to be unfamiliar
the bottomless void that engulfs you
feeling so lost and not knowing what to do
feeling so alone in the world
not knowing who to turn to
those memories of the past that just pop up in my mind
the toilet, holiday inn hotel, the car, the room, the place where we ate porridge, zion road hawker centre, the friends, the couch, the image of him standing in the carpark waving and sending me off in my car.. the image of him doing it for the last time, the feeling of excitement on receiving his messages, on knowing i was gonna meet him later, the songs wen bie, a whole new world, him looking in the mirror in the lift.. the last hug, the way he ruffled my hair for the last time..the way everything seemed so easy.. the sinking feeling that it was the last time.. the trying to smile through it all, the misplaced optimism that i kept with me right from the start..
the tiffany necklace that i wear everyday and whose chain broke and i wanted to go get it fixed but now there's no need to anymore.. those feelings of disappointment that i tried to brush away so many times..
the scary thoughts of wanting to get myself drunk so that sleeping and waking up does not seem so scary..
reading past messages again..
wondering if i was self deluded
wondering if it was all real
wondering what went wrong along the way
trying to make sense of it all
trying to put everything in place..
i know eventually it will pass
and it probably is for the best
i understand your point of view
and i know deep down, though i refuse to admit it outright
that i am probably not the one for you
misplaced ridiculous disillusionment and optimism perhaps

what the patient said today is right
i am emotional
and when i get emotional and disregard logic
i get into trouble
but what's a relationship without emotions..
and yes
i want what i want immediately
i can't wait
this is so true
and now i want immediate relief
i want it all to pass
i hate time
i really hate you time.

i wanna hole up at home alone
but i am scared of being alone
oh crap
when did i become so weak.

everything will be fine
yes, everything will be fine..
once i get over the images..
the numerous last times
everything will be fine. :)

2007-07-13T09:34:00.000+08:00

empty
lost
a sudden void
fear
heartaches that come on for no reason
images of the past
and then the knowledge that they'll probably only exist in my memories from now on
when things start to hit me
start to register
that it was the last time
that things have changed..
how can life go on like any other normal day when its just not normal anymore?

2007-06-07T20:36:00.000+08:00

i dunno how i let myself sit in front of the computer and watch shows all day!
i gobbled down grey's season 3, house season 3, and sex and the city seasons 1 and 2.. and now i'm hungrily devouring season 3.. i can't believe i'm leaving for vietnam this coming thursday.. its like.. i've been wasting time at home and poof suddenly time passes so fast and its time to go for my hols.. i'm looking forward to it of course.. but the only sad thing is that school starts right after we come back from the trip.. yes, 1 whole year of crazy memorizing drugs names, projects, procedures, illnesses, signs, symptoms, wearing shoes that give blisters, standing and walking ard aimlessly in hospitals.. its just unbelievable. it really is.

and then there's the perpetual stomach bloatedness.. i forgot when was the last time i was hungry and not worried about how it'd feel when food goes down into my stomach.

and i wanna thank my boyfriend for trying..
and all my friends for being there for me..
suddenly feeling so sleepy.. i think its time for my 9pm show..

2007-06-04T10:42:00.000+08:00

Maybe we accept the dream has become a nightmare.
We tell ourselves that reality is better.
We convince ourselves it's better that we never dream at all.
But, the strongest of us, the most determined of us, holds on to the dream or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered.
We wake to find ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful.
And, if we're lucky, we realize in the face of everything,
in the face of life
the true dream is being able to dream at all.

- grey's anatomy

2007-05-29T16:21:00.000+08:00

where were you when i needed you the most?
do you even care?

2007-05-13T23:39:00.000+08:00

halos all!
know it's been a very long time since i last updated my blog..
so many things have been happening.. so many feelings i've been experiencing.. so many things i'm discovering..

would just like to thank my wonderful cg mates eugene and bra for always being there.. like when i really need some human connection cos everyone around me are too busy..when i need some escaping from reality, when i need to bitch, when i need some advice and perspectives.. just to be there.. they're really a blessing.. med sch and life would be so so different without them.. its just amazing how 3 people who have never met before med sch can become so comfy ard each other and just show our anal, anti, wadever sides to each other haha.. :) so if u guys happen to read this, thanks a million!

i've come to realise that i cannot be alone. i really get super super depressed when left alone..alone need not mean solitude.. one can feel alone in a crowded place too.. i need people around me, not just any random person, i need someone i'm comfortable around, someone who's MY friend, someone who sees me as important and shows it, just like how i see him/her as important too.. ie. i need attention, i just dun like the feeling of being left out.. and what compounds that problem is that i am not that sociable by nature.. i can talk a lot, be chummy to ppl i'm familiar with, but with an unfamiliar crowd, i feel totally helpless and lost. just shrink into my own little corner and hope for the warmth of some familiarity.. and it basically just goes on a downward spiral.. yeah, it all boils down to feeling left out again..that's why i dun like to attend events without my close friends.. i'm not that kind who can sit quietly in a group and observe other people, analyze their personalities from their inter-personal skills etc.. i need to be included.. so i guess the worst mental punishment i can ever be dealt with is to be left out and left alone.. weakness exposed, oh no. haha..

well well.. feeling pensive and moody today i guess.. seems like that's the feeling i have the majority of the time i'm blogging haha.. many many thoughts in my mind, and they are all random.. disrupting my date with tally o'connor..
ignorance can really be bliss.. when some things are made too clear, you can't escape or pretend they dun exist anymore..
i dunno..
i'm starting to not understand what people expect of me..
i'd like to think i've always been rather accomodating.. i try my best to please everyone.. i mean.. i've come to realise that that's intrinsically me, cos i dun like conflict or disharmony.. it can be a strength, but its also a weakness..
my character becomes so fluid.. i'm like this puppy, so eager to please.. and i forgo many of my own wants just to make others happy.. when i dun give in, others are unhappy, and that kind of open displeasure and bad vibes really kill me.. when i give in, others are happy, and i am really glad for the harmony and happy vibes, but there will come a time whereby i cannot suppress those bubbling undercurrents within me anymore.. and even if those undercurrents are transiently suppressed, they inevitably resurface from time to time and make me reflect and confused and not know what to do..

hopefully time will bring me answers.. but first, time has to reveal to me the questions i need to ask..
for now, i shall just be contented. because i am already so lucky to have a healthy body and mind.

adios!

kenneth's 22nd birthday!

2007-04-13T11:29:00.000+08:00

happiness. we both ended our exams on the same day! i practically went crazy the whole day.. super high.. must thank eugene and bra for shopping with me the whole afternoon and being my fashion consultant haha..

we had dinner at a restaurant in swissotel.. nice food! and nice conversations too! :)

the happy bday boy!

kenneth and his parents :)

the crystal jade cake

me with his family :)

2007-04-13T11:28:00.000+08:00

gave kenneth a belated birthday treat at villa bali! hey peeps u all shud go there too! nice ambience, the food is great too! its got a relaxing resort feel.. very nice.. got a little mozzies tho. i had a great time gorging myself and talking and chilling out last night.. i hope you enjoyed urself too dear :)

the nice food at villa bali.. some veg kebab, veg platter, lamb set..

haha i had to force kenneth to take a pic! he can carry off the preppy look quite well right!

haha we walked ard a bit with wah ming and ended up taking picture at this isolated dining "hut".. yes, i highlighted my hair, it looks REALLY hideous. so tempted to go dye it black again.

2007-04-02T17:06:00.000+08:00

hi peeps! its been long...!

been studying.. tho' albeit the not productive despite the long hours stayed at home..
note that i said 'stay at home', not 'reading notes'
haha cos somehow i'll be milling around the house and tada, somehow time just flies away
and there goes.. the studying debt accumulates and accumulates..
from having to do 4.2 lectures a day, it quickly accumulated to the point whereby i have to do 7 plus lectures a day in order to finish my FIRST round.. i still haven't finished my first round yet.. unlike my dear cg mates who are way past the 1st round.. well done boys haha..
so i have no idea what i'm doing blogging.. but cannot larh.. brain freeze la.. things are not even going in..
must thank eugene for asking me to chill and checking on me periodically haha.. makes me a lil less stressed when we complain about how slow and unproductive we are haha..
and of cos millions of thanks go out to my dearest boyfriend who has been lending me his ears while i bitch and bitch agitatedly about stupid bugs haha..
1 more week till the end of microb.
a part of me feels happy.
the other part feels panicky.
haha
what schizophrenic emotions.
yeah yeah yeah.. must be my NMDAR getting blocked leading to loss of glumatergic transmisson.. and my reticular activating system must not be working cos i am not feeling awake at all, not even with the help of coffee which is staining my teeth so terribly.. my gums are ulcerating and my lips are swollen cos i've been scrubbing my teeth religiously 4 times a day to get rid of all those much talked about stains haha..

ok enuf. ciao!

2007-03-16T09:55:00.000+08:00

i know i've been taught
to take the pain
rest assured my angels
will catch my tears
walk me out of here
i'm in pain..

hey man..
i dunno what i need
but i badly need something to help me get through my days

i know its a tough time for everyone..
we'll get through it together..

but right now
i need some light and enlightenment to be shed on me..

2007-03-12T18:43:00.000+08:00

this is it.
no more excuses.
let's see what i can accomplish this year when excuses no longer have a role in my life.
my super delayed new year resolution.
and yes, its one of the rare few that i made with conviction.

after feeling rather depressed and miserable for 3 big quarters of the day
i finally got sick of myself.
i forgot since when i have become such a weakling.
its like.. the baorong who would take on tough opponents and endure tough trainings suddenly vanished into the past.
and now, what remains is only this whining piece of complaining-machine that keeps rattling out excuses after excuses so that she doesn't have to do anything hard.

cummon.
i chose this path knowing full well the difficulties that lie ahead.
so who am i to complain about all these things when its all expected?
life is meant to be enjoyed. (quote eugene haha)
and if my life is going to be full of all these tests and exams and memorizing weird bugs and drugs,
i am going to learn to enjoy it.
all these inanimate stuff are not going to get me down.
i am not gonna make my whole life miserable and down just because of these tests, which i chose, and i can't control.
there is more to life man.
i am going to enjoy every single moment of my life.
because there is only going to be one March 12 2007 in my whole entire life, and i am not going to let this moment pass in misery, only to look back in reminiscence and wish that i had done something else.
yes, studying is important.
but life is about learning, and loving the learning process.
that's exactly what i'm gonna do.
life is gonna be filled with never ending tests.
written tests, tests of character, verbal tests..
i'm gonna learn to embrace them all..!

there i was in the previous entry, lamenting the "lack" of challenges to hone my character.
its only now that i realise i've been choosing not to see these tests as challenges, cos i want to escape them.
so i've been wallowing in self pity about my never ending tests..
none of that from now on!

haha..
how's that for 3 hours of sitting at the play ground and reflecting on my life and what a wuss i've been?
dear friends and family, help me keep my new year resolution, if i make any excuses, deliberately or otherwise,
please just drop me a gentle reminder not to do so..
ciao! :)

2007-03-12T10:44:00.000+08:00

i am at a loss as to what to do.

i dun wanna start.

oh man.

cummon.

i must be happy
i must love studying.
i must be brave.
stop running away.
its time to wake up.
truth is i rather face other things than study.
bleahz.

jia you.

2007-03-11T22:35:00.000+08:00

i was suddenly reminded of Homer's Troy in turkey..
the 9 cities built on top of each other..
i remember it was the place all of us disliked.. because we could make no sense out of anything at all.. everything was just in a mess.. the 9 civilizations' debri just piled unsystematically on top of each other..
its just like the way many of us choose to face our problems.. we try to sweep everything into a remote recess at the back of our minds.. and then everything just keeps piling and piling..
and one day when the ground just can't bear the weight no more and everything crumbles..
its really not a pretty sight to take in.. things all tangled up.. hardly able to differentiate one from another.. so.. either solve the problem, or get on with life and stop, as in really stop thinking about it.

i really wonder whether i'm trodding down the right path in life.
if i hate, as in really hate anatomy, pharmaco and microb so so so so much, how am i suitable to be a doctor?
docs should be loving what they are studying.
so that they are able to rattle off the knowledge without even thinking.
how am i fit to be a doc when i'm hating the subjects that are so fundamental to my chosen profession? maybe i made a wrong choice this time round..

i think i have been so so so sheltered in my life..
part of me is thankful for it,
but the other part wonders what i'm missing out in life..
wonders what kind of person i will be after going through the trials and tribulations of a hard life..
i always believe the toughest circumstances bring out the best (and of course the worst) in everyone..
and yet i dread tough times.. i dread what might present when/if my smooth-sailing life comes to a grinding halt.
i ought to learn to embrace challenges and difficulties like my dear does..
talking to him always fills me with wonder how someone can relish challenges so much..
sure, what he talks about.. like.. university life as a journey of pursuit of knowledge, seeing projects as gaining knowledge on the world.. etc etc. do cross my mind.. and of course i try my best to think that way.. but unlike him, my conviction in these mantras wax and wanes..
i tend to get too bogged down by the little little things.. afterall, you can't see beyond the s**t when you are stuck in a pool full of that. its only when you/time has successfully carried you above all the troubles that you can look back and be grateful for that precious learning experience. yeah.. basically i'm just impressed by his attitude and his concentration.. must learn must learn..
i think i've always chosen the easier way in life..
perhaps giving myself one too many excuses to try out other things..
telling myself "this is me. this is my character. i can't help it!"
i dunno how i am gonna change that..
gotta try figure this out.
i wish i have a place i can go when i am feeling upset or pensive..
u noe.. in all the dramas etc.. when the character is upset, somehow he/she will end up at this scenic place where he/she can think and cry and sob.. and emerge stronger than before, with a new decision, with a new conviction, a new plan.
for hk dramas it'll be that moutain.. forgot the name..
for the semi urban shows it'll be some ulu corner facing some water body..
in ang moh shows it'll be somewhere near the sea..
in singapore it'll be long car drives with the windows wound down..
hey man..
i want a corner in singapore to call my own.
besides my house that is.
i want to be out there in sync with nature.
to think beneath the starry skies and figure out my life with the breeze fingering through my hair..

i am so so so afraid to close my eyes.
so afraid for the day to end.
because i know when i open my eyes again and the day begins..
that's when the nightmare begins.

2007-03-11T11:06:00.000+08:00

some really nice phrases from "for one more day" by mitch albom.

Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.
What if you got it back?

She wasn't easy on me, don't get me wrong. She smacked me. She scolded me. She punished me. But she loved me, she really did.
Her only flaw was that she didn't make me work for it.
You see, here's my theory: Kids chase the love that eludes them, and for me, that was my father's love. He kept it tucked away, like papers in a briefcase. And i kept trying to get in there.

Here is what you are going to find out about marriage: you have to work at it together. And you have to love three things. You have to love
1) each other
2) you children
3) you marriage.
What i mean by that last one is, there may be times that you fight, and sometimes you and catherine won't even like each other. But those are the times you have to love your marriage. It's like a third party. Look at your wedding photos. Look at any memories you've made. And if you believe in those memories, they will pull you back together.

Its funny. I met a man once who did a lot of mountain climbing. I asked him which was harder, ascending or descending? He said without a doubt descending, because ascending you were so focused on reaching the top, you avoided mistakes. The backside of a mountain is a fight against human nature. You have to care as much about yourself on the way down as you did on the way up.

You expect a lot of things in a marriage Charley, but who could see themselves replaced like that? I could have forgiven him almost anything against me. But that was a betrayal of you and your sister too.
You have one family Charley. For good or bad. You have one family. You can't trade them in. You can't lie to them. You can't run two at once, substituting back and forth.
Sticking with your family is what makes it a family.

I believe that parents, if they love you, will hold you up safely, above their swirling waters, and sometimes that means you'll never know what they endured, and you may treat them unkindly, in a way you otherwise wouldn't.
But there's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother's story, because hers is where yours begins.

very meaningful phrases.

miss uncle lesster suddenly.
UL, bx, me..
we've been through quite a bit man.
remember the first time huiling introed me to UL.
imagined him sitting on the harley motorbike and leather jacket.
haha..
wonder how i can ever imagine that.
yups. still remember the 3 of us met at the "big fishball noodle shop" in bukit panjang plaza. haha..
and then somehow bx also got to know UL..
hmmm..
will never forget how he took us in his little car for rides..
to kallang. to our homes. to take pictures at the "bars". to changi village. with kim lee and timothy arnold. in KL. being concerned about us.
how he listened to bx and me bitch and complain about our parents and schoolwork and coach.. and he'd sit down there and listen and offer some new perspectives.
perspectives that made me grow and learn to empathize with the adults living in a world totally different from mine. he never scolded us or forced us to see things his way. he just offered words of wisdom without being domineering.
he's one of those who moulded me into who i am today.
so UL. if u ever read this, thanks for everything. hope you are doing fine in africa... come back to sg soon!!!!!

2007-03-05T17:25:00.001+08:00

你在作恶梦吗?
抓紧我的手...
我会带你离开那恐怖的梦境
醒来以后
也继续抓紧我的手
如果你愿意的话...

2007-02-28T17:12:00.000+08:00

what a serene picture~
depiction of what is the total opposite from what i am feeling.
arghz.
who cares about stupid drugs and pharmaco.
ok. fine. they do matter. sighz.
back to studying.

2007-02-25T19:35:00.000+08:00

当朋友或亲戚到家里短住，
离别总是带来一种莫名的悲伤..
仿佛生活中那一小屡的精彩
就随着那个人的背影
流逝得无影无踪
只能叹息世上一切都是那么的短暂..
稍纵即逝...

2007-02-25T13:32:00.000+08:00

just a random thought..

患难见真情

it not only allows your loved ones to know how much they mean to you
but also brings upon a self-realization of how much you really love and care for him/her..

2007-02-23T12:00:00.000+08:00

没有经历冬天，
只拥有一生一帆风顺的春夏生命的人，
永远不能理解度过冬天的精神世界的层面.

2007-02-21T21:20:00.000+08:00

i'm so tired from the long car rides to and from KL..
and so utterly stressed up from the things i haven't studied and have to study for the irritating tests..
but seeing you always makes me feel so happy and energized..
like what the class95 dj said, "when you just want to see and be with a person for no reason, you know you're in love.."
totally agreed :)

happy CNY to all!

2007-02-16T19:45:00.000+08:00

here's the pics from yesterday! :) love yu all gurls!

@ crystal jade:

haha.. i can still remember "okay, 1.. 2.. 3.. say cheese......."

too bad we didn't manage to take any at tcc..

and i had a superb vday..! thanks for the gorgeous necklace and nice card, and also for planning dinner dear, really appreciated it.. and of cos, for wearing a striped shirt cos i've been bugging u to wear one :) you look great!!!

we'll have many more valentine's days to come, regardless of whether we choose to celebrate them or not haha..

2007-02-16T18:56:00.000+08:00

haha i can't believe i just sat down in front of my computer and listened to all 4 cds that betty bought for us haha..

thanks betty :)
and thanks a lot for that phone call too :)
you're so so so mature now!
and i totally understand what you mean *grin*
i guess ppl learn and grasp different things with the help of past experiences and the experiences of others..
i've learnt quite a bit too heh..
and.. wah the cd is so insightful haha
i just keep laughing to myself cos now i can see things from his perspective, and understand why some things matter to him so much when it doesn't come across as important to me..
and i guess all of us make mistakes and its good that its not too late to change! :)

jamie and mich! i can pass the cd to you all liao lo! haha :P
and i had such a wonderful time last night..
and yeaps jess and mich, i'm not angry or upset or anything larhz.. i guess i'm just v tired from the late night, i still love you all :)

lesson of the day:

Love each other in the way the other person needs to be loved...

2007-02-03T11:11:00.000+08:00

i love the Northern lights.. aka aurora borealis..

i think its gives you such a "heaven on earth" feeling..

the sky is being lit up by these heavenly lights at night.. and every night brings on different displays.. i really envy those ppl living in places where they can see the aurora!

i want to go to alaska and see the aurora!!!!!

many many things depend on 天时地利人和.. what you have might not be the best for you, it might just be the most appropriate thing at that time.. the right thing would have ben wrong at the wrong time..

and i think the person who said "live like there's no tomorrow" needs to add some qualifiers to his sentence.. i would love to follow my heart and live my life to the fullest today, but i can't not plan for the future, cos what if tomorrow does come?

haha ok.. this is crap :)

religion

2007-01-30T19:40:00.000+08:00

I finally finished watching all 5 parts! thanks bean for sending these links..

The God Delusion - 5 parts
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3p51MBKMLk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_aw1O6nyms
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZU111Q5ASs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZgX4lSy-Mg

this documentary is by richard dawkins, the oxford prof who wrote the book "the selfish gene"..
i wish i had seen this during jc.. then i'd have more things to say and write during gp class and not seem like an ignorant fool haha..

its rather interesting.. cos his words can be very sharp and caustic at times.. and haha the "candid" footages of "prominent" people blurting out their extreme views and getting angry is quite interesting too!

while his views may be rather extremist at times, its thought-provoking..
it gets me thinking about what is "faith"..
is faith like what we all know it as? unconditional acceptance of something being "thrown" to us, without questioning, without doubt? or do we need to have some "fundamental" evidence to build our foundation upon before we can accept the "bigger picture" that presents later?

its just like how you tell your friends "i have faith in you, don't worry."
you can have faith in some person because you really believe that the person has the ability.. if that person is a bummer and good-for-nothing, you wouldn't say "i have faith in you" before he goes for a job interview right? i mean of cos some of us will still say it as a gesture of politeness haha..

The documentary has some very funny quotes..

while science sees it as a challenge, religion thrives on unsolved mysteries.
so evolution driven by natural selection brings us to the top, from primeval simplicity to ultimate complexity. the designer hypothesis couldn't even begin to do that because it raises an even bigger bigger problem than it solves-- who made the designer?
the abundance and variety of life on earth may seem improbable, but it self-evidently seems even more futile to invent an improbable god to explain that improbability
the process of non-thinking called faith
this is a democratic society, but our gov wants to restrict our freedom to criticize faith
religion & faith discourages independent thought, it is divisive, and is dangerous
faith demands a positive suspension of critical faculties
what is really scary is that the religious warriors think that what they're doing is the ultimate good
what is the battle between good and evil is essentially the battle btn 2 evils

science cannot disprove the existence of god, but it doesn't prove that god exists.

haha.. that's why i'm an agnostic.
you can't prove it, you can't disprove it either..
so why not just take things as they come.. if there is a god and there is judgement day, you wouldn't have to fear if you have not committed hideous sins in this life, and have been leading a morally upright life..
and if this god refuses to acknowledge you because you didn't believe in him when you were alive, then.. i guess i can only be disappointed with this god. god is made out to be selfless and giving, the epitomy of righteousness, the moral paragon. if he's so petty about these kinda things, then no thanks, there's no need to believe in this god. what's important is that i know god exists for sure in my afterlife. who cares whether i believed it in my mortal life?

*yawn*
i need to get well soon..
maybe i'm sick so that my passion to study med will be renewed..

2007-01-24T23:22:00.000+08:00

came across this very sweet picture while surfing for inspiration for em's card yesterday..

yes.. things do change very fast

fate can seed in you a belief that a certain friendship can blossom

but only time can tell

maybe i need a hypnotherapist to bring the unconscious into the conscious..

2007-01-21T12:46:00.000+08:00

gosh..
what a nice video..
nickelback- faraway..
gives so much meaning to the song..
click on the link!!!

Far Away Video

Far Away lyrics - Nickelback lyrics

Nickelback Music Videos

Music Video Codes by VideoCure

'cos with you,
I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand

I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything
but I won't give up

have this overwhelming urge to head down to indochine tonight and listen to the live band..
takers anyone? girls?

2007-01-20T20:31:00.000+08:00

its nice to see wah ming again!
we've known each other for... 12-13 years? what a long time!

its strange how you can not see someone for quite some time, and when u meet up, you can "insult" each other like nobody's business.. haha.. all the name calling, taunting, teasing.. haha

and uncle johari also la..

"hey guys, you can treat baorong like one of the guys you know? don't be shy to tease her!"
*br makes a stupid face

"she was nice enough to play for our club.. haha.. but i tell you, after the first session, she told me 'uncle jo, my hand pain.. cannot play already.. then the second session, she said "uncle jo, my leg pain.." every session surely something pain haha!"
*br laughs super loudly at the side
"aiya, really pain what.. so long nv play then suddenly get thrashed by ppl.."

haha me and my excuses.
whatever happened to my new year resolution haha.

i just love being "brudder" with the guys la.. no awkwardness, no need for pretence, what you see is the real 'me'.

and yes.. isotope! haha wad a huge surprise to get your call.. sorry ah, had to cut it short cos i needed to go for trg. you gave me a super big shock lorhz. but it was rly great to catch up w u.. and i wanna hear your stories man. hear halfway only.. but ya, life's really unpredictable. who would have guessed the connections in our lives haha!!! and yes, i agree with your decisions..do keep an open mind though.. and please mind your back :P

i guess i need some self-talk now to keep myself sane haha.

2007-01-20T14:37:00.000+08:00

a very sweet song by aaron carter..

there's something i've got to say
you're always with me even though you're far away
talking to u on my cell
just the sound of your voice
makes my heart melt
oh girl
its true

i'm all about you
i'm all about us
no baby you nv have to question my love
and everynight
there's a new crowd
but its always u i'm singing abt
there is only one these words are going out to
oh gurl
i'm all abt you..

i know you worry sometimes
sometimes u worry
some other gurl will make me
forget you're mine
there's not a doubt in this world
that anyone cld take
the place of my no.1 gurl..
its true

when i close my eyes
i can see you
its like you're right here

and this feeling's only getting stronger
you're with me everywhere..

i'm all about you..

if only his actions are consistent with the lyrics of his song.
keep reading about him toying with the feelings of gurls blearghz

but nonetheless
this song is making me melt now..

2007-01-20T12:01:00.000+08:00

不想让你知道

忽然不想让你知道，
在我心中你多重要，
既然你要自由你就得到，
让你永远都记得我好。

忽然不想让你知道，
你的爱我已经戒不掉。
就让思念淹没我不想逃，
反正你将永远不知道。

今夜星光多美好，
适合用寂寞去凭吊。
我们曾用爱互相依靠，
付出多少不用计较。

想一个人多美好，
就算只剩记忆可参考。
被爱放逐到天涯海角，
我的思念你不用都知道。

直到有天你我年老，
回忆随著白发风中闪耀。
至少我清清楚楚知道，
你若想起我会微笑.

不想让你知道，但又担心你永远不知道..

2007-01-19T16:37:00.000+08:00

surfing through my friends' blogs..
wow there's this feature that allows you to play songs from their blogs..
and so i've been blasting different christian songs the whole afternoon
songs like "yearn" "arise" "the answer" by shane and shane..
and i have to admit that they are very nice
the guitar and vocals are very soothing
perhaps its because its suppose to be songs of worship
that's why they sound very earnest and sincere..
without the sadness and angst of the love songs playing on radio this era

saw my isotope's blog..
top 10 reasons why ppl dun wanna get married:

1.Skepticism about love and marriage
2.Lack of faith in God's provision
3.Unresolved issues from the past
4.Confusion about the rules of dating/courtship
5.A poor understanding of the purpose of marriage
6.Fear of getting hurt
7.Wanting the perfect mate
8.Not dealing with prior heartbreak
9.An unbalanced emphasis on career
10.Concern that their marriage will fail

alright, skepticism.
blame the tv shows.
recently i realised that for every happy ending, there are simultaneously many sad endings.
most of the time, we are too caught up in the emotional turmoil of the main characters to be able to feel the agony and pain of the "other" people.
and while we feel happy that the "prince" and "princess" got the happy ending they deserve, how many of us have spared a thought for the sidekicks?
and though all of us are the main characters in our own stories,
how can we be sure that we'll play important roles in that of others?
what's love? what's marriage?
the definitions are so subjective.
and expectations are so varied.
i don't blame people for being skeptical.

unresolved issues from the past.
i guess all of us are escapist by nature. in one way or another.
no one likes to revisit the unhappy past, though it is necessary to.

confusion abt the rules of courtship.
life is already so complicated, why make it more complicated?
i guess in the end what counts is honesty.
and of course one cannot afford to do whatever one likes
always spare a thought for the other party
that's 'nuff i guess?

poor understanding of the purpose of getting married
it is an expression of committment.
there are some people who say that if you are committed, then you are committed.
there is no need for a legal procedure or a piece of cellulose to affirm anything.
but since you are so committed, then why are you scared that the cert will tie you down?
i guess marriage is like a milestone.
it brings the couple to a higher stage in their relationship.
its kind of an emotional turning point.
you know, turning points usually occur when something drastic happens and makes you change your view.
the marriage ceremony is something like that.
you can't just wake up one day and then have a turning point.

ramble ramble ramble.
i'm just in a restless mood.

its amazing how i've turned out the way i am
i cannot remember when my temper started to get better bit by bit.
guess its been a long way.. from breaking rackets in the past, to letting things go with a smile.
trying not to be so competitive.
not so demanding
not so impatient
be more sociable
and tolerant
and not care too much abt what other ppl think
the changes are so gradual. and i dun even realise it until i reflect and realise that "the baorong in the past would have done this and that, not like now".
i believe people grow and learn from past experiences
we have to learn to let some things go
forgive and forget.
some turning points take a bit of adjusting to
in this world,
the only constant is change.

why do all good things come to an end??

2007-01-16T19:50:00.000+08:00

i am just not in the mood to study.. haven't been studying these few days anyway..

the future seems so obscure.. sometimes i wonder whether the things i am doing now will have any bearing on my future..
who knows?
i might get sick of medicine (sorry, pun unintended)
maybe pick up a new skill.. like baking.. and.. hmmm.. carve a niche for myself in another industry?

i wonder if i am too "unambitious"..
i am not aiming to be any well-known doctor or to be the most outstanding doc.. my only wish now is just to get by.. just do what i do..
seems like besides wanting to be a doctor, i do not have other "smaller" aims in life.. i only have one big abstract goal, the rest is a whirl of blur.

maybe i am just leaving some space so that i can fulfil some of my other "useless" wishes.. but precisely because they are so "useless" and serve no purpose, i have no motivation to go after them.. inertia larhz. envy you b.. u r courageous enough to go after what your heart wants to do.. go to japan, learn jap, take up sewing, go to singing classes, etc etc.. at least at the end of the day, even if things do not work out, you can tell yourself "i tried".

so fast.. everyone's turning 21 this year! betty, ness, qiantai, renji are adults already.. emily and moses soon.. i've known so many people for so long! ness, jess,b, liwei for 12 years, the rest of the girls for 9 years.. its amazing to look through the photo albums and see the transformation of all of us.. childish girls sitting beside the fish pond singing spice girls songs.. rebellious rg girls sauntering down orchard with low belts and ankle socks pretending that we are super cool.. ignorant jc kids thinking that we're the most senior and that secondary sch kids are childish.. and now uni undergrads pursuing our different goals in life..we're like kites with a single common origin, as the years pass, our lines slowly unreel and we soar in the vast blue sky in whatever direction the wind brings us to..
i like to think that all of us are flying at the same level, no one is higher than anyone else.. afterall, we're all searching for our own places in different parts of the sky, who's faring better and who's not is only a matter of perspective. we all have some things that others don't.
yeps, but at the end of the day, we all have a single origin. we all started out as silly young girls in rulang/rgs, always envying the seniors and wanting to grow up.. may all of us leave no "if only's" in our lives and be so close always!!! :)

reminiscing

2007-01-06T21:25:00.000+08:00

suddenly i thought of mrs prama, our discipline mistress in rgs.. i wonder if she's still in rg and if she's still the discipline mistress now.. we used to think she was super strict and ya, of cos everyone hated discipline mistresses..

there was this time, in either sec 3 or 4, when we went to msia for e junior open during the hols.. and bx and i dyed our hair.. i had one super cool blonde streak across my fringe (oh man i miss it..!) but of cos we can't go to sch with dyed hair.. so on the last day of hols, i bought some dark brown dye to attempt to dye my hair back to e original colour (which is not black).. but some chemical rxn took place and my whole head turned auburn! and it was too late to buy any other dye cos i dyed my hair super late at night so that i could have my super cool fringe for a few hours longer..

so i went to school looking like a chao lian with auburn hair. and of course, chao lians stand out in the carpark.. so i got called out to see mrs prama after morning assembly.. i mean.. yeah i should have expected it.. but still.. god knows how frightened i was la! i think i was close to tears lo.. i was just a rebellious kid who wants to rebel but was scared of the consequences.. i was thinking to myself this time sure die one.. confirm get booked or kena detention and scolded like shit lo..

but no! mrs prama was very nice about it! to my utter shock.. she was like "girl.. why is your hair this colour?" and i think at the time i was almost gonna cry.. then to my surprise she went, "its the 1st day of school, so i'm not gonna book you. but i'm giving you a deadline. get your hair back to the normal colour by tomorrow and come and see me again ya?"

oh my god. how nice was that?

my impression of her changed totally after that. suddenly, she became more human, not just this cold-blooded figure standing at the podium everyday scrutinizing the girls with eagle eyes, jumping at any opportunity to book them. yeah.. she won my respect.. this is an instance of how a teacher can make a student learn her lesson, not by reprimanding her, but by giving her another chance.

but of course, some other teachers are not as forgiving..

i think mrs newby the geog teacher had a super bad impression of me larhz.. went into the classroom and made a snide remark about my hair.. and i think the bad impression stuck with her for super long..

there was this time she caught me doing chinese hw during her class ( i had trg later in the evening mah, so must chiong no choice).. she just snatched my book away and glared at me throughout the whole class.. at the end of lesson she said i was to go see her if i still wanted my book.. so yeah, i went to find her during recess which was 1 block of class later.. she took super long to come out.. and when she came out we went to sit at the pavillion.. where she just stared and glared at me the whole time.. and i was so so so bloody intimidated and scared.. and i just kept apologizing profusely.. but she just had no reaction.. she had this smug look on her face and when she spoke, she only said "is there anything else you want to say?"

i mean, what else is there to say? i just kept saying "sorry mrs newby, i won't do it again".. and by that time i was really crying like nobody's business. i was terribly scared lo.. i dun get scolded by teachers often lo! imagine this poor girl sitting there crying and choking and coughing and struggling to say sorry.. while the teacher sits there emotionless and gives the cold treatment. in the end she gave the book back to me in quite a violent manner and asked me to shoo. like literally shoo.

i was still sobbing when i walked up the stairs and met mdm yeo lay, the physics teacher and squash teacher in charge. and the worst thing she could do was to ask me "what happened? are u ok?" oh man. the flood gates just opened once again, and this time i cried till i almost got an asthma attack.. i think she was so so so traumatised la.. she accompaned me to the toilet.. and after like.. minutes of trying to gasp for breath admidst the mucus and tears (i am NOT exaggerating) i finally told her "i got scolded by my teacher". oh shit i feel maluated thinking about it even lo. but surely, a student does not deserve this kind of treatment just for doing chinese hw during geog class right?

i think mrs newby really dislikes me.. the following year when i went back to rg during speech day to collect my prize, i met her on bus 105.. and yeah, she made some real sarcastic comment about me before she got off the bus. and reason being? the plaster i put on my heel to prevent the court shoes from giving me blisters was falling off. yeah.

the worst thing a teacher can do is to give the student silent treatment. its unduly traumatizing and does not serve any purpose except to give her something to write about on her blog a few years down the road.

i have no idea why i'm writing all these. but anything beats studying microb hands down.

listening to hotel california.

"some DANCE to remember. some DANCE to forget." (haha)

if you had to choose either one of the 2, would u want to dance to remember or to forget?
i choose the former. cos at least, there are good memories to hold on to..

not my lucky christmas..

2006-12-26T15:02:00.000+08:00

I like the way nicholas sparks can put into words the thoughts in my head..
Just finished reading his book, “At First Sight”..

“It takes two to tango. My guess is that both of you are right and both of you are wrong. That’s the way most arguments go. People are who they are and no one is perfect, but marriage is about becoming a team. You’re going to spend the rest of your life learning about each other, and every now and then, things blow up. But the beauty of marriage is that if you picked the right person and you both love each other, you’ll always figure out a way to get through it.”

I know men. Let me tell you, they can be rip-roaring mad or frustrated or worried about work or life, but in the end, they’re pretty simple to figure out if you know what makes them tick. And one of the things that make them tick is an almost desperate need to feel appreciated and admired. You make them feel that way, and you’ll be amazed at what they’ll do for you.

--hey guys! And gals! Is that true? Hahah!

Of course, they want great sex and want you to keep the house clean and neat and organized while looking beautiful and still having the energy to do fun things together, but admiration and appreciation are right up there.

You’re not the only one who has to make a sacrifice when it comes to being a couple. You think you’re getting the short end of the stick? Men have to make sacrifices too. Correct me if i’m wrong, but you want Jeremy to hold your hand and snuggle while you watch a movie, you want him to share his feelings and listen, you want him to spend time with your daughter and earn enough not just to buy but renovate the house. Well, I’ll tell you straight up that no man says to himself as he’s walking down the aisle, Gee, I’m going to work hard and sacrifice so I can provide a good living for my family, and I’m going to spend hours with my kids even when I’m tired, all the while hugging and kissing and listening to my wife and telling her all my troubles, and meanwhile, I’m not going to expect a single thing.”

A man promises to do the things to keep you happy in the hopes that you, too, will do the things that keep him happy.

Men have certain needs, women have different needs; that’s the way it was hundreds of years ago, and that’s the way it’s going to be hundreds of years from now. If you both realize that, and you both work on meeting each other’s needs, you’ll have a good marriage. And part of that, for both of you, is trust. In the end, it’s that simple. As long as you remember that he loves you and you love him- and both of you remember to act that way- you’ll be just fine.

how i miss the days in turkey..
rolling plains of sunflowers.. nice weather.. carefree.. wake up to the company of friends and new exciting things to come.. basically just fun fun fun.. no irritating bugs to remember or stupid antibiotics..

i want another trip overseas with friends!!!!!!!!! lucky bx and ness la.. must be popping their eyes ogling at cute jap guys now lorhz haha.. LUCKY PIGS!

and just wanna thank jess, mich, hp and jamie for lending me their ears.. i miss all these girl outings.. miss the rg days when we trained together, went to orchard together, sat at the round tables at the back of the canteen and get scared by the fat pigeons.. hahaz..

guess the year end is a good time for reminscing the past.. many things have happened this year sia.. major events.. i can't believe that they all took place within the space of 1 year.. some things are not particularly pleasant.. but owells, without them there'll be no opportunity to grow and learn.. i just hope unhappy things will not repeat themselves.. once is enough haha..

and yups, also wanna say hi to ISOTOPE and SELENE! i miss yu guys so much! *hugs*

happy boxing day!!! :)

desufnoc

2006-12-09T17:50:00.000+08:00

is it courage or is it a sign of weakness to walk away?

i am wearing thin.

2006-10-01T14:34:00.000+08:00

happy 21st birthday suriya! may the innocence and happiness of a child accompany you always!

2006-10-01T14:32:00.001+08:00

the happy boy who just turned 21 :)

2006-10-01T14:32:00.000+08:00

nice auntie actually bought 3 prima deli cakes for suriya!

2006-10-01T14:31:00.002+08:00

no no.. we want cake! no speech please!

2006-10-01T14:31:00.001+08:00

suriya and his 3 angels haha

2006-10-01T14:31:00.000+08:00

suriya and preetha!

2006-10-01T14:30:00.002+08:00

joel reveals his primitive instincts.....

2006-10-01T14:30:00.001+08:00

the mutilated cakes... yumz..

2006-10-01T14:30:00.000+08:00

bean and ian...

2006-10-01T14:29:00.001+08:00

happy shot in the little corner we called our own in suriya's house :)

2006-10-01T14:29:00.000+08:00

bean and the guys!

2006-10-01T14:28:00.002+08:00

tanliweiandchanweitateugene

2006-10-01T14:28:00.001+08:00

3stan xx with a few missing :(

2006-10-01T14:28:00.000+08:00

the clean-shaven joel proclaims he's caveman no more!

2006-10-01T14:27:00.000+08:00

i must have done something very bad in the past to have to put up with him thru 4 yrs of pri sch.. and now....

2006-10-01T14:26:00.001+08:00

ai ai!!! :):)

2006-10-01T14:26:00.000+08:00

alvin!

2006-10-01T14:25:00.001+08:00

jiemei and i! oh my.. look at that lovelorn look on joel's face!

2006-10-01T14:25:00.000+08:00

ian and the extrasome tan liwei

2006-10-01T14:24:00.002+08:00

ian

2006-10-01T14:24:00.001+08:00

a picture says a thousand words.......... :P

2006-10-01T14:24:00.000+08:00

ian got very sleepy without beyonce action...

2006-10-01T14:23:00.001+08:00

so he decided to do a scary face!

2006-10-01T14:23:00.000+08:00

joel wanted to try it too!

2006-10-01T14:22:00.001+08:00

finally its our turn for a picture!

2006-10-01T14:22:00.000+08:00

the vp of lbbc presenting the prize.. see the grimace on ian's face.. he wants the watch but he can' have it..

2006-10-01T14:21:00.000+08:00

suriya's truly shocked by the puma

2006-10-01T14:14:00.000+08:00

the birthday boy and 3stan + joel +eugene

2006-09-30T01:23:00.001+08:00

sunshine!

2006-09-30T01:23:00.000+08:00

close up.. its a.. tada crab! and guess why they gave me tt? cos ey say im full of crap :(

2006-09-30T01:22:00.000+08:00

my sporty bag from the gurls :) guess what the red thing is!

2006-09-30T01:21:00.000+08:00

my girly bag from bx :)

2006-09-30T01:20:00.000+08:00

the super yummy birthday cake :) thanks again..

2006-09-30T01:18:00.000+08:00

my darling girls :) thanks for everything!

male chauvinist

2006-09-30T00:20:00.000+08:00

read something in today's Today..
goodness. this one really got to me.
This Sxxx Lxxxx xxxx is such a MCP.
To quote what he said in the forum section..

"The conventional wisdom on divorce is that it only happens after both husband and wife have tried their best to save their marriage. But i have my doubts. In more than 70% of the cases, it was the wife who filed for divorce. Why?

Women continue to work after their marriage and having children. This i believe, must be one of the main contributing factors for the high rate of divorce.

Women prefer to work after marriage because this provides financial independence. When things get tough after marriage, these women are not willing to ride it out with their husbands and are not afraid to call it quits as they know they can easily support themselves.

Another problem arises when women continue to work after marriage. Husbands, who are usually the breadwinners, expect to return home to warm home-cooked meals and a well-organized house. But if wives are also working, they feel stressed and complain about doing housework after their day at the office.

Men will begin to feel deprived of these things. Tensions and misunderstandings build up.

If women stop working after marriage, i believe it can help foster a better husband-wife relationship and thus reduce divorces.

Women should understand that if they can't stand the heat of working life, it's better for them to get back into the kitchen. "

OH MY GOD.
i can't believe i am reading this kind of thing in this century!
oh my god.
I am so ASTONISHED and PISSED!

wow.. he speaks as though he understands marriages and in particular, divorces, very well. I wonder why. Has he gone through many divorces too?

my goodness

the last sentence especially. if women can't stand the heat of working life, they shud get back into the kitchen. my goodness my goodness my goodness. oh my goodness. i am just dumbfounded. like utterly totally at a loss for words.

so he meant to say that it is women's sole duty to stay in the house and look after the house, or kitchen? and only if they are able to juggle that well are they allowed to go out to work? what is this man.

i think this person is one heck of an insecure man. he's so scared of his wife having financial stability. it absolutely disgusts me. didn't it occur to him that this financial security gives women the chance and courage to fight for equal treatment and to speak the truth?

and doesn't he think that it is an absolutely sad case if a woman stays in a marriage just because she doesn't have the financial ability to opt out?

isn't this using money to oppress people?

oh cummon man.

i think his thinking is fundamentally wrong.

the problem lies not with the woman working.
it lies with the value and sanctity of marriage in modern society.
of cos, money does play a role. but it is not one of the main contributing factors i feel.
if a woman is not willing to solve problems when they occur in a marriage, one wonders why that marriage existed in the first place. and one wonders what the marriage means to her. it is something that has gotta do with the values that our society has. not work!

and.

where is equality man?

so he wants only himself to have financial independence so that only he has the power to call the shots in the marriage?

perhaps
why most of the divorces are filed by women is because men tend to escape from reality using work as an excuse, whereas women, being the more emotional gender, tend to brood more and thus come to a conclusion for the problem?

what is the world coming to?
haha

anyway, thanks to all those who remembered my birthday.. esp u :)

robbins pg 176

2006-09-24T13:05:00.000+08:00

There is no escape: It seems that everything one does to earn a livelihood, to subsist, or to enjoy life turns out to be illegal, immoral, or fattening, or -most disturbing- possibly carcinogenic.

What makes this so amusing is that this is found in a pathology textbook. haha!

finally an update!!

2006-09-22T22:58:00.000+08:00

yep! as the title goes, finally an update..

been rather lazy to blog.. because things have been happening and i haven't got any chance to slow down and think about them..

ok, school has started.. rather hectic, with notes piling dangerously high.. sighz..

the good thing, or (maybe bad) is..
this acad year is different from the prev one..

i guess i have morphed into a more social animal this year.. yep yep.. it takes a long time for me to get comfortable with the people around me, and i am really glad i have my beloved group of friends around me..they are the constant in this world of change that keeps me tethered to the ground. life would be so depressing and meaningless without them. thanks for everything dears.

flipped through the book "the secret language of birthdays" on wednesday, and the description was so alarmingly and unbelievably spot-on. all those self-confidence issues, spontaneity, insecurity, chaos, yada yada.. i love reading these kinda things, because they allow you to understand yourself better. you can only change yourself for the better when you know exactly which part of you you should change. and it also allows you to take better control of your emotions, because seeing it black and white helps put a written term to your abstract feelings, and so gives that formless entity some form of substance, and hence, some form of control..

and so i was thinking, are all those who share the same birthdate as me really so similar to me? then what happened to the "nurture", and even "nature" aspects of character? will a child born in an environment where his/her abilities are being affirmed all the time have low self-confidence simply by virtue of his/her birthday?

the book posed a question to those who share the same birthday as me: what do you see when you're in the eye of a cyclone?

i see the surrounding buffer zone of paradoxical calmness. and i see the chaos and destruction beyond it. i wonder if i can be the one who manages to venture through those 2 zones into the unknown beyond. and so with a burst of energy and impulse, i charge through the cyclone unarmed and unprepared, only to find that the path ahead of me has gotten progressively cloudier because of the mess the force of the cyclone has conjured. while the direction had been so clear before, i find myself now lost. and so i head back dejected, into the safety zone that is so familiar and go into recluse.. but after sometime, the temptation of what lies beyond gets to me, and the whole cycle repeats.

wow, i have no idea how that one question could end up with such a long answer..

had a really really really good heart-to-heart talk with sang sang today.. oh man, i miss jc days.. days of the 30 minutes jogging session in the sunset with bena and sang and sunny.. of playing floorball in the canteen using the dustbin as the goalpost.. of climbing the rj gates and getting caught by the police.. of spraying fire extinguisher into neh neh's ts when he's doing maths.. haha.. endless escapades..

anyway, back to the catch up session.. we were talking about school and relationships.. complaining and telling funny wild stories.. haha..

i guess both of us are the "luo-man-di-ke" type of girls, particularly me.. was quite disillusioned for a while, but i guess even disillusionment wears off. tv serials never fail to make me dream of fairytales.

and both of us have got a wild/bad streak in us.. haha..and its quite under control i think. well well.. girls just understand each other best.. we understand why we do the bitchy things we do, we find comfort in the sad fact that while we can understand each other, guys carn seem to figure out the female species. just unloading all those complaints.. of how tiring being understanding girlfriends can be.. of how constipating it feels when we're faced with situations which we are unhappy about but we just can't do anything about. of how things just died down because time breeds familiarity..

well well, moral of the story. being single rocks big time!! haha as ee sang says, "i can even feel the wind when i walk".. wow, the sweet taste of release from responsibilities and obligations and restrictions, and yes, expectations. the happiness of being who we really are, instead of trying to live up to the "ideal girlfriend" model we have in our minds because we feel our other half deserves the best. dun get me wrong, its not that we mind sacrificing or changing ourselves (any relationship is a dynamic equilibrium of compromise i feel) , but i guess everyone wants value for money.. and well, its always good be be selfish muahaha.

i realise i get scared very very easily. and i know i am an escapist.
i get very scared when i feel that there are expectations that are required of me by the other person. i get scared when i feel as though my every gesture and sentence are being analysed for any subtleties or nuances. i get very scared when i feel as though the whole conversation has some overall purpose. i get scared when people suddenly throw me a frank statement out of the blue. i get scared when i dunno what the person is up to. and i get absolutely terrified when i need to interact with people i am scared of.

and yes, i am very tired. suddenly very tired of the human relationship webs weaving around me. all the politics. all the "trying-not-to-offend people".. all the speculations.. all the undercurrents.. all the things that have happened that made me realise humans are much more complex than i thought.. i think it is real sad if one has to constantly care about what he says or does because some ppl are hypersensitive and do not forget.

i am tired of finding myself in the same predicament again.
tired of knowing something is wrong, and yet not having the determination to do the right thing.
tired of making things happen.
tired of being alright when deep down i know something is not right. and yet i do not want it to stop.
forget it.
life is still wonderful :) at least god gave me a healthy body and functioning mind. that's enough to be thankful for :):)

goodnight!